ADHD Stripping Me of Passion and Life Purpose

[SamC]

On 2021-05-22 at 0:18 AM, 2neurotic4u said:

Ever since childhood I've had ADHD. Continually acting out, I was constantly chastised by my parents for my impulsivity and inability to focus. At the time I simultaneously was known as "that weirdo kid" and "the smart kid." As I've learned that many ADHD kids face, I was repeatedly told how much potential I had (inferring that I’m wasting it). Throughout middle and high school I was able to tame my inner spirit of acting out, as I became aware how much I was screwing up my own life by never paying attention, so I was able to force myself to get it together. The main remnant of my ADHD (which, I'll note, I was never diagnosed with for a very long time) was lack of focus. 

It seems pretty straightforward. You can do concentration practice, and you can meditate. You can find your passion and do things that really excite you. One of these things is sure to tame your inner beast. It's just focus, right? 

Unfortunately, it was never so easy for me. 

I really don't like being the victim and relinquishing all hope over my life, so as a precursor to the rest of this, I haven't given up hope. I just need some input. Back to the story.

Throughout taking some pretty difficult classes (for an undiagnosed ADHD kid), I found myself studying more than my peers for many assignments and taking school seriously. Doing work was so infuriating, and it still can be. Because even on medication now, I have trouble focusing. It only alleviates the issue. In school, no class would go by where I didn't look at the clock at least 5 times. 

If you're not familiar with the brain chemistry component of ADHD, people are not hyperactive and unfocused because there is a chemical that causes them to be distracted. Rather, it's a lack of dopamine, which leads to a lack of sustained focus and interest. I've heard theories that this is because back in hunter-gatherer societies, humans couldn't be focused on one thing for too long, otherwise they could be killed by a wild animal. Whatever the cause may be, it makes it so that you don't find an interest in so many things. I can’t “lose yourself" in many activities as many neurotypical people can. Simply "find your passion" is *not* enough to ignite me. I've taken Leo's life purpose course and read books on mastery + LP. I've done meditation and concentration practice, as well as breathing work. I still meditate on a daily basis. I've watched countless videos on YT for how to "find your passion," and I have probably more than 100 google docs journals writing in pure frustration and confusion, not to mention I've tried probably around 10 - 15 activities/hobbies in search of finding that *one* I really enjoyed. 

I can only imagine the ease with which a neurotypical person can "find their purpose" and just be done. I would do anything to wake up in the morning out of love of one's craft. I've had periods where I would be willing to trade an arm and a leg for a deep passion. I'm so jealous of people who can immerse themselves in activities. When I see someone who goes "I can work for 12+ hours at a time in full immersion because I love what I do." all I can think of is what hells I can put myself through to get there. It's excruciating. 

Most people probably know the general idea of the concepts presented in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's "Flow" by now. This is where you become a master in your craft of choice, and get to points where you can just focus for extended periods of bliss. Although I find certain things can be enjoyable, I don’t really have a passion that can get focus/flow states, (sadly) with the exception of videogames: For me, the main thing I've really been able to achieve a flow state in is videogames. It's all I really want to do a lot of the time. Before I even had my personal computer, my parents told me I would try playing some rudimentary games on the ancient preschool computer/device. I don’t know what it is, but I just lose touch with my body, the world, and can lose myself for hours. This is what's known as "hyperfocus" in ADHDers. We can't control what we hyperfocus on. We just do. For me, it's videogames. I become immersed. Apart from that and some really beautiful shows I've seen, nothing can grasp and pull me in the same way. After a long day of confusion, I just want to load up my game and fight against other people. It’s just me and my mouse at that point, and it feels great, except for that nagging feeling in the back of my head that I’m wasting my life and that I’m being lazy again. 

As for some other things I (sort of) enjoy, there’s story building and creating fictional, intricate worlds, fine visual arts - specifically drawing people and detailed machinery. I always liked the line-making aspect of drawing over the creative aspects of it, though. The repetitive motion and the pursuit of perfection was nice. I’m not super creative. Ever since a young age, I was much more logically inclined (left brain) and I always gravitated toward more puzzle-type logical things. Everyone knew me as being really good at math and a fast thinker. I remember also getting really into deck-building games and I would pore over different combinations for cards for hours. Adding onto that, I also really liked strategy and I remember getting lost in my head with different strategies for the games I played. I liked the aspect of tinkering with arranging different parts into something unique with deckbuilding in particular. Putting things together like that was always fun. That might be the closest I got to enjoying something creative, but I don’t really know how to transfer something like that to an LP.

