Sarah

[Flowerfaeiry]

I feel so separate from my family, friends, peers, coworkers. Very few of them have seen what I've seen. Very few of them have done what I've done. They don't understand what it's like to take psychedelics. They don't understand what it's like to meditate and have your whole world fall apart when you're just trying to end your suffering. They don't fucking get it. Very few people fucking get it and I just keep wanting to pour my heart out to anyone who will listen and really truly empathize with me about the pain I feel from not really even being able to put myself in their shoes at this point. I feel selfish. Really fucking selfish because it's all about me. I just want MY story to be heard. I don't want you to listen and then talk about yourself. I want to tell you how misunderstood I feel and have you just listen and hold me in that space. Show a genuine interest in me. And I don't want to have to worry about showing interest in you directly after because I want THAT time to be for ME.

I ate mushrooms for the first time when I was 17. I've been experimenting with psychedelics on and off for a long time. Of course I've seen things they haven't. IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT. I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS. I didn't know what I was getting into when I first started exploring these substances. I willy-nilly attended a meditation course when I was 22, pretty much directly after I had a psychotic episode from taking too much MDMA. I'm 30 now and that just seems SO YOUNG. The shit I'd seen at that age...I had no idea about integration, I was a young kid. That meditation course was too much. I had a breakdown. I STILL haven't integrated it. I still haven't integrated a lot...

I've been trying to get over my fucking laziness this whole time. Over my 10 year addiction to cannabis. NO ONE that I'm close to has a life purpose that they are cultivating. No one I know personally takes spirituality and personal development as seriously as I do. And to top that off, I STILL work a dead-end, low-paying job. What the hell? After everything I've seen?? After all the supposed work I've done on myself? I know that my life purpose is going to take a long time to actualize. And it doesn't help that I'm working myself half to death. God please help me. Please offer me understanding, please show me patience. Please show me selflessness. Please give me strength. 

[Applegarden8]

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I feel so separate from my family, friends, peers, coworkers. Very few of them have seen what I've seen. Very few of them have done what I've done. They don't understand what it's like to take psychedelics. They don't understand what it's like to meditate and have your whole world fall apart when you're just trying to end your suffering. They don't fucking get it. Very few people fucking get it and I just keep wanting to pour my heart out to anyone who will listen and really truly empathize with me about the pain I feel from not really even being able to put myself in their shoes at this point. I feel selfish. Really fucking selfish because it's all about me. I just want MY story to be heard. I don't want you to listen and then talk about yourself. I want to tell you how misunderstood I feel and have you just listen and hold me in that space. Show a genuine interest in me. And I don't want to have to worry about showing interest in you directly after because I want THAT time to be for ME.

I ate mushrooms for the first time when I was 17. I've been experimenting with psychedelics on and off for a long time. Of course I've seen things they haven't. IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT. I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS. I didn't know what I was getting into when I first started exploring these substances. I willy-nilly attended a meditation course when I was 22, pretty much directly after I had a psychotic episode from taking too much MDMA. I'm 30 now and that just seems SO YOUNG. The shit I'd seen at that age...I had no idea about integration, I was a young kid. That meditation course was too much. I had a breakdown. I STILL haven't integrated it. I still haven't integrated a lot...

I've been trying to get over my fucking laziness this whole time. Over my 10 year addiction to cannabis. NO ONE that I'm close to has a life purpose that they are cultivating. No one I know personally takes spirituality and personal development as seriously as I do. And to top that off, I STILL work a dead-end, low-paying job. What the hell? 

Yep, but I do underestand, really. Keep visioning it in great detail and see that it provides such peace and timeless feeling. Life celebrates you when you make it as you want. It is your birthright to wish and get something, unless it is dangerous for you. Also, I think you can adress the low-paying job things with different strategy. I think you can send your work application and get interviews left and right, even if they don't have any wanted signs, i think better job is pretty much an assignment away. Sure alot of jobs have different pros and cons but what I would do/am doing is to just bounce around to see what options are there. You probably can smoothly between jobs, no need to quit right away. AND if you do take spiritual development "all the way" seriously, your main concern wouldn't be your circumstances, because for THAT, everything can be a stepping stone, then your practices and desire for the truth is important.