I've been trying fo let go for 15 years

[tatsumaru]

I have been in a lot of pain for the last 15 years. To be honest I am tired of even trying to understand why. Just some infinitely complex net of cause and effect relationships which seem to be beyond my capacity to understand and control have resulted in me being in pain. Generally speaking I am the type of person who believes in not giving up no matter how painful the fight, but I am SOOOOOOOO tired. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired. It's hard to express how tired I am of fighting to hang on for one more day. It's like my whole life is like "bear the pain, 70 years will be over soon".

Certainly there have been glimpses of happiness, joy, creativity and profound appreciation as well, but mostly it's been loneliness, disease and despair and I am scared that it's starting to become harder for me to bear all that pain. The baggage is becoming too large to carry and I am not sure I have the energy anymore. I don't know how to let go of it, I've tried and I've tried for 15 years but it always finds a way to creep up back into my life. Or maybe I've never really tried and only fooled myself who knows.

For me this dimension is like a purgatory. But I am running out of will and I feel like one day I am just gonna go under some tree and wait until I die there like a sick animal that's lost the will to keep fighting.

I know I am also totally sick  of psychoanalyzing myself trying to comprehend and control some infinite web of cause and effect relationships that seem to be beyond my capacity to understand and control. I am so tired of having to control every little atom of my life, it's like some house of cards. Smallest mistake and it all crumbles down, fuck systems thinking. It's not solving anything.

Please I want to wake up from this nightmare already, how much is left... I need relief so badly...

[Roy]

I'm really sorry for your suffering. I don't really know what's going on exactly for you because you didn't say, have you been to a specialist or therapist to dive deeply into what might be the root of it? If you have did that help?

[Nightwise]

There are times in our life when really all we can do is just to move on with our lives, despite ourselves asking "why", despite ourselves ruminating over how our troubled past still doesn't seem to be resolved.

Some months ago, when I was getting out of this incredibly dark phase I was in in the summer of 2020, I had weekly contact with a volunteer (and I still do see her weekly most of the time) of an organization that has as principle that all of their volunteers have a past with mental health problems; Basically an organization that has its expertise in personal experience.

I was recovering, but I once again got overwhelmed by just the question "What's the meaning, what's the point of it all?" for a couple of days. I was resisting heavily. I too have a fairly long-standing history with mental health problems ever since around the time I hit puberty (which is around 13 years ago, I'm 26 now, so half my life basically). 

We had our scheduled meeting which happened to be online for that particular week, and I expressed all of my thoughts and disturbances to her. What she did taught me something very powerful. Instead of going along trying to dismantle or argue with my narrative of meaninglessness or hopelessness, she simply invited me to start doing an online "African dance workout", where we both danced or moved along with a guided workout.

If it had been recorded and posted on the internet I would be too ashamed to even look at it until this day, but even though from the onset it seemed very ridiculous and futile what she was trying to get me to do, I reluctantly complied to her suggestion and simply did it, being skeptical but still open enough to just give it a damn try.

To my surprise, what it did was just to put me in another mindset for the rest of the day where I simply decided to put my focus on other things and stop ruminating about all the "why's", the "buts" and the "hows". It somehow seemed to have helped just to redirect my consciousness to something else.

Why am I telling this? Because often we have the tendency to want to resolve something, to want to figure something out or to find some narrative of greater comfort, yet if the state of mind we're acting from is one of deep negativity, it usually just leads to nothing but more confusion and tension.

Sometimes what we just require in our lives is just this attitude of "get back up and continue living", no matter all the objections or resistances we may have. This can be a very difficult thing to do, but sometimes we really don't have much of another option than just root ourselves in the practical domain of life where we just focus on solutions and distractions instead of problems and all of our narratives.

You may also have this sense, as I had, that all this suffering you are experiencing is so meaningless, and perhaps you start comparing your life story to others who have had a long difficult life and still haven't found a resolution or liberation from that, thinking and fearing your life will be the same. This was a very overwhelming fear when I was in my darkest days that gave rise to a lot of desperation.

To root yourself in connection with others who can give you a greater and more nuanced perspective than you yourself are capable of at that moment can be incredibly helpful, I found. On top of the spiritual counselor I was already speaking to before this dark phase last year, I also sought a therapist and, as I said, this woman from this organization I was talking about.

I may have been quite blessed to have found the right people (or maybe I somewhere just knew how to find them), but talking to them and literally just expressing all of my dark thoughts and feelings to them turned out to be incredibly helpful. I was afraid that expressing all of my dark thoughts about life and my seemingly doomed future would infect them with my negativity which I really didn't want (which is why I had never expressed it so openly to anyone before), but to my surprise, the opposite turned out to be the case. They made me feel really seen and understood. Often they didn't even try to dismantle the narrative, but they just listened and made me feel seen and validated, and somehow without any logical argument that was already sufficient to change or let go of some of these very dark narratives I had in my head about life and myself.

See if you can find such people in your life if you haven't already, people who are really compassionate and mature and who can handle you as you are in all your darkness and negativity. They may not always be too easy to find but with a strong intention and will to find them I'm sure you'll come across them. Again, if you haven't found them already.

