I cannot get into a relationship because of social anxiety

[Podie45]

Of course, there are physical traits that I have that are not appealing to women (which makes it worse).

But in general, I'd say I could probably find someone if it weren't for the social anxiety. And maybe my personality which only a handful of people in general appreciate (I will not and cannot pretend that I am not interested in enlightenment or some other interests only / and that I care about Supreme, rap music, smoking weed everyday, drinking etc. / only to get sex and a relationship I'm not happy with).

The issue is, the words ''social'', ''public'' and such all make me cringe. It is hard wired deep inside of me that I want nothing to do with being social. I have tried countless times to push myself out of my comfort zone and it is not working out (there's always someone that ruins my progress anyway). I hate having to force myself to become something I'm not, and then on the other hand the torture of being alone (friendships & relationship wise) kills me.

It's a tough spot that I've accepted. I feel like, and ''know'' I'm gonna die alone. No amount of medication, drugs or whatever is strong enough to kill the social anxiety. And no, alcohol does not work in this regard. 

The only instance where I can be talking to people IRL (and I mean in general, of course I know I have to force myself really hard when it comes to coworkers or something money/family related) is if they talk to me first. Then it is much easier. This is how I made 99% percent of the friends I have ever had.

I have no clue how, one day, this issue could be fixed. Of course it comes from the ego and its fear of what they think of it / victim mode. I was raised that way, unfortunately.

Does anyone have any suggestion? At this point I ran out of idea on how to beat this. Therapy does not work. Drugs didn't make a difference. Exposure doesn't work out. 

Is enlightenment the only way or am I fooling myself once again?

Edited May 15, 2021 by Podie45

[Snuitje]

2 hours ago, Podie45 said:

(I will not and cannot pretend that I am not interested in enlightenment or some other interests only / and that I care about Supreme, rap music, smoking weed everyday, drinking etc. / only to get sex and a relationship I'm not happy with).

This is your strenght. It shows you are an intelligent man. How many people are doing this stuff? Relatively few on the world. This makes you stand out from the crowd of all the drinkers, smokers, simpletons etc.

2 hours ago, Podie45 said:

The issue is, the words ''social'', ''public'' and such all make me cringe. It is hard wired deep inside of me that I want nothing to do with being social. I have tried countless times to push myself out of my comfort zone and it is not working out (there's always someone that ruins my progress anyway). I hate having to force myself to become something I'm not, and then on the other hand the torture of being alone (friendships & relationship wise) kills me.

Can you explain further?

Can you walk down a random street and just say hi to everyone you come across? (not caring whether or not they say hi back) Chances are basically 0% that you will meet these people again.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Snuitje

[mandyjw]

Start a youtube channel talking about something you love. Doesn't matter if you don't post the first videos, make them for yourself. Doesn't matter if you post the videos and don't have any subscribers. Do it for you. There's a kind of confidence or "in the flow with words" kinda thing that just happens when we talk about something we love, and the magic is that it translates and opens us up with other subjects and situations. It becomes easier and easier to get in that flow state of speaking because you practice it.

Social anxiety is really a fear of the unknown. You don't know what people are going to say next. You don't know what you should say next. Because you're trying to figure it all out, you don't actually listen to what people are saying and don't actually know what to say next, so it's a fear that creates itself. It's hard to jump into this and break a strong cycle. That's why learning to speak about something you love on your own is such an incredible tool. When you love the conversation, when you're in tune and connected spontaneity (the unknown) IS the magic and no longer the fear. Practicing in front of a camera with a video file you can delete is the best cheat there is for this in my opinion. 

When it comes to girls, attraction and flirting is really all about this ease and flow state, so while it might seem like it's a divergence from your goal, it's not. 

[Podie45]

@mandyjw Good idea, i had been thinking about making videos that come from the heart but i didnt know it could help in that sense.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Podie45

[Podie45]

@Snuitje Well basically when I attempt to get out of my comfort zone theres always somebody that makes me feel like shit for even bothering them ''autistic fuck'', ''what the FUCK do you WANT'', ''ok''.