Pure creativity without a purpose to make something of value/something useful (I intellectually know all of this is still subjective) like abstract art or art in general turned me off, and it still does. A reason I was never really able to get into writing/world creation was because no matter how many hard magic systems I built, nothing felt like it had inherent meaning (Again, subjective opinion). I liked making really intricate, detailed things through art, but never really the actual artistic part. There are a few artistic works I've seen that have just really struck me like lightning, but other than that, I haven't really been able to appreciate much art throughout my life. More so than creative, I also enjoyed any sort of competitive activity - I was fiercely competitive and it would engulf me. I liked the skill ladder for any pursuit that I could climb and improve against others.

As for my skills, I’m very intuitive. When I was very good at math as a kid, it would be because I knew how all the cogs of the metaphorical machine worked, and I could just intuit the answer. I didn’t really think in words by saying (seven times four means I add seven.. one, two, three, four times), but instead my mind would just jump to the answer. I wouldn’t think in pictures, but I would just feel the way of doing the problem. I’ve pondered the idea of being like a hands-on-craftsman, or, more generally, I like the idea of going into a field where I can tinker and feel my way through things. As I grew up, though, I was taught to solve all problems in words via deductive reasoning, and given the complexity of many problems in school, I often made silly mistakes and, to this day, take longer than most to understand most concepts.

Also, I can read people’s emotional states very well. Sometimes I find myself responding to people based on the “vibe” they’re giving off, rather than the words that are coming out of their mouth. I can be very socially attuned to how people react to certain things. I also really enjoy being able to give presentations/talks and teaching information. I remember teaching concepts would always light me up. I can’t really see myself being a teacher, or therapist though.

It’s very frustrating because I feel like I have all these strands, yet asked “what do you really want?”, the strands don’t come together to form any cohesive piece. I’m incredibly mercurial, switching from one thing to the next. Nothing really sticks. As for my impact on the world, I care more about quality of impact on more individual scales, rather than widespread, thinned impact. Apart from this, I’m still searching, as I have been for as long as I can remember.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t really "hyperfocus" on much of anything else besides games, including many of the activities I listed above. When I have to do something, I can do the activity, and often I do. I force myself, though. I’ve gotten good at doing chores, and unfortunately 95%+ of life feels like one to me. This had led to a lot of neuroses, such as constantly, constantly thinking about the future. I can stay in the present for short periods of time, but there’s little attraction to the present moment for me. I’m an excessive overthinker and I tend to live in my head and doubt myself a lot. I'm a big worrier and perfectionist too, although I'm working on not feeding these thoughts.

One skill I’ve obtained from suffering with ADHD for so long is the ability to “just get through it”. Especially on medication, I can force myself through the day, but I rarely enjoy most of the activities. I “get through” this activity, then “get through” this work, and then I “get through” this other thing. It’s not purely a mindset thing, either. I just don’t enjoy so much of life. Always living for the future.

 

The first approach to this problem : Reading a lot about the creative freedoms of mastery and the fulfillment that masters get from improving their craft, I’ve always wanted to master a skill. 

I read “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport and "Mastery" by Robert Greene, and I’m starting to think that maybe I need to force and grind my way to mastery. My dad always commented that “You only seem to really like the things that you’re good at.” Perhaps when I’ve reached the top of skill mountain, I can see things from a different vantage point and do what I really enjoy. With implementing strong habits and having friends keeping me accountable, I could pick a domain I’m willing to put in the time for, and grind out the skills necessary. I’m super competitive, so that could help in this quest for developing skill. I know this doesn’t seem too healthy, putting grind over passion, and putting competition over creativity. At this point though, it’s the best strategy I can think of for myself.

I have a habit of switching my focuses right away (because again, I find so little things interesting), so perhaps if I could just stay stuck like glue to one skill and put in 2k-5k-10k hours, I’ll be able to enjoy life more. If I make a plan and force myself to stick to it, maybe I would begin to enjoy it along the way. I don’t think keeping the habit or laziness would be the issue if I really decided to go down this road, it’s more so whether I would genuinely want to make this time commitment. 

