How to get over a unresolved relationship?

[integral]

In my early 20s i dated someone that i really connected with, it was a very strong romance, a beautiful experience. She was a foreign exchange student and had to leave the country, so the relationship ended during the strong romance phase with out any chance of seeing her again. The issue is there was no closure and the connection was very strong. So 10 years later i still think about her and having occasional imaginary conversations with her. Its not major just a casual thought on occasion. The feelings for her are still there, unresolved. It doesn't matter if im in another relationships, ill just love multiple people at the same time. Its the same with every relationship ive been in, ill keep loving all of them, but in this one unresolved case its stronger then the others. Speaking of relative love, not absolute.

How do i resolve this? What is the need for closure, what is it a reflection of and how do we get over it? 

Edited May 13, 2021 by integral

[Etherial Cat]

Any chance you'd find her on social media and send her a dm?

[integral]

@Etherial Cat  Yes, but how will that help? 

[Etherial Cat]

25 minutes ago, integral said:

@Etherial Cat  Yes, but how will that help? 

By talking to her and see how that reality confronts to your memories.

 

[ilja]

strange, i was thinking a lot today as well about a former girlfriend.

Edited May 13, 2021 by ilja

[Etherial Cat]

6 minutes ago, ilja said:

strange, i was thinking a lot today as well about a former girlfriend.

Well, maybe you can contact her as well.

The question when it comes to former flame is "did the situation that got you to break up change or not?". 

And in like 90% of the time, it is not a good idea to retry something. It all depends on specific cases.

[ilja]

49 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Well, maybe you can contact her as well.

The question when it comes to former flame is "did the situation that got you to break up change or not?". 

And in like 90% of the time, it is not a good idea to retry something. It all depends on specific cases.

that's very sweet of you, thank you.

but i just want to check if she is happy and fine.

unfortunately i don't know how to find her anymore and her number is long gone.

Edited May 13, 2021 by ilja

[28 cm unbuffed]

What about a situation, where I am constantly being blocked, got ghosted and shit? 
She is avoidant attachment style and is unable to confront the reality of what she did to me.

I know talking to her is not the only option there is (Because, what if she died, am I doomed then? It shouldn't work like that). 

What can I do to let go of that? I tried everything, I work my ass of like 24/7 and I have to end that in my mind / change my emotional state to move on and look for someone new. It's been 2 years now. I'm stuck.

[integral]

On 5/13/2021 at 3:08 PM, Etherial Cat said:

And in like 90% of the time, it is not a good idea to retry something. It all depends on specific cases.

@28 cm unbuffed its tricky, if they are in a committed relationship and their contacted, their might be no motivation to reply. 

On 5/13/2021 at 5:15 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

What can I do to let go of that? I tried everything, I work my ass of like 24/7 and I have to end that in my mind / change my emotional state to move on and look for someone new. It's been 2 years now. I'm stuck.

Why wait 2 years? Its definitely time to explore, i guarantee their is a better match out there for you. 

[Shadowraix]

Closure is very powerful when it's possible.

My ex after being a year split came to me wanting closure for something super shitty I did. And I was able to apologize for it and show I have grown and no longer believe what I said at all. It helped her tremendously and I also have the privilege of using my growth to be a positive influence in her life which feels great to be able to help when I did so much damage.

Do some inquiry. Is there some uncertainty? Trauma or things that was never addressed? Not fully understanding why it ended etc. But in the long run love that runs deep has been primarily time based if there's no big issues or trauma that's being a blockade. Where I can appreciate things for how it was and appreciate the time for what it was instead of thinking on them in pain of what I used to have.

Personally what got me over my ex was my current partner of over 9mo now. I think loneliness was what held me back from healing. But I don't know if my experience would give you much insight or not. 

[integral]

@Etherial Cat So i contacted her and she didn't respond. lol Well that didnt help. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@integral

I'm not waiting or anything, but I'm aware there might be a lot of energetic/subconscious blockages that will not let me bring a new relationship into my life. Doing tons of childhood and shadow healing so it might help.

[mandyjw]

Write to her, pour your f-ing heart out.

Ok, so here's the secret. If I say "don't send it", I ruin it, but if you mean to send it you also ruin it. The point is you're doing this for you, not any outcome. So don't send it.

Also there might be some ideas you have in general about love being conditional, about love and distances, about love and limitations that you want to let go of. Or maybe there's something about her that you really appreciated that you want to embody. So regardless of outcome of closure, there could be something about yourself that she is key to, or rather this emotional journey is key to you seeing about yourself. 

