Ex is willing to give up sex to get back together

[Harlen Kelly]

@StarStruck The fact that it is mainstream, does not mean it's not pathetic. Such a relationship is bad for the kids. 

[Barbara]

The fact that he tells you this at the same time

2 hours ago, somegirl said:

"And then maybe things would eventually change"

Is big red flag.

He is simply not being honest. He wants you back and is telling you everything you want to hear just so it happens. That’s just survival. But deep down he is expecting those terms to never materialize. Maybe he is not even conscious of this. But that would be other red flag. That he is not aware of himself to the point he would commit to something that he could never do long term. 
Besides, after a while he would put pressure on you, even if only on a mental level, and that would only be worse for your aversion. 
 

And about that, imo that’s something you shouldn’t swipe under the rug. Sexuality plays a big role in a women’s life. Sex is enjoyable, a way to intimacy and deeper levels of physical love. It’s not usual that you suddenly feel better if you stay away from it. And you say that you have the fear of getting pregnant or caught dsts, but I feel like that’s you trying to rationalize your fear and justify it with the negative side of sex. Everyone knows those stuff, but it’s not an absolute impediment.
Dig deeper. Pay attention to the feelings that arise when thinking about sex. Identify the probable causes and traumatic episodes. Work from there. All the best

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, Barbara said:

He is simply not being honest. He wants you back and is telling you everything you want to hear just so it happens. That’s just survival. But deep down he is expecting those terms to never materialize. Maybe he is not even conscious of this. But that would be other red flag. That he is not aware of himself to the point he would commit to something that he could never do long term. 
Besides, after a while he would put pressure on you, even if only on a mental level, and that would only be worse for your aversion. 

Understood, yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.

4 hours ago, Barbara said:

It’s not usual that you suddenly feel better if you stay away from it. And you say that you have the fear of getting pregnant or caught dsts, but I feel like that’s you trying to rationalize your fear and justify it with the negative side of sex. Everyone knows those stuff, but it’s not an absolute impediment.

Some things that happened made me feel not entirely good, or safe and made me not trust him in that aspect of relationship. The fact that I was the one insisiting on using protection, for example (he didn't want to use it at first due to discomofort), even though he had many partners before me and has more experience, has left a bad taste in my mouth.
The fact that he wasn't entirely honest about his sexual condition and chose to not tell me he had some symptoms that cleared out before sleeping with me without protection also made me feel bad and worried.
I know he didn't purposely try to make me feel bad. But I feel these things are a big deal. Noone is perfect, I know that. But I'm trying to get over this. And I feel bad for guilt tripping him. I saw he was sorry.

Edited May 24, 2021 by somegirl

[Shin]

Just leave him alone, if he really loved you he wouldn't try to manipulate you and would leave you alone.

Be very wary of guys who have the same vibe as him, you need to totally change how you feel and think about relationships to not fall for the same kind of guys.

Edited May 24, 2021 by Shin

[somegirl]

4 minutes ago, Shin said:

if he really loved you he wouldn't try to manipulate you and would leave you alone.

Good point.
 

[Shin]

Just now, somegirl said:

Good point.
 

Yep, that's attachment and lust, not love.

If you love, you want the best for the person, even if it means you not being part of that person's life.

[RendHeaven]

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you love, you want the best for the person, even if it means you not being part of that person's life.

[somegirl]

8 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you love, you want the best for the person, even if it means you not being part of that person's life.

I had this same thought too, but is it really true though? I mean, when you see someone you love with somebody else happy, it certainly would suck. 

[Shin]

1 minute ago, somegirl said:

I had this same thought too, but is it really true though? I mean, when you see someone you love with somebody else happy, it certainly would suck. 

Only if you have a scarcity mindset, and/or if the relationship ended not far ago (cause attachment can't really be avoided).

Edited May 24, 2021 by Shin

[intotheblack]

7 hours ago, somegirl said:

Breakup happened for many reasons: his sexual condition which I was afraid would threaten me in the long run, so I have developed some kind of overall fear towards sex because of it (plus I think I have lack of trust in him because, as an older guy with much more experience than me, I thought he would know more about potential dangers of sex without protection, which he didn't, which made me fearful) ,
and another reason was my discomfort due to age gap (I thought I would get used to it). He is a guy in his early thirties, different stage in life than mine.

