Arguing With People/people Pleasing

[T110E3]

Hey everyone I hope you are all having a wonderful day.

This is a problem that I struggle too much with and that is pleasing other people and not trying to argue.

As a child I got used to not arguing with people,being a goodie goodie,and always trying to say yes to others.Now, I realize this can be good at times,not always wanting something in return from others,but it's came to the point where I neglect myself for other people.

For some reason I find it very hard to say no,I guess because "it hurts my personal image" and because they won't respect me as much anymore.

And the other part of my problem is arguing with people,and by that I don't mean going into full on mad mode,barely stopping yourself from fighting with them,but the other type where you are calm and relaxed and try to take the insights of the other person while still trying to make your valid.

And to be honest,I am sort of sick of constantly "keeping my head" down and just letting myself continue like this.

If any of you have faced or are facing this problem, any sort of tips are very welcome and are appreciated greatly.

Thank you for reading this.

Kind regards.

Edited February 10, 2016 by T110E3

[Mia]

In some situations I think it can be wise to agree and compromise, but in others it may be necessary to tell your opinion. It all depends on the situation. What I think is important is to do it an a calm and friendly way. If you understand that it´s not about fighting, being attacked and counter-attacking it should be easier. Conflicts often happen because of misunderstandings, so a good beginning could be asking questions just to clarify what the other person wants/is really saying. Then maybe saying that you disagree and explaining the reasons can be a next step. Sometimes I just agree if the issue is not very important to me, but in other situations I try to find the right words to express my disagreement, if I feel for example that the other person is behaving disrespectfully toward me. When emotions flare up I know it can be difficult, so I don´t have any solution, but basically I think you can say all you want as long as you don´t do it aggressively and without insulting the other. 

[Flare]

23 minutes ago, T110E3 said:

because they won't respect me as much anymore.

I think that's one of the bigger "mistakes" (harsh word, isn't it?) you do. 

Your "Yes" doesn't have any worth if you can't say no - same goes to your opinions. If you want people approval/respect (which in case you shouldn't go for in the first place, but that another topic) you have to say your opinions, even if they're not common/in line with "the other". You usually don't feel respect for a person, which always say "yes yes yes..." or "no, no, no....". So if you're facing anxiety in this direction it might help to get to the point where you understand that your opinion, as crazy they may sound, add value in any case because you're standing behind them. Not because anyone think's this is right or not. That doesn't mean you should ask yourself: "Am i wrong here?" in general, but I think the idea is clear. With that state of mind you will actually add something to the conversation etc. going on, not only for yourself saying: "look ego I said my opinion give me some chips now".

Second of all (maybe that's more of a second step) you should open up for a conversation. A conversation, whatever topic it's about, is general self-organized. The circumstances you create are what you have the power over. By circumstances I don't mean the temperature or anything, but your general attitude. If you don't allow yourself to engage fully in a conversation - which implies contributing your own opinion/"yes"/"no" - you don't allow it to the other person either. Maybe that's something you'll need some experience for - maybe you need some effort to get experience, but that's (sadly enough) just as it is.

So in general, don't be afraid to open up - you will only add value to yourself and anyones else life.

Best wishes!