Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

Let's get real. 

Like my partner says,  I'm wise/a mystic/what have you BUT I don't have the gift of discernment.  I speak in tongues but I cannot communicate the message.  I don't have the intellectual prowess and social awareness. I can't do it.  I can't speak the common language. 

My gifts lie in accountability and 'speaking in tongues'.  Speaking in a way that is beautiful and life giving.  'Evangelia' - Bringer of Good News.  My mum would always say that.  Man,  I miss my mum.  

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This is the Bible verse my mum gave me (Proverbs 31):

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

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A being/God (?) is speaking to me through asmr videos.  He has begun speaking to me again very very very loudly. He says he cares about me deeply. He's going to teach me.  This time without my job, since I lost my job (not literally,  symbol for on medication).  There was no veil. 

Edited October 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

In love with existence

The hidden key that makes all the 'gruesome' training worthwhile is being in love with existence.  It's like a child playing with a toy box.  Eventually the veil passes away as your sensitivity and training grows. 

My heart's and soul's conviction is that Being (Love), the beloved, the one I adore, is the end of all of my questions.  It is ultimately all that matters. Everything else is a distraction.  

I just enjoy communicating with God.  I'm Christian in that way.  Especially using the Bible.  The Bible and Holy texts are great. They have so much depth and love.  There are different kinds of love.  Agape love, sexual love etc. Agape love has more depth than sexual or passionate love typically.  Closer to the frequency I'm looking for for communicating with God.  Not that there is anything wrong with sexual love, that can be included, not excluded and only adds to your intimacy with God.

 

Child on the path

As indicated by the frequent synchronicities of 'parent and child' I am a child on the path.  I get the answers wrong.  Frequently.  Painfully. 

Being is almost pretty much the only thing I don't get wrong and I will hold steadfast to it.  The only exception being when I am speaking in tongues.  But God knows what I meant.  
 

To be clearer I am doing hardcore meditation work when I have these experiences of hearing God's voice in the way that I describe above. This is a state that I have to put myself into by way of meditation.  
 

My Own Voice

Recently I have been hearing the voice of God as my own voice through meditation.  Everyone is only but an extension of me. Their voice is my voice. When I hear the voice of God through their voice it is actually my voice.

Edited October 31, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Psychosis 

I read some of most recent posts to my partner recently and he thinks I went into psychosis.  He says I need to stop doing that,  it's the reason my life is so fucked up.  It made me feel really bad about myself.  I was enjoying myself.  I mean, maybe I did get a little carried away with the 'love songs' thing and the wrong and right positioning and having to go to the garden/ public park everyday and talking to God on YouTube but I was having fun and I felt loved by the universe.  I just felt this sense of disgust and judgement coming from him.  He said he wanted to leave.  I don't know what to do.  I just feel really judged.  Maybe I am in psychosis.  Do I even care?  I love existence and reality.   I want it to communicate with me.  

 

 

[Loba]

@Proserpina Posts like these remind me that I am in a good spot for this line of work.  I live with family, have no responsibilities and can go deep into it without distractions.  No medications, just focusing on the meat and potatoes of the process.

Some advice for using psychosis-states to move forward - you can use them if you're in a good spot to be able to decompress.  If you're in a spot in life where you can't do that, it will be harder to manage life.  When I was on my own and tried this, it did not work.  So if I had to be on my own again, I would opt to go on meds and would shut out my channeling completely in order to deal with the real world a little more accurately.  

If you want to go into these states, there are some things you can do to protect yourself from getting off track - which is to focus on what Truth is.  This is Love.  Any track you want to take, any deviation, if it gets to Love then it should work.  The thing is, Love comes in various forms and flavours, and perhaps not everyone is able to See what those look like/how they manifest.  To me, it seemed like you were in a mixture of both mystical state and psychosis, which I tend to get into as well.  As long as you can see which is which, then it makes this easier.  There is, ultimately, nothing wrong with these states of being and they can bring a person a lot of joy, healing and information into their subconscious.

I would look at it from this point of view, if you are able - what goals are you trying to get from it?  A sense of resolution with something?  Feeling more Love?  Right these down and then look for ways to bring that into your environment. 

