Help! Enlightenment without spicy sex? Amazing relationship minus sexual attraction.

[Clarity808]

 

I am seeking outside perspective on a dating a guy that checks off all the boxes on so many amazing levels of what i crave in relationship except the sexual attraction is weak. Since the beginning I’ve never had an attraction to him very much physically.

 

Good things:

-deep spiritual connection, study enlightenment material and resonate together at subtle levels of truth

-higher conscious conversations, intellectual connection

-openminded and intelligent more toward post-conventional stages of development

-relates and resonates with my mission and values

-kind, patient, loving

-hands on and eager to be of service

-be productive together, helps with home

-his presence puts my being at ease and is better to have him at my place then to be alone

-he is very thoughtful and has bought me a bike, dance shoes, researched things for my career, has left me money to buy groceries, has helped me redesign my home to be more uplifted

-we can meditate and read and study together 

-he is eager to innovate lifestyle and helps me as I am making next career moves

-ambitious: we both desire to develop and self actualize to highest potential

-I do enjoy when he caresses and holds me and kisses me

 -He is what I asked for on so many levels, someone to grow with to the deepest level of my soul, to learn with, to dive deep into the most important practices of being and cognitive development and the application of career dance and embodiment and to share in higher conscious values and development. To be more conscious and loving.

-That he follows my lead well and me to his.

-humorous and playful

-is a dancer and the dance connection is good and creative

 

Red Flags?

-often I have to close my eyes during sex and imagine someone else (getting a little better but still feel resistant to seeing him)

-I am not attracted to him very much sexually, do not crave him like I do others

-feel embarrassed to be with him in public and am actually resistant to him holding hands with me

-experience thoughts of resistance to him and desire to date other people/fantasies of past lovers

-that he walks by and I am turned off as I see him

-his nervous laugh and shyness is especially a turn off

-A friend has told me that looks-wise I am a 9, and I have a feeling he is more like a 4

-I do not feel happy about just having sex with him as he is not giving me the kind of sexual experience I desire most

-i am used to high levels of sexual chemistry that I don't feel with him.

-he gets jealous when I dance with other people and has requested that I be monogamous with him sexually (it is more aligned with me to dance with many people, that I don’t want to be with just him and I crave other types of sexual experiences he is not giving me)

-he has stated that I am the one for him and its decided and his desire to have me as his life partner, that he is “falling deep”

-he thinks about me all the time and goes out of his way to do things for me, buy things for me, all my food, do whatever I ask, offered to help pay for rent

 

HOWEVER:

My friend has pointed out that in the past when I’ve been with lovers that I am highly attracted to, I can get obsessed. Can be an emotional ride of ups and downs and the sex can get excessive. And that maybe in a relationship with a partner that I am not overly sexually attracted to could be a good thing?

 

QUESTIONS/CONTEMPLATIONS:

-Can I ignore my thoughts of resistance and frustration and instead work toward improving my attraction with him? Can attraction be improved?

-I wonder if he is too much of a match in so many areas that are important to me that it would be silly to drop him completely?

-Or maybe he can be a partner with me and would be open to me seeing other people as well?

-Might it be healthier to have a partner I’m not explosively attracted to?

-Or should I consider going back to the drawing board and finding an even better fit before we get too entangled?

He has used me to be his monogamous girlfriend and I said yes out of not knowing how to stand up for what I really want and need. Not clear in myself completely and also how I would approach the conversation. Would like to readdress with him once I get more clear. 

 

What my heart desires most in a relationship as was shared with me by Origins:

 

My theoretical thoughts on the real meaning of deeper relationships outside the context of simplistic evolutionary lenses and the purpose, effects and causes of those corresponding implementations. 

To know the other so deeply and they you that you can do nothing else other than to merge your whole consciousness with them; other now melts into oneness in the simultaneity. To serve one another's potential in consciousness so much that both of you generate a symbiotic informational growth loop with one another's minds; existence becomes a mission not only not fought alone but with shared interconnected meaning on said meaning as it connects to one another's understanding of life, a mirror of absolute companionate strength. To this, you serve the destiny of the universe, to be in ever-changing flux but that fluidity of corresponding change and development experienced individually bridged by the simultaneity of your dual collective connective experience of growth and feedback for and with one another's expression of the universe's nobler climaxes. To this end, you light one another's flame further for life than it otherwise would have been, autocorrecting existential malaises that would otherwise stall one another while alone and emphasising the loop holes and keyholes in one another's experience of awareness through the subtlest understanding you've developed of each another to better potentialise experience; former shadows now forced by luminescence to redefine and remarry into the next even more subtler chapter of companionship. The more mirrors developed and the more accurately they reflect, the deeper you're forced to go into one another's dual created Inception; dreams collide and new worlds are created that only you both have access to and comprehend. To the outside a natural cryptographic language has emerged that only you both can intuitively understand and solve about one another and in your combination; the subtlest look, the core meaning behind a partners dream without them needing to explain, the path you both decide to take without needing much if any discussion at all, you're carried by one another's intimate knowledge of each other that has been developed from years and years of meaningful study. Complex mazes become simple roads, dangerous mountains become gentle river streams, the growth and development of one another's consciousness from what started out initially as a competitive game now a collective embrace of meaning and understanding. “

 

And see my post here for my desire for next level relationships:

 

 

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Clarity808
title

[Bando]

Your making this way more complicated than it is attraction comes first when building a relationship.  Sorry to tell you this but you can have the perfect guy but if he doesn't meet your attraction threshold it won't work out.  This works both ways man and female.