The second approach I could take is to just keep looking. To find something that really gets me on fire, that one thing I can laser-focus on and I can keep coming back to by being pulled, rather than pushing myself. (everything right now is me pushing myself). This would be nice. It feels like I’ve exhausted so many options, though. 

 

TL DR 

Is it a pitfall to make a synthetic LP through just getting skilled at one thing until I can appreciate that thing at a deeper level and attain deeper levels of focus? Or should I keep searching for something that really draws me in?

I have bad ADHD and cannot find enjoyment in many activities the “normal” way.

 

Thank you for sticking with me through the long read. I’d be grateful for any advice. 

@2neurotic4u

This video might be life changeing for you...

It's time stamped but watch it from the beginning. ( I haven't finished all of it yet)

 

 

[JonasVE12]

47 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

@JonasVE12

Hey man, thank you for your answer, you seem like a really great guy. That's a lot of information and effort for a stranger on a forum. Thank you.

About my life purpose - I want to grow my YouTube channel, I am looking for a 9-5 high-paying job that will help me to make a transition towards my purpose. By getting into the flow and following higher guidance I got job positions that are more and more aligned to what I want to do, which I find fulfilling, and I already somehow managed to achieve what you are talking about in your post - to get as much as possible from the job I currently do, to use it later in my purpose - work ethics, excellence, discipline, etc. 

There is only one thing that is pulling me back over and over again and really cock blocks my progress, I made a topic about that just a second ago, maybe you can relate. 

A whole bunch of self-sabotages mechanisms come from that one only. Still didn't find a root cause and it took years of my life away already.

 

My pleasure, my friend! 

I've read the topic you inserted in your post. I wonder how much supression/repression is going on in your psyche. You can do years and years of deep spiritual / self development work, but not really get anywhere if the work does not involve deep explorative emotional releasing, embodiment & integration work. In the end, the solution is simple, yet not easy. It's a subtle proces of attuning your inner compass to that which needs your attention to be released, to whatever resistance is under the surface in your subconscious. That inner compass needs to lead your consciousness to a place where you become aware of your resistances, which are feelings, and gradually surrender and release them day by day for weeks. The thoughts don't need your attention. The feelings do. 

I won't go into it further here because there is a better alternative and that is reading this book: "Letting go - david hawkins". 

The proces of letting go and surrendering ultimately leads to a permanent emotional release in your energetic and emotional system which will set you free forever. The context of your life and experience does not matter. How you got this way does not matter. Your traumas are not unique and don't matter. What matters is now and your inner compass. Becoming free of your resistances is not complicated. It's simple and the tools are already present. It's so simple that your mind might even come up with excuses because of the fear of letting go itself. It all wants to stay in darkness. Therefore the resistance to the simplicity of the art of surrender & letting go. "I don't believe such a simplistic thing can work..." - That's more fear to surrender to. 

You'll be suprised after you really got deep into surrender & letting go that when you shift, you didn't even notice because it just goes away from your consciousness, but you will feel more free & a lot lighter. The proces is nuanced and needs some attention though. Both making time for a release practice and releasing in the moment. Emotional blockages are the worst when trying to go all out in working towards your LP. And just life in general. As you experience, they hold you back in all sorts of ways. Self-sabotage, escapism, and all sorts of protection mechanisms. 

The proces is like peeling an orange. Keep surrendering & releasing bit by bit, layer by layer, resistance by resistance, and then boom, something shifted. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@JonasVE12

I heard about that book and Dawking's work in general. How would you go about this work in practice? What are the methods to reach DA FREEDOM?

I'm doing a lot of habits every day and I wonder what would you as this emotional release practice. 

Thank you in advance.

Edited May 31, 2021 by 28 cm unbuffed

[JonasVE12]

@28 cm unbuffed I would read the book if you want to learn more about it. I would love to explain it, but it is easier for you to grasp if you can form a more nuanced intellectual framework around the actual proces, and then you can attune your consciousness to it better by following your intuition that the understanding of the framework provides. It is a very popular book, yet 98% of people reading it don't have the consciousness to apply these things correctly and so they don't benefit from it. I initially didn't want to read the book because the sentence 'letting go' felt so simplistic and cliche that I couldn't believe how my complicated problems could simply disappear by 'letting go', lol. So powerful. Good luck and hope you get something out of it!  Imagine you don't have to do any practices soon because you simply let go.... As simple as that.