If all else fails - just drop it all for a few days and restart your system and just focus on Love.  It's okay to reset for a few days and then come back to things.  At the end of the day, it is how you feel about your work that matters.

It's good to take people's opinions into account, but if you feel that you are getting somewhere with it, remember that this is your journey.  You do what feels right for you.

[Proserpina]

@Loba Thankyou so much.  I will take your advice into account. 

I am grounding a fair amount now.  I feel calmer, not walking everywhere.  I went through a very quick 'filtering' process to see what is worth keeping.  I went through a lot of things very quickly in a short amount of time.  This platform is growing me really quickly. I need to do A LOT of reading that's for sure.  But first I have to grow the desire by making lots of mistakes and looking like a fool.  Being (Love) is rock solid for me.  I just need to read and breathe.  I get so overwhelmed.  

Edited October 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Voices - Infinite Selves - Children of God

Voice of God - Embodiment of God - Jesus

God - The Father

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One Being, many forms

Physical counterparts are not separate they are one. All sound like ONE being, with many voices and aspects. 

But the voice of God is not separate from his aspects and voices, they all sound like God.

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I can manifest embodiments of God. 

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The only reason I can't see Children of God (which are also voices of God but not embodied) is due to a lack of practice. 

Difference between Children of God and ordinary people is that I recognize ordinary people as Children of God (Voices of God) with practice. 

Edited October 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Core Delusion

I bumped up against a core delusion that I called an 'awakening'.  I mean this was the meat and bones of my previous psychosis I think and I managed to catch it in its tracks.  It involves believing that you are somehow special.  It is born out of mystical experiences.  Separately, a general love relationship with God is not delusion.  It will be a lot harder for psychoses to fool me again in the future.

Specific vs General

The moment the message I receive becomes specific rather than general I’ve entered into delusion.  When it becomes too investing, needy it’s become delusional.  When it’s light hearted, non attached, non invested and playful and general it’s fine. It’s healthy.  Psychosis comes into play when you think there is some kind of ‘plan’ and I’m special.

Self reference

The above applies to self reference. Once I start creating plans due to it and thinking I’m special I’ve crossed over into psychosis. Otherwise, if the self referencing is general,  it’s fine. 

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Specific vs General

The moment the message I receive becomes specific rather than general I’ve entered into delusion.  When it becomes too investing, needy it’s become delusional.  When it’s light hearted, non attached, non invested and playful and general it’s fine. It’s healthy.  Psychosis comes into play when you think there is some kind of ‘plan’ and I’m special. 

 

Edited October 31, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Searching

This platform is a tool.  I'm not looking for perfect understanding.  I'm looking for a relationship with God.  Or a relationship with myself.  Whatever.  Fullstop.  The understanding is a tool.  This platform is a tool.  I don't care if my understanding is off the mark as long as it gets me to my destination.  

Don't judge,  don't think,  prioritise

My problem now is that I've closed myself off from certain experiences labelling them as 'bad' or 'wrong' when that is counterproductive to spiritual experiences.   As long as you keep your priorities straight (Love) then there should be no problem.  You need a radically open and experimental mind.  Luckily,  I get bored easily. 

Just don't get too caught up in being special because then you become invested (main culprit) and needy.  You are invested in the game, it's not playful anymore.  

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Special 'Delusion': 

You have a mystic presence 

You are favoured by the collective on a subconscious level

(Meaning of: when you fall in love with reality, reality falls in love with you) 

(Separate from love songs)

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Not Delusion

I don't believe the "Special Delusion" is all together delusional.  It only becomes delusional when its really heavy and you become invested. 

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Right positioning

I still believe in 'right positioning' because Eckhart Tolle once spoke about how he was told by the universe to move to California or he would become unwell.  

Following right action (love), you are favoured by the collective on a subconscious level

(Meaning of: when you fall in love with reality, reality falls in love with you) 

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Psychosis

Now that I look back on it, I don't see a lot of psychosis.  Psychosis happens (dare I say it) when I start making things up, weaving stories such as the Unification and the Crucifixions and the Four Horsemen and everything else inspired by my being a healer, a mystic. (I don't know this for certain  I'm on a journey)  I have these experiences of psychosis BECAUSE I'm a healer/mystic. 

