I want a life worth living

[Mintberrycrunch]

Hi

I first came across self-help and actualization a few years back and at the time the topic seemed perfect for my situation. I have had serious emotional problems since my early teens. I have been depressed a lot of my life and suicidal for a lot of it too. When I first started learning about enlightenment, self-help and psychology I became elated, almost manic. In the first few months I had mystical experiences and ego-shattering realizations but at some point I just kind of, gave up. I think I got scared as I was losing my sense of self and I was so frightened that I haven't picked it up seriously since then. I would meditate for hours a day, contemplate infinity and repeat mantras to myself for hours and hours. At this point in my life I felt like I saw god for the first time and I just sort of... forgot about it. relationships and especially performing in school got in the way.

Right now, however, I am at a point in my life where I am lost, depressed, lethargic and at times still suicidal. 

Here's a timeline that I hope will paint a picture of my behavioral pattern:

Age 13: Didn't know where I fit in, decided on the emo kids, started cutting, became depressed

Age 16: Started smoking weed, hung out with losers, experimented with stimulants like cocaine

Age 19: Started high-school, dropped out, started again, dropped out, started again, almost finished missing only 2 exams, dropped out again

Age 21: Was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts and plans, stayed a week, worked basic jobs

(I was diagnosed as bipolar type 2 and I don't take medication, I don't know if I should)

I am now 23: I work a delivery job, I don't do drugs anymore except the occasional joint, I jump from wanting to be a psychologist to being a full-time day trader, to starting my own business but overall I'm unhappy


My typical behavioral pattern consists of making a plan and a vision for a life that I deem worth living, I then start implementing and then I give up and become angry, depressed and suicidal. I tell myself to take small steps because obviously this is not working, but I feel almost incapable of doing that. Whenever I start exercising on a regular basis or fix my diet as means of changing my status quo, I almost immediately make plans for my entire life, strict schedules, days filled to the brim with tasks. 

I don't want to die. I want to have purpose and drive. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing happens. 

My biggest wish is for a concrete guide that can, first of all lift me out of this state of mind where It feels like I cant do anything and where I don't know what I want in my life and where I am depressed and suicidal. How do I practically go about doing that?

a) Lifting myself out of depression, is it foolish to think that I can do so without medication?
b) Figuring out what I want to do with my life?

I am very unhappy with my life and I feel powerless, please give me some advice.

 

Thank you in advance!

[Mintberrycrunch]

[Mintberrycrunch]

Thanks Leo. I'm all better now.

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Mintberrycrunch said:

How do I practically go about doing that?

First step is willingness & open mindedness. You have to accept that what ends up working for you won’t be similar to what you’ve tried which didn’t work. What works will initially not seem like it will work, and you’ll reject and minimize it.  

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a) Lifting myself out of depression, is it foolish to think that I can do so without medication?

Take the path of least resistance directly to your well being. If you can, talk to someone who’s already done what you’re aiming to do. Makes for less rollercoaster of reinventing the wheel. 

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b) Figuring out what I want to do with my life?

Start a dreamboard. Take Leo’s LP Course. 

[EmptyInside]

Try to create some space between your identity and the diagnosis. Sometimes when we are "diagnosed" with a behavioral condition, we perpetually stigmatize ourselves by continuing to see ourselves as the diagnosis or as our hospitalization history, etc. Be aware that your mind is always comparing yourself to others and this is where much suffering comes from. When I, an extreme introvert with social anxiety, compare myself to extraverted social butterflies, I feel pretty bad about myself, But why am I comparing myself to them? I'm not like them at all and that's okay. There have been days when I struggled with similar feelings to what you describe. It's easy for people to say things like "You need more meaning and purpose in your life. Get off your but and find something you enjoy doing. Something you're passionate about.". Well, chances are many of them have not faced any periods of feeling emotionally paralyzed to such an extent that there is a thick cloud of despair looming over, with the ability to even think of anything that brings joy being temporarily non-existent. I know that place. It's a very painful and lonely-feeling place. See if this video helps. It helped put some things in perspective for me regarding the same types of feelings you describe. And I know, it's not Leo's, but it's still a great video in my opinion.

 

[Mintberrycrunch]

@Nahm great answer. thank you!