The sentence 'just let go' also regularly gets thrown around here as advice, but not being much useful because it does not allow the reader to understand what it implies if the intellectual framework is not provided with the answer. It lacks nuance and so people don't consider 'letting go' too much because it seems cliche. 

[JonasVE12]

@28 cm unbuffed Oh yeah, and if you understand the technique, but you want more guidance on how it can apply to your specific situation/emotions/thoughts/beliefs, you can certaintly PM me. 

[2neurotic4u]

On 5/27/2021 at 9:45 AM, JonasVE12 said:

I have ADHD, I have been diagnosed recently. I had wasted years and years of time and energy pursuing things that I didn't care for, just so I could get back to that flow. To get these emotions back of freedom & joyful expression. To pursue whatever I wanted without pressure from inside/outside. The explorations were never about 'now', they were always an escape from 'now' - to becoming free of what is now . Why wasn't I free now? Where was I running from?

For me, all these explorations and ideas I wasted so much time with was the acting out of my hidden toxic shame that was twisted around my personality and had me in it's power for all those years from when I was 13 or so. It was all avoidance and distraction. 

When I attuned myself to self-help, my toxic shame became so happy. It offered me the perfect distraction possibility so I would not be aware of it for many more years. The notion of mastery & life-purpose was so beautiful. So I distracted myself with them for so long so I could set myself free. Also the outside pressure of society and parents played a big role. You 'have' to do something that garuantees survival and if you can even find flow (as it is marketed in books), then of course you are on your way and attach some hope to it. It's self-deception.

First off, thank you very much for your lengthy responses. I really appreciate it, and I've been thinking about how to respond.

These first paragraphs really struck a chord in me. It's both liberating and terrifying to read because I feel that I could have written the same thing, except later on in my life. Almost as if a future self is warning me of going down the same path you did. 

Specifically, I relate to your idea of 'toxic shame,' taking it, and using it as your guidance. I very often find myself "wanting" to do things that I hate, not because I want to do those activities, but to instead get to a place where I can feel happy. If I'm not mistaken, that's a pretty strong embodiment of living with toxic shame. 

Similar to how you described it, the ideas of mastery can be incredibly alluring. For one, the idea of being able to be in the top 1%, 0.1%, or higher in your field is very exciting to think about. Regardless of what is driving you to get to that point, it's very easy to justify an unhealthy work ethic or path by telling yourself that, once you're there and once you have the skills, you're set. You get to reap the benefits of your labors, which can go from values like validation and acceptance to creativity and helping humanity. The second thing is that, it isn't something like a videogame addiction. For every one person that tells you that you don't want to get caught up in blind mastery, there are 100 people telling you to get off videogames. In fact, mastery, achieving flow states, and creating artisan works are seen almost unanimously by society to be a positive thing. 

That's important for me to say because I'm starting to feel that the ideas of mastery can actually have a negative impact on my life. When I'm not working on my goals, I feel guilty. There's always someone working more than I am toward something. When other opportunities spring up, it's hard to detach from my current goals, because I'm not enjoying much of the work I do to begin with. It's like spending x amount of time and labor for y goal. If I don't even enjoy the work, I'm sacrificing energy for a future ideal. Thus, just quitting would make my work a wasted sacrifice. 

Finally, not doing work toward a goal created a sense of stagnation, that I'm wasting time toward mastery that I won't get back. 

All of these factors combined make it easy (in terms of the decision, not the struggle of the work) to just want to work toward a single goal mindlessly, putting every future moment over the present. Like I've said earlier, I have trouble finding things I enjoy. For a while, I would tell myself that if I'm not going to feel happy anyway, I might as well be suffering for a future dream. That became kind of the essence of my entire LP strategy after I couldn't find work that I could enjoy doing. 

On 5/27/2021 at 9:45 AM, JonasVE12 said:

But of course you can't focus because it is not you...It's not authentic... It's all escape & conditioning. Supressed emotions steering your life in the wrong direction very unconsciously. Thoughts come up 'It's all ADHD', again, another attempt at avoidance driven by my toxic shame so it can remain in darkness (in my situation).

What I would have done if I didn't have to do anything and was free was going out with friends, exploring activities that I loved doing and enjoying presence... I didn't even know what I loved doing anymore because I was so distracted with running away from my fears and trying to gain that freedom. You start to dissociate from yourself. And so you dissociate from what is now too (distraction, zoning out). Because fundementally, you have dissociated from yourself. 

