Relationships: A Must or Not?

[IAmReallyImportant]

I see friendships as something not necessary, but good to have and which can lead to great and wonderful experiences. The same applies for having a family with childs, dogs or whatever.

Now there is a trend of people saying having e.g. children is absolutely necessary to really develop as a human being. For me this doesn't feel right. In addition. if you have children you are forced to develop yourself or pushed/gravitated towards. This is easier than just do it from your own without external motivation. Because, having children is a huge responsibility and something is on the stake so to speak.

I also recognize people getting families to fit social standards and then they compare each other. E.g. an old friend called me and he wanted me to know that he achieved more than me. And that my university degrees and academic employment is nothing worth but having a family is. I find this comparison stuff comes from a place of worthlessness and for me it seems weird. In this case, I find he uses his family as a compensation strategy.

What do you think, are relationships not a can, but a must? Did you also had situations where you completely felt like you are not understood by e.g. talking about how you see things and then they called it subjective and crazy?

With me, this happens almost exclusively and I have the feeling that really no one understands what I am saying. And this leads to circular discussions and it is always like the other person already know whats true and that I have to understand it. If it gets too long they try to escape the discussion by either saying "this is stupid" or "lets leave it like everybody has its point and we don't come to consens". What do you do in this situation?

[universe]

They are not a must but a good relationship can make things more clear. Basically the other person can act as a mirror for you.

Some people are very attached to their worldviews/thoughts. They will stop discussing it, or even go to war for it. I wouldn't force a topic on anyone that isn't willing to explore his beliefs.

[Roy]

I view it this way; if you want to be a "balanced" person then perhaps it can be great thing to do. But it isn't completely necessary in the sense if you want to live an intensely unique life.

This isn't to say you can't live an intensely unique life and have relationships or a family at the same time, or that you can't be "developed" or "balanced" without relationships/family.

It's just acknowledging that sometimes there are costs for people if they want to live a particularly unique life, whether that be having a family, or anything else. It might require completely shedding the cultural mainframe that we are always pressured under.

Life is an incredibly precious thing. If you really want something specific, it will require you to completely stop giving any remote fuck about being understood, or accepted.

Look at this guy for example. Profoundly happy and content and living in near complete isolation for 40 years!

The lesson to learn here is discover what grounds you and be mindful to make it completely independent of the external world, including people. Nobody can really prescribe that for you, you'll have to figure it out on your own.

The only caveat is to contemplate and be honest about your happiness. Are you avoiding relationships because of a hidden resentment? Or are you truly happy and the outcome of no relationships is simply flowing from your own lifestyle and sense of grounding.

Edited May 22, 2021 by Roy

[IAmReallyImportant]

31 minutes ago, Roy said:

I view it this way; if you want to be a "balanced" person then perhaps it can be great thing to do

31 minutes ago, Roy said:

Are you avoiding relationships because of a hidden resentment? Or are you truly happy and the outcome of no relationships is simply flowing from your own lifestyle and sense of grounding.

First of all thanks for the comprehensive advice! What you say about grounding resonates, because it also applies to a unique life in terms of mainly concentrating on a craft etc. . 

I don't feel like I am avoiding them. I just tried to cut off relationships which didn't really serve me, but it doesn't work so far as I am in a situation currently where being completely alone would be kind of heavy. And I don't mean emotionally.

And I would be open to new ones but I could also have none. However, currently this is for me not at all something to pursue because of higher priorities.

2 hours ago, universe said:

They are not a must but a good relationship can make things more clear. Basically the other person can act as a mirror for you.

Some people are very attached to their worldviews/thoughts. They will stop discussing it, or even go to war for it. I wouldn't force a topic on anyone that isn't willing to explore his beliefs.

I completely agree ?

Edited May 22, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Flowerfaeiry]

Relationships are a must. Don't poo poo them. We are literally made up of relationships. 

[IAmReallyImportant]

6 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Relationships are a must. Don't poo poo them. We are literally made up of relationships. 

So your opinion is that because we live in a relative world, interpersonal relationships are a must?

That would also mean that without them you would physically die or not be satisfied throughout your life. Why are there so many examples of the opposite in this case? And why are there examples of enlightened masters who live in a cave and experience absolute bliss? Do you feel empty and lonely without people around you?

Again, my desire is not that I want to live in a cave or whatever alone till I die. It is about the answer of the question.

Edited May 23, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Flowerfaeiry]

4 hours ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

So your opinion is that because we live in a relative world, interpersonal relationships are a must?

That would also mean that without them you would physically die or not be satisfied throughout your life. Why are there so many examples of the opposite in this case? And why are there examples of enlightened masters who live in a cave and experience absolute bliss? Do you feel empty and lonely without people around you?

Again, my desire is not that I want to live in a cave or whatever alone till I die. It is about the answer of the question.