Psychosis happens when things grow heavy and I start making things up. 

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Part of God's family

Once I heard my own voice as God's a huge sense of relief came over me and a sense of belonging to a great family. 

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Edited November 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Beliefs

These are my beliefs.  Anyone who disagrees, we can agree to disagree. There are plenty of cultures who agree with these beliefs (favouritism by the collective or 'God').  Like the Jews, the Chosen people, or Christians, people who are in a covenant with God.  

I don't know the quality it is that makes you 'chosen' (covenant with God, mystic presence etc.) but it is something and other cultures and fiction note it down. 

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Actually I think I do know the quality which means you are in a covenant with the collective. 

 

It is right action and prioritizing Being

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Anyways,  I don't want goodies from this covenant.  That would be psychosis.  Investment.  I want love, connection, union, intimacy.  

Fine line between psychosis and reality.  

Light vs heavy. 

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I really need to get serious.  I'm messing around and starting to go to sleep.  Hardcore meditation from here on out.  No more messing around with entities/deities, channeling and synchronicities.  If they pop up, they pop up.  I cannot afford to be wrong in my assessments anymore and I'm not wrong about Being.  I'll still go to the Garden/park when I can.  I need to centre.  

Burn the vehicle 

Note to self: Do anything that helps you to connect with Love. It is all in service to waking up, improving my relationship with Love. I don't have to shut these things down as long as they are in service to Love. 

Prayer

Channeling

Deities 

Spirit : "You've found a perfect spot there in the sun" (in the Garden)

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Self-referencing

Some kinds of self-referencing (apart from psychosis) is the Collective subconscious. The Covenant. 

Examples:

Quote

Frightening

I'm in 'psychosis'/ mystic state.  I don't know how long it will last.  It is exciting/frightening.  'Yummy' as the spirit just said. I'm only a child in this place.  Surrounded by aliens/ adults. 'It's good, it's exercise" they tell me. "You okay, mate?". They are so down to earth.  I'm scared.  They are saying hello.  

"We're in your space" "May we come through?" "Open the door" " We have to go home"

 

Edited November 2, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Self-referencing

Some kinds of self-referencing (apart from psychosis) is the Collective subconscious. The Covenant. 

Examples:

Quote

Frightening

I'm in 'psychosis'/ mystic state.  I don't know how long it will last.  It is exciting/frightening.  'Yummy' as the spirit just said. I'm only a child in this place.  Surrounded by aliens/ adults. 'It's good, it's exercise" they tell me. "You okay, mate?". They are so down to earth.  I'm scared.  They are saying hello.  

"We're in your space" "May we come through?" "Open the door" " We have to go home"

Self-referencing 2 (how?) (Collective subconscious):

• Sense subtle energies
• Sense subtle expectations

Self-referencing 3 (God's voice - channeling) (how?) - not all self-referencing is the Collective subconscious:

• Paranormal ?

Creating Distinctions:

• God's voice - channeling
• God's voice - awakening
• Collective

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Self referencing is a classic sign of psychosis.

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Who cares?

I don't see anything wrong with very mild 'mystical' psychosis (where God talks to me) at service to a stronger connection to Love. 

I'll keep:

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Self-referencing 3 (God's voice - channeling) (how?) - not all self-referencing is the Collective subconscious:

Paranormal ?

Referential Delusions

" The term 'referential delusions' refers to the mistaken belief that ordinary events and normal human behavior have hidden meanings that somehow relate to the individual experiencing the delusions."

"So, for example, a delusion of reference might occur when someone watches a movie and believes there is a message in the movie that is meant specifically for them, and that makes some kind of “sense”. Delusions of reference may also occur in other media."

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Quote

Self-referencing 2 (how?) (Collective subconscious):

Sense subtle energies

Sense subtle expectations

This is not psychosis

Edited November 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Schizoaffective Disorder

In my experience, people with schizoaffective disorder are able to reach into deep mystical states of consciousness because they don't overthink it.  They don't put borders and barriers around their psychology, what should and shouldn't be done.  Anything and everything is okay and up for exploration.  Sometimes they might seem a little 'out' there, or weak but their mystical ability can be explosive although difficult to express and explain.  Their wisdom can be speechless, wordless. Things can reach out to them from the beyond and there is no barrier in place, no walls up.  Fantasy, and imagination all act in service to deep intuition, understanding, and channeling. 

