The concept of non-neediness in friendships and dating

[charlie cho]

- an honest rumination about attraction and love-

Diogenes was a mystic who decided to become a beggar after he saw a dog live just as fine with no shelter and little food.  A Diogenes used to threaten Alexander to cut his head off if he wanted to but Alexander could not for some odd reason. It has been said that Alexander was always envious of him and wanted to become him because he was beautiful inwardly and out. It has been my observation that Alexander has seen the real beauty of Diogenes despite his appearance as a needy person. That is why Alexander had told his officers if he were to be born again, he would like to be born again as Diogenes. Diamonds do not exist between the sands; it exists amongst the hardest rocks. Hasn't this been the endless law of our world? The apparently most needy have been the most beautiful and adored? In other words, Diogenes had looked like a beggar, the needy, yet was the most enlightened. The Buddha looked like a beggar, yet he was the real emperor of emperors. Jesus was a beggar, but he was the real savior amongst all prophets.

However, we cannot deny the fact that most people - i would say 98% of the population - had just shunned these extraordinary beings as needy, desperate attention seekers. 

Isn't it a fact that people who try to look non-needy are the most needy?

Do you think in dating and creating friendships, we should still try to look non-needy? I currently don't think so after meeting so many people. I feel if you try to look non-needy, if you try to look tough, you will only expose yourself to be more insecure, more unconfident. Isn't there power in vulnerability and grace? Isn't this the true way to be the diamond in the rough, so to speak. 

I leave you with this quote from Lao Tzu

Quote

"Everybody seems so intelligent but I seem to be the most ignorant of all" 

I write this because recently I got the advice to not show neediness to a girl at all times. I understand, but isn't there a limit? If you constantly try to be non needy? Isn't there a disadvantage? It's a very confusing concept I wish to solve in the coming months. 

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by charlie cho

[Preety_India]

Yes there is a certain hidden power and grace in vulnerability and neediness.

But when neediness goes out of control, it becomes an addiction and sometimes an obsession that becomes very unhealthy and difficult to contain. Others can't thrive around  such a person.

Imagine someone calling you 30 times a day. You can't function normally around such a person. It shows a level of self absorption that becomes very selfish and destructive.

Non neediness can create detachment and sometimes lack of affection that can easily turn into borderline negligence. 

I would say use balance. Don't be so needy that it becomes an inconvenience to the other person. Don't be so non needy that they feel deprived or neglected. A careful balance creates the right chemistry necessary to sustain the flame in the relationship.

I can give the analogy of plants and water. If you water the plant excessively it will get uprooted or the soil will be leeched of nutrients. If you water very little, then the plant stays dry.

Water the plant in moderation as and  when necessary.

Give love and affection in moderation and also ask love and affection in moderation.

This way both parties will happy and the chemistry is maintained.

 

[LastThursday]

On 20/05/2021 at 6:36 AM, charlie cho said:

Do you think in dating and creating friendships, we should still try to look non-needy?

If self sufficiency is the opposite of neediness, then there is no need to fake it. We aim to be completely comfortable in our own skin when we're single, we enjoy being single. This is attractive to any person. When we pair up, we are also completely comfortable, we enjoy being in a relationship. We don't expect our partner to cater to our every need. Instead, whether single or not, we stay open, show vulnerability and grace, and this provides the authentic connection to other people. This openness is also attractive, people recognise that expressing vulnerability takes courage.

[charlie cho]

@LastThursday that vulnerability is hard and often scoffed upon by unperceptive people. But at the same time, if you get hurt for being vulnerable, it means you were not vulnerable in the first place. True vulnerability comes from egolessness, yet people think being vulnerable will hurt them. No, it's usually being the opposite of vulnerable that will hurt them because they have a sense of pride to protect a phantom that never existed. 

[LastThursday]

Even an unperceptive person will recognise the vulnerability at some level. I agree we don't show vulnerability because of neediness on our part, it's not to get a positive reaction from people - that would be manipulation. We get hurt because people are hurtful, not because our expectations were dashed. I can be genuinely open and vulnerable: I go on this forum because I'm lonely; you call me a loser who should get some friends, and I feel hurt. I'm hurt at your unpleasant reaction, not because my ploy for being vulnerable failed (for example).

In fact the worst reaction to expressing vulnerability is indifference, because a connection to the person wasn't made. Again, showing vulnerability is not about forcing a connection, or expecting one, but just a side effect of it.

Edited May 23, 2021 by LastThursday

[charlie cho]

@LastThursday side effect. Yeah