I'm freaking out

[roopepa]

Wouldn't call this awakening. For the sake of communication, let's say I've been growing quite fast. Been bursting them bubbles. It's becoming quite clear that there is no end to me, this awareness. There is no bottom to the bucket, so to speak.

It is very freaky when the sense of self and reality starts melting away. Naturally, I'm scared of it. I'm afraid that I will go completely crazy or even die. It's so radical.

I feel like I'm too young and not ready for this. If I can't pay my bills, clean my house or keep normal routines, how on earth am I supposed to deal with this?

I don't really even want "awakening", or this reality-melting-away. I always wanted simply to be happy, at peace. I'm kind of hesitant to say this, but I don't really even care for truth per se. I just want to feel good. Propably gonna say good-bye to this "spiritual" identity soon. Starting to see it was all just games. A stupid little game for a naive teenager. It's just making me more anxious and confused.

What to do...? You guys have any good grounding methods or something?

[Nemra]

@roopepa What do you want from any of this? If you want to know something, why should it be frightening or scary?

Edited May 24, 2021 by Understander

[Thought Art]

Don't need to keep pursuing awakening lol. Focus on basic life mastery! 

[Carl-Richard]

When I realized what you just realized and stopped pursuing enlightenment and stopped meditating, it became even stronger. When you say "to hell with it – this wasn't what I was looking for" to all of spirituality, that is when you completely let go, and that is when the truth starts to shine through by itself without any effort. The effort then becomes to actively try to hold on to yourself and reconstruct a sense of illusion, and that's what I've been doing for about 1.5 year now. I don't know if that is exactly how it is for you, but that's how it is for me at least, and in one way it sucks, but in another way it's very sweet. However, if you choose to hold on, it's going to be very painful and it may seem futile, but over time you'll get used to it.

[traveler]

I was sure I would die or go crazy many times, but never did. I was sure I was going to leave my body and merge into an infinite spiral, but never did. I was 18 when this started happening, I had no clue how to handle it. And I didn't. I didn't handle it, but I sure tried too. It ran its course. Many days, months, years of suffering, trying to escape. Couldn't. No lasting answer from any Guru, teacher or speaker. Fatigued from seeking and doing. Nothing left. No possibilities for escape, totally hopeless. Helpful? No. There is no prescription here, no advice. 

This will mean nothing to the sufferer but:

Suffering is infinite love. We suffer in time, so it feels never-ending. Time feels longer than eternity, after all time is eternity. When we in time wake up from time, we are met with the most beautiful realization. Our whole life was a divine love song. All of our suffering was Love, and we are grateful for all of our suffering. We love it. The suffering feels real, and the fact that it feels real is what is so fucking beautiful about it. 

 

[Mu_]

2 hours ago, roopepa said:

Wouldn't call this awakening. For the sake of communication, let's say I've been growing quite fast. Been bursting them bubbles. It's becoming quite clear that there is no end to me, this awareness. There is no bottom to the bucket, so to speak.

It is very freaky when the sense of self and reality starts melting away. Naturally, I'm scared of it. I'm afraid that I will go completely crazy or even die. It's so radical.

I feel like I'm too young and not ready for this. If I can't pay my bills, clean my house or keep normal routines, how on earth am I supposed to deal with this?

I don't really even want "awakening", or this reality-melting-away. I always wanted simply to be happy, at peace. I'm kind of hesitant to say this, but I don't really even care for truth per se. I just want to feel good. Propably gonna say good-bye to this "spiritual" identity soon. Starting to see it was all just games. A stupid little game for a naive teenager. It's just making me more anxious and confused.

What to do...? You guys have any good grounding methods or something?

Take a step back and focus on your basics for a while. Like supporting yourself eventually. Explore other interests and see if any of them are interesting enough to learn more about, maybe it will turn into a way to make money. Explore relationships and intimate and sexual connection. 

This Truth stuff ain’t going anywhere if you walk away. And your not missing out if you want to do something else. 

[roopepa]

7 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

When I realized what you just realized and stopped pursuing enlightenment and stopped meditating, it became even stronger. When you say "to hell with it – this wasn't what I was looking for" to all of spirituality, that is when you completely let go, and that is when the truth starts to shine through by itself without any effort. The effort then becomes to actively try to hold on to yourself and reconstruct a sense of illusion, and that's what I've been doing for about 1.5 year now. I don't know if that is exactly how it is for you, but that's how it is for me at least, and in one way it sucks, but in another way it's very sweet. However, if you choose to hold on, it's going to be very painful and it may seem futile, but over time you'll get used to it.

This is very similiar to my experiences lately.

I've kind of made friends with identity and fear. It's okay that it is. You start to construct your thoughts in a different way.

No-one can just "let go" the ego, since it's the ego trying to let go. So why not jusy let go of that and identify and construct the reality in such a way that feels good.

[roopepa]

7 hours ago, traveler said:

I was sure I would die or go crazy many times, but never did. I was sure I was going to leave my body and merge into an infinite spiral, but never did. I was 18 when this started happening, I had no clue how to handle it. And I didn't. I didn't handle it, but I sure tried too. It ran its course. Many days, months, years of suffering, trying to escape. Couldn't. No lasting answer from any Guru, teacher or speaker. Fatigued from seeking and doing. Nothing left. No possibilities for escape, totally hopeless. Helpful? No. There is no prescription here, no advice. 