People do physically die from lack of relationship. Think of a baby who isnt given love, or an older person who lost their partner. No, the opinion is that because we are social beings, we need relationships to survive. Survival isn't just about life and death. 

Even someone who lives alone and never sees anyone ever, at one point they survived because of relationships. Also, you don't know that they experience "absolute bliss" all the time. They had to probably go through a lot of loneliness and still feel that way at times. 

You've taken extreme examples of humans that CAN survive without other humans and using that as a reason why relationships are not a must. 

Also, I'm not just talking about romantic or even close friendships...there are many different types and any kind of social interaction with another human is considered a relationship of some sort. 

 

[IAmReallyImportant]

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Think of a baby who isnt given love, or an older person who lost their partner.

This is also an extreme example.

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

You've taken extreme examples of humans that CAN survive without other humans and using that as a reason why relationships are not a must. 

 

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Also, you don't know that they experience "absolute bliss" all the time.

You don't either. Fact is, they didn't die and if they weren't satifsied they probably wouldn't do it. If someone does something like this, there must be a strong reason behind the act.

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Also, I'm not just talking about romantic or even close friendships...there are many different types and any kind of social interaction with another human is considered a relationship of some sort. 

I think it is clear from what I have written that the whole thread is about close relationships.

Edited May 23, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Flowerfaeiry]

5 hours ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

You don't either. Fact is, they didn't die and if they weren't satifsied they probably wouldn't do it. If someone does something like this, there must be a strong reason behind the act.

That's not a fact. You have no idea how many people are living in caves alone and what their lifestyle is like. If they never had any close relationships they would not have been able to do what you are proposing (living for decades alone and not having any close relationships ever). 

 

5 hours ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

I think it is clear from what I have written that the whole thread is about close relationships.

That doesn't change that relationships are more than "nice to have". I mean, if you don't want kids ok, I don't think THOSE are necessary, but I'd say for the most part, some type of close relationship is necessary. Yea, I'm sure there are people who maybe over time completely move away from ANY close relationship but they're really rare. 

[IAmReallyImportant]

7 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

That's not a fact. You have no idea how many people are living in caves alone and what their lifestyle is like. If they never had any close relationships they would not have been able to do what you are proposing (living for decades alone and not having any close relationships ever). 

There are enough historical records that prove it.

7 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Yea, I'm sure there are people who maybe over time completely move away from ANY close relationship but they're really rare. 

If they exist, then it's possible.

I e.g. did make a coding retreat for business reasons for about one year and I didn't feel lonely or any other unconfortable feeling even if I usually have friends. That is why I wonder so many people seem to be dependent on close relationships, as if love would come from the outside.

Edited May 24, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Alex bAlex]

Relationships are good and necessary from a societal point of view. It can help you climb or advance in your career or even developed more quickly by knowing people who know stuff or other people ....(you get the idea)

However in order to benefit from a relationship be it friendship or romantic one, I believe that you have to be comfortable by yourself first. To develop and own yourself as an individual human being. Subsequently people will be attracted and gravitate around you. 

 

Most people are thristy for relationships because of neediness or in order to get approval / adulation and overall looking to escape self reflection, which inevitable will pop up when you spend time by yourself.  

 

Just my two cents here ...

[SgtPepper]

Relationships are unavoidable in my experience.

you have a relationship with yourself, with others, with ideas and objects.

Practically speaking, relationships help us live longer and for me they are the juice of life.

[IAmReallyImportant]

5 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

Relationships are good and necessary from a societal point of view. It can help you climb or advance in your career or even developed more quickly by knowing people who know stuff or other people ....(you get the idea)

Again, it is about close relationships with other people.

4 hours ago, SgtPepper said:

you have a relationship with yourself, with others, with ideas and objects.

Again, it is about close relationships like friends or romantic ones.

4 hours ago, SgtPepper said:

Practically speaking, relationships help us live longer and for me they are the juice of life.

From my experience, most juice of life comes from spending time with ones own. And do something one loves to do.

Edited May 26, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[mivafofa]

If you don't develop relationships, your worldview and experiences will be narrowed down to just you.  It's limiting, don't you think?

Edited May 26, 2021 by mivafofa

[Aaron Truth]

After completely getting annihilated on building a good relationship, two divorces, and a cheating wife, I began soul searching and found actualized.org. I learned a lot and grew content on not being in one. Then a girl showed up in my life. She lost an 11 yr relationship with a police officer who was killed and single. I had no idea I would have such a pretty, cute, and loving fiancee, who is literally everything I imagined and thought did not exist. It has by far been the best relationship ever in my 40 yrs. I found they work best when you do not try but listen and then live as if you are single and also in a relationship at the same time. Be able to live dualistically.

[Harlen Kelly]

@Aaron Truth Statistically speaking the odds are heavily against your relationship working. I hope it works out.