Yes now I remember you posted about it a few months ago.  Don’t get back with him you’d be risking your own health.  This doesn’t sound like an enjoyable relationship at all and it seems he wants to get back with you because of his condition and is worried he won’t get another girlfriend because of it. 
But this doesn’t mean you should be in a sexless relationship, you should find someone else who you trust and can enjoy sex with. 

Edited May 24, 2021 by intotheblack

[The0Self]

23 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Pathetic guy.

Stay away! This is not good for him or you.

My thoughts exactly.

[Barbara]

@somegirl Oh, I see. It's completely normal that you don't trust him then, actually. But don't let that numb your sexuality  

I don't think that any of what he did, even manipulating you this last time, was a move on you. He's just surviving the best way he can. There's no love while surviving, only neediness and attachment. 

Understanding this can take to comprehend him, have compassion, forgive and move on

[Jacob Morres]

it wont solve the core issue of the relationship, not having sex. if u dont feel it in your gut i wouldnt do it at all 

32 minutes ago, Barbara said:

I don't think that any of what he did, even manipulating you this last time, was a move on you. He's just surviving the best way he can. There's no love while surviving, only neediness and attachment. 

Understanding this can take to comprehend him, have compassion, forgive and move on

^ this... it's just the best way he knows how at his level of development. if he knew other methods, was more developed, healed and conscious, he'd do better. 

 

Edited May 24, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[universe]

Yeah I wouldn't go as far as judge the guy on this. You have to look at the bigger picture. Is he a great and responsible man in all areas of his life?

It sounds to me like you just met him a few month ago and he lied to you in regards of his sexual condition. Now you don't trust him anymore. And in turn he is trying to regain your trust by agreeing to your terms.

Do your own judgement.

Regarding the whole sex situation. There is no reason to strategize or be diplomatic about it. Sex is not about thinking. It is about feeling. Of course if you have the feeling that you don't want to have sex it is right to tell him that. But what about your feelings for him. A deep relationship is so much more. And if you can somehow trust him again and you both get turned on - you two will get intimate again. I think he knows that and that is why he is trying so hard to regain your trust. It's up to you if you want that or if you don't.

At the core is a shadow he has about his sexual condition. That is what you are noticing and what he will have to work on, no matter what happens between you two.

[Harlen Kelly]

1 hour ago, universe said:

Yeah I wouldn't go as far as judge the guy on this. You have to look at the bigger picture. Is he a great and responsible man in all areas of his life?

A ''great man'' would not tolerate a ''no sex'' rule, why? Because a great man (confident, passionate, a leader, conscious) is attractive to other females and therefore has many options to choose from. 

A great man would not have to put up with something like that, he would simply get another partner. 

The guy is simply needy, codependent and a doormat. 

Edited May 24, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Applegarden8]

I wanted to express the whole situation in one small sentence:

"You can't spell sex without an Ex."

Do you really think he will not ask for it, try to turn you on or "she will give in if i play good for a certain period of time."

[Opo]

19 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

@StarStruck The fact that it is mainstream, does not mean it's not pathetic. Such a relationship is bad for the kids. 

What's your solution? 

[Harlen Kelly]

@Opo If your partner intuitively knows that you could get another partner with ease, she will never ''deny'' you sex. 

Women deny sex in a relationship to men they know they can get away with, men that don't have options and that are pathetic. 

The solution is to embody the qualities that women find most attractive (confidence, passion, groundedness, charisma, etc.) and she will most likely be the one initiating sex.

Edited May 25, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[intotheblack]

32 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

Women deny sex in a relationship to men they know they can get away with, men that don't have options and that are pathetic. 

 The guy has a STI, thats why she doesn't want to have sex with him.  It's not like he can sleep with alot of women freely, he knows he has limited options now unless he finds someone who has the same sexual health problem.

[Harlen Kelly]

@intotheblack I was talking about in general about men who put up with their partner denying sex.