[Nahm]

@Podie45

It is possible to have a belief about oneself and be aware of it and feeling it... while missing what the word belief means, or, what a belief is. 

Even feeling the resistance of the belief with the desire (for a relationship), it’s still not unheard of to miss what a belief actually is. 

In missing the relationship between the belief and the resistance, it is possible to believe something is wrong with oneself such as having anxiety, or that one is antisocial. It’s common to try many things that don’t work, but make one feel worse, like trying to force oneself out of being comfortable in the present moment, which usually results in bringing up very uncomfortable suppressed emotion, which can often come out as blame, but doesn’t do much for feeling better. It’s also common, in missing that initial belief something is wrong with oneself, to try to be something or someone one is not, this also unfortunately typically results in experiencing blame. 

It’s possible to be feeling the desire to be social and have a relationship, but missing the resistance is from the belief, not from being social or having relationships. That unfortunately usually results in feeling the resistance more intensely and creating another belief... that the intense feeling is because something is wrong with oneself. Believing in the solution tends to reinforce the original belief, that there is a problem as in something being wrong with oneself. 

Again, in not recognizing the belief is a belief, it’s possible to add another belief, that one has to accept the discord, or, suffering. 

When this is experienced to be impossible (because the belief is a belief) the suffering can be so intense that it seems nothing could relieve the belief. One often thinks of everything outside of oneself, and is aware none of them really change this long term, and yet still it is possible for it not to ‘click’, what a belief is. 

This difficult path always leads back to ideas. The intuition knows that is where the relief lies. The world, or, conditioning, teaches the solution to a problem is more, but the intuition knows less, is really more. In learning this way from conditioning, one innocently attempts to apply this theory of adding more to their emotional experience. But the intuition knows and feels that pushing, forcing, and trying to be someone one is not will never bring peace. Only being yourself will do, because a belief is a belief. 

[Snuitje]

10 hours ago, Podie45 said:

@Snuitje Well basically when I attempt to get out of my comfort zone theres always somebody that makes me feel like shit for even bothering them ''autistic fuck'', ''what the FUCK do you WANT'', ''ok''.

This has nothing to do with you but it's a reflection of their own pain. I have to think of this quote: "Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality." - Les Brown

If I would be treated like that I would just smile to the person and walk away, because I'm not taking it personally.

[Javfly33]

@Podie45 Don't you dare trying to use Enlightment to "trascend" your need to heal and actualize your social skills. It will only makes thing worse and waste you time and energy. I did the same mistake.

The only solution is to keep suffering so much that at one point the pain it's so unbearable that you will end up forcing yourself to socialize and be confident no matter how weird, cringe, or difficult it feels. You will do it again and again until you feel you get to place you want to get.

This is actually what happened to Owen (RSD Dynamics) and tbh what is happening with me too.

[Adrian325]

Fuck Fear. Coming from someone who has PTSD and bipolar 2 disorder. Make friends with your inner demons that cause you to fear. Embrace the idea of death and the impermanence of everything. Do that as step one and the rest will unfold naturally. Once you surrender your life,you will glimpse the Truth

[EnlightenmentBlog]

@Podie45 Listen to @Javfly33 . Forget about enlightenment.

I have social anxiety myself. The problem is that we have weak egos. Our primary survival strategy is people-pleasing. We think that in order to succeed we need to act selflessly and try to make everybody happy.

The solution is counter-intuitive. You need to develop a strong ego. How do you do that? By acting selfishly. Yes, to cure yourself of social anxiety you have to become selfish. The only way to become confident around others is to not give a fuck what they think about you. 

On 16.05.2021 г. at 0:47 AM, Podie45 said:

Well basically when I attempt to get out of my comfort zone theres always somebody that makes me feel like shit for even bothering them ''autistic fuck'', ''what the FUCK do you WANT'', ''ok''.

