This classic worried parent dynamic hurts my feelings

[Lyubov]

I feel a little angry and unsupported by my parents and it hurts my feelings some. I don't like their dynamic about how they worry about me and think I'm this overly reckless person making dangerous decisions with my life but both act this dynamic out in that sort of mom and dad way. The overly neurotic mom and the aloof uncaring dad. My mom has this neurotic approach where it seems like she is hyper focused, way too much in her thoughts/worries and controlling and projects her worry out onto me and is critical in this passive aggressive way and then my dad is just sort of aloof and has this sort of like "let him do whatever the fuck he wants  it isn't my problem, I don't wanna argue" ; which then hurts my feelings like he doesn't care about me or is lazy and unwilling of sharing his thoughts cause he wan't to avoid an argument with me and he is lacking wisdom to share with me which he doesn't have. I wish they were both in the middle. I think yall know the dynamic I'm talking about, seen it in the movies. The overly worried mom and the dad telling her to calm down and not care. Overly caring mom complaining to the dad and the dad being like CALM DOWN KAREN and then her yelling at him and him being quiet rolling his eyes like whatever. I don't think there is anything to do about it persay. Just set my boundaries and let go of any conflict or resistance to it. I don't wanna change my parents and I don't wanna put that energy on them to change cause it doesn't feel good to me. Just makes me a little sad that one doesn't seem to trust me and the other doesn't seem to care.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Lyubov

[Preety_India]

You can't change your parents. The harsh truth is that you must not allow parents to impact you.

Lessen your interactions with them. Move out or distract yourself away from them. ☚ 

 

[Lyubov]

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

You can't change your parents. The harsh truth is that you must not allow parents to impact you.

Lessen your interactions with them. Move out or distract yourself away from them. ☚ 

 

True, and like I said I do not want to change them. Feels awful wishing to see another person change. It's not for me and I feel much better accepting people how they are. There is a part of me though that feels a sort of innocence and hurt however. Both are true for me. Just makes me sad there is this aspect to life sometimes. It doesn't ruin our relationship. We still manage to see each other about once every week to every other week, but I think I have some releasing on and perhaps some better boundaries to set with telling them I don't want to discuss something. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by Lyubov

[Eternity]

In a perfect world, you and everyone else would have perfect parents.  My parents weren't perfect and I haven't been either.  They can only do the best they can with what they know, and if they knew better, they'd do better.  From my perspective I see your parents as two sides of the same coin.  Each of them is overcompensating for what they see as the other one's flaws.  Your mom is a helicopter parent because she doesn't think your dad is involved enough.  And your Dad is uninvolved because he thinks your Mom is over involved.  They are both parenting by trying to make up for what they think the other one is doing wrong.  And they are both unaware how much their back-and-forth is affecting you.  I think your parents both care about you a lot and love you to pieces.  That is why they are each trying to compensate for the other one so hard.  They mean well toward you.  They want the best for you.  You are the apple of both their eyes.  But they cannot see themselves the way you do.  Your mother needs to feel she can influence you for the best.  So she overprotects you and warns you and watches you, just in case. I don't see her as suspicious of you, just a little too protective.   And your Dad doesn't want you to grow up being a Mama's boy, so he tries to show you trust by saying you should be left alone to make your own decisions.  It would help if you could all communicate better so they will realize their mistakes and you can speak honestly about how  you  feel.  Family counseling can be a great help in getting everyone on the same page.  If you don't feel you can say you want to try it to their faces, why don't you write each of them a note explaining that you are feeling lonely and would like some family counseling so they can communicate better or at least counseling for yourself.  Don't tell them you don't like their parenting.  That will just make them defensive.  Just tell them how you feel confused sometimes and need help figuring things out.  Explain you'd like a professional to help make sense of your confusion.  A loving parent won't turn you down on this.  And if you want to have a strong relationship with them without feeling over or under parented the rest of your life, give it a try.

[Lyubov]

38 minutes ago, Eternity said:

In a perfect world, you and everyone else would have perfect parents.  My parents weren't perfect and I haven't been either.  They can only do the best they can with what they know, and if they knew better, they'd do better.  From my perspective I see your parents as two sides of the same coin.  Each of them is overcompensating for what they see as the other one's flaws.  Your mom is a helicopter parent because she doesn't think your dad is involved enough.  And your Dad is uninvolved because he thinks your Mom is over involved.  They are both parenting by trying to make up for what they think the other one is doing wrong.  And they are both unaware how much their back-and-forth is affecting you.  I think your parents both care about you a lot and love you to pieces.  That is why they are each trying to compensate for the other one so hard.  They mean well toward you.  They want the best for you.  You are the apple of both their eyes.  But they cannot see themselves the way you do.  Your mother needs to feel she can influence you for the best.  So she overprotects you and warns you and watches you, just in case. I don't see her as suspicious of you, just a little too protective.   And your Dad doesn't want you to grow up being a Mama's boy, so he tries to show you trust by saying you should be left alone to make your own decisions.  It would help if you could all communicate better so they will realize their mistakes and you can speak honestly about how  you  feel.  Family counseling can be a great help in getting everyone on the same page.  If you don't feel you can say you want to try it to their faces, why don't you write each of them a note explaining that you are feeling lonely and would like some family counseling so they can communicate better or at least counseling for yourself.  Don't tell them you don't like their parenting.  That will just make them defensive.  Just tell them how you feel confused sometimes and need help figuring things out.  Explain you'd like a professional to help make sense of your confusion.  A loving parent won't turn you down on this.  And if you want to have a strong relationship with them without feeling over or under parented the rest of your life, give it a try.

thanks for the great post. I will say this, I think my parent's intentions are very much out of love and caring for me. I actually don't wanna change them and don't wish that on them cause it doesn't feel good to me. I feel quite accepting of them even though this does hurt my feelings a bit. I'm a grown man by the way so we aren't going to counseling lol. I also do agree that telling them I don't like how they act like this isn't a good idea. I think letting go on this to the resistance and just setting reasonable boundaries will help. Maybe addressing it a bit in a non-confrontational and non-judgemental way if I feel my boundaries overstepped. My parents are quite reasonable and not toxic when I bring stuff up in a healthy way. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by Lyubov