In my deepest moments of terror

[Preety_India]

I remember how terrified I felt in 2015 because an indian dude wouldn't stop stalking me. 

I felt he was going to rape me. 

There were moments where even stepping outside my house felt like a  complete terror. 

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I put so many nightmarish experiences behind me 

I had to face so many fears. 

Survival fears. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I had a dream one day. An old woman appeared in that dream. She looked somewhat like the picture below.. 

She asked me "why are you crying?" "why are you so scared?"

I could not utter a word. 

I looked at her with fear. 

I felt helpless. How could I tell her what I felt? She was a stranger after all.. 

 

 

And her eyes kept searching through me. 

And she said "you're so beautiful. "

And those words broke me.. Tears rolled down my face. 

Someone had said to me that I was beautiful, something I hadn't expected from some stranger. 

I felt like God had come to me in my time of despair to tell me that I was beautiful, that my heart was beautiful. I was a beautiful soul.. And this existence was difficult. 

Then an old man appeared. An old indian man. 

I looked at him with fear. But he looked at me kindly and told me that there was nothing to fear.. He wouldnt touch or rape me. He told me I was safe and had nothing to worry. 

He called me his daughter.. 

 

 

His spirit was like a lightning rod. 

His spirit made me feel  protected and belonged. 

He morphed. 

He looked like this. He was holding an axe in his hand. 

 

I felt like the girl in the back. 

 

 

I felt trapped. I felt like I was in a jail. 

 

 

But he told me that he will kill the beast and free me. 

That no man would be able to touch me. 

 

 

He told me I was free.. 

And then he morphed again. 

This time he looked like an Indian guru. A sadhu. 

 

And he looked straight into my eyes. 

He said to me that nothing is permanent. 

And that I had to find my way back to God. That's where I would find peace. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I felt like nobody understood me. 

I felt like I was dying. 

 

[Preety_India]

There is just nobody to hug me. 

 

[Preety_India]

How long could I carry on feeling helpless, unloved, miserable 

 

I wanted a shoulder to cry on, a body to hug. 

Someone that could hold me and say there is nothing to fear. 

 

[Preety_India]

If I ever die, even accidentally, my spirit will haunt this forum. 

 

My spirit will haunt every place where I felt upset. 

 

 

I didn't deserve the life I was given. 

 

 

There were just too many things that went wrong and nothing was in my hands. 

 

[Preety_India]

There is a troll in the journal section right now. And I'm terrified of him.. 

I don't want the same person to be back again. 

 

Is it M?

[Preety_India]

I'm terrified of this person and right now they are traveling through the forum at lightening fast speed. 

I want to avoid this person. I feel a sense this person knows me. 

 

[Preety_India]

I know this person doesn't have good intentions. 

This is what I fear about this place. 

Anybody can come in here. 

 

[Preety_India]

This person is constantly looking at my topics. 

They are obsessed with me. 

They are purposely browsing through my stuff. 

They know me. 

And they just want to leave me a calling card. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm not sure if I know this person. Maybe I know them. Maybe I don't. I don't know. 

This person is constantly looking at my topics. 

They are obsessed with me. 

They are purposely browsing through my stuff. 

They know me. 

And they just want to leave me a calling card. 

They want me to know that it's them. 

Maybe they want something out of me. 

Maybe they want to say hi and then smirk at me. 

They know that im feeling vulnerable. 

That's why they aren't talking directly to me. 

But they did mention me. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The best strategy right now is to be completely silent and simply carry on with my work and not bother myself too much by this person's presence. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Act like I don't know this person at all. 

That will keep them off me. Throw them off. 

So they won't notice me. 

Right now I'm safe. 

 

At least for the time being. 

 

[Preety_India]

From the way they talk,  it feels like they are a male 

Could be. 

Thank God this person isn't talking to me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Thank God, their attention is deflected. 

They are talking to someone else. So most likely I'll be left alone 

I don't have to worry. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Thank God they didn't check my profile. 

. I'm feeling very sensitive today 

 

This journal is my only protection. 

 

[Preety_India]

There was this guy called M (think of the most generic name that starts with M) and he was on this website when I first came here

He used to tease me and flirt with me and act like he wanted to pet me (sexual innuendo )

I was naive back then. I began to fall in love with him because he was being too intimate with me. 

Then I decided not to talk to him because I felt unsafe. 

He then began to stalk me. 

He left me for a while and came back last year. 

Praised me for my journal work and disappeared  

It seems it is him again. 

His name matches with the name of a moderator here... If you know what I mean. 

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Anyway I'll leave for a while and then come back and resume my work. 

I'll wait till this person has left and maybe then I'll feel relieved. 

 

[Preety_India]

So I went away and came back and the stalker is still here