Suggestions with trauma with lack of social life?

[Yorch]

Hello! This is my first time posting so I hope I am doing everything right. 

I wanted to share some of my experience and ask for recomendations or insights that anyone can give, they will be very much appreciated!

As the title says, after some self-inquiry I found that a big impediment for me in my self actualization and moving up the stages in spiral dynamics for example is the fact that my social life has always been a mess and I have always had difficulty establishing meaningful relationships with people.

I think this has it's roots since my childhood, first of all I was raised as a single kid, so I never experienced hanging out with brothers or sisters, also I sometimes stutter, this was inherited from my dad which also stutters, when I was a kid other people made fun of me because of my stuttering and I believe that this made me seek out less social interactions in general for fear of being made fun of.

I had some friends in primary school and in secondary school. Actually, I have a very good friend from secondary school which I have a meaningful relationship with and we frecuently hang out just the both of us, I think he is one of the few people which I have established a meaningful relationship so to speak.

When I entered High School, I was in a group of friends that I hanged out sometimes, but I think I never got around to establish a deep connection with them, as we hang out a few times a year only, but I can't say that I have made a deep connection with any particular friend of that group. Also, in high school I did make a pretty good friend that I consider one of my best friends, we had a really deep connection, but now he is in another city in another country so we haven't been able to communicate as much. 

In university I had some group of friends for a little while but then something happened, maybe I went through a small depression while in university and then people didn't want to hang out with me at all, most of the last 3 semesters were spent in my room, working or playing videogames, and hanging out with my girlfriend, which I am grateful for because I have a really deep connection with her, and we love each other very much.

Then covid hit and I finished university, I have been living in my parents home over a year now, I have a sucessful carreer as a junior Software Developer, I have been working remotely and I have been working out and losing weight. But my trauma still persists and I sometimes experience physical pain when I think about it.

 

So enough of the rambling, here I list some of the causes that I think contributed to this situation:

• Lack of social confidence due to fear of being made fun of.
• Maybe not being social enough?
• Maybe not being a good friend?
• Talking about personal stuff too early in the friendship?
• Maybe I am too boring to hang out with? Or there is some personal defect that lures people away from me?

 

Here are some things that I have been trying to do to improve the situation:

• As I do with most things, I study them, so I have recently started a course on charisma and how to be more charismatic.
• I have been trying to be more friendly to people in the gym.
• I try to proactively seek out friends and ask them to hang out or try to talk to them via text.

 

I wanted to write this because I was wondering if anyone had any tips or suggestions with dealing with this "problem" of mine, I have been trying to cure or fix it myself but it still pains me to this day the lack in my social life.

Thanks to everyone

[Zion]

The way I've dealt with this myself is taking action with awareness. If you notice yourself struggling with something that you want to be better at in life, contemplate & ask yourself why you're not social. Notice the immediate reasons & possible excuses that come up. Do this questioning in a spiral, all the way down to the core reason you think you're struggling. Now ask yourself, "how do I feel about this reason? Why do I feel that way about this reason? What can I do to feel ___ about this reason? Why do I want to/not-want-to change this feeling? ", ect. 

Once you have that, do your research & find out what things help best to remedy that reason. A potential question to ask is "What would the person who is where I wanna be, be doing to remedy this situation?". 

 

[kag101]

Hey!

I think that many of us here face this problem. Fortunately, it seems like your case is not super severe. Have you ever done psychotherapy?

 

I think it's valid to consciously work on that by exposing yourself to social situations.

Human bonding is not a luxury, it's a necessity. We all need it. I think that if you keep seeking, you will eventually find people who you naturally resonate with, then you'll be friends.

How did you meet your girlfriend? How was the process of you meeting her, to getting intimate, and then having a relationship with her?

 

Welcome on-board

Edited May 18, 2021 by kag101

[Yorch]

Thanks to both @Zion and @kag101!!

Self inquiry and self reflection is a great tool that I will be using more frequently now.

I met my girlfriend in my university, we were attending some of the same clases in 2nd semester, I learned her name when the professor was taking attendance of all the students in the class, so I talked to her for a bit, asked for her number and went to some dates to study or to hang-out, untill I knew the attraction was mutual, and that is where I asked her to be my girlfriend, we've been together for 4 years.

The great thing with her is that everything flowed naturally, in comparison with my experience other girls that led to nowhere, were I was struggling to build rapport or attraction.

[Innawe]

You don't necessarily need friends to recognize yourself with people, be an absolute thinker to recognize some freedom first. This means, don't confine yourself in the space you already know. Building meaningful and vivid relationships can definitely be something easy to fall back on, I don't live the most active "friendly" relationships myself at the moment. 

[Podie45]

I'm dealing with a similar situation, except I do not care about the lack of social life. It's more like a subconscious torture and I'm not realizing how much better life could be. Honestly the only few friends I have made in a while were people that shared my interests, 

Like say you like really like fishing, hang out at your local fishing spots and people might ask you stuff like:

''Have you caught anything yet?''

''Can I borrow one of your worms?''

''It's a beautiful day for fishing today, isn't it?''

From there, start a conversation and turn it into something deeper. At least that's what I'd do if I had social skills 

 

Quote

''A man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push.