Road to Healthy Ego

[Manusia]

In this thread I will write all my story specifically to create my own healthy Ego. I created a thread before about me and spiral dynamic but the title make not very flexible in the way that I say things in order to make a correlation to SD.

In this journal I will say things the way that I need to express..  I appreciate people that give me advice and the other way to view some issue or event that happened in my journey.. youre welcome!

My English language expression is not really good enough.. just let you know.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Manusia

[Manusia]

The Rolling Snow of Development - Begin.

Today hit different. Idk why Im feeling REALLY HIGH AF since tonight. Im really detached and can see my mind from more distant as aever without using psychedelic. My development now is very rapid. I think I never really grown for almost 4 years.. the fruit never seems.. I just using mask in my development journey.

The big shift that happened I think caused by me following what my intuition/heart/higherself says to me. 

I never forget it. In any case following intuition give much growth and happiness level that I cannot gain with my thinking mind. It just earth to the sky comparasion. The division when I was using my thinking mind.. is really torture me hard. 

I dont know.. this heart/intuition thing is much smarter than myself.. ever. When I think I can handle decisive making situation better than this. I just bullshitting myself. 

I got sober happiness that I really miss since 5 years ago. And even more beautiful this happiness come with conscioussness.. not with high illusion stuff. Now I can tell I much more in control, grounded, conscious, acceptance, loving, brave, alligned than ever before.

Im detach baby! right now Im detach baby! like subtle flying feeling from my body hahaha.

Im grateful. Im not lying to myself this time, telling myself im OK and happy.

Lets go building healthy habits! Healthy boundaries! Helathy ego! 

The development snow start rolling baby! I sense it! I sense it before it start!

Leibe.

[Manusia]

I do really miss this sense of life exploration. The zest of life. Actually zest of life is a previllege.. I understand it now. 

I think I need beware of this.. I can sense this huge happiness can make to others damage too.. sometimes it unconscious action one used to maintain the sense of happiness that happened.. so oftentimes they ignore lot of shit.. putting lot of stuff they dont want to see in the shadow. The problem in shadow is.. its always come to got the light in matter of time.

Ok I know.. Need to be really aware when I'm happy. Most of my happy time, I do not bring consciousness there. 

My most conscious time actually is when I have sadness in it. When there is pain in it.

[Manusia]

Its a skill to develop actually.

[Manusia]

Warning: Hate note

You famous? So what? So I more care about ya? So I need to make you an important person that I can use your famousity for my own advantage? U know why I hate most famous ppl? They just care about their self image. Not about how others feels and think. They dont care about perspective of others. SO YOU. Yes. YOU.

[Manusia]

I work on a youtuber before. He is type of guy that make a silly stupid nonsense fake prank content.

That time I need money and experience. So I signed in. He needed man to handle video shoot and editing. 

I just dont understand, why he think he still doing good. Like he literally fake all the action that he make. And feels no shame in it. Yes in the end of the video he have a good thing to say.. a good message. Good blue message, like there is often religious stuff in it. In the front of the camera like he is the good guy. Behind the scene, he blame people about almost anything that he look wrong.. make silly joke and blame to my co-worker who work with me because he make something wrong. I agree that this person do lot of wrongness. But the more this youtuber blame and make silly joke about him, the more he afraid and neurotic in any cirumstances of the jobdesk. And this youtuber looks have a feel of pleasure and power doing this shit. 

Even in friendship hood like he is a goodie guy that can really vibe. In the working enviroment, he as leader is doing really harmful stuff.

He oftentimes meet the deadlines and drive his car like crazy. And dont care about anything else expect his work need to be done at anything cost. Our team oftentimes cross the local rule and local moral value to meet his crazy idea. Almost in every project he make, he always insert some sort of scheme to manipulate how viewer see the video. 

He really afraid of me. I know all his weak points and blunder. I can blow him up everytime. He really implusive.