I really like what you're saying here, but I don't know if I completely get it yet. 

When you say "But of course you can't focus because it is not you...It's not authentic... It's all escape & conditioning." Do you mean to say that, there is something out there that I would enjoy and that I could focus on, if I just let myself be free and stop moralizing about what I should and should not do?

I don't let go because inside, I fear many things: For example, I fear that my work ethic will tank. If I'm not there to push myself through the task, I fear that I will not do it at all. Like I said above, I fear losing progress that I worked hard to obtain. I fear letting go of ideals of who I could become.. the list goes on. 

That doesn't mean that it's justified to keep suppressing everything, though.

On 5/27/2021 at 9:45 AM, JonasVE12 said:

Of course in that free space, you can find your life-purpose, but it comes when you are ready and psychologically free from the things holding you back now. The exploration and route to mastery would then not be as painful as it is to you now. It is a sign that you really need to look at yourself deeply and become conscious of the big picture of your life.

I like this idea. That even if I lose a lot of structure to my life initially by letting go, I will eventually figure out what it is that I'm meant to do. I need to get rid of the toxic mindset that, when I stop and let go, someone else is getting ahead. It's not so good for my mental health to see everything like a big competition. That's a whole other topic though. 

13 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

What you said above, I can relate to very much, yet I think the framing is a bit off. Being creative & finding practical opportunities can rebalance this effortless ratio significantly until you actually don't hate it anymore but look forward to going to work. Although it is still survival and not fully driven by your authentic inspiration, it can still be enjoyable. This is the most important. If you can find peace and presence in what you are doing, you stabilize yourself, and you can find much more freedom to transition to things that are even more in allignment. 

We all want this LP and passion right now so we can be free of now. The whole journey becomes about that place in our mind that represents that freedom you are chasing after through ourLP. The LP is important, if you are passionate about it, but it should not be a means to become free of now. Maybe if you filfill it, you can drive in your Lambo and get the freedom to travel the world, and those are worthy things to pursue, but in the end, a lot of freedom & fullfillment is found doing things that are authentic in the present despite the unrealised potential in that moment. Such as finding a job that is 60% in allignment. A lot of lifes treasures is found in how present you can be with what you are doing and how much personal value and enjoyment you get out of that which is happening now. The other 40%, you can grow to when you find that LP.

At the same time, finding catalysts for your life purpose helps a lot too. Such as for me, releasing shame & gaining social freedom was the key factor. Sometimes there are hidden blocks between you and your LP that need to be discovered and worked around. Logistical issues as well. 

Just realise that there's things that will always be more difficult and unnatural for you to do. Even when you are fully in allignment in your life, there's always tasks that will demand your attention that you'll rather not do. Embracing the struggle & realising that distraction in those areas are part of the journey helps. Also when working on your actual LP, some things are harder, yes. Just keep progressing to that golden 90% effortlessness ratio. See the bigger picture of your life and how you can rebalance. Even make radical decisions and changes if you have to. 

I think this is what I really needed to hear, though. I need to focus on being present more than anything else. And yes, I do spend the majority of my time in my head. And the stuff about not being perfectionistic.. I gotta work on that too. 

I gleaned from all this I should probably focus on figuring out my internal first before putting all my energy into the external. 

[2neurotic4u]

@TheSomeBody

Interesting, I've done a lot of research on how to help ADHD, from diet to exercise to medication. Yet, I struggle with finding a solution. 

How does one go about this?

[2neurotic4u]

@Space

Thank you, I'll look into it. Let's just say that I do have metal amalgams, or some other sort of heavy metal poisoning. What would be the next step?

[2neurotic4u]

@28 cm unbuffed

17 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

Not sure what it is, maybe some kind of inner conflict, like I feel that I'm selling my soul and that drives me crazy.

I'm familiar with that feeling of feeling like you've tried it all, yet still you just don't know what to do. I do really like @JonasVE12's idea of just going inwards for a few weeks, into the present instead of into the future.

I'm still figuring it all out for myself though, so I don't have much to add.

I just hope everyone struggling with this uncertainty can figure it out, because I know first-hand that it can be very difficult at times. Best of luck.

[2neurotic4u]

@TheSomeBody

I read through your tutorial and the ideas presented are really interesting. 

Essentially, one would learn to produce their own emotions and stimulation through will, rather than relying on medication to produce those effects for them. At least that's what I got from it. 