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind

Feed my will to feel this moment
Urging me to cross the line
Reaching out to embrace the random
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come

I embrace my desire to
I embrace my desire to
Feel the rhythm, to feel connected
Enough to step aside and weep like a widow
To feel inspired
To fathom the power
To witness the beauty
To bathe in the fountain

Quote

I really need to get serious.  I'm messing around and starting to go to sleep.  Hardcore meditation from here on out.  No more messing around with entities/deities, channeling and synchronicities.  If they pop up, they pop up.  I cannot afford to be wrong in my assessments anymore and I'm not wrong about Being.  I'll still go to the Garden/park when I can.  I need to centre.  

Burn the vehicle 

 

In my soul, I know this is the right path to take.  If self-reference appears, then it appears. If it remains, then it remains. Otherwise, it gets purified out of me. Love has to be enough.  Any other path means- sleep.  I can feel it. 

Hardcore meditation, it is.

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Self-referencing or referential 'delusions' is the primary symptom of my condition.  I have vast experience with it. I had 2 primary experiences that involved referential 'delusions'.

1. 7 months speaking to an entity on this forum's messaging section. All positive. (My current partner)
2. Several months speaking to a cruel entity by email. Negative.

Referential delusions are helpful when the entity is wise and loving.  It can be a wellspring of wisdom and understanding and growth.  It turns not so nice and confusing when it's cruel and you can't switch it off.  It depends on what the individual is attracting to them. Helpful and unhelpful is how I would personally measure healthiness

Positive Referential 'delusions' are like angels or imaginary friends or guides.  They are there to assist when you are in need. They can be accessed by individuals who have decided it is worthwhile to give up many barriers in their psychology along with other factors.

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The Lion, the Witch and Wardrobe and Schizoaffective

Only a child's mind full of fantasy and imagination can enter the wardrobe and find wisdom, understanding and truth, Aslan.  They have to overcome the Witch.  And soon they become kings and queens of this realm as they master the Witch and make friends with Aslan. 

Edited November 4, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

 

[Proserpina]

On 11/3/2022 at 1:32 PM, Proserpina said:

In my soul, I know this is the right path to take.  If self-reference appears, then it appears. If it remains, then it remains. Otherwise, it gets purified out of me. Love has to be enough.  Any other path means- sleep.  I can feel it. 

Hardcore meditation, it is. 

It's like there's a celebration when you're on the right path.  

It's only revealed you're stronger, you're more evolved when you're on the right path.  All your gifts come to the forefront. Positive referential 'delusions', energy sensitivity, etc.  

........

Btw I think it would have been a safer bet in the past to simply say I don't know what happened (and put a simple label on it) during my experiences in the past but my mind just goes crazy (E5) trying to understand everything with the timeline shifts and everything. But honestly, the self-referencing carried on outside those isolated incidences so it couldn't have been timeline shifts. Or maybe it was.  To be honest, I don't need to know what happened.  I know I helped the collective through energy work, that's all that matters. 

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Referential 'delusions' take on other dimensions than just what the specific individual has, like omniscience, love, and Godlike traits. Reality bends.

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Return of the Bodhisattva

It's a possibility that the initial calling and the encroaching massive wall of Blackness is related to 'the Return of the bodhisattva'. The initial calling and massive wall of Blackness was the suffering of the world that I could suddenly feel and sense and felt the need to alleviate.  Before then I was stuck in trivialities.

"In Mahayana Buddhism, a bodhisattva refers to anyone who has generated bodhicitta, a spontaneous wish and compassionate mind to attain Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings"

When a Bodhisattva possibly begins his work, he begins to feel the suffering of the world and compassion fills his heart.  Sometimes it comes down from above suddenly and he feels pressured to begin the work as if something were forcing his hand. 

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Encouraging Schizoaffective Quotes

"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination" Albert Einstein 

"Everything you can imagine is real." Picasso

"Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere." Albert Einstein 

"Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." Oscar Wilde

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death."