When sb bites you, you need to bite back. I'd reply with "Fuck you, I just try to make new friends, you judgemental prick." or smth along those lines. 

You need to take back all the power you've given to others, even at the cost of completely alienating 90% of people in your life. But then 10% that remain will love you for what you are. 

This strategy might seem anti-spiritual, but it is not. There's nothing more spiritual than saying "Fuck you!" and saying and doing what you want to say and do. All within reasonable limits of course. 

I suggest you look into and try to adopt the following into your life: sarcasm, detachment, being blunt, criticism and arguing(I bet you always let others win), talking back, being stubborn, being a jerk. Yes, these are negative behaviors. But right now you're acting like a saint and the only thing that could bring balance is these negative behaviors. Don't worry, I don't think you could ever go overboard with any one of those.

If you don't understand smth or want me to elaborate, feel free to ask. Or DM me. 

[Javfly33]

@EnlightenmentBlog @Podie45 

? Truth man. I'm happy to see your development.

 

Additionally, remember that all of our life story, the character that we have been playing that has social anxiety, it's an act we have been playing over and over.

We have been identified with that character Because we thought that that character was not a simple acting character who was born out of pure conditioning, genetics and family education, but because we thought that that was US.

When you realize you are not the character you can start letting go certain behaviours such as people pleasing Because you know it's NOT YOU, it was just AN ACT.

Our character developed a certain survival strategy and identity and we have maintining that, but we have realized is not that good survival strategy and also it doesn't make us happy. So we are FREE to choose to act in any way we want. 

We are free and we can build the future we want for us ??

[JonasVE12]

Persuing enlightenment now would be your biggest mistake. You would dissociate from yourself more because authentically, you want to get rid of your social anxiety. But you want to bypass it by transcendance. It never works. Once you come full circle, you will realise the nature of yourself, but you won't have gotten rid of those feelings because they belong to you in the end. You are not above your ego, contrary to what many believe on here. For so many people, enlightenment and self help is a distraction from the supressed emotions they are scared to face. It's like the ultimate avoidance and distraction mechanism. Don't fall for this trap. Be aware what you are doing.
 

Quote

 

"The issue is, the words ''social'', ''public'' and such all make me cringe"

 

Cringe... I get it. Everything is cringy. Life is so cringy. You are so unworthy and embaressed being yourself. You better hide in your basement so no one can see you, right?

How do these 2 words fit you: Shame & apathy

I'll write you some examples of social exercises. 

1. Imagine going to a crowded shopping street, how comfortable would you feel to dance to a street musician when everyone is looking and no one else is dancing? -
2. Saying ‘Hi’ to different people you cross walking down the street and smile.
3. Asking strangers randomly what their favorite color is.
4. Giving strangers a compliment about their clothes.
5. Singing out loud when you walk down a crowded street.
6. Standing still in a crowded place with your arms opened horizontally with a weird facial expression.
7. Walking in slow motion in a crowded place & people noticing you are weird.
8. Smiling & staring beautiful women in the eyes when they pass by from 10-20 meters before they pass and saying ‘hi’.
9. Screaming very loudly in a crowded area and everyone looks at you. Small talk with cashiers about the weather

Can you imagine doing them? How 'cringy' would you feel? Go outside and imagine doing them. Get face-to-face with the tension and cringe that it will provoke and generate inside your consciousness the intention to do the exercise. Feel into the intention, BUT don't do the exercise. Notice how cringe it feels if you would do it. Write for every exercise down a number between 1-10. 

Getting rid of social anxiety is a proces of slowly, but surely releasing shame, facing tension & welcoming feelings of courage & acceptance. Your supressed emotions will need to release and then you'll shift energetically in your core. The result is social freedom & confidence. The work is about facing TENSION and relaxing into that and allowing yourself to feel vulnerable. The KEY is to face low levels of tension and slowly expanding your ability to handle different kinds of tension over time. Don't think of relationships or women yet. You have a much bigger problem. Attracting women demands you to be a masculine grounded man who is amazing with handling and playing with tension. But if you can't say hi to strangers, because you are too embaressed being seen, you will need a much more nuanced approach. 

