My Background - Having to Heal

[One Day]

Hello Forum,

I am in a very difficult time in my life right now. First I will lay out my background.

I am a 22 y old white male from europe.

I come from a loving middle class family where money was no major issue. Did not get brand clothes but 1-2 vacations a year, did get nintendo for my birthday etc. So you get the idea.

By age 8 I had my first real traumas in the form of severe rejection and bullying by girls, and also verbal and physical bullying by guys. But I was blessed by always having loyal friends who stood up for me.

In my country there are different levels of high school depending on a test you take in elementary school (there is no middle school) which basically measures your IQ. I went to a school where you had the two highest levels (there are 4 levels or so), and I was in the highest level part.

In high school, In the second year I was also bullied by "friends", with whom I started smoking weed with. I have been an addict ever since.

I was also rejected by girls however not bullied by them. I was actually considered one of the "cool kids" as time grew on. Many of my friends were very popular with girls and the hotter girls of my year were actually friendly with me. This reframed for me that girls were not just hateful beings but were actually just like me, even though I still had extreme fear of rejection and anxiety around them and was always thinking that they hated me.

During my time in highschool I also became a survivor of sexual abuse. I will not go into detail besides from the fact that it was not in any way related to a family member and the fact that it was not rape. It was extremely traumatizing and life changing.

Around when I was 18 starting my last year of highschool, already years later after that incident I was so fed up with being a virgin that I decided to visit a prostitute. I couldn't get fully hard and even though I fucked her a bit it was really schocking for me that I could not get a boner and that I felt so much fear and anxiety throughout the entire ordeal. Distraught I went home.

I should add that I am a porn addict sice 15 although at the time I thought it was normal.

I did finish highschool, and it has been 3 years as of writing this since i got my diploma. Like I told you it was the highest level high school so I can go to university. I have applied a couple of times but always quit instantly because of social fear, and hating the idea of college and getting a middle class job. I am afraid that will not work for me like it worked for my parents and that I will end up completely alone without a wife or gf. 

Plus I don't even want to work a job, my passion is music and I want to get rich off that. I have been following Leo's content and have been inspired by him to follow my dreams and create a self actualized life.

And I am afraid that in college the whole sexuality thing will just get worse. Even if a girl would like me i would be so afraid of not getting hard that I would just avoid her or make some excuse, such a situation has already happened.

I keep failing nofap and i keep failing with quitting weed. Both are severe addictions.

Recently one of my very best friends wrongly accused me of stealing money from his home belonging to his mother. This came so out of the blue and was extremely devastating, of course i cut him off instantly. He also has extreme issues, including weed addiction but also alcoholism. The whole situation is just fucked up.

This was a very short background of me. Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 15, 2021 by One Day
Errors

[Nahm]

@One Day

Making a dreamboard puts everything you want, that feels good to you, in front of you. Slowly but surely, identifying via a past dissipates as inspiration fills you via aligning thought with feeling (no longer expecting to think the same yet feel good). 

[One Day]

@Nahm Thanks for your advice. By the way the above post makes my life sound quite grim, and it has been at times, but there is also a lot of love, joy and inspiration that I am happy and grateful to have lived through. I Love life and that I is why I just have to move past all the bullshit from my past.

[Nahm]

@One Day

So much love, joy & inspiration indeed! 

“Moving past the bullshit from my past”... is the belief there is a past... and that is how you’re keeping the discord active. There’s no past, nothing to move beyond. The truth is that good. If you keep saying there is though, that isn’t letting it go, that’s “the problem”. There is no problem, there is just saying there is a problem. (Saying the problem is that there is a past, and that you have to move past it). This is what’s pointed to with “the separate self” being illusory and the root of suffering. It’s as simple as telling the story about you and your life, that you actually want. That will then be what you experience. This is always true. Notice it’s true right now and always has been. You are telling the story of having to move past a past... and your experience is that of focusing on trying to move past a past. 

If you can laugh about this, you’re very wise.