I'm pulling RED on this fucker (spiral dynamics)

[charlie cho]

Nice Job Leo. Get a refund when you need it. Don't be afraid of being red.

I want to share my RED story. 

My father was an alcoholic and beat me when I was in middle school high school. I'm 22 now and he tried to beat me again when he was drinking, again. I told him let's talk it out to the end until my mother held me down and my father used that to his advantage to grab my hair and hit my face once. While he grabbed my hair and said, "That's the right spot. Hold him right there so I can beat him." I kind of changed my state of consciousness after he said those words. 

I consciously grabbed his hair. And beat him to death for what he did and said. He hit me once. I hit him countless, I don't remember ... too many times. It was two on one. My mom holding me down, while my father kept pursuing me to fight me. fought in the garden, balcony, and the living room. My father was keep getting beaten and his face was puffed up and I got hit once. I got only scratches on my arms from my arm, but my father had no chance. I was doing rope-a-dopes running from my mother and my father trying to hit me both, but I had the skill to beat him by hopping around. He had his face puffed up, bleeding, but he kept coming at me. I didn't get hit at all after he tried to grab my hair. I just decided to avoid the situation because my father was persistent in fighting me even though he was being beaten badly by me. My mother gave me 40 dollars to just go away. 

He beat a child, a middle schooler, and a high schooler. In some way, he deserved to be beaten by me, even though I never intentionally tried to beat him. Even though I was beating him out of self-defence, it felt like the universe was forcing me to teach him something, to give him a taste of his own medicine. I choicelessly complied.

huh... living in Korea, 80% of Koreans think I have done the wrong even though they did empathize with me, while my American friends told me living here told me I was totally in the right.  Koreans would tell me, "he's your father!" They could not listen to the causes. They just hear "patricide!" Confucian values are so toxic that they make parents like a God, make your ancestors like a God, just like Jesus has become God in Christianity, and Muhammad has become a God in Islam. If the west has built social structures to God ideals, here in Korea has built social structures to ancestry and parent son piety ideals. Both are destructive and I am happy there are still people who empathized with me.

I just only hope God appreciates how I did not intentionally try to beat my father. I even wept in my then ex-girlfriend's arms after the incident. 

I really did not want to fight my father. He was coming at me to beat me. I have martial arts training because I hope to work in the police after I graduate college, so I wasn't scared of him. I just didn't want to fight him, but his wussy alcoholic mind couldn't control himself. His mind was stunted in growth. 

My American friend told me, "You must have felt betrayed by your father for him to say that when he grabbed your hair."

My former high school Korean teacher (a very good friend of mine still) told me, "Well, although I don't condone what you did, Charlie, your father did pull a wussy move on you." 

Yes, I admit, I'm not above anybody else. I wish I was enlightened throughout the incident, but my feeling of betrayal might have made me beat my father more than I needed to to avoid him trying to beat me. But would that have been the right move? If it were OSHO or Krishnamurti commenting on this incident, I don't think they would have objected what I had done at all. Rather, I think they would have been delighted. But guilt runs through me for no reason. Shame runs through me. This mental programming I got since I was a child is toxic. Will I ever get out of this? I don't know. Let's hope for fortune. 

How did the fight start? If you wanna know, ask down the comments

 

Edited May 25, 2021 by charlie cho

[ArcticGong]

@charlie cho I'm sorry for what happened, (i have no better response). Are you not afraid of getting addicted to red, especially if you're aspiring to be a police officer? Being red is pretty invigorating, in the short term. I'm personally afraid of abusing the feeling of lust and rage(i think both falls close to the red mindset). 

[charlie cho]

@ArcticGong Addicted to red? Besides, I always wanted to work in the police since I was a child. 

Like, I first of all don't associate myself with spiral dynamics as much as this forum does. Lust and rage? In terms of lust, I do not understand to be totally honest with you. As long as it is not pedophilia, it can be cured quite easily. 

In terms of rage, I think I can help you a little bit. I'm not an angry person by nature. I don't get angry so easily. I do get angry when somebody decides to pull my hair when I'm in significantly disadvantaged. I do get angry when that person later on pretends and shows a nice face to everybody after all the incident. Good thing I recorded him trying to fight me so that he won't be able to get away with being such a "nice" guy to everyone. 

In spite of all this, I don't think I go into rage as much as others do. Just realize there is a necessary time for anger. Never ever be the person who never gets angry. It's okay to be perceived as intense or a as a person who can't control his anger. Unperceptive losers will judge you. People with a certain perception will understand you. And with that make friends with the latter, and don't be afraid to have the former demonize you. Take the consequences and move on. That is the first step. Because if you don't take the first step, you will have people try to oppress your expression of anger. And the number one reason people become ill of anger is because they never get angry in the first place. Number one reason people cannot control anger is because they never used it in the first place. Use anger, play around with anger, and only then will you be able to control and utilize the force to its greatest potential. 

