Though week. Weird vibe. New me. Aloneness. All change.

[Manusia]

There is lot going on in my life this week. The emotional rollercoaster hit my mind again and again. I think it will stop after I break up with my Gf.. but sadly no. There is other external stuff that need to be change because I see myself changing.. being really different person.

Now Im..

More independent, can think for oneself (the die of conformity blue culture), more grounded, find inner guidance, increased intuition, I sense higher emotional intellegence too in myself, more control to my own mind (I see and own my mind in creating the matrix, when I take full responsibility and ownership in my mind I have more control naturally. The effect is HUGE btw), becoming INTP as I'm INTJ before, more openminded, reaching yellow thinking more often without psychedelic, have more courage, have more worth, finding true value, ability to sense if there is something wrong (expect to the inner error, still learn it though), healing lot of painful neurotic trauma, more detached in dating, and maybe there is more but overall is like transformation going on me. 

Still there is a lot of homework.. Internal work and external work. Im seriously tired. Man.. 

This week lot of things surface up and its really hard to deal with because I have lot of loss too.. 

I loss my 4 years GF... the only one that hear me with intellegence and non judging manner. The one who grounded me. The one who teach me and heal me. I think its OK before.. but times come by and I really need someone to talk deeply. I need someone to rely on my emotion. Sometimes I just need to rest with someone who understand me.. but, right now.. there is no one. Just me and my ego mind. I try to put my words on twitter but it didnt really work. I need bigger tree to rest in the shade. 

I know this is sound really needy as fuck. But I dont care. This is my emotion and my confused mind that say it. Its valid. 

I try Tinder but I just found bunch of unconscious girl that just make my head tired. In my country, spiral dynamic stage green is still very rare to find. I couldn't find a safe space for my emotional sensitivity. Most people in my area cannot listen. They judge harshly.

At least at this forum I can share my thought.. and this forum is the only safe space for me right now. Im so grateful for that. 

Now I have decide to be happy with my ownself without rely to anyone else. This is really though way to live but. I think there is no other alternative right now. I want to become independet self.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Manusia