Not getting sex

[Maria Fuentes]

Really embarrassed...but needing support over this. I am a 45-year-old single mother (was married for 11 years to my ex) and I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 8 years and he has not had sex with me for almost 3 years. He says he is not cheating but just does not want to anymore. He admits it's a problem but will not get help or talk about it without getting mad and usually ends up telling me that it is my fault he does not want to be sexual. I am definitely not perfect but i am an attractive woman and keep myself fit and healthy. I have stayed faithful in all of this. I am always working on self-growth and try to bring my best to the relationship but I am tired and feel unvalued and unloved. For the longest time, I have thought it was something I was or was not doing right but wondering how much responsibility he has to work on this and meet my needs both sexually and intimately?? When is enough enough? How long should I have to go without sex?

Edited May 20, 2021 by Maria Fuentes
Changed topic

[Roy]

I don't know how deeply entangled you are emotionally, financially, or logistically. But this sounds like a pretty unhealthy situation to be dragged on for that long. He won't even work on it after 3 years, and also gets frustrated and defensive when you bring it up? You shouldn't have to put up with that, especially if you're doing your part and working on yourself as you say.

If you aren't connecting sexually which is no doubt an important part of a relationship, you're essentially just really good friends.

Not sure if you have thought about leaving him. It's up to you if the relationship is amazing enough in other ways to make up for it, but you shouldn't have to be deprived for so long because of him and what he won't do to remedy things.

3 years might become 5, then 8. So on.

 

[Average Investor]

There is something deeply wrong there for him to not want to have sex for that long. For the guy to want to refrain from having sex shows that he isn't really interested in having the relationship. As I started to lose interest in my ex the sex dropped with it. There is something going on there. 

If he is not willing to work on it or talk it out with you, then there is really no point in being in that relationship. I don't know where you stand with him, but just based on the information you shared I would recommend leaving. You will have to really consider what would be best for you though. 

Consider the fact that you have already given him 3 years to work on this as well. If this even gets resolved you could be stuck with other major issues for decades if you keep in it. You're basically still in this because of the sunk cost fallacy. 

[Strangeloop]

I don't know, maybe you're being a bit dramatic. I mean isn't it normal for a man that age to not want sex anymore?

Sex is not the most important thing in life. It's nice to have sex to feel that pleasure but can't you be with the person without having sex? Find other ways to enjoy yourselves instead of demanding the sex that he can not give.

Or just make some stupid harsh decision and find some young dude who will have sex with you.

[intotheblack]

I think if he isn’t willing to talk or make any effort then the relationship has come to an end.  If you are no longer growing together then there is no need for the relationship. It could continue like this for years then that’s more lost time. 
If he would have an honest discussion about it then maybe you could move forward and come to some kind of arrangement of an open relationship or sex therapy, if everything else in the relationship is great and you want to be together. But it doesn’t sound like it since there is little communication and he’s putting blame on you. 

Edited May 20, 2021 by intotheblack

[intotheblack]

8 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

 

I don't know, maybe you're being a bit dramatic. I mean isn't it normal for a man that age to not want sex anymore?

Sex is not the most important thing in life.

 

I’m wondering if you would say the same thing to a man who isn’t getting sex from his wife? But when it’s the man who doesn’t want sex then it’s the woman who is being too dramatic and she should accept it’s not that important? Ridiculous 

[integral]

He might have erectile disfunction problems is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. A possibility. 

[LastThursday]

14 hours ago, Maria Fuentes said:

I am always working on self-growth and try to bring my best to the relationship but I am tired and feel unvalued and unloved.

That's exactly what you need to communicate with your man. He may not be able to explain himself very well, but it will give both of you a chance to be open with each other. You will be in a better position to know what to do afterwards.

I have been in both positions myself in relationships. In one, I had fallen out of love with my girlfriend, and I really should have been honest and up front about that with her, and avoided a lot of pain. In the other, my girlfriend seemed to lose interest in sex after a few years, and then after some time, decided that she didn't want to continue the relationship. 

I'm not saying your relationship will fall apart by talking about how you feel. But being open will improve your mental wellbeing.

[Zeroguy]

Find another man.Find someone younger.You need to catch up.

Problem solved.

 

[Bando]

Communicate to him about it tell him "this is really affecting our relationship and I want you to know how I feel" Make him listen to you and bring up the conversation. Also try to catering and inspect to see if anything could be stressing him out that may have to with it, or plan a date/mini vacation you two could go on spark things up. Make sure you take the initiative in this and not play a passive role

[Zeroguy]

3 years without sex and advice is communicate?! What she has done to him for past time?

Go find younger willing guy.

[Bando]

@Zeroguy You would be surprised some people are in relationships and just let problems sit there growing year by year. It's rare you see a relationship where both partners can articulate how they feel without being a dick to each other. It takes being able to listen to the other person and also share your view without being defensive to communicate properly

She's in an 8 year relationship with this guy and hast been getting sex for 3 years, if she wanted to leave she could have, which means she obviously cares for this guy and wants to make this work. Stop giving terrible advice 

[Zeroguy]

What she actually wants?

Sex

How to get it?

With this guy she can't so she cares or not doesn't matter or she wouldn't be complaining .

[Preety_India]

Leave him.

 

[Preety_India]

If my boyfriend didn't have sex with me, I would be done.

 

[Hardkill]

Yeah I agree with what  @Zeroguy @Preety_India @Average Investor @intotheblack have said. It really sounds like you've been in a really unhappy relationship for too long. Also, not only does he sounds abusive by always putting the blame on you, but also it sounds like he's not willing to put in any serious effort on his own end in figuring out what he can do better to help improve your sex life and relationship with you. I know how emotionally difficult it will be to let go of him, but I really think this relationship is already essentially over.

[Preety_India]

@Hardkill don't put zeroguy and me together. keep some distance.

 

[Zeroguy]

37 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Hardkill don't put zeroguy and me together. keep some distance.

 

Find drama on some other place. 

Put me and @Hulia that works.

3 guys without sex, relationship? Really, what? 

Find that younger guy nd you will forget "one you care" very fast. Don't force me to be explicit or fully blunt. 

Edited May 20, 2021 by Zeroguy

[Preety_India]

@Zeroguy maybe take your own advice instead of causing drama.

 

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

16 minutes ago, Zeroguy said:

3 guys without sex, relationship? Really, what? 

What the hell are you even talking about?

Did you just invent your own bullshit?

Your insecurity shows.

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by Preety_India