Spiritual Depression - really need to talk with someone

[28 cm unbuffed]

Hey guys. Did any of you watch Soul? 

I know this might sound crazy, but this exact experience happened to me. From what I understood it also happened to Leo and some other guys I followed and resonated with. After a year and a half after this experience, I finally am realizing what I've done and why I stayed here, on Earth.

Quick summary - in Soul movie, the main character was going to graduate to the next level, density, next incarnation - whatever you may call it. But he decided not to, because of some attachments he still had. It was true for me too, I stayed, I chose selfishly and that's only why I am still alive. 

I also know why I did that - 1. I never have been in love, 2. when I was younger I wanted to be rich and famous and later I decided all of these are nonsense and I want to discover the truth about why the fuck am I here and what life is all about. Now, when I understood reality and all of this - old attachment kicked to pull me back. 

Nothing is really exciting. Everything is mundane. Everything that I "stayed for" doesn't bring any fulfillment and I knew all of that even before I made that decision. 

Did any of you experience something similar to that? I have no idea what to do with my life, kill myself? I feel like a fucking Cypher from Matrix.

Edited May 8, 2021 by 28 cm unbuffed

[snowyowl]

Hi, I didn't watch Soul, but I think I get the gist of what you mean. 

"Nothing is really exciting. Everything is mundane. Everything that I "stayed for" doesn't bring any fulfillment and I knew all of that even before I made that decision." 

This story about an I which comes into the world and then goes on somewhere else, gets attached and can find things external to itself, unexciting, mundane, unfulfilling (or the opposite) is itself what creates the dissonance. What happens if you drop the story and look simply, as if you're seeing life for the first time? I'd suggest there are no externalities to give fulfilment to an internalised self; fulfilment is when those two become one, you realise you are the world, the life, the fulfilment you've been seeking all this time. 

Good luck bud, and keep on talking about it. There's really no need to check out of the world, all we need is right here

[Max1993]

@28 cm unbuffed You are the best possible object that can exist, an object that can experience an infinity of beautiful experiences that keep getting better and more profound with each lifetime, it is possible to outgrow this form of depression in a beautiful way which is why you might sometimes get depressed in the first place!  For the sake of rediscovering something even more heartbreakingly beautiful! 

[Nahm]

On 5/8/2021 at 0:41 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

Hey guys. Did any of you watch Soul? 

I know this might sound crazy, but this exact experience happened to me. From what I understood it also happened to Leo and some other guys I followed and resonated with. After a year and a half after this experience, I finally am realizing what I've done and why I stayed here, on Earth.

Quick summary - in Soul movie, the main character was going to graduate to the next level, density, next incarnation - whatever you may call it. But he decided not to, because of some attachments he still had. It was true for me too, I stayed, I chose selfishly and that's only why I am still alive. 

I also know why I did that - 1. I never have been in love, 2. when I was younger I wanted to be rich and famous and later I decided all of these are nonsense and I want to discover the truth about why the fuck am I here and what life is all about. Now, when I understood reality and all of this - old attachment kicked to pull me back. 

Nothing is really exciting. Everything is mundane. Everything that I "stayed for" doesn't bring any fulfillment and I knew all of that even before I made that decision. 

Did any of you experience something similar to that? I have no idea what to do with my life, kill myself? I feel like a fucking Cypher from Matrix.

What if it feels off because it is off? A misinterpretation and or misunderstanding?

What if you are believing that experience happened to you, but it didn’t? 

Joe Garner was told that that scene / experience was “illusory and hypothetical”. Did you catch that in the movie? Why they did that and moving forward in your life could be two in the same. Do you get why they named him Joe Gardner? Also very key to what you’re experiencing life wise. 

 

[Breakingthewall]

On 8/5/2021 at 6:41 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

Nothing is really exciting. Everything is mundane. Everything that I "stayed for" doesn't bring any fulfillment and I knew all of that even before I made that decision. 

All is magic, nothing is mundane. You have to turn off the radio to appreciate

[BipolarGrowth]

This seems to be stemming mostly from dualistic value judgments. The most logical solutions for resolving this to me would be to either find a way to change how you judge/value “mundane” life, find a way to stop making as many value judgments, or create the foundation to experience things that do truly interest you in this life according to your current value judgment structure. 
 