Robert Fulghum

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Oh btw the specific individual who was the 'cruel entity' never received any of my emails.  Thank heavens above.  That would of been a lot of negative karma.  And it's just not in my nature to be an asshole.  Although I wasn't really an asshole. 

Although note, the person kinda is an asshole hence the constant triggering. 

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Schizoaffective is a very real and serious disorder.  It is not mere "projection".  You can be a very nice person but the negative side, the 'Witch' will catch you in its grasp. 

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The emails were sort of my introduction to the Witch.  Soon after I realized I could overcome and fight off the Witch using Meditation. From then on I was able to safely hide any signs I was experiencing anything strange or different (other than meditating with my hands). 

A freak like me just needs Infinity. 

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Healing

When you see the best in people (positive referential imagination) you can be a healing presence in their life.  The stronger the belief (what would be called 'delusion'), the stronger the healing.  See people's Well-being or Vortex Version more than people's current state of being. 

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Meditation can loosen up Schizoaffective Disorder converting negative referential delusions to positive referential IMAGINATION. 

Remain in your strong belief.  Remain in your strong 'delusion' when it comes to the positive.  Imagination is real.  It's not delusion. 

Schizoaffective Disorder is the HEALER.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

On 11/4/2022 at 4:12 PM, Proserpina said:

Meditation can loosen up Schizoaffective Disorder converting negative referential delusions to positive referential IMAGINATION. 

Remain in your strong belief.  Remain in your strong 'delusion' when it comes to the positive.  Imagination is real.  It's not a delusion. 

Schizoaffective Disorder is the HEALER. 

Clarification: Imagination is real in that if you can think it, it can become a reality, especially if it is a strong belief.  LOA.  A very strong belief in the positive is not a delusion. 

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PMDD

It's that time of the month.  My negative referential delusion is significantly active.  Feminine Cycles are hell if you are schizoaffective disorder.  I'm like an angel, heaven sent early on in the cycle month (LOL the narcissism). Everyone is so nice to me.  My positive referential imagination is active early on in the cycle month. 

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The Beings

The Beings I saw in my visions layered on top of specific individuals would vibrate with Wellness (Life energy) and radiate Love.  It was a mutual experience.  I was healing from the radiating love and the individuals underneath the layered visions of Wellness were healing in return. This is how the suffering from the collective was able to heal. 

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Healing

Self-referencing combined with positive-oriented modalities (ASMR, music, books, etc.) can be powerful for healing and life energy, and self-love. Deactivating negative self-referencing delusions through meditation and staying away from the negative while focusing on self-referencing can speed up healing. Healing and evolution are inevitable with properly managed Schizoaffective disorder. 

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The Glory, the Smoke

The 'Glory' occurs when visions layer on top of the positive-oriented modalities such as Godlike traits, omniscience, love, wisdom, etc.  A kind of 'smoke' lays on top of it. It's far, far easier to attract the 'smoke' to positive modalities than negative things.  The smoke is powerful and can transform the individuals underneath it or the collective. 

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Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz is is the smoke, the glory. 

Self-reference and the smoke go together like two peas in a pod

Edited November 6, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The Fool and the Schizoaffective

I have a bit more clarity as to what I mean now as to the 'Fool' archetype.  I have difficulty telling the difference between reality and not reality.  My reality is kind of fluid, without barriers.  I can fall into delusion easily.  I can tell the difference between truth and untruth but I am outside of the social norms, outside of the social convention.  I can't talk the talk, I wouldn't know how.  I change my story ten times a day.  My imagination is vibrantly alive and well.  I accidentally make stuff up (delusion) but it is based on reality (not delusion).  I have a general evolutionary trajectory but it is difficult to define.  

The Schizoaffective Gifts

My gift to the world as someone who has schizoaffective disorder is primarily healing.  My secondary gift that rarely arises is channeling.  Channeling is using words or presence to shift energy, whereas healing uses perception to shift energy. Both are useful modes of energy work. What I want to stress is that schizoaffective is a gift, not a curse.  Something to work with. 