I have not achieved this state. You see, I still get angry uncontrollably, too, when I feel betrayed. Some might argue I beat my father a little too much. A certain beating was necessary, but I maybe I beat him more than his fair share: only God knows, not me. One can argue one should not act out on the feeling of betrayal, but you have seen what I have done. I have acted out on betrayal, however horrible a thing my father had done. huh.... maybe I am trying to be something that I'm not. At this moment, I'm not going to judge myself for being angry at him. To want more from myself at this situation only breeds more harm and neuroticism. But I imagine if I were to be enlightened, I would have beaten my father out of compassion, not out of the feeling of betrayal. I would say I was 50/50. I beat him 60% out of compassion. I wanted him to understand. I wanted him to feel what it feels like to be beaten and to meet your neighbors and friends the next day with a puffed up face. I wanted him to feel the fear one might have when he is physically beaten. I wanted him to know the dread one has when one is beaten for having no faults. I wanted him to feel what it feels like to be beaten by a superior just for being an inferior to him. 40% of my betrayed feeling thought of the past, thought of how ugly he is, thought of how stupid he is, how he might as well just disappear from the world for trying to beat others because he feels stronger, how he used to beat a young child 13, 15, 16 when he was drunk, how decadent he was when he tried to defile a young kid with violence, how he had no respect for the creation of God, how he drinks alcohol like a mule, how ugly his face became for daring to pick a fight with me, how dumb he looked when he fought because he couldn't hit me once, how unintelligent he was for trying to resolve everything with physical violence, how stupid he was for returning emotional hurt with physical violence. 

I don't think. I don't feel. I simply see what he did and what I did. And to this day, I do not know what is right or wrong. I do not know what is wise or unwise. I just don't know anything. I think not knowing is better to live a wiser life, afterall. 

Edited May 25, 2021 by charlie cho

[Opo]

@charlie cho Did the pussy kick you out? 

[charlie cho]

@Opo well, unsurpringly he did exactly what a pussy would do. He kicked me out when i was in high school. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by charlie cho

[Opo]

4 minutes ago, charlie cho said:

@Opo well, unsurpringly he did exactly what a pussy would do. He kicked me out when i was in high school. 

Damn. 

Out of curiosity did he play a role in instilling your moral values into you? 

[charlie cho]

@Opo of course.... cant you see. He is exactly like what i wrote about him. His moral values constituted of rigid family values. Parents are God, nobody else. Its a cult. If i do something outside what the family tells me to do, i become a demon to them. 

Im a little depressed. 

All i need is egolessness. Then they would not have any control over me. I will be like water and them like stone and water always wins. It is not easy. It is definitely hard. Egolessness.

Edited May 26, 2021 by charlie cho

[Opo]

@charlie cho

10 hours ago, charlie cho said:

@Opo All i need is egolessness. Then they would not have any control over me.

Building a healthy ego would also accomplish that and it's easier. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Opo

[Grateful Dead]

@charlie cho Uff... how did the fight start?

 

 

[Roy]

Get the hell out of there man, you deserve better. Even if you struggle for a while, come up with a logistically adequate plan to leave.

People, especially older people like parents typically don't change their behavior. You not being there and him basically "losing" his son will give him the kind of space he might need to reflect and grow as a person. With you there having defended yourself might make him feel more righteous and not want to change.

You won't be able to effectively develop either in such an environment.

Edited May 26, 2021 by Roy

[charlie cho]

@Roy i am living outside of that environment. Im still reliant on them financially. I constantly shame myself for not being financially independent, but i realize this guilt is totally unwise of me to have. Since i am financially dependent as a 22 year old... its hard. I read a lot a lot of self help, biographies of successful people, read philosophy, marketing, and business, persuasion. Its hard. The process is slow indeed. I already havent been living with my father since the age of 16. Lived with him briefly at 18 years old and got away because i just didnt like him that much. From the age of 1 to 15, my brother raised me. When my brother went to college, my father was trying to father me, and i never got to like his violence. 

Yes, my plan of being independent had existed since the age of 15, but its so slow... i wanna cry sometimes. Meditation always makes me feel at ease and loved by the universe. However so it might sound weird.... it works.

Pray for me i can do something of value on the outside world. A business, a project whatever it is. Would be cool if anyone vouched for me in their thoughts,

Edited May 27, 2021 by charlie cho