And also, with this sense of meaninglessness you may happen to feel towards your own life and towards your own suffering. Just pay attention over time to see if it is really true that this suffering is meaningless.

I personally started just to track if there was anything that changed for the better for me because of this incredibly dark phase. I was afraid the opposite would be the case, that the intensity of it which was unlike anything I had experienced before would completely traumatize and disregulate me and I would never be able to fully recover from that and things would only be worse in comparison to before this dark phase happened. I was almost completely convinced of it, but despite this notion I still really just out of desperation started to pay attention and track on paper if there were things that indeed had improved. Not only improved in the sense that I started recovering from this crisis, but improved in the sense that new capacities and qualities started to come forth that I had never been capable of before the crisis happened.

I was very afraid that I would prove to myself that indeed nothing changed for the good, but what I found that there was a number of things that really had changed for the better in a more or less permanent sense.

I've written down quite a number of things in a map. I won't go over all of them, but there's more than 20 of them. The most noticeable thing for me is that on a social level some wall that had always been there before has simply been almost entirely destroyed. I feel so much more comfortable expressing myself to others and expressing a lot of my opinions and viewpoints whereas before I found it very difficult to attune and relate to others and there was always some distance between me and the other. Also this sense that I am 'special' or 'different' is also for a large part gone, which has proved to be a great relief because now I can meet the other person so much better.

I also noticed that I turned out to be a much better listener and I find myself being much more interested in others, and offering advice, perspectives and support comes so much more easily without being pushy about it. I also noticed that a kind of neurological tic I had with my eyes (sort of rolling my eyes up) has also been pretty much eradicated without me having done anything actively to try to get rid of it.

I also noticed I just philosophize and think a lot less about life. I started to embrace the earth element a lot more and started to value experience a lot more than thought. I am also much less bothered by inner conflict or paradox.

And there's more things.

They talk about the cleansing fire of suffering but all of this is just words until you become directly conscious of it and really start paying attention to what it actually does for you. Sometimes it may take some time to take effect, though. Sometimes some kind of thing you're bothered by is going the torment you the most just before it mostly or completely disappears. You may think that some kind of problem you have will gradually become less and less during the course of your life, but sometimes it gets the worst just before it disappears. Life isn't linear like that (but I'm not saying it ALWAYS has to be this way, though! Don't make a belief about it.

So that can help too. Keep note of what things are being purified because of the fact that you're suffering. Literally write it down, because writing down has a more profound effect than just putting it in your memory, I have found. 

It may take some time for some of these changes to be actualized or to be clear to you, though. Be patient.

Just trust, be patient. Know that it is not all for nothing. You will be able to see the value of what is happening right now in hindsight. Right now you're in the midst of it and then it will be very difficult, but still just trust me when I say it. For now, just stay with the practical and look for things that can ground and connect you with life, or with others for that matter. I don't think much thinking or philosophizing will do you much good for the place you're at right now.

I could keep typing but I have to end it at some point.

If you want me to assist you any further, feel free to send me a private message . There's lot more things I have done that really helped me to get out of that dark phase and there's a lot more things I feel I can assist and help you with. Take your own time, though. You may just need some time to digest all of what I have just written

Wish you all the best 

[Shin]

16 hours ago, Nightwise said:

There are times in our life when really all we can do is just to move on with our lives, despite ourselves asking "why", despite ourselves ruminating over how our troubled past still doesn't seem to be resolved.

Some months ago, when I was getting out of this incredibly dark phase I was in in the summer of 2020, I had weekly contact with a volunteer (and I still do see her weekly most of the time) of an organization that has as principle that all of their volunteers have a past with mental health problems; Basically an organization that has its expertise in personal experience.

I was recovering, but I once again got overwhelmed by just the question "What's the meaning, what's the point of it all?" for a couple of days. I was resisting heavily. I too have a fairly long-standing history with mental health problems ever since around the time I hit puberty (which is around 13 years ago, I'm 26 now, so half my life basically). 

We had our scheduled meeting which happened to be online for that particular week, and I expressed all of my thoughts and disturbances to her. What she did taught me something very powerful. Instead of going along trying to dismantle or argue with my narrative of meaninglessness or hopelessness, she simply invited me to start doing an online "African dance workout", where we both danced or moved along with a guided workout.

If it had been recorded and posted on the internet I would be too ashamed to even look at it until this day, but even though from the onset it seemed very ridiculous and futile what she was trying to get me to do, I reluctantly complied to her suggestion and simply did it, being skeptical but still open enough to just give it a damn try.

To my surprise, what it did was just to put me in another mindset for the rest of the day where I simply decided to put my focus on other things and stop ruminating about all the "why's", the "buts" and the "hows". It somehow seemed to have helped just to redirect my consciousness to something else.

Why am I telling this? Because often we have the tendency to want to resolve something, to want to figure something out or to find some narrative of greater comfort, yet if the state of mind we're acting from is one of deep negativity, it usually just leads to nothing but more confusion and tension.

