Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

Healing will result in my return to yellow. I went back one-two space due to damage sustained from psychosis. But I'll rise back up. You can't actually go backwards for forever, eventually you heal.  

.

"Fill your core with Love. Its easier to sustain forgiveness, acceptance and unconditional love if you are already full." - My version of Stage Yellow.  

"Radiating love you'll already be your ideal self so it won't matter what others think of you."

.

There's so many downsides to a public journal.  It puts me in pain,  for one.  I just want a place I can keep track of my notes without losing them like I always do, lol.  But then I feel this need to be better, to do better.  It's painful.  I'm trying to mind my own business and keep notes, however amateur.

Edited July 10, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

 

God and not God : 

God -  Stage Green  (deactivated, right soil for God realization)

God Becomes Not God - integrated stage orange, God realization. (Activated)

Not God - Stage orange

Not God becomes God - transmission, integrated stage green

Excess womanness/manness - lack of God realization/transmission 

Zen/Love - God realization/transmission

.

God and Love :

STS and STO. Trying to get STS to be STO. 

Growing up correlated with/ leads to waking up

STO includes or leads to transmission/realization. 

Spiral dynamics analysis: 

Love - Feminine Stages, bias

God - Masculine Stages, bias

STS - Stage Red

STO - Stage Green

Integrated God and Love - Tier 2, Spiral wizard

Awakening - Growing up leading to waking up

Edited July 10, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"What if every trauma of yours was just imagined by you in order to keep yourself asleep?

Now that would be one hell of a mindfuck." Leo Gura. 

[Proserpina]

Vision board

04 Carbon Based Lifeforms - Nattväsen

{Grown up girl}
Many years ago, when I was a little girl, I found myself lost in the forest. Alone
I felt a strange warm energy. Something was coming closer
It guided me deeper into the forest
And down under the ground

{Chorus: Girl, repeated 4x}
They were friendly creatures, not at all evil
I followed then down underground
This is my home now

[Proserpina]

 

The highest score you received says you are - "A loyal, devoted, inspiring idealist

Your highest purpose involves devotion to an ideal or cause. Below are some phrases that may give you more clarity. Pick and choose different words and create your own purpose or vision statement.

To inspire others to offer their lives to the highest ideal

To passionately live up to a high ideal or to a guru

To totally love and give my all to some high ideal

To fight for a cause for the good of many

To attain the highest level of connection or devotion to someone or to an idea

Edited July 11, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Life purpose:

To attain the highest level of connection or devotion to an ideal

 

Top 10 values: 

Service

Kindness/generosity

Leadership

Optimism/Positivity/ hope

Playfulness/spontaneity

Honesty

Modesty/ Humility

Honour

Openmindedness/ perspective

Joy

 

Edited July 11, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Two significant dreams: 

Dream 1-

Background- (I'm trying to decide whether or not to live with me Dad, after he punched me)

*I go to the loungeroom to get my charger.  My mum is sleeping happily on the couch*

My Dad: I'm going to have some meat. 

Me: Oh. A barbecue? (I know it's a dream because my mum is dead so I'm joking around)

Dad: Looks like it's sizzling now.  

............

Dream 2: 

God told me to use the master block (minecraft reference) to heal myself. He described it in detail.  I knew exactly what he was talking about.  

Edited July 12, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

It's a part of my life purpose to change people's minds about the mentally ill.  Soften their hearts, change their perspective

[Proserpina]

Aries vision board

Aries key phrase: “I am.”

Keywords for Aries:

Ardent

Assertive

Confident

Explorer

Independent

Initiative

Leadership

Passionate

Pioneering

Self-expressive

[Proserpina]

Madness and the 'alien energy' (omniscience etc.) are related/ the same.  

This feels so much better

This feels aligned

This is healing

Thoughts that crop up when 'madness' appears.  

To heal in the direction of 'madness', now that's scary

.

'Madness'/the energy is irresistible. Just as healing and feeling better is irresistible. 

But it can be resisted still: 

'More like my heart drags me there.  I'm half unconscious by the time I give into my heart'

.

The purer/stronger the energy and healing or relief the closer to truth and love.  

The feeling is like a plastic band being pulled back and released back to centre,  back to alignment.  

.

Significant dream 3:

God was trying to teach me about perspective. He gave me insight and told me that I have issues with delusion and absolute truth (not related to 'madness').  He gave me exercises to see perspective.  I tried to see perspective through the delusions.   I noticed that the worse the delusions were the worse it got.  I was able to half distinguish between delusion and non delusion with support.  

