My voice from the grave speaks to me

[Preety_India]

Once again my dreams take me to a distant land.

 

[Preety_India]

In my deepest emotional moments, I have felt as though my soul has left my body. It has felt surreal.

Like I existed in another time long long ago and my spirit roamed this free space between humans and the world. 

My spirit was searching for something.

Maybe a lost lover ....

Or maybe my lost self.

 

[Preety_India]

I said to myself everything will be alright.

[Preety_India]

And I knew somewhere I had lost myself.

I had no direction. No goal. 

I was floating aimlessly.

I knew that I was looking for something.

But what was it?

Was it love or was it peace ?

 

[Preety_India]

My past life spirit had a strong dislike for people and society. I thought they had wronged me 

 

[Preety_India]

This comment from a forum user called Ryan really touched me.

It describes what my spirit feels about me.

I've seen you around the forum commenting and conversing on many threads and in my anecdotal observation people do give you a disproportionately more difficult time than most. Because of this and the mature positive way you often handle criticism with some grace I thought I found you likeable. 

Before posting here I wanted to have more surety and integrity in my assertion than only my first impressions of your admirable character. Because you are an open book I have read and contemplated some of your journal entries in an attempt to understand you better.

You are an impressively brave and strong woman who has faced, overcome, and is healing from much adversity in life. I commend you on your fearless transparency, self-honesty, and dedication to healing and Self-actualization. You are a brilliant, articulate, and creative writer as well, but it was your couple of voice recordings that hit me the hardest. I am an empath when I choose to be and I could deeply feel both the pain and the hope in your voice. 

Thank you for all your sharing and contributions to the forum. I'm sure many different people can resonate with many different aspects of all you say. I know I can and I learned a few things from you also. To the extent that one may from mostly a bunch of text from a person they will never meet  face-to-face, I can confidently say I like you and you are authenticly likable. If people in your life, or with a chance to be in your life, don't like you it's their loss.

 

[Preety_India]

In this life as in the lives before, I felt disliked, rejected, disowned, abandoned, unappreciated. I tried rebelling against general society as usual. I was a rebellious person.

I really have to thank zeroguy because without him I wouldn't have felt strong..

I cannot mention his name. Because I don't wish to disturb him. But he did touch me in some ways..

I always remember people who touch me..

[Preety_India]

Today I experienced minor chest pain.

This usually happens when I'm emotional.

 

[Preety_India]

Yesterday and today I have been in a vulnerable state.

I have tried to soothe myself. But my emotions got the better of me.

 

[Preety_India]

Submitting myself to the angel of death.

 

 

[Preety_India]

This feels like a release.

 

[Preety_India]

I'll call this angel whitehead.

 

[Preety_India]

Yes the image of whitehead relaxes me.

It was this image that helped.

 

[Preety_India]

Knowing that I'm in this ethereal stream. Sitting in a cemetery. Pondering on my past life..and what has become of me.

I'm thinking about love and a lot other things.

I am wandering between these grave stones. Like an image in white. 

I have no name, shape,form or identity only a faint image of who I am or who I was. 

And suddenly I see the angel of death in front of me.

I am feeling drawn in.

I submit to Whitehead.

He is an image in black,ironic given his name. He is the Grim Reaper

He appears when you make the final crossover. 

But I'm not alone because he is with me. Now in death more than in life, he makes much more sense.

His connection with me is this ethereal spirit bond. This feels better than actual human bonding. Like Whitehead understands what my spirit must have wanted. He carefully places my head in his lap and caresses my face, his hands cold to touch, his voice echoes through my ears. 

In death he is my soulmate if not in life.

 

[Preety_India]

Now Whitehead tells me exactly as it is, the difference between life and death..

[Preety_India]

Among the list of soulmates that I talked about including Vxs, Moonwolf, Wrett, Porco, Xyme, Zaiden, Derek, I have decided to add Whitehead to the list but this is the only soulmate in spirit form.

The Guardian angel of death who understands my spirit like no other.

 

[Preety_India]

Whitehead tells me how to stay away from enemies and toxicity and anything that is harmful.

Whitehead tells me how to stay away from anything that is hurtful and unsupportive. 

 

[Preety_India]

Like a spirit I wandered in the graveyard lonely and unfulfilled. In pain and sadness.

Until the guardian angel of death came to me and had mercy on my soul.

He gave him refuge, a place to stay in his death cave. He fed and clothed me. 

He gave me water to drink.

He watched me as I cried and wept..in solitude my heart had turned to despair, hopeless and suffering, alone and helpless. Caught and trapped. Is how I felt all my life.. Whitehead understood me. He is powerful because he is the angel of death. He told me no harm will ever come to me because I'm in spirit form right now. 

He understands that I was rejected, abandoned, failed, unprotected, wronged. He knows that my family left me  to die alone, that all my life I never felt accepted or respected or valued or appreciated.

He told me that life is unfair but death brings perfect peace.

He tells me that I'm in peace right now, in his arms there is complete peace.

 

I'm surprised and shocked.

How could I have not known this that Death is a liberator..That death is the solution to every problem in life, to every suffering.

That death was the answer to all of my restlessness all along.

Now it's a new birth. A new beginning because all the restlessness has ended, hasn't it?

Me and Whitehead laugh together in the wilderness. Because I'm away from the childish sick games of the world, freed from torment, wild and carefee, as I always wanted to be.

Whitehead brings out the innocent child in me.

He shows me what a mockery life is.

What a joke the world is ..

In him I find ultimate peace and liberation from my restlessness.

He can finally put me to sleep.

 

[Preety_India]

Whitehead sings me melodies.

Who knew that Death was going to be my liberator ?

Now I understand why I was so attracted to all the bad stuff and abuse and evil.

In my heart I desperately wanted to die in a bid to release myself from suffering.

That's why my heart wanted all the self destructive things

 

They  were all meant to crystallize into the angel of death.

The road was always there. The signs were always there. I just couldn't see far off in the distance, that is all. I only chose to look at the signboards next to me and forgot where the road led in the straight way ahead. I looked at things that were ultimately going to point me towards the Angel of Death.

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Now that I'm dead, I'm finally free.

Free of being attached to this fucker called life.

Free of attachment.

Full in acceptance.

Now that I'm dead, I see life as a joke