Scared little boy

[tatsumaru]

Throughout the years I've noticed that within my consciousness in some way shape or form resides an energy form that feels like a scared little boy. I first felt it when I was a little boy and got dropped at the kindergarten by my mother. For whatever reason I was overwhelmed by that experience, felt incredible sense of sadness and abandonment and it got so bad eventually that my mother had to pull me out of the kindergarten. Unfortunately this thing is still alive in there and when it expresses itself I suddenly lose my peace and become anxious, fearful, extremely insecure and feel this impending sense of abandonment. I guess it sounds a little bit like borderline personality disorder or something. I want to stress the fact that this thing whatever it is, is not benign. It causes me to run away from my long-term goals, to self-sabotage, to act awkwardly around people and to abandon my project and resort to hiding myself from society. It feels overwhelming, and it feels like all my confidence in my ability to figure things out and be a sufficient individual suddenly evaporates and I feel like "I want my mommy". This is literally interfering with me becoming an actual adult. I know it's ridiculous but I have no idea what it is and how to deal with it. Any ideas what this is?

[Nahm]

@tatsumaru

If you’ve been focusing on thoughts & a past defining who you are in an unfavorable way with respect to how you feel... it can take a while for the new momentum, but it feels great as soon as the orientation is changed. I see you and feel you as the opposite of what you describe, and you can’t prove me wrong in anyway, and it wouldn’t feel good to try. 

It takes no more effort, and less energy, to interpret that experience as perfectly normal. Being dropped off at school is a sensitive event for us at that age. Now though, you can understand that mom wasn’t abandoning you at all, and it wasn’t a sad event per se, without the interpretation that it was. 

You may have heard this one or a thousand times, but create dreamboard, and use the emotional scale. Pm me anytime if useful. 

For nipping discordant thoughts in the bud, before they become the trees that have been becoming, meditation, and expression as needed, is completely effective. If I were in your shoes, the orientation would be a steadfast aim at well being, and learning about, feeling / understanding the suffering. What it is, how its created, etc. I would keep a dialogue going in general, a looking into more and more intimate nuanced most-important-to-you aspects.  

Simple improv writing is great for limiting beliefs and ‘stuckness’. 

Streaming writing is great for effortlessly letting go and seeing what’s going on more clearly. 

[mandyjw]

It can be helpful to imagine parts of ourselves or to use metaphors to illustrate a pattern that is going on. Sometimes we forget that this sort of imagery is meant to be healing, and we forget this and believe it to be an actual pathology or an actual separation. This is done with diagnoses as well, they can either be very healing or very limiting depending on your attitude about them, and often it's all too easy to take on the attitude of other's or the person diagnosing us. What's meant to be healing can easily be believed to be a limitation.

I'd suggest journaling about it, using creativity and being really playful about it. If you've ever read the cartoon strip "Calvin and Hobbes" (if you haven't go do it!) you know that it's sort of like a conversation between one mind, but the minds are separate, and the same at once. One voice or character is a ridiculous child full of desires and frustrations and bad judgement and the other is a wise but also playful voice. The interaction between them is hilarious, enlightening, fun. Read the strip get into the spirit of it, and write out your thoughts. Have a conversation with yourself. It IS as ridiculous as it sounds, that's the point, the fun of it.

Sometimes journaling out your inner child and your inner "wiser voice" as if they were separate can show you that really, they are not at all separate. ❤

 

Edited May 15, 2021 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

@tatsumaru

Your post inspired me to add a tool I’ve been meaning to create for sometime. Thank you. If you’re interested in checking it out, here’s a link.. Going Prior. 

[tatsumaru]

34 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@tatsumaru

Your post inspired me to add a tool I’ve been meaning to create for sometime. Thank you. If you’re interested in checking it out, here’s a link.. Going Prior. 

Nahm will this work not for thoughts but for feelings or imagery (aka reliving some past event)?

4 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Sometimes journaling out your inner child and your inner "wiser voice" as if they were separate can show you that really, they are not at all separate. ❤

The thing is that I often don't know what to say about this other than describe what I am feeling the same way I did in the original post. Maybe it is a cry for help or something but I am not sure what the solution is so what do I do with that information? I hate how this feeling makes me feel weak, overwhelmed and on top of everything else I get this feeling like I can suddenly feel the suffering and desperation of the whole world - like everyone is lost and desperate in this purgatory or something. Then when this feeling is gone suddenly nothing seems so bleak anymore.

Edited May 15, 2021 by tatsumaru

[mandyjw]

@tatsumaru That sounds to me like misunderstood empathy, or like you are so overwhelmed by the emotions and thoughts about them themselves that you have lost vision of what they are guiding you toward. "God so loved the world that...." It would be better if the verse stopped before the word "the" or "that". You ARE love, feeling, emotion, what we call empathy is all communication out of love and leading us TO that.

[kag101]

Childhood trauma.

Psychotherapy is the most effective method for dealing with that.