Sometimes what we just require in our lives is just this attitude of "get back up and continue living", no matter all the objections or resistances we may have. This can be a very difficult thing to do, but sometimes we really don't have much of another option than just root ourselves in the practical domain of life where we just focus on solutions and distractions instead of problems and all of our narratives.

You may also have this sense, as I had, that all this suffering you are experiencing is so meaningless, and perhaps you start comparing your life story to others who have had a long difficult life and still haven't found a resolution or liberation from that, thinking and fearing your life will be the same. This was a very overwhelming fear when I was in my darkest days that gave rise to a lot of desperation.

To root yourself in connection with others who can give you a greater and more nuanced perspective than you yourself are capable of at that moment can be incredibly helpful, I found. On top of the spiritual counselor I was already speaking to before this dark phase last year, I also sought a therapist and, as I said, this woman from this organization I was talking about.

I may have been quite blessed to have found the right people (or maybe I somewhere just knew how to find them), but talking to them and literally just expressing all of my dark thoughts and feelings to them turned out to be incredibly helpful. I was afraid that expressing all of my dark thoughts about life and my seemingly doomed future would infect them with my negativity which I really didn't want (which is why I had never expressed it so openly to anyone before), but to my surprise, the opposite turned out to be the case. They made me feel really seen and understood. Often they didn't even try to dismantle the narrative, but they just listened and made me feel seen and validated, and somehow without any logical argument that was already sufficient to change or let go of some of these very dark narratives I had in my head about life and myself.

See if you can find such people in your life if you haven't already, people who are really compassionate and mature and who can handle you as you are in all your darkness and negativity. They may not always be too easy to find but with a strong intention and will to find them I'm sure you'll come across them. Again, if you haven't found them already.

And also, with this sense of meaninglessness you may happen to feel towards your own life and towards your own suffering. Just pay attention over time to see if it is really true that this suffering is meaningless.

I personally started just to track if there was anything that changed for the better for me because of this incredibly dark phase. I was afraid the opposite would be the case, that the intensity of it which was unlike anything I had experienced before would completely traumatize and disregulate me and I would never be able to fully recover from that and things would only be worse in comparison to before this dark phase happened. I was almost completely convinced of it, but despite this notion I still really just out of desperation started to pay attention and track on paper if there were things that indeed had improved. Not only improved in the sense that I started recovering from this crisis, but improved in the sense that new capacities and qualities started to come forth that I had never been capable of before the crisis happened.

I was very afraid that I would prove to myself that indeed nothing changed for the good, but what I found that there was a number of things that really had changed for the better in a more or less permanent sense.

I've written down quite a number of things in a map. I won't go over all of them, but there's more than 20 of them. The most noticeable thing for me is that on a social level some wall that had always been there before has simply been almost entirely destroyed. I feel so much more comfortable expressing myself to others and expressing a lot of my opinions and viewpoints whereas before I found it very difficult to attune and relate to others and there was always some distance between me and the other. Also this sense that I am 'special' or 'different' is also for a large part gone, which has proved to be a great relief because now I can meet the other person so much better.

I also noticed that I turned out to be a much better listener and I find myself being much more interested in others, and offering advice, perspectives and support comes so much more easily without being pushy about it. I also noticed that a kind of neurological tic I had with my eyes (sort of rolling my eyes up) has also been pretty much eradicated without me having done anything actively to try to get rid of it.

I also noticed I just philosophize and think a lot less about life. I started to embrace the earth element a lot more and started to value experience a lot more than thought. I am also much less bothered by inner conflict or paradox.

And there's more things.

They talk about the cleansing fire of suffering but all of this is just words until you become directly conscious of it and really start paying attention to what it actually does for you. Sometimes it may take some time to take effect, though. Sometimes some kind of thing you're bothered by is going the torment you the most just before it mostly or completely disappears. You may think that some kind of problem you have will gradually become less and less during the course of your life, but sometimes it gets the worst just before it disappears. Life isn't linear like that (but I'm not saying it ALWAYS has to be this way, though! Don't make a belief about it.

So that can help too. Keep note of what things are being purified because of the fact that you're suffering. Literally write it down, because writing down has a more profound effect than just putting it in your memory, I have found. 

It may take some time for some of these changes to be actualized or to be clear to you, though. Be patient.

Just trust, be patient. Know that it is not all for nothing. You will be able to see the value of what is happening right now in hindsight. Right now you're in the midst of it and then it will be very difficult, but still just trust me when I say it. For now, just stay with the practical and look for things that can ground and connect you with life, or with others for that matter. I don't think much thinking or philosophizing will do you much good for the place you're at right now.

I could keep typing but I have to end it at some point.

If you want me to assist you any further, feel free to send me a private message . There's lot more things I have done that really helped me to get out of that dark phase and there's a lot more things I feel I can assist and help you with. Take your own time, though. You may just need some time to digest all of what I have just written

Wish you all the best 

Thank you it helped

I hope it helped Tatsumaru too

[hyruga]

Check out the book The Miracle Equation. There are some tools in the book that will help you. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by hyruga