Combining these three approaches will probably yield the best results. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

Pm me if you wanna talk bro. Zoom/Skype. Free ofc. 

In any case much love, keep ya head high ??

 

[Godishere]

Had a few of these. Definitely after awakening. Don't be another moron like C.M and stay off the psycs for awhile. You will come back. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

Quote

Nothing is really exciting. Everything is mundane. Everything that I "stayed for" doesn't bring any fulfillment and I knew all of that even before I made that decision. 

This is normal, although distressing. Try putting spiritual stuff neatly to the side for a bit and turn your focus on your physical reality. Do you need a new job? To nurture a current relationship? To tidy your space, tend to your body? 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Flowerfaeiry

[28 cm unbuffed]

@snowyowl Your response is very positive but I think I'm not able to comprehend your message, I might not be on that level yet, but thank you.

@Nahm Gotta rewatch it then, didn't put too much attention to details, thank you for your wisdom.

@Max1993 Too methaphoric message for me, that's some Rumi type beat here, I know you're right, but still - I don't get any of that. Thank you tho.

@BipolarGrowth Yeah, I got too much into spirituality, which really got me back on track with life and filled me with excitement again, got me back out of shitty life that I put myself into. Getting back to normal and mundane wasn't the easiest thing to do. Not sure about judgmement thing, I'll take a closer look into that, thanks.

@WaveInTheOcean Thank you for the support, I might reach ya, if the timezones will match. Where are you from?

@Godishere Yeah, that's what happened to me right after awakening. Leo had similar experience - choice - you either die and go to higher level or stay here, in lower density, just to experience more stuff. It's so nihilistic, I just go with the flow and trust life 100%, stay in the present but still, not much sense in all of that, like watching a Netflix show, it's not bad, it's better than nothing, but also it's like.. whatever ;d

Ps. C.M. is Connor Murphy right? About psyche - got back to them after like almost 3 years, but this time I'm microdosing, where before it was like heroic doses and shit, just to feel alive for a while, like a hero on a journey (which was childish and dumb af). What do you think about microdosing? Thank you for your answer. 

@Flowerfaeiry This is where I put 100% of my focus right now. I'm concerned with myself, because my body is still telling me, there is a blockage or something in my root chakra, like what the heck, I can't work on that even more.. Do you know what might be the issue? It might be connected to some kind of sexual trauma or unmet needs I think. Thank you in advance for your tips, if you'll got any. 

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed

You didn’t die and come back per se. You think you did because you can’t think yourself, and because all thinking is twoness (alive & dead, here & there).

You ‘came back’ to be in love, but aren’t realizing you in very literally in love right now. 

There’s just the one of you, not two, and that One is This. 

Look for what to let go, which is no longer resonating or serving you, and as you do, you float and feel this love. 

And not just childhood, relationships, etc stuff, concepts, beliefs about the bigger picture or reality. 

When more is let go it’s easier to focus more on what you love, enjoy and have passion for. 

Life makes sense. 

[Zeroguy]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

@28 cm unbuffed

 

When more is let go it’s easier to focus more on what you love, enjoy and have passion for. 

Life makes sense. 

It does. Learning this. Practise makes perfect. 

[Zeroguy]

@Nahm What I've never undertood is Leo's guilt tripping. You are lost in your own dream. Yeah sure man but you should support creating. 

Guilt trip whats inaccurate and  wrong and support accurate and right. 

Being MGTOW is wrong. Lost in beleifs and blah blah. 

Being painter is good. You are creating sthg. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Zeroguy

[kag101]

Is there anything in your life that brings you joy/pleasure?

[Flowerfaeiry]

6 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

This is where I put 100% of my focus right now. I'm concerned with myself, because my body is still telling me, there is a blockage or something in my root chakra, like what the heck, I can't work on that even more.. Do you know what might be the issue? It might be connected to some kind of sexual trauma or unmet needs I think. Thank you in advance for your tips, if you'll got any. 

