My Journal

[Vido]

I process what for me is super personal stuff. 

Please don't give me unsolicited advice/argue unless I ask you. There is a difference between understanding and realizing and this process helped me realize. 

------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up today thinking about her...again.

 

I cut ties with her on Feb. It's May now, it still lingers...this desire...

 

This desire to talk to her again. I know it will be not healthy for me and I have already wasted a year of my life with this bullshit. I know I need to move on from this... however, I am still holding on to something?

 

Maybe my insecurity of not being handsome enough or

I feel like people see me as a nice guy but never sexually like a man. They love to talk to me but not fuck me, basically.

 

Something missing me? If so, then what is it?

 

Self-inquiry seems to be the key (One of the reasons I started this, this is my anonymous confession box to process my emotions)

 

I woke up today and I looked good. I like it.

 

I sat down to write this, now I feel a weird sensation in my throat.

 

Ahh, a familiar sensation indeed. I usually feel this when I wanted to say something and I keep it within myself.

 

What are you trying to say P?

 

I...don't know. I only know and feel this...pain...this longing

 

for beauty and love.

 

 

Beauty is transient. Always present, never everlasting.

 

She was and is beautiful. A kind of mystique words can't describe.

 

I have thoughts sometimes, maybe if I was more emotionally mature and charismatic, would it still have worked?

 

Well, doesn't matter now I guess. This lifetime I met her in these circumstances.

 

*When I don't let go of her, there is something in me that I am not letting go of myself*

 

This pain and suffering really has nothing to do with her.

 

There is beauty inside me that I have lost touch with and I am not willing to let go of the pleasure from holding on to whatever I am holding on to.

 

I was never in love with her. For the first time, I was in love with myself through her.

 

And she is gone, these obsessive thoughts about her, I never really had it for myself.

 

Appreciation, I wish I could appreciate myself the way I appreciated her.

 

I was not truthful to myself which caused this suffering.

 

There is a feeling below my sternum

 

A familiar feeling indeed.

Breathing exercise does help me to resolve this feeling. Bodywork is really important, I am realizing.

I am an extroverted guy, when talking to people, I forget my suffering. 

When alone tho...it comes back. This familiar pain of unresolved confusion.

 

Watching the Owen video although I am a huge fan of pickup stuff

 

Twisted emotions and confused unconcious.

 

Maybe I should watch Leo's self deception video again

[Vido]

I realized yesterday that even though I was intensely attracted to that girl, there was nothing about her I liked.

When I ask myself "What do I like about her?" Nothing particularly stands out. I just know I am attracted to her.

I was reading a book, the alabaster girl, and in that, they asked me "Women fantasize about someone. Why are you not a women's fantasy?"

Man, that's a tough question

Why?

Maybe because I am not masculine enough?

Maybe I am too much of a nice guy? 

They don't see me as a man?

A question that springs more questions! Feels like a journey that I am not yet willing to begin. Why indeed.

What characters do I like about the women?

I don't know. Nothing particularly stands out. I feel it in my body (if you know what I mean) and then go yep she's the one, would she love me back?

Wrong approach. I won't make the same mistake again. This time, I will qualify her and try to find out what I like about her. Else, I will be lost in sea of sexual tension and frustration.

Am I being honest with my desires? Probably not, I was not honest with her about it. 

Liked her yet accepted the friend zone.

Caused me intense suffering. 

 

What makes a person seductive? What is the essence of it? What is it? 

A question that leaves me staring at the stars at 11:00 PM

[Vido]

Today I woke up angry with her. 

 

I realized even though I am attracted to her, there is nothing about her I liked. That's because she doesn't have a sense of identity that she sticks by, so she would change her values to please someone she likes. That MAKES ME ANGRY

In my head, the movies that were playing are that I wanted to scream at her and tell her and point out how inconsistent with her values she is.

I started listening to Abraham Hicks.

She mentioned that you need to move from anger to hopefulness. I was regressing back the scale to guilty for falling in love with her in the first place.

Stupid me. Took me 8 months to realize this. If I was more introspective, I wouldn't have gone through suffering like this. ( LOOK AT ME, doing it again, regressing back to guilt)

This is how insidious this stuff really is. 

What does moving to hopefulness look like.

I am thinking, I need to start writing "I hope" and fill in the blanks

I hope I never go through shit like this again.

I hope I never she lives a better life our interaction added value to her life

I hope I learned something from this journey that made me a better person because it taught me how to be a better person.

I hope I value moments of interaction more than the outcome after going through this.

I hope she has an amazing life forward

I hope I get to be with someone even more special

I hope I become more attractive to myself after this

I hope I feel better after this.

Right now, I want to take a moment and acknowledge that doing this makes me feel better.

I hope I find ways to be happy by myself

(Now let me check the emotional scale and see what's higher than this)

(It's optimism -> happiness - > enthusiasm -> eagerness -> passion -> empowerment -> love -> Joy -> Freedom)

I feel optimistic about improving my health and getting into shape and making myself more attractive to myself such that when I look in the mirror.

I feel optimistic about acing the university and get excited about the journey.

I feel optimistic that the next person I am going to be with, I will have a better time with it.

(Right now, I feel good about this emotion and feels like I can feel the optimism)

(Let's move on to the next one)

I feel happy that I got to make new friends in the process like Farah, Rose, Marcel, get more closer with Iki & Cat, Gray, and I am looking forward to more things in life.

I feel happy that thanks to this, I choose to do this process even though the problem with the negative emotions seems to go away because thanks to that exp I gained the wisdom not to stop.

I feel happy that I feel better now

(Moving on to the next emotion)

I feel eager to start my day with positivity because this sets the tone for the day and I feel like little things like this.

I feel eager to see what happens today and how the day goes thanks to this process.

I feel eager to cook some delicious meal after writing this

I feel eager to cook some fried rice for dinner after this

I am eager to do some meditation and breathwork after this.

I feel eager to improve myself mentally, psychologically and physically 

I feel eager to schedule my day and have a rough idea of what I am going to do. 

(Moving on to the next emotion, love)

I look at this, I feel love because when I was writing the eager part, the things I was eager about naturally came rather than me forcing myself to do it. I realised that literally, the state of being will help you get the wisdom of what to do.

I feel thanks to this process, I can love myself even more. 

I feel the more I do this and become familiar with this, I will feel free! 

I need to do more of this.