Anyone who has to close their eyes and imagine a different parter sleeping with them to get off is a major red flag . I would contemplate breaking things off and not spend anymore time with him as your also doing him a disservice by being in a dishonest relationship. 

[Raptorsin7]

I feel bad for this guy.

If you want don't want to be monogamous and you don't even find the guy sexually attractive just leave and let him be with someone who appreciates what he has to offer.

You sound like you're using and manipulating this guy for your own gain, and you are ashamed of him.

Good luck finding a guy who's a better fit. At least be honest with the next guy about who you are so  wont' you waste any sane people's time

Edited May 10, 2021 by Raptorsin7

[Roy]

2 hours ago, Clarity808 said:

-Can I ignore my thoughts of resistance and frustration and instead work toward improving my attraction with him? Can attraction be improved?

I wouldn't ignore them. I would confront them. If you think he's at a point he can receive it well bring it up in a mature setting. Also strongly consider going to a sex therapist either alone or together if necessary. They might be able to help you through this.

2 hours ago, Clarity808 said:

-I wonder if he is too much of a match in so many areas that are important to me that it would be silly to drop him completely?

It does sound like this to a degree, but that is up to you and your values.

2 hours ago, Clarity808 said:

-Or maybe he can be a partner with me and would be open to me seeing other people as well?

This is a radical option and should be a last resort. A suggestion like this is very tricky and can spoil a relationship to end instantly.

2 hours ago, Clarity808 said:

-Might it be healthier to have a partner I’m not explosively attracted to?

It could be, this kind of depends on you and your past. Do you have a volatile history of getting hurt or possibly hurting others? Did those relationships actually fulfill and grow you or were they hollow?  Do you think it's time you "settle" and ground yourself a bit more? Sit down to be honest with yourself, analyze your flaws, cravings, bias'.

2 hours ago, Clarity808 said:

-Or should I consider going back to the drawing board and finding an even better fit before we get too entangled?

Consider everything I said, contemplate, and wait 2-3 weeks to move through your thoughts and feelings. It usually takes such time to come to better clarity.

I'll say this. It sounds like you've got a good thing, but you're a bit torn with yourself over going backwards to the past. I would try to understand and get in touch with those things about yourself first. Observe yourself and try to eradicate all the selfish thoughts and feelings you may or may not have.

Then think about how you want to approach the conversation with him. It's important you're brutally honest. If you really love each other and there is a bright future perhaps this is something to work on. It IS possible for him to get better at sex and maybe exercise or groom himself better in order to be more sexually attractive. Most men while taking a hit to their insecurity at first will gladly look to work on themselves for their woman. It sounds like he is already the type of guy to be willing to do that.

If all these options fail you have to consider finding someone new. If you can't comfortably have a sexual relationship he is basically just an extremely good friend.

I wish you all the best @Clarity808

[integral]

3 hours ago, Clarity808 said:

-I do not feel happy about just having sex with him as he is not giving me the kind of sexual experience I desire most

Tell him what you want him to do in bed, he doesn't know anything, its not that he is not attractive, its that he doesn't understand intimacy. Teach him, communicate everything that you want. Be very explicit, paint the picture, the role he needs to play. Maybe watch some videos of things you want him to copy. Learn by examples. If the fantasy is to be dominated and "taken" then thats what he will learn how to do. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by integral

[integral]

3 hours ago, Clarity808 said:

What my heart desires most in a relationship as was shared with me by Origins:

Its a highly synergistic relationship where both partners are feeding each others growth paths. Start by fuelling his growth path.

The mindset is also abit off, if your looking for a growth relationship then the first step is to help the person your with grow, actually care about the person your dating as what you can do for them (truly care) and not over focus on what they can do for you. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by integral

[Harlen Kelly]

@Clarity808 He is a typical nice guy but you (and the vast majority of women) are not attracted to nice guys. If you have any respect and genuine affection for him, leave the relationship. You will absolutely destroy him when you eventually decide to leave him later after he gets more attached to you. 

Unfortunately women have a fantastical picture in their mind of who they are attracted to but in reality what elicits attraction on them is the exact opposite. Just leave him and look for guy you really like. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[aurum]

@Clarity808

You need a partner you are sexually attracted to. Otherwise ya’ll are just really good friends.

If this guy isn’t doing it for you, I’d start by letting him know. I understand you may wish he would figure this out on his own, but there’s a good chance he never will unless you communicate.

If the situation doesn’t improve after that you’ll have to look at other options.