Currently..

[Manusia]

This thread dedicated to posting random stuff.. sometimes I have lot to say in my mind. When it doesn't feel good I have tendecies to put it in the shadow. Its nice to put my thought accountable. Its good for my mental health.

[Manusia]

Doing emotion observation is challenging at first. My consciousness didnt want to see lot of emotion. Gradually I become more aware of how my emotion co-opt with different meaning and make the meaning goes towards what the emotion want.

Notice what emotion arise when I didnt know the topic that I disscuss. I tend to make me look know anything better than I actually is. There is same emotion that handle this process.

Notice what emotion arise when my boundaries got attacked. 

The emotion when I'm in love.

The emotion when I found clicked people.

The emotion when I see high intellegent being.

My emotion can make a catalog of people. Its really subtle.. I cant really tell what emotion is when I do people catalouging. When I say what emotion I got.. it is really reduce the raw data that I experienced.

Emotion is really useful.. I found I towards more emotional person.. I avoid emotion all that time before. Now I start to loving it and feel it. Its the part of bigger me.

I think emotion correlated deeply with intuition in some way.

My life become more vibrant. Emotion is a taste of life. 

Emotion always need to be co opt with thinking. If not I just goes deep into unknown weird unexplainable territory. Inflated feminity. Its not fun experience.

Balance. Balance. Balance.

[Manusia]

Yup.. data lost. Some of my post deleted.

 

[Manusia]

I think actualized.org can be another facebook. People in it can talk dumb stuff with immature attitude towards other. Without any emotional awareness towards someone who speak. Seeking in winning every debate without seeing inward. And so what? What you got? 

And what? Mod do this too? Oh please..

I think before.. what is difference smoking, addictive stuff and having bad thought pattern process like hating, doubting, critisizing, overporjecting mind?

Not so much. They do the same. Poking something in your head that can make you feels good. 

So what do you get? Did your heart feels good about make someone else down? I doubt it from your heart.

[Manusia]

Mood.

Edited June 15, 2021 by Manusia

[Manusia]

INFJ is real hottie.

Currently sign up in new dating up from the ads of Psych2Go, one of my favorite youtube channel on general mental health. They always come up with really shoothing sound. Unfreeze my tense.

The name of the dating app is So Syncd. This app connect user with MBTI test. As my result is INTP, my best match is ENTJ, ENFP, INFJ and INTJ.

I see something subtle in general INFJ girl. My ex is dense INFJ, and I got the sort of energy that remind me of her when I see every INFJ girl.

How I describe it, its have a deep thing inside.. have a good sense of morality.. having open intuition.. Witch vibe in some kind lol. I dont know but I always attracted to INFJ vibe. They are the most hottie type in MBTI in my eye. Hot witch girlfriend!

[Manusia]

Related to Anger

This quote is a whole thing. The feeling of right. Thinking about one perspective is more truer than another is become another bright light and the dark shadow.

One case, my anger that I burrow inside my soul. I think that is goodie. To make enviroment more wonderful like what my culture said. Its become habitual for many decade. Unconsciously I think it is the right thing to do. And it is the one perspective that stop me to integrating my anger. Even I cant see him because it is buried down so deep. I cant have anger before. He become big demon possessed my daily life.

The grave become ghosted. I dig the grave with all of my fear. And I found him and set him free. Now he is free. 

He found a light.

[Manusia]

Rejection, again and again. What is sensation behind my skull?

Everything feels rejecting me. My mind always pretend that nothing happened. Deep inside, I always feel a big dissapointed. My worldview expectation not match with reality. The more I think from my own self, the more I got rejected by people. I need more rejection. To be OK to not indluded in any particular worldview or people. To be me and weird af in my enviroment. To love myself more. To not easily selling my self for comfort. I feel my skin become more.. thick?

Yeah the last week I become completely different person. Idk but I just cannot do the thing that I dont want to do. Before that time, honestly I cannot differentiate things that I really want to do or thing that I do to comfort other people/ fit in some kind of situation.

I cant really lying. I say what I really need to say. I think what really a thing to me, I got some kind of power for owning myself almost fully. My mind feels like stopped.. but not emptiness. Its just like stop. I think that happened because I dont have anything to cling to,, and honestly I feels so lost and almost crazy looking back. Big existensial crisis happened. No one to belieif because its all my belief. I dont cling even to my thought.  

I wonder is that a good thing? Feels like something in my heart glowing. But is it still me?

Now I kinda back to my old self, I have big emotional support from going to home. Crazyness and existensial crisis is gone. 

I miss the moment that I really owning myself fully. Speak so gently and boldly from my heart without filter. Doing what I really need to do and not thinking about social fitting stuff to become something more. It is grounding experience. And totally feels unknown. Big big unknown.

I think.. I need to surrender the sensation of something inside my head when I thinking. I aware that thing in my head shaped my thought so much. If Im not mistaken, I can access to my new self because outter force myself surrendering the sensation thing that I have in my head. 

[Manusia]

Leaving friend.

I cant have a deep connection with my old friend anymore. I cannot be in relationship with people that not doing self development. I cant be a deep freind that not doing self actualization. And not have a clear communication is a big thing too. I dont know, but people that not have a life purpose caused some annoyance in me. And yeah.. I know it would go that way. People that have an indipendence vision to create something spark my heart. Move me. And people on the opposite, they limit me with doubt.

Another problem is...this one friend constantly watching bad news in the internet. I mean.. when we talk nowdays, he interested talking about politics and somesort of world war III conspiracies. And I see in his eye..  its big conformity and fear. When I do want to conviece him that the habit he build isnt good, he told ... "its war man, do you not afraid when our country got attacked?". Like ... OK thats valid, but it robs you man. He cant see it. I cant say anything anymore. 

And I see the more day passed, the bigger our gap is.

I only have a few friends.. and then... I need to let go. 

Whatever... my plan in getting relationship now more simple.. I pursue what I need to pursue in life. Working in my life. Working in life purpose. And when I meet people in the same road, we can be in a relationship. If he/she use different way, I can let him/her go from my life with the reason.. we just going in different path.. and thats very okay.

Today I feels I am still a child inside. And getting in maturity process, experiencing more pain. Letting go the things that not work anymore. I'm tired of chasing things. It just fake and not work.

[Manusia]

My grandma died

She is 60s.. I still cannot registered fully in my mind somehow. She is my mom figure. My home. Everytime I going home, my mind is imagine grandma warmth. 

Yeah. Life is like this. There is time to be together. Time to separate.

Thanks grandma. Your love given to me always residued in heart, bones and soul

miss you