Seeking Advice/Clarity - I can only visualize when I feel extreme hatred

[BipolarGrowth]

The main question I have is, what is your best understanding or theory that can describe why hatred, specifically homicidal imaginations with true desire behind them, is the only thing capable of allowing me to visualize things? It’s like a switch being flipped from 1% visualization capabilities to 99% visualization capabilities. My mental health is very stable currently; I don’t need any advice related to that. 
 

As a child, I spent a significant amount of time reading fiction books. I was able to visualize quite well. It was like watching a movie but of course a little toned down from that. The most surreal visualization I’ve ever had happened maybe around 6-8 years old. I was sitting in church, and I envisioned myself as a roughly 50 ft tall demon tearing the church goers apart in gruesome detail. The visualization was so complete that it wouldn’t have been that much different if I was actually experiencing that as a demon with my eyes wide open. This was fueled by pure hatred. It was not that I was having fun imagining some scenario. I wanted to literally destroy everyone around me. There were no significant triggers for this that I can identify. I generally was just bored in church. I didn’t hate being there or anyone there really other than I’d rather be playing games or doing other more stimulating kid stuff. 
 

Around the beginning of high school, I stopped reading fiction. I shifted my focus to just playing video games in that same free time. I think this was around the time I lost the ability to visualize things in my mind. I didn’t completely lose the ability to do this, but it became far more difficult. Now I can hardly visualize anything. I can get momentary glimpses but even then it’s nothing compared to before. I hardly ever experience hatred or anger. 
 

Last year I had my first ever hospitalization for suicide/depression. I was dead set on going through with suicide, but I was stopped by friends and family. As I was unable to carry out the act as I was in the hospital, I developed an intense hatred within me. I became overrun with homicidal thoughts. As soon as this happened, I was able to visualize in a hyper-realistic way again. What mechanisms are at action here? I’ve experienced plenty of other intense emotional states. None other than hatred seems to have this effect in me.