Ego is in war with my shadow or self! Civil War within

[Egolord]

My Ego surrender after fully exhausted its potential.  I was free to only  find  the empty of my self where I can describe  only as child that was abandoned inten by his mother where the child can't full comprehend that. The child took revenge and killed his mother and his narssisstic father emotional killed them then the child was finally in peace and safe. I let the child free while he knows that I am the guard of his gate.  Thats when I finally saw my shadow which appeared very late where ultimately demanded justice and revenge but since my ego already dead or near dead. The toll felt towards the self. Self destruction  was not my goal or choice but was out of pure survival. Now I seem more lost than ever.  Where I feel I went through civil war within and unfortunately the damages too much to accept. I think my civil war almost over but I can't see the alignment in me. I can't see my individual gain rather loss with weak ego weak shadow weak self and peace eventually achieved but torn up country

Edited May 17, 2021 by Egolord
I don't mind the financial loss which around 150k but I just want get my life back and take control over again