Sleeping with non-single people and laycount

[Valach]

Hi guys,

I am now thinking about one thing and would love to hear an opinion from other people. I am dating a girl currently and she has been quite open about her past sexual experiences, which I was fine with although at  I started to judge her for higher number of people she slept with which is at around 30. I personnally have slept with 7 girls in my life and it bothers me a bit. I think the reason for this is also some resentfulness towards older myself where I wanted to get sex but didn't know how so now I hold it against the girl. I obviously don't tell it to the girl but it still quite triggers me when she talks about guys she fucked and I tend to loose attraction for her even. Have any of you ever have these feelings? How did you overcome them? I feel like I am much better now at seducing girls but I still have this resentment.

 

Second part of my question is about sleeping with people who have boyfriend/girlfriend. I personally never did it ( at least knowignly). But the girl I am seeing told me that she used to sleep with some guys who had girlfriends and even wife ( and kids)... I kinda have an issue with this since it goes against my values. She told me it was "not her problem" and in a way she is right since in my experience those people would find somebody to cheat with anyway. Funnily enough, she has major trust issues and feels like most guy (including me) cheat - I think its partly in her subconscious because she enabled the cheating in the past. I just want to ask people on this forum what is your approach towards this? Would you be fine with sleeping with someone you knew has a boyfriend/girlfriend?

 

In a way I could say I am being ethical by not doing it but then again I am sure I do plenty of things in my realtionships that are not cool anyway, like lying, manipulating etc...

Also one could say that doing this is in her case maybe a part of just being younger and wild ( she is 22 now..)

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by Valach
adding new information

[Valach]

Btw. How do I found out if I am against sleeping with girls with boyfriends because it's part of my value system or because I want to feel superior to others?

[kinesin]

@Valach  If you're here posting on a forum such as this, that indicates to me that you're deeply interested in becoming a more aware, moral person.  If you're going to be in a relationship with somebody, they'll have to be on that wavelength with you.  It sounds to me that the girl you're describing has a lot of trauma, chaos and biases which she seems to have no desire to overcome.  If you truly want to move beyond these behaviours, you can't be involved in them.

Take physical attraction and trauma-bonding out of the picture and you'll find that where it counts, you have very little in common with her and the relationship is doomed to fail.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

42 minutes ago, Valach said:

I am dating a girl currently and she has been quite open about her past sexual experiences, which I was fine with although at  I started to judge her for higher number of people she slept with which is at around 30. I personnally have slept with 7 girls in my life and it bothers me a bit. I think the reason for this is also some resentfulness towards older myself where I wanted to get sex but didn't know how so now I hold it against the girl. I obviously don't tell it to the girl but it still quite triggers me when she talks about guys she fucked and I tend to loose attraction for her even.

You do a great job at objectively and honestly analyzing your life situations. Here, you might just tell her to keep those details to herself if they bother you so much.

 

47 minutes ago, Valach said:

Have any of you ever have these feelings? How did you overcome them?

Stay mindful. Wounds heal slow.

 

49 minutes ago, Valach said:

Would you be fine with sleeping with someone you knew has a boyfriend/girlfriend?

I personally wouldn't.

[intotheblack]

53 minutes ago, Valach said:

But the girl I am seeing told me that she used to sleep with some guys who had girlfriends and even wife ( and kids)... I kinda have an issue with this since it goes against my values. She told me it was "not her problem" and in a way she is right since in my experience those people would find somebody to cheat with anyway. Funnily enough, she has major trust issues and feels like most guy (including me) cheat - I think its partly in her subconscious because she enabled the cheating in the past. I just want to ask people on this forum what is your approach towards this? Would you be fine with sleeping with someone you knew has a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Toxic toxic toxic, avoid avoid avoid! 

[RickyFitts]

On the question of whether it's right to sleep with someone who's in a relationship with someone else, I think this is where it's helpful to put yourself in that person's shoes - how would you feel if you found out your partner had been sleeping with someone else behind your back? I imagine most of us would be in bits.

And her saying 'It's not my problem'? Not being funny, but that is an appalling attitude to have - this girl sounds seriously messed up.

[Harlen Kelly]

@Valach Always multiply the number she tells you by at least 1.5 if you want to know the real laycount, not that the laycount is a problem, just keep that in mind. 

This girl will FOR SURE AND 100 PERCENT CERTAINTY play with you. She will eventually dump you. Don't try to turn this type of women into relationship material. You can have fun with her, just don't get emotionally attached. 

[universe]

Don't ask and talk about past lovers with your partner, unless you really want to know.

You can overcome your insecurities by mastering your Emotions. Try the Sedona Method.

#2 It's true, when you are having a one night stand with someone, their fidelity is not your responsibility. They simply aren't loyal in their relationships. Neither before nor after you had sex. Now, going out of your way to have sex with people in commited relationships that would show you that you have some emotional mastery work to do.

Ask yourself, what is your value system?

[Roy]

Knowingly sleeping with someone who is already in a relationship is essentially just as bad as the person cheating themselves. It takes two to tango and it's enabling it. So yea definitely not admirable behavior on her part, and probably indicates she wouldn't have much remorse or rationalizations about cheating herself.

How you get over her past and your feelings about it though? Well if it makes you uncomfortable ask her to no longer bring it up, or shut the conversation down if it happens on accident. Also practice acceptance of the present moment. Her past, and everyone else's is what it is and cannot be changed. It's wasted emotion and energy to stew on it and judge too harshly. You get over it by focusing on your relationship RIGHT NOW and making it healthy and enjoyable.

Personally I have very sharp principles and wouldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone who admits to that. Perhaps if it was a really long time ago and a single mistake they've clearly learned from. Generally though I cess this stuff out pretty well early on and even if the topic isn't brought up explicitly I can read people and their values.

Also you would probably know if someone is in a relationship, like if they are insistent about not going to their place, or other things to pick up on.

If you find out they are whether you have slept with your or not you cut it off immediately.

Cheating or getting together with someone who wants to cheat are both awful, low consciousness, selfish things to do.

[Danioover9000]

   The classic recipe for a bad relationship is when it starts triangulating, between two lovers and the one doing the affair. It mostly ends very badly for those in the affair. Axe as soon as possible. At least the only thing hurt is feelings.

   Also good example to always screen for these stuff.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Danioover9000