Need Advice On Involuntary Sexual Fantasy

[Joe Zhou]

Hi,

I often have sexual fantasies involuntarily. This caused me feeling nervous towards  women. For example, I wanted to talk to a girl, and in the beginning I really just wanted to talk; but when sexual fantasies step in, it became like this: I wanted to talk to this girl and eventually I can have sex with her. When my motivation became sex, I was constantly afraid of not be able to have sex with her, and I quickly lose all the confidence I had. I gave the power to the woman, so I became powerless, and this psychological pattern just repeats itself.

I once dreamed, if I could have sex whenever I need to with a woman I like, then this fantasy problem will just be gone. But that's not going to work, because if I don't approach to women and talk to them, nothing will happen at first place.

There was a period of time I was addicted to pornography, indulged the sexual fantasy to its highest degree. It made me become even more difficult with women. and even less confident about myself.

There was another period of time I just denied sex, wanted to focus on my career, focus on other aspects of life, but the fantasies are there anyways. I was even more annoyed by the fantasies.

There was another period of time, I told myself just accept that I had sexual thoughts about women and do whatever I needed to do. But I didn't solve the power issue. I was still giving power to women and being inconfident. The only difference was I admitted it,

Finally, I thought about: What if I tell myself  I can be complete without having sex with any woman? Then I felt this sounds dishonest. I didn't want sexual fantasies, but I didn't want to deny sex because of it.

 So I felt I was at a dead end. Can anyone give me a direction to think about this?

Edited November 2, 2016 by Joe Zhou

[Xpansion]

It sounds to me like you're  over thinking the entire thing. You can't block thoughts and the more you try to the more they will force their way into your psyche. All you can do is recognise and accept them but don't identify with them. You don't have to act on them. Just know that they are there and allow them to pass. It's perfectly natural to think sexy thoughts around someone you find attractive. I do it all the time however I don't see it as a problem. Learn to become friends with your mind.

You can always have a wank later 

Edited November 3, 2016 by Xpansion

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

On 11/2/2016 at 10:56 AM, Joe Zhou said:

I often have sexual fantasies involuntarily. This caused me feeling nervous towards  women. For example, I wanted to talk to a girl, and in the beginning I really just wanted to talk; but when sexual fantasies step in, it became like this: I wanted to talk to this girl and eventually I can have sex with her. When my motivation became sex, I was constantly afraid of not be able to have sex with her, and I quickly lose all the confidence I had. I gave the power to the woman, so I became powerless, and this psychological pattern just repeats itself.

Own your sexuality. If you are horny enough to doggystyle a tree-stump 24/7, own it. It's you. It's your desires. There's nothing to be ashamed of no matter what others or society at large tells you. It's not like it'll magically morph your personality.So don't worry about it. Be very clear in your intention as a man. Others will genuinely respect you for it and if they dislike you, then it's also genuine. But who cares? They aren't worth hanging around/befriending. Find someone else. There are literally billions to pick from. It isn't worth the hassle to make someone who doesn't even like the real you like a thin veneer of personality you establish.

So if they reject you... don't worry about it. They literally did you a favor by not including themselves in your life.

On 11/2/2016 at 10:56 AM, Joe Zhou said:

The only difference was I admitted it,

Here's the some good news, that admitting it is a big help. It's nice to have a problem that you don't need to dreg up out of the depths of your mind with shadow work.

On 11/2/2016 at 10:56 AM, Joe Zhou said:

Finally, I thought about: What if I tell myself  I can be complete without having sex with any woman? Then I felt this sounds dishonest. I didn't want sexual fantasies, but I didn't want to deny sex because of it.

Actually this is correct. You can be complete without having sex. In fact, the only way you can be complete is through yourself and not others. Completeness is not 1/2, 2, 5 or 10. It's 1 and that one is you(and the universe which are one but whatevs). But you are also right to let this become a rationalization. If you want sex, get it.

On 11/2/2016 at 10:56 AM, Joe Zhou said:

But I didn't solve the power issue. I was still giving power to women and being inconfident.

I'm going to give you the classic Pickup answer: abundance and skillset. If you have a considerable amount of women in your life and also have the skillset to attract women, then you will have no desire/inclination to give women your power.If you've got a few stunners jamming at house- women you've attracted by conveying your best self- do you think you're going to supplicate to the 7.5 in your office or the cute barista at the hipster coffee place? By being able to get women consistently, at the level which you genuinely desire, you will have no 'power' issues because you can always find someone else.

 

[Joe Zhou]

@J. M. Wigglesworth Thank you for the in-depth answer. Can you expand a bit regard completeness without having sex?

I sense that even if I have a lot of sex I still won't be complete, since sexual pleasure is short-lasting.  I got bothered a lot by sex while I wanted to focus on improving other aspects such as my talent and skills. When I was bothered so much,  I thought it's a Maslow's hierarchy issue, gotta have food, sex, shelter handled to move higher.

So is the state of completeness attainable without having tons of sex as the foundation of pyramid? Is it possible to let go sex even without having tons of them? Is there any other way for the sexual energy to go other than having sex?

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

@Joe Zhou

Yep, this one is a pretty interesting paradox. Perhaps it's the language of the question or societal attitudes on, the matter, but it can be difficult to resolve. Let me try to put as best as I can.

 

Completeness:

To be complete is to be one. Doesn't matter what this one is, whether it's just you as a human or one infinite field of consciousness.Obviously, the latter offers a more powerful sense of completeness(not my experience but others), however accepting your wholeness as a human is still very powerful. That's one of the reasons why shadow work is a significant/enduring part of the spiritual path. From this paradigm, hoping sex  can add/generate completeness, is ridiculous. Imagine trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle with pieces from another puzzle. It just doesn't work. You see, the complete you already exists. All you have to do is accept it and align with it. And yes, there are simple techniques to do this, just let me resolve the paradox more fully.

 

Reconciling sex:

Sex is good, sex is great. Fun exercise, balances hormones, releases endorphines, deepens intimacy and passion at the same time, can be used for energy work... you get it. Sex has a lot of benefits. But sex is only one way to use sexual energy. As a man, you must walk your path. If you can learn to direct your masculine polarity more towards walking your path than towards sexual desire, you could benefit a lot. And yes, Maslov's hierarchy is important, but friends/family/pets can fill the place that sex does. People essentially need intimate interaction. Here's a visual for reference.

 

 

The actual power of women:

Just a quick reminder: feminine energy can greatly empower/enhance yourself as a man. But the more you've got, the more there is to be amplified, so rather than completing you, they are more like a bonus- nice to have but not neccessary.

 

Actual practical stuff:

To be complete as yourself, try the "whatever arises, love that"(complete credit to Matt Kahn at True Divine Nature. He's a badass spiritual gangster). It's simple. Whatever arises in your consciousness, love it. No holding back. Just unconditional, irrational, deep love. Extremely powerful stuff.

 

A way to release sexual energy without sex/masturbation. By the way, it's a breathing techniques from qi gong practice.

   

[Joe Zhou]

@J. M. Wigglesworth Fascinating! Much appreciated for clarifying .  Do you have experience with the breathing technique?

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

 @Joe Zhou

I use it occasionally when I don't want to ejaculate and let my vitality dissipate. It's surprisingly effective for what it is, but you might have to do it more than once if you're pretty horny.  

[Joe Zhou]

@J. M. Wigglesworth I watched the video several times and still didn't quite understand it...So just breathe with mouth open very deeply? And the sexual energy will automatically move up?

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

@Joe Zhou

Just rewatched the video and you're right, it's kind of unclear. Basically you focus on the sexual energy locked in your pelvis, breathe into that pelvic region to create a vibrancy of the sexual energy. After you've got some resonance with the feeling(or if it just the energy just feels more fresh)  focus on moving the energy up your spine, and down the center line of your face in a cycle. Up the spine is the inspiration and down the front is the exhalation. Repeat this cycle of breathing until the stagnation of the sexual energy significantly declines.

[Bob84]

@Joe Zhou You want to talk to this girl, then start to think and think and think, and eventually you dont?

[Joe Zhou]

@Bob84 I thought that was the situation, but I don't really think so now.

I just believed that having sex was something I had to get, so I saw the unwillingness to talk to girls being wrong. And I thought when I got attracted by a girl, the only right answer would be go talk to her. It was quite neurotic thinking.

The truth was I wanted to work on myself, and I wanted to do it solely for myself not because of girls liked some attributes.

I also believed having sex was the only way of getting the sexual energy out of the way, but the reason I wanted to get it out of the way at first place was because I wanted to focus on self improvement. I just didn't know there were other ways of using it.

I was desperate regarding what to do with the whole sex thing. I didn't want to talk to girls very badly. I just believed that  if I could stick with a girl, get sex regularly, I would stop worry about what to do with sex. In Leo's words, I was looking for achievement to cover up real problems.