All social situations evoke some degree of tension. For example, if someone is pointing a gun at you and screaming at you, that would evoke a high level of tension that would unground most people. Nervous & ungrounded energy manifests. You are in your head, stiffled, don't know what to do, shaking, have lost all connection with your body. You can't even remember how to take your wallet out of your pocket because you are so nervously shaking because you fear for your life. If that would happen to a navy seal who had undergone extensive training and combat, he would be grounded in that tension, stay relaxed and act accordingly. Because he got used to that sort of tension and he is confident in his ability to face that sort of tension.

The tension threshold for socially anxious and shameful people is very low. Even saying 'hello', talking on the phone or looking people in the eyes can unground them. 

So what you have to do is find the lowest levels of tension that unground you and that you avoid, and start releasing your resistance to confront that. Step into it slowly, and relax your body. 

If you are nervous looking people in the eye, practice looking just 1 second. Do that 100 times. Get to 2 seconds, 5 seconds, and then when people pass, just stare the whole time. You'll grow small % each time and release bits of shame. You will open up, connect to your heart and suddenly you will have these very big shifts in your flow of energy throughout your body. When you are able to relax into the tension that gets evoked when staring people when they pass by, become grounded, then you will notice the fun in it. You can even start to notice their emotions. Some people will find it intruding and look away. But then, you can combine it with a smile while being connected to your body & still grounded. Connect to your heart and feel your openness & joy for smiling. Wopla, another sudden energetic release. And then start saying 'Hi!' and smile. 

Then progress to next levels of tension. Small social exercises. Standing still in the middle of a busy street like a statue. Relax, feel like a calm bubble in the middle of the storm. Here you begin. So much more to say, but this post is getting too long. You get the idea. 

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by JonasVE12

[JonasVE12]

And if you are stuck in apathy, even do this;

Start taking cold showers everyday. 

Find people to talk to from the comfort of your home on OMEGLE

It's perfect. Just skip the one's flashing their dicks, but expose yourself. Try to talk to people and have a conversation. Do this for 5 hours everyday. There's even girls on there that are +18 surely in COVID times. Talk to them. Also hot intelligent college girls who study biochemistry. Lol

Make a commitment to wake up and sleep at the same time

Make a commitment to walk outside for an hour everyday

Go skydiving.

Do other scary and tension evoking activities.

Do guided meditations to release apathy and shame. 

Practice body connection meditations

Become aware of the sensations in your body and locate them

Exercise regularly. Preferably everyday. 

Clean up your diet.

And so much more shit man, you got this, but you have to release your apathy first otherwise you will be chasing stuff for the rest of your life as an escape. 

Social fear limits every part of your life. Dude, get to work and believe in yourself consciously right now that you can do it. 

Who would you be if you can go on the street and approach anyone, feel confident, powerful and alive. 
 

 

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, JonasVE12 said:

Persuing enlightenment now would be your biggest mistake. You would dissociate from yourself more because authentically, you want to get rid of your social anxiety. But you want to bypass it by transcendance. It never works. Once you come full circle, you will realise the nature of yourself, but you won't have gotten rid of those feelings because they belong to you in the end. You are not above your ego, contrary to what many believe on here. For so many people, enlightenment and self help is a distraction from the supressed emotions they are scared to face. It's like the ultimate avoidance and distraction mechanism. Don't fall for this trap. Be aware what you are doing.
 

 

Man you keep reading my mind haha. Too neat What you said there. If only had known that i would have saved 2 or 3 years. 

But at the other Hand now i have a solid ground of spirituality at a Young age so thats always nice.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

@Javfly33 Amen

@JonasVE12 Couldn't have said it better.