[WelcometoReality]

@roopepa if you don't want to know truth then it might be better to do something else with your time. At a certain point you can't go back and undo this work. Find out what you really want and focus on that instead.

[Raptorsin7]

@roopepa Do you have any sort of formal practice? Did you do psychidelics?

Maybe find a teacher in a lineage you are somewhat comfortable with and see what they have to say.

Why can't you accept all of this and trust in awareness. You know if you accept it and can surrender there will be no problem

[Snader]

I know the feeling man. During the few last years I've hit quite few of those moments too, which have led to backlashes, from which I've realized that the balance was insufficient.

It's important to start appreciating the balance and how nuanced and hard development really is. It's possible to get to a point where backlashes are predictable and you can sense the backlash effect creeping in, and instead of reacting with unbearable fear, you can learn to suffer through it with embrace and understanding, while fine-tuning your action of development in the process.

I would firstly suggest you to do something familiar, something you enjoy, maybe a sport or something? Or go do something with a friend/(s) you haven't seen for a while? Or hell, go play a round of Call of Duty with a good conscience. Give yourself a break from the usual development action, it's not going anywhere.

Anyway, if you want to have a chat about that or any other matter, feel free to PM me. I'm a Finn dude too, so with me you can chat with a comfortable native language

[RMQualtrough]

@roopepa You in fact won't die. It is funny, there is sort of some deep-seated idea that we cannot help, that once we "figure out reality" something like this happens:

And then everything fades to black or the curtain comes down.

In reality, "the answer" is just another thought and vanishes with every bit as much importance as the thought of what you want to eat for lunch.

There is no prize and no reward LOL. You go back to "chopping wood" or w.e. that dude said.

[Dodo]

40 minutes ago, RMQualtrough said:

@roopepa You in fact won't die. It is funny, there is sort of some deep-seated idea that we cannot help, that once we "figure out reality" something like this happens:

And then everything fades to black or the curtain comes down.

In reality, "the answer" is just another thought and vanishes with every bit as much importance as the thought of what you want to eat for lunch.

There is no prize and no reward LOL. You go back to "chopping wood" or w.e. that dude said.

This video reminds me of an experience I had 6-7 months ago. I was in some state, I wasn't actively doing something and I have no recollection exactly how everything happened, but at one point, like tuning to a radio, I started hearing people from my country (Bulgaria) cheering and making loud music. As if they were real! Like it was live, they were simply there within me... Sounded like they were outside of the building, but I was in England so not really. It was maybe coming from the heart. This "sound hallucination" was from time to time pushed by another one of trees being cut down... And then again tuned to the celebrating people. It was like I had a direct connection with another reality... Maybe with a collective consciousness of some kind. 

[allislove]

@roopepa

Have to learn how to let go a thinking loop by focusing on something other than thinking. There is nothing scary about a self realization, it doesn't make a zombie from you, see these quotes: 

The truth will set you free.
Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.

By not waking up you are an enslaved zombie so to speak. Do not believe in scary ideas about a self realization. It's all good now, listen to the feelings, this is your guidance system.

??

[Hyacinth]

@roopepa you see now that a lot of people specially who is pursuing spirituality felt just like that some point. I, myself felt that i am going to lose my mind many times. Normally it is when im letting go of my limiting beliefs or some form of ego. One of my craziest example is when i deleted all my social media lol. It turned out i was okay without it so i created an account again just to stay on top of news and general information and keep in touch with my family and friends. 

[roopepa]

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@roopepa Do you have any sort of formal practice? Did you do psychidelics?

That's the funny thing. I've never really done any "work". I've never had a meditation routine, for example. Self-inquiry comes very naturally to me, so I've managed to 'get here' without much effort. I recognized my own and others' suffering at quite a young age, so I eventially kind of just stumbled upon this stuff. Psychedelics I've done a couple of times, tho.

[Carl-Richard]

@roopepa But have you tried meditating?

[roopepa]

7 hours ago, Snader said:

Anyway, if you want to have a chat about that or any other matter, feel free to PM me. I'm a Finn dude too, so with me you can chat with a comfortable native language

I'm happy to hear that I'm not the only Finn here. It's quite hard to find spiritual people in Finland who are not these new-agey types. Nothing wrong with that, but I don't really resonate with it.

May I ask how old are you? I might PM you at some point if I feel like it!

[roopepa]

4 hours ago, allislove said:

Have to learn how to let go a thinking loop by focusing on something other than thinking. There is nothing scary about a self realization, it doesn't make a zombie from you, see these quotes: 

The truth will set you free.
Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.

By not waking up you are an enslaved zombie so to speak. Do not believe in scary ideas about a self realization. It's all good now, listen to the feelings, this is your guidance system.

??

I've found that when in this terror, focusing on the energy of some teacher or a friend I really like and trust, helps. Ramana Maharshi sure has good vibes.

Thank you 

[roopepa]

12 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

@roopepa But have you tried meditating?

Yeah. Just can't form a habit out of it. Maybe I should try it more often.