Idk if this guy really have a good intention or not. Its like he is a narcisstic. When he found someone know his own bullshit he act like someone who really dont know anything and have a really good intention. Meanwhile oftentimes I really see his intention is to just manipulate everything for the sake of 'content'.

In the long run if I work in this place I know my art style is just really be capitalized by my mind. And my creativity goes out the window. Time by time I unconscioussly become afraid if I do something wrong and he will angry with me. And I have my sense of independence. I become obeyer. I became really pragmatic and always see things like.. this shit will make more attention, this shit not.. this shit will make more fame and this is not. My mind become really toxic. 

Now Im out. And when I see his work.. I just wanna say my post before this. 

[hyruga]

 

[Manusia]

@hyrugawill watch it soon! 

[Manusia]

I found myself now in the slow down.. buliding really deep structure of my mind. Awareness to my own meaning creation. My mental creation. I watch it all happening. The meaning making, I observe this in my upper head area, and pineal gland maybe.. I dont know what is exact location.

Now I really got rid of my overthinking motion. Overthinking that always harshly punish oneself when I try to reflect my self. Reflect sometimes is not an option. The actual reflect that happened is I judging my own thought, judging my own illusion.. punishment for having illusion.. war of illusion vs illusion. Rationalize where is the more better. And no one is better. But the punishment do itself unconsciously.. my reality is like hell. Which is .... stupid to torture oneself like this.

Using gut feeling and heart is just more make sense than any of my rational thought that always very deceptive towards me. More rational than my rational. I can see whats really going on more clearly than using my thought to analyze. Yes I still use rationality but its below my gut feeling and heart feeling.

Think less, worry less, more fearless, more loving, feeling more, more acceptance of own weakness.

[Manusia]

Today I commit to take mind meaning creation more seriously. If I not doing that, I become a slave to my own mental cirrcullation. 

Take a constant awareness to my meaning making. Constant awareness of how my emotion play role in my tendencies to make meaning. And awareness of how my enviroment might have not netural energy that can affect my own emotion.

I am really aware that I am sensitive. And easily be hurt if people do say something unecessary and complusive.

I prefer to go out of any enviroment that cause my emotion overblown. If no I can really hurt people with my own resentment. Shadow inflation.

[Manusia]

Saying this all of this personal development stuff is easy. Walk the talk is very difficult.

I am afraid bullshitting myself.

[Manusia]

In the phase that need to build bottom structure of self. Be strong.

Root chakra healing. Heart chakra healing. Improving articulation. Understanding thought making process. Awareness of paradigm that I use. Energy awareness. Kindness for others. Introspection. Seeing.

Bravely. Developing anger. Developing arrogance. Authoritarian vibe. Be animal. Unapologetic. Dont care. Fuck off. Fight to death. Seeing boundaries that already inside. Power. Power. Power. Ego inflation. System thinking. Thinking for oneself. Tribal power. Familias power. 

This wild stuff I need develop.

At the end.. like Leo says.. radical openmindedness.. willingness to be offended.

Need to burn this value. Of course not in blunt way. In more mature way. In inside.

Im fire.

Edited May 25, 2021 by Manusia
Adding text

[Manusia]

@hyruga Its gold channel brah. He really resonate with me. Thanks! 

[Manusia]

Say what need to say.

Comminicate clearly. Make the person in front of you understand what deep core of what you saying. I know for me is uncomfortable af. But yeah.. this is the work. Communicate clearly. No trash mind after conversation because the way you communicate before.

As weird as it is. As wrong as it seems. Your perspective is still valid. .

[hyruga]

6 hours ago, Manusia said:

@hyruga Its gold channel brah. He really resonate with me. Thanks! 

Haha I never really watch his other videos. But I liked that video. 

I saw that his channel has quite a number of videos and it was started quite long ago but not many subscribers. I think if you want to start a channel and grow it, you really need to show your face and it will grow faster.

[Manusia]

6 hours ago, hyruga said:

I think if you want to start a channel and grow it, you really need to show your face and it will grow faster.

Totally right.. I was thinking about it thoo.. but in the other hand if Im not wrong he focused on podcast.