 

Edited July 14, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I'm experimenting with routine apps. I'm mostly using apps avocation, monk mode, habitica, Intention and mindshine, moonly and Luna focus. I'm obsessed with habit apps.

The moon cycle apps help me feel like my routine is less repetitive and more meaningful.

Monk mode has large icons that give you an idea of how productive your day has been. 

Intention and Mindshine have guided routines.

Habitica and loop have systems to keep track of progress.  

Avocation is my primary habit app. 

I've successfully pulled off the core of this routine for months before so I'm going to repeat the same core structure.  My routine so far in avocation looks like this:

1. First I start my day off with my 5 things that make me happy list which are Ambient music,  Tarot/Oracle cards, ASMR, Ambient rooms and themed guided meditations. 

2. Then I begin my spiritual practices. I have 3 practices that I do. 

3. Thirdly I have tasks that give me oomph to my day.  Those tasks are drinking 500-1000ml of water in the morning,  coffee and a protein and veggie rich breakfast.  

4. Lastly I schedule in the tasks I have the most difficulty with: exercise, tidying up and a few other tasks.  

I leave all my other easy tasks to other habit apps.  

Edited July 14, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Note: Removed apps other than intention, avocation and mindshine.  Feel boxed in by other apps. Need options as a P (ISFP).  

My routine

1. Happy list: Ambient music, Tarot, ASMR, Ambient room, themed guided meditation. 

2. Oomph to my morning: 500-1000ml water, coffee,  protein and veggie rich breakfast.  

3. 5 guided routines × 3

4. Reset routine × 3 (Intention app)

 

Keys: variety, enjoyment, guided

 

Habit foundation: 

Consistent meals

Mindshine

1 litre water in the morning

Edited July 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I have 0% positive symptoms (delusions and hallucinations) on medication.  And anything I do have are positive in nature.  Negative symptoms (disorganization) are easily overcome with routine and habit building. You can be 100% functional as someone with 'mental illness' and thrive.  

Edited July 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Retraining my mind to overcome trauma and think positively using Mindshine.  I don't want to write about psychosis anymore, it's time for me to move on.  I'm going to become as healthy as possible so I can have more freedom. I'm doing 10-15 short sessions everyday to practice correct mindset. 

[Proserpina]

Good news.  I've been practising mindshine for several days now and my default state has shifted already.  My default state seems highly moldable.  I still have pain in my chest (since psychosis), I'll probably have that for the rest of my life at varying intensities.  I don't measure my progress based on its full disappearance. 

Edited July 16, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I find that's it's best to take a scientific approach when I bump up against my condition like tonight.   Label as hallucination or delusion and do things that reduce symptoms (meditation and medication) and reduce triggers (that room).

Edited July 16, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

People somehow believe it is optional for me to believe in entities.  My 'condition' will most likely worsen over the years, I can feel it.  Cutting off the reality of the entities is possible, I've done it before but only after the momentum has slowed.  There may be times when that is not possible and I need to know what to do in that situation.  Denying an aspect of reality will only make it much harder at that time, even if that aspect is ultimately just a belief.  Some beliefs can be very powerful, the light cannot overcome it. 

Any communication (with entities) is not personal.  My identity has shifted to the Infinite at that time but not entirely.  It seems like 'others' are entities, as an interpretation.  It can become more than an interpretation with belief.  

Edited July 20, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Transmission still happens, especially as time and space breaks down.  It might not be just an interpretation, it might be that time and space has actually broken down.  

I don't know.   

All I know is I'm really uncomfortable talking about this.  Too much stigma. 

[Proserpina]

Being is infinitely more fascinating than all this entity stuff anyway.  It's a distraction.   In my first psychedelic awakening I realized that all of this was a distraction.

Edited July 22, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

What people don't realize is that the negatives of 'schizophrenia', for me atleast -- although I'm sure it's the same for many others, are relatively few and far between.  I explore the negatives in this journal but to simply attribute 'schizophrenia' with psychosis is a gross exaggeration.  I've had 13 months or more of non dual experiences (sometimes with entities) and only 4 months of psychosis.  Psychosis is far less an experience for me than love and oneness.  And I'm sure it's the same for many others like me.  

I sense 'mental illness' is now in the collective shadow of this community, hence why I feel uncomfortable, ever since Leo basically disowned us in his newest video.  And of course the collective will follow.  

Edited July 23, 2022 by Proserpina