This is an extremely fascinating/groundbreaking concept if it can be used consistently. Are you able to use this effectively yourself, or do you know of anyone who can? If so, I'd be really intrigued to hear about it. 

My question is about the alertness part of the exercise: Is this the same as meditation? I've noticed that when I stay alert in every, single moment, my willpower quickly diminishes and I lose focus very easily. How can I combat this? 

[2neurotic4u]

@SLuxy

Thank you. What you're saying is true: telling a person with adhd to just 'power through' or giving simple advice can not be effective.

It would be like giving someone an operating system handbook for Windows when they have a Mac. Doesn't really work all that well, even though you could argue "It's the same computer? Why aren't you trying hard enough?" etc. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@JonasVE12

Thank you a lot mate, I will for sure read that one.

[Space]

2 hours ago, 2neurotic4u said:

@Space

Thank you, I'll look into it. Let's just say that I do have metal amalgams, or some other sort of heavy metal poisoning. What would be the next step?

You'd need to get them removed safely by a SMART registered dentist. And then start a heavy metal detox protocol (also called chelation) where you adopt a very specific supplement plan over the next 6-12 months. All the info you'd need is here:

https://andy-cutler-chelation.com/#THE_CHELATION_PROCEDURE_-_AFTER_DENTAL_REVISION

[TheSomeBody]

2 hours ago, 2neurotic4u said:

@TheSomeBody

I read through your tutorial and the ideas presented are really interesting. 

Essentially, one would learn to produce their own emotions and stimulation through will, rather than relying on medication to produce those effects for them. At least that's what I got from it. 

This is an extremely fascinating/groundbreaking concept if it can be used consistently. Are you able to use this effectively yourself, or do you know of anyone who can? If so, I'd be really intrigued to hear about it. 

My question is about the alertness part of the exercise: Is this the same as meditation? I've noticed that when I stay alert in every, single moment, my willpower quickly diminishes and I lose focus very easily. How can I combat this? 

i use this technique, it is much better that adhd meds but takes lots of practice.

it is not the same , you are just doing it while doing other stuff but you mainly doing the drill, it gives you the feelings you need to do other stuff easely.
first you should get rid of your shadow, it makes you tired , also you should strive to be super alert, you can be more alert than your reaction to this alertness 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@JonasVE12 Thank you a lot mate, I will for sure read that book. 

[JonasVE12]

 

9 hours ago, 2neurotic4u said:

First off, thank you very much for your lengthy responses. I really appreciate it, and I've been thinking about how to respond.

These first paragraphs really struck a chord in me. It's both liberating and terrifying to read because I feel that I could have written the same thing, except later on in my life. Almost as if a future self is warning me of going down the same path you did. 

Specifically, I relate to your idea of 'toxic shame,' taking it, and using it as your guidance. I very often find myself "wanting" to do things that I hate, not because I want to do those activities, but to instead get to a place where I can feel happy. If I'm not mistaken, that's a pretty strong embodiment of living with toxic shame. 

Similar to how you described it, the ideas of mastery can be incredibly alluring. For one, the idea of being able to be in the top 1%, 0.1%, or higher in your field is very exciting to think about. Regardless of what is driving you to get to that point, it's very easy to justify an unhealthy work ethic or path by telling yourself that, once you're there and once you have the skills, you're set. You get to reap the benefits of your labors, which can go from values like validation and acceptance to creativity and helping humanity. The second thing is that, it isn't something like a videogame addiction. For every one person that tells you that you don't want to get caught up in blind mastery, there are 100 people telling you to get off videogames. In fact, mastery, achieving flow states, and creating artisan works are seen almost unanimously by society to be a positive thing. 

Exactly that  It's nice that you are noticing contrast and it will certainly build on itself in terms of your capacity to be aware of your motives for what you are doing in your life.

What is often forgotten is that when one achieves mastery or has become competent in a certain area, automatically, some dynamics exists within that context such as validation, recognition, helping humanity, financial abundance, etc, but these are not precursors for flow, presence and happiness, although they can help and add value, the engaging in this area can still be driven out of lack and not from your authentic emotional centers, which is difficult to address if you are constantly looking externally. For that reason, you can observe a lot of succesful people that still feel empty inside because they keep chasing those states compusilvely out of compensation for shame.  The notion of mastery and developing a certain life skill is definitely imprinted into the collective conciousness as a standard but as many things in society, it's not a one size fits all. It works for some people in a certain context, yet for people with a more complicated psychology, where the nuance of their internal world may be out of awareness, it can make it so that they blindly act on these collective patterns, distracting them and keeping their supressed emotions out of sight.