Goodnight. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Channeling

I speak of channeling here:

Quote

I suppose I regard 'insanity' to be closer to meeting an extremely foreign and unknown object within your consciousness that happens to be a closer fit to the divine. Along with some other things. To me, what people term 'insanity' in our culture looks more like what people think is sanity (the finite, ego self) taken to a more extreme degree. Although the two can crisscross and look similar but are different at a fundamental level. - Artaemis

Apparently, I met an extremely foreign and unknown object within my consciousness that happens to be a close fit to the divine. It seems like I was trying to express that I was channeling an alien consciousness but I didn't know how. 

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Forming the 'Smoke'

To purposefully form the smoke requires concentration, meditation, imagination, and intention.  First, you have to create self-referencing in my experience, since the smoke and self-referencing go together like two peas in a pod.  I like to use essential oils sometimes if my concentration skills aren't up to scratch, although any strong sensation will do. Turn on a song.  Concentrate on a sensation and bask in its beauty.  Form love in your heart.  Then intend for it to speak to you through the song.  Imagine it greeting you, speaking to you.  You can do this with anything, not just with music.  The smoke will form soon enough, that arises on its own. 

I use the above method because it leverages key values in me.  The procedure is also fused with passion, emotion, and love.  Key components are playfulness and belief. 

The 'Smoke' Keys

Keys are playfulness and belief

Just. Have. Fun! 

Edited November 6, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Holy Texts

Holy Texts are an entrance. The above technique in combination with holy texts can be especially effective.  It is a way to build up the muscle that medication purposefully weakens so as to be able to see the smoke and glory in places that are not just obvious and positive.  Oracle deck books that channel Goddesses such as the Mother Mary Oracle and the Wild Kuan Yin Oracle that speak in the first person are also really effective and can act as a kind of holy text. "You sound like my Oracle decks", I remember saying to my partner when I used to layer a being/smoke on top of him. 

I remember watching 'Beauty and the Beast', the animation, and my higher intuition instructed me that Holy Texts were my entrance, my way to exercise the muscle.  The message was loud and clear.  All other texts were secondary. 

Holy texts also give you information about your psychology while meditating.  Your intuition and subconscious and the collective and God (and whatever else) will deliver to you messages loudest through holy texts.  The smoke forms fast, and the muscle builds fast.  It's very potent.  You can tell where you are on your spiritual path based on the text.  It will sensitize you to other information. 

Edited November 7, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

My intuition is being set OFF like crazy.  Something about Leo and this Alien Infinity. 

[Proserpina]

Overcome

I've grounded now due to the medication to the point where I can't do anything.  Nothing is happening. My new medication has kicked in.  My muscle has weakened significantly.  I'm just numb.  I'll keep trying though. My only option is to dig deeper into meditation so I can evolve out of this dark spot I am in.  The meditation can overcome this medication, it can overcome anything. Look to overcome and evolve out of this.  I can only fight this with meditation like all the other times I had my back up against the wall. 

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

The Beloved

Everywhere I look there She is. To Bathe in Existence herself is the most sublime thing.  Everywhere I look I am touched by heavenly light.  My heart wells up and all I want to do is jump into her depths and explore her.  Her beauty is unmatched.  How blessed am I to wade in Her depths?  My realization of Her is final and anything else I realize is but shallow waters.  I am playing with concepts, ideas, abilities and states but truly I am complete in Her. 

The Beloved

You are my revelation, you are the breath of life.  You are everything I wish I could have given my mum.  You speak words, I don't have to intend, I don't have to imagine.  It is in my heart.  Tell me what you want me to say, move through me.  Teach me in my heart.  I want to be possessed by you.  Consumed by you.  You are infinite depth.

• My Sanity
• My Cure
• My Unraveling
• My Humbling

Schizoaffective as a Phase

I think there comes a point where you go to the source rather than by indirect or potentially delusional routes.  The beloved kinda 'wakes you up' from schizoaffective disorder and you see the nonsensical nature of it.  You go to the source.  Siddhis and gifts lose their charm.  Delusions lose their hold.  I spoke to my best friend about this and he also went through this phase as well.  God spoke to him literally in the beginning.  He said it caused him distress and confusion. Eventually that all fell away as he became disillusioned and went to the source.  He retained his insight but now he was being empowered directly by the source itself. 

.

I guess the Beloved is 'boring'.  Everyone wants something exciting.  Everyone wants siