Can anyone relate or something

[Cathal]

Hi there I just made an account here.

So for many years I had been trying to figure out these many feelings of deep emptiness, loneliness and overall feeling hollow as a rotted tree. Aside the story of my life I think it all comes down to the inability to feel love for myself and ignoring my trauma and the way my brain wired to deal with my family, in pretty much any type of meditation practice I can bring my awareness to my chest and there's always a discomfort and sometimes frustration that no matter how much I just let it be or accept it it's just there and I feel locked in a prison that I cannot experience or connect to the world around me.

Jesus after my first mushroom trip I remember going outside and feeling apart of the world I was just overwhelmed with joy and it truly felt like I was real, I remember streching so much and enjoying just running around like a maniac cause it felt so good to feel like I have a body and not just this detached mind that floats, it felt the same way it did when I was a kid or something. I tried to kill myself a little before that experience and I think without that experience I would definitely just said fuck it, I tried to kms passively and 4 times actively in the last 3 years, all I have left is giant scars on my forearm and neck. 

I'm wondering what do you guys think about dealing with depression or whatever it is i'm feeling with medication? I had tried it before, it sent me to the manic moon and that comedown after the high was something words cannot even describe, it's so blurry but I didn't shower in 4 months and was stopped by police because I was so filthy when leaving the house for food. It scares the shit out of me that would happen again but I think the awareness I have now with not being far less identified to the ego and having the awareness of letting thoughts go and not being attached to fleeting emotions I might be able to avoid returning into another 'episode' but really I don't know to what degree it truly is helping me resolve the roots of my self and not just making me high,

Right now i'm trying to search for therapists and taking actions like that but I also would like if anyone could comment on anything you found to work for you and if you think it could for me. I don't think i'm that different, I just isolated myself to protect me from the really bad experiences I had growing up but in doing so I created so much suffering for myself, I have no family I can relate to and I have absolutely not a single human being I speak too anymore. The psychedelic experience shows me each time when my self is dissolved I want to do nothing else but help others, the moment it comes back all I want to do is jump off a building.

Thanks 4 reading

[ilja]

I can relate to the rotten tree feeling i think.

for me it is more like foul core of darkness in my chest working my feeling of connectedness and light-soulness through itself and giving back feelings that put me down and submission to feeling unjustifiably guilty and therefore thoughts.

Edited May 13, 2021 by ilja

[Nahm]

@catcat69123

Making a dreamboard is helpful, as you fill it with anything you want to experience in life. What you want, is the same as saying, what feels good, to you. Want arises from and as feeling, like desire. So you already are feeling more. 

When one sees that other’s have, do, be, create & experience things that one also wants, there are often two thought / emotion paths one takes:

1.) More thinking about oneself which doesn’t feel good. This recreates the grey & black bar emotions over & over. 

2.) Understanding the emotional scale, in this case, specifically that jealousy is letting you know what you do want, and then expressing what you do want, onto your dreamboard. On the dreamboard, what you want is not floating around in your head so to speak, but on the board, in front of you, ‘in the flesh’, ‘in the physical’. It’s there, because you created it. Whenever you see it, you feel good, because it’s filled with everything that feels good to you. 

Many of the emotions above jealousy arise along the way, and the scale can be used anytime, to purposefully express each emotion, returning to joy, love, freedom, and empowerment, each time. This ‘process’ clears out the thoughts & emotions that do not feel good to you, and aligns you with the peace, love, and happiness you truly are. The ‘kid again’, as you say. 

Any ‘process’ can be overwhelming when we are experiencing depression. I experienced very much what you are describing too. This is now the work I do, helping people in the most effective way I can find, ways which helped me and have been proven to be very helpful for those I’ve talked with as well. This is just one tool.

There is nothing wrong with getting some help, lots of help. Truly, one who gets help is of course helping oneself in doing so. In that vein, what I’m suggesting here is not meant to be a supplement or replacement for any other approach. Medication and therapy will always be between you and a doctor or therapist. Though these did not help me, I suggest taking advantage of all resources available to you. There are other tools on my website (link below) to help with expression, reconnecting with creativity and love, forgiveness, mental and emotional equanimity, etc. Hopefully some are helpful. It can be done btw. I remember how rough it was, and am here to tell ya, it can be done. Everything can change. Wish you well, God bless.