Never get told that you have a video game addiction and that you have to quit it. Parents always say that. "Get off your playstation, You need to study! You have exams coming up. Think of your future! Not your stupid video games!". The way society strucutres our individual experience is through linear time progression that prioritises the acquisition of knowledge and skills. 'You be a good boy and go on the route of mastery so you can help to maintaim balance in our economic system.'

Yes, there are survival obligations, but if video games bring you in a flow where you experience so much enjoyment, go for it to the maximum of your ability without forgetting survival. Lose yourself in video gaming. Have fun, explore your imagination and creativity. They can learn you a lot too about yourself when you look at the type of gameplay you are attracted to. At times, you can even see how you try to achieve an emotional state inside the game that you are wishing to embody in yourself as well. 

I used to play non stop video games from when I was 12 until 17. Each day I would wake up and play video games with my friends. I remember it so fluently. Those times were amazing. I grew out of it and had to find new meaning though (which I couldn't for long because of shame), which is a natural proces which happens to many people in other areas as well. Such as with MMA-fighters that once found so much flow & fullfillment in training and competing at one time in their life, and then when they become older, they find their flow and fullfillment in coaching and training young fighters. These coaches wake up everyday giving back, spreading love through teaching & coaching which ultimately fullfills them to a very high degree. 

You never become a good fighter if the motivation is external, like validation or happiness. They do it because they love the art & like competing. All the rest is just the icing on the cake. For those people, the journey is really about now. Yes, there are goals that are in the future. But they are not the primary focus and they don't place it on a pedestal for reaching happiness/relief from toxic shame. They are fundamentally at peace with themselves and they are driven from higher emotional centers that shameful people don't yet embody. People in this situation need to really attune themselves to an emotional releasing, embodiment and integration practice so they can climb higher on the emotional scale. 

9 hours ago, 2neurotic4u said:

That's important for me to say because I'm starting to feel that the ideas of mastery can actually have a negative impact on my life. When I'm not working on my goals, I feel guilty. There's always someone working more than I am toward something. When other opportunities spring up, it's hard to detach from my current goals, because I'm not enjoying much of the work I do to begin with. It's like spending x amount of time and labor for y goal. If I don't even enjoy the work, I'm sacrificing energy for a future ideal. Thus, just quitting would make my work a wasted sacrifice. 

Finally, not doing work toward a goal created a sense of stagnation, that I'm wasting time toward mastery that I won't get back. 

All of these factors combined make it easy (in terms of the decision, not the struggle of the work) to just want to work toward a single goal mindlessly, putting every future moment over the present. Like I've said earlier, I have trouble finding things I enjoy. For a while, I would tell myself that if I'm not going to feel happy anyway, I might as well be suffering for a future dream. That became kind of the essence of my entire 

LP strategy after I couldn't find work that I could enjoy doing.

Yes, the present moment is always filtered from the lense of toxic shame which drives that super achievement attachment style which is perfecionistic in nature as well as experiencing guilt & shame as a permanent emotional state. The present moment is fundamentally never enough here. You have to be on top of everything. You have to be perfect. You have to work hard. You have to be smart. You need discipline & work ethic. All projections of internal supressed emotions.

What about letting go of everything and just playing video games all day long? Why not? What are you so afraid of not achieving/getting? What emotions are there found in a future ideal for you? What are you after so badly? What is not here now. Yes, 'Flow', But what is it charachterised by for you personally? Flow is typically accompanied by the true allignment of your present experience with your soul. A true authentically inspired emotional investment in to your exploration of now. What emotions block your experience of these emotions right now. What do you want to experience?

 

9 hours ago, 2neurotic4u said:

I really like what you're saying here, but I don't know if I completely get it yet. 

When you say "But of course you can't focus because it is not you...It's not authentic... It's all escape & conditioning." Do you mean to say that, there is something out there that I would enjoy and that I could focus on, if I just let myself be free and stop moralizing about what I should and should not do?