[integral]

On 5/15/2021 at 3:58 PM, mandyjw said:

or rather this emotional journey is key to you seeing about yourself

She would listen and apply everything that i would say, like a mentor, student role. She was attracted to me for being a mentor to her, never had this with any other partner, so its what made the relationship more valuable to me. She fully could receive my love language. teaching, while other partners and most people cannot. Never had a partner after this that wanted the love i wanted to give them. I always have to adapt my love expression to a partners needs, blocking deeper connection.  

What does this reveal about myself? Why is being valued as a teacher by others so important? 

[mandyjw]

@integral Because giving to others in a way that you know they are fully receiving it feels AMAZING. When someone is asking for our best selves, we use them as an excuse (not saying that with negativity) to connect with and BE our best selves. When you're teaching others, you get insights you didn't even know yourself. You focus in a way you never have before. You've not just connected with them you've connected with the Source of knowledge and love itself. The realization is that you can do this regardless of circumstances. 

This sometimes feels like a mourning, but what we are mourning is the letting go of the limited circumstances that seemingly allowed us to stumble upon this connection, but the realization is that we're not limited, that we can embody this and feel this way, that it is the essence of what we really are. 

She allowed you to discovery yourself in a way you never had before, and that discovery is yours to keep. When we keep ascribing it to circumstances and other people, we disconnect ourselves from it.  

 

[DIDego]

@mandyjw Have read your post a while here and there, starts understand/grasp more and more, your style are 

 

@integral Hi 

Souls and relationships? (you probably already understand this)

I was chocked see this first, but eventually when it start sink in, it helps a lot to zoom out, in all kind of relationships.

I was searching and watched different sources, if this person not resonate for you, try other sources.

 

This can also help.

 

 

@28 cm unbuffed ❤️

On 5/13/2021 at 11:15 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

She is avoidant attachment style and is unable to confront the reality of what she did to me.

Resentments? ??️? Let them go and ?❤️??

 

[Pilgrim]

I think there is nothing bad with loving multiple people at the same time. Your love is not limited and loving one person, doesn't take love away from another person. I don't see anything wrong with this. I think closure is important in the sense that you are sure you don't want to get back together, you have accepted that this was a part of your journey and it's over now. But there is nothing wrong in my opinion with thinking about ex's and even still loving them. Why wouldn't you? Just be clear that you are fully committed to your current partner and this is the person you are seeing your future with. Although in your case it sounds like you are still idolising her because your relationship ended before the honeymoon phase ended, therefore keep in mind that a lot of your feelings might come from idealising a perfect version in your head and this might not have to do so much with the actual "reality". 

[integral]

On 5/26/2021 at 10:51 AM, DIDego said:

 

This can also help.

 

Found these videos very helpful, thank you.  It re-contextualize things, see it with better clarity now. 

On 5/28/2021 at 6:25 AM, Pilgrim said:

idealising a perfect version in your head and this might not have to do so much with the actual "reality". 

Yes, definitely happened. 

On 5/26/2021 at 10:16 AM, mandyjw said:

Because giving to others in a way that you know they are fully receiving it feels AMAZING. When someone is asking for our best selves, we use them as an excuse (not saying that with negativity) to connect with and BE our best selves. When you're teaching others, you get insights you didn't even know yourself. You focus in a way you never have before. You've not just connected with them you've connected with the Source of knowledge and love itself. The realization is that you can do this regardless of circumstances. 

This sometimes feels like a mourning, but what we are mourning is the letting go of the limited circumstances that seemingly allowed us to stumble upon this connection, but the realization is that we're not limited, that we can embody this and feel this way, that it is the essence of what we really are. 

She allowed you to discovery yourself in a way you never had before, and that discovery is yours to keep. When we keep ascribing it to circumstances and other people, we disconnect ourselves from it. 

On 5/26/2021 at 10:16 AM, mandyjw said:

The realization is that you can do this regardless of circumstances.

When we keep ascribing it to circumstances and other people, we disconnect ourselves from it.  

Thanks, loved it. How to connect with love itself? Any tips? 

[mandyjw]

On 5/30/2021 at 0:07 PM, integral said:

Thanks, loved it. How to connect with love itself? Any tips? 

Do what you love, love what you do in all areas of life. Meditation, however you want to do it.