 

Mmm I wouldn't worry about your root chakra at this point. You gotta get out of your head. Do you like spending time in nature? 

[snowyowl]

@28 cm unbuffed  sorry if my earlier post wasn't helpful. 

"I also know why I did that - 1. I never have been in love, 2. when I was younger I wanted to be rich and famous and later I decided all of these are nonsense and I want to discover the truth about why the fuck am I here and what life is all about. Now, when I understood reality and all of this - old attachment kicked to pull me back. "

I can relate to your feeling controlled by attachments, aren't we all to some extent! Do you still think it's nonsense to be in love? And where are you up to in developing a career & life purpose? In terms of conventional psychology, I'd say the basics are around sorting our love lives and careers, I think Freud said something like that. 

What is your understanding of reality now? Big question of course, to cut to the chase, what in your reality is making you unhappy? If it's attachments then that's a good place to work on now. Maybe you could share the details but I totally understand if not. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

@28 cm unbuffedunbuffedunbuffedunbunbuf

I live in Denmark and work 2pm-10pm my time atm. I have Mondays off tho ?

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@snowyowl

About love - I don't think it's nonsense to be in love, quite the contrary - I've never experienced it and this concept fascinates me. I would like to experience that for sure in this lifetime. 

I am currently working on my life purpose, which is my YouTube channel, I love doing that, it brings me a lot of joy and really improves me in a lot of areas in my life. 

I'm unhappy because of relationships basically. I don't have any real friend. I had only one girlfriend in my life and it was just a prolonged one night stand in which I stayed for a year and a half, because I triggered a trauma (trauma bond). Breakup got me into self-development in which I am till this day, still lonely, not even sure for how long now - 5, 6 years? She was the only person I had sex with too. What is more, she got all of the positive energy from me in sexual exchange, I got of her negative energy. She started a business, got married, all of the good stuff, I am still alone, working on myself. 

I was dating this one girl, that turned out to be a hooker, a crazy one (a lot of lying, gaslighting, manipulation and ghosting in the end). 

I work every second of every day now, without excuses, still, my life is a miserable prison. The amount of trauma healing and work I have already done is unhuman. Don't know anyone who went through so much suffering and pain. 

My understanding of reality? I think I understand a lot, I'm a knowledge maniac, I watched Leo a lot in the past, still watching a lot of videos, reading, etc. Why do you ask?

@WaveInTheOcean

Thank you for info, I'll try to contact you if I'll have any time. Thank you

 

[snowyowl]

@28 cm unbuffed  sorry to hear about all the trauma and pain, loneliness is a tough one because we can end up stuck in a loop with the loneliness sapping confidence, feeling a bit depressed and making it harder to go out and meet people.  You seem to be putting most of your energy into your work, well that's good but I sense that you'd like friends too, so I'd suggest taking some time away from work to socialise a bit and break out of the loop. 

I asked about reality because of your comment I quoted in my previous post - it sounded like you had a breakthrough understanding reality, the meaning of life and attachments. If so have you got a better insight into what makes you happy and unhappy, and what to do about it?  Looking back over my life, I've had long periods of depression, unemployment and loneliness too, spiritual practice alone wasn't a magic wand to sort me out, I guess it took a while to appreciate the importance of relationships and  career, as well as conventional help from counsellors and doctors. 

You seem to look back on your last girlfriend as the cause of your negative energy in the last 5 or 6 years - time to let go now surely? 

I just subscribed to your YT channel but then realised most of it is in Polish, never mind I'll have a watch anyway  

[28 cm unbuffed]

@snowyowl

Wow you seem such a nice guy. Thank you for your help. 

About the reality - I had similar insight as Leo I think - I realised that it is all a dream and I can go on another level (another incarnation), but I chose to stay and continue this dream. I felt guilty as fuck. It was all triggered by my spiritual awakening and shadow integration afterwards. I reached another level of this dream, dark night pushed me into going after material stuff, women, fame, etc. 

Also about the understanding - I feel like I don't exist anymore, I'm in a flowstate all the time and my sense of self is like everywhere and nowhere all the time. It's pretty strange feeling. Even tho I feel guilty, depressed, I can't resist being lived and moved by lifeforce.