His journey is quite unique. He have critical point in live and awake. Lowering his ego as much, have no money. And developing ego.. inflate it and make it healthy. 

[Manusia]

When I tired or on ego backlash.. I think I need to cut all contact and the feeling need to contact anybody. Almost no one understanding sadness expect one who really caring and open. In my circle.. its zero. 

People want me when Im in good shape only.

When I become really needy and suffering ... I approach people for my comfort, try not to show what really inside, because when I say my velnurable shit.. people become shit reflection.

I remember people who really want to hear me when I write this. Dad, Nurul and Tiar. The commonality here is people with high intuition and empathy.

For this time I need to be all alone. In my everything. Take all the responsibility in me.

[Manusia]

Welcome to Spiral Dynamic stage Orange!

The stage that I subconsciously demonized. Not learn anything so much. 

Whats up :

- Physical apperance

I now make myself more tidy, use wardobe that looked nice. Usually I use anything that suit my taste, but oftentimes is not really attractive and have clumsy look lol. My PR friend talk to me as be is highly orange human being. "People look in your apperance first. If you look trustworthy people want to connect with you more. Use perfume. Dont look so homeless."

Change my tinder photos with my new style. And BAM I got much more liked lol. 

- Social

Do the social game correctly. I learn this from my PR friend thoo.. He is a pioneer in this because his job is to be as social as possible. When I disscuss with him about how social work, how dating work (After I do pickup so harsly direct in front of him and rejected so hard lol). You cannot do any interaction with people so direct. You need to do lesser point interaction first before you confess anything that include your agenda. I mean you cannot so direct saying what you need. Talk something that she interested with, or do poke chat so you register your name in their head first in social matrix. Do direct not work.

I honestly think this is well known fact BUT as my childhood social dont go so well. Yeah this disscussion change me so much. Lifetime changing. 

Then I watch Leo video about How Brand Exploit ...... The dots I connect is I am too needy in most my friend relationship. I want to provide. But maybe my strategy is suck that I looked too needy.

Set boundaries. Aware of how I needy. And do fine without them.

Exploit. Exploit. Exploit.

Do exploitation in people. Learn sucking resource. Be sucker. Consciously.

[Manusia]

Tired.

Tired of my own shit.

Tired of my inautenthicity.

I'm the kind of people that have big tendencies to please others before me.

I tired holding back. Its not serving any good at all.

This is bullshit. My emotional shit. My fears.

I tired to belief. It not hold any shit. Most of it just make more problem.

I have big dissapointment in myself. Towards me, all people that I interact before. The old me mask is still there if some people in the old days talk to me. The old mask is disgust me in some way.

I was so damn dull to put my anger and rage in my shadow. It kills me from inside out.

So.. go out all my shadow. You can touch the light.

Love you my rage. You are a power supply on my authority. You are protector. No need to guilt yourself. You can hurt people if you want.

I have exsistensial crisis this week. I have nothing to really hold. Even my own mind. What? I cant grapple anything. Any framework of mind cannot hold up. Feeling the lost. Feeling the hyper confusion. 

I feel I'm in the place that I afraid to ask more question. It is rumbling all my reality. My mind is lost. 

My self.. please.. you dont need to hold things up. You can feel your intuiton, emotion.. and you know.. its VALID.

You are your own mind validator. Your own framework mind gate is yourself. You can disband crazy framework mind that often drive you crazy. 

Or.. this validator stuff is just make me tired too. Or.. destroy yourself as mind validator. Burn your home and set you free.

Tired.

[Manusia]

Journal Problem

I'm tired of journaling too.. sometimes I learn things without doing too much thinking stuff. The journal itself become my own problem in integrating things. Oftentimes it is just my mental masturbation. It the same thing that I do everyday in my mind. But journal things do a good stuff too.. my mind is to abstract and sometimes have too much bias in things when I do not speak or write it. 

Yeah journal is still good. 

But when I feel its no time for journal. I should follow that voice.