GF found out I watch porn

[JohnIsDoe]

So this is embarrasing, but I have been dating my gf for over two years. 6 months ago, she found out that I masterbate to porn along with girls on Instagram, Tik Tok, and even sometimes to girls that I am friends with on Instagram or Facebook. I have been masterbating to such things since I was in middle school.

This hurt her really badly.

I kept telling her that I stopped, but I was still doing it behind her back. She kept finding out that I was doing it based on my search history or my "recent activity" etc. 

She says that this is cheating to her and that makes complete sense.

* I've realized that my problem is that I continue to lust after these girls as if I was single.

How do I get myself to understand her pain and stop the urge to do this?

Edited May 22, 2021 by JohnIsDoe

[max duewel]

You don't have to be ashamed if you are fantasizing about other girls or masturbate to them. 

This is very normal and human. Most people naturally want to experience a lot of persons sexually and accepting that this is a part of you is ok.

I can totally relate to your girlfriend for her It must feel like she is not enough. But you have to be honest with yourself and with her and communicate that your sexual desire is not taking away from the love you feel for her. you can also add that you are not planning to cheat on her but only to satisfy a part of yourself.

For me, this is not cheating and I know a lot of people who would never associate masturbating and watching porn with cheating.

Compassion for her is important, but also be compassionate towards yourself.

Godspeed

[Leo Gura]

Consider dating girls who are more secure and cool.

 

[Joel3102]

My gf is the same. She hates the idea of me fapping/thinking about other women. I don’t think they understand the male desire for variety

[somegirl]

Why do you do it when you already have a girl to do it with, rather than just watching it over screen? No judging, just curious

[Twega]

I've been with my girl for over a year.

I watch porn, she watches porn. We're both cool with it.

This is really the bare minimum of openness/security/chillness here..

 

[Shin]

10 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Why do you do it when you already have a girl to do it with, rather than just watching it over screen? No judging, just curious

Because one girl is not enough, and will never be enough.

[Twega]

12 minutes ago, Peter Miklis said:

Honestly, jelousy should be a dealbreaker. And I'm talking "I'll never speak to him/her again" type of dealbreaker.

100% !!

[Joel3102]

14 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Why do you do it when you already have a girl to do it with, rather than just watching it over screen? No judging, just curious

First the first couple of months when the girl is new, you might not have a desire to look at porn. But after a while, you’ll start to crave variety 

[Twega]

@somegirl

16 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Why do you do it when you already have a girl to do it with, rather than just watching it over screen? No judging, just curious

I think women do not appreciate how much men's arousal is triggered by a new experience. Anything novel will trigger dopamine. If you do it with the same person for a year, you will start to lose your arousal. If you start to have sex with another person, and then you have sex with your gf again, it will feel new and you feel much aroused. Women do not want to hear this, but it is the truth.

This is why I am a proponent of open relationships. I have been in one for a year, and I absolutely love it and I love her more than anything. It is such a relief to not have to choose between sexual freedom and romantic love. It is hard, it requires constant awareness of egoic emotions, but it is worth it.

[somegirl]

@Twega So is this one of those talks that "guys can't help themselves and are naturally made that way to crave many sexual partners"?

Would you say monogamous relationships are not possible, given guys are obviously craving for variety? 

[intotheblack]

I don’t think the issue is watching porn, it’s the masturbating over girls that you know on Facebook. 

how can she see your search history etc. Does she have access to your accounts? 

[somegirl]

Given what you guys said, successful and long lasting monogamous relationships are simply not possible because guys naturally crave for variety, so one girl is not enough. Sooner or later she would have to accept this reality and learn to deal with it, since it's just nature at play. And she has to be okay with it. 

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, somegirl said:

@Twega So is this one of those talks that "guys can't help themselves and are naturally made that way to crave many sexual partners"?

Would you say monogamous relationships are not possible, given guys are obviously craving for variety? 

Think of it this way:

Would you be happy with being friend with one and one person only aside your boyfriend ?
That's more or less the equivalent of a guy's needs.

You need intimacy more (several deep friendship, even with men), we need sexual variety.

It's just how it is.

[intotheblack]

6 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Given what you guys said, successful and long lasting monogamous relationships are simply not possible because guys naturally crave for variety, so one girl is not enough. Sooner or later she would have to accept this reality and learn to deal with it, since it's just nature at play. And she has to be okay with it. 

It just depends on the individual men this is not the total truth.  Many men don’t care about that especially as they get older.  
 

Edited May 22, 2021 by intotheblack

[bejapuskas]

@JohnIsDoe  Do you think she is good in bed?

[somegirl]

5 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

It just depends on the individual men this is not the total truth.  Many men don’t care about that especially as they get older.  
 

I would hope so. Because given that logic, girls are "made" to suffer (because they obviously crave monogamous relationships and deep intimacy with one person) because sooner or later they will be replaced by another girl, because nature simply made it be that way.

[intotheblack]

12 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I would hope so. Because given that logic, girls are "made" to suffer (because they obviously crave monogamous relationships and deep intimacy with one person) because sooner or later they will be replaced by another girl, because nature simply made it be that way.

Yep. Of course it’s purely devilish to say that from a mans point of view, and it’s benefitting them to say that it is the woman who should be more secure and that she has to simply accept that.  It wouldn’t be expected of the man to transcend himself in that area. No just the woman should change.  It allows them to keep being devils.  
also remember most the guys on this forum are young and have distorted views on relationships and love.  

Edited May 22, 2021 by intotheblack

[Twega]

@somegirl

33 minutes ago, somegirl said:

@Twega So is this one of those talks that "guys can't help themselves and are naturally made that way to crave many sexual partners"?

Would you say monogamous relationships are not possible, given guys are obviously craving for variety? 

It really is the nature of the male mind to gravitate towards sexual variety, no matter how much more conscious I become as a person, this has remained with me since I was a teenager till this moment. As you can see, many men will tell you the same.

The keyword here is "gravitate" some men might be really insecure and will not risk losing their gf so they will not do it, some men are not comfortable with cheating and if they can't find a partner who will be willing to be in an open relationship, they won't do it. Some men will repress it for religious reasons, etc etc.

If you want my opinion on it, I think we are emotionally monogamous but not sexually. So it depends on what your definition of monogamy is, as per the standard definition, I would say the majority of men are non-monogamous. Of course, some are.

[SamC]

15 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

Yep. Of course it’s purely devilish to say that from a mans point of view, and it’s benefitting them to say that it is the woman who should be more secure and that she has to simply accept that.  It wouldn’t be expected of the man to transcend himself in that area. No just the woman should change.  It allows them to keep being devils.  
also remember most the guys on this forum are young and have distorted views on relationships and love.  

@intotheblack Wait. Have I understood this right?

Is this ^^  an example of the same rhetoric that men use on woman.

That men should trancend their " devilry" while woman shouldn't trancend anything? ( That men are selfish and need to change and not woman becuase woman are the good guys)

Or am I missing something?

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by SamC