The important thing to know is that supressed shame will supress your creative energy and your turn-on for life in general. If you are so occupied and identified with your toxic shame, all you have in mind is escaping it. There is not much room for true presence here. So therefore you dissociate from yourself when you associate with a false self which is shame based. All your life becomes the acting out. If you can get rid of the shame, doors open that were hidden from you from the point you identified with it until you released it. If you release your supressed emotions and conditioning, you become much more childlike in a sense. Like getting back in touch with that childlike innocence and curiosity. 

Try to do some visualisation. If you were completely free from what is holding you back now. If all of your internal resistances would go away.. Who would you be? What would you do? If you would be completely embodied with self-love, acceptance, courage and joy... What would you do? 

In this true space of freedom, where does your attention gravitate towards? It does not gravitate towards these goals you previously installed in your mind, right? They all were a means to embody higher emotional states. But if you embody them now... If there wouldn't be a voice in your mind telling you to do X and Y or distracting you with logistical considerations... Maybe you'd be playing video games? Or maybe something else? Maybe video games for you is 60% authentic and effortless, yet maybe also missing out? Maybe if you'd be completely free, you'd also do other things that are even more exciting?

9 hours ago, 2neurotic4u said:

I don't let go because inside, I fear many things: For example, I fear that my work ethic will tank. If I'm not there to push myself through the task, I fear that I will not do it at all. Like I said above, I fear losing progress that I worked hard to obtain. I fear letting go of ideals of who I could become.. the list goes on. 

That doesn't mean that it's justified to keep suppressing everything, though.

I like this idea. That even if I lose a lot of structure to my life initially by letting go, I will eventually figure out what it is that I'm meant to do. I need to get rid of the toxic mindset that, when I stop and let go, someone else is getting ahead. It's not so good for my mental health to see everything like a big competition. That's a whole other topic though. 

I think this is what I really needed to hear, though. I need to focus on being present more than anything else. And yes, I do spend the majority of my time in my head. And the stuff about not being perfectionistic.. I gotta work on that too. 

I gleaned from all this I should probably focus on figuring out my internal first before putting all my energy into the external. 

Yes

First and foremost, the most important thing is this:

You're not meant to do anything, but being here. Surrendering and flowing. Life is all about now. 

Fuck society. The only real struggle is the occupation of survival & financial considerations. You basically have to entangle your flow & present experience with something that earns money. But that's the whole quest of finding your true LP. It becomes infinitely more effortless to earn money when you are following your true authentic LP which comes from higher emotional embodiment. 

As you say, if you can look inward and get in touch with your emotions, lots of clarity will arise on its own. I think this will be the most important thing for you and that is a deep explorative dive into your emotions. Psychoanalysis is good, but not neccessary. You can do psychoanalysis on yourself, but It can be difficult to make sense of your own emotions if you are not connected to them which you are. Maybe read books like 'healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw' as well. Very helpful.

And also, a lot of the ADHD issue will resolve by itself. But it's certainly useful to use neuralplasticity & physical purification as well to connect to yourself on all levels and maximize cognitive potential.

[2neurotic4u]

@JonasVE12

8 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

Try to do some visualisation. If you were completely free from what is holding you back now. If all of your internal resistances would go away.. Who would you be? What would you do? If you would be completely embodied with self-love, acceptance, courage and joy... What would you do? 

I don't know, but it sure wouldn't involve my current mindsets on life haha

I'll definitely try this visualization. And I really like the idea that 

8 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

the journey is really about now

I see that I often push myself through pain for some future, possibly even imaginary outcome. And that outcome of flow and happiness would reside in.. the now. My realization here is that there really isn't any point in constantly sacrificing the now for the future. 

It's really shocking to realize that I'm just grinding away, not to reach goals, but to reach emotional states. If the goal is happiness, why not maximize the happiness, not the grind for it? 

And that I don't need to go through self-created sufferings to reach these states. My mind still has trouble grappling with a lot of these ideas, but I can feel I'm on the right path here.

Thanks again!

 

[2neurotic4u]

@JonasVE12 It's just very strange to me.. the notion that I can enjoy the present without regard for the future. It just feels weird, I guess. I think I just need to accept the fact that it's ok to sit back and enjoy life in the present moment, doing what I like to do. 

My brain keeps going "Ok, what then?" But maybe I don't need to know just yet. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by 2neurotic4u

[JonasVE12]

@2neurotic4u You are on the right track man. Keep letting go and surrendering & you'll find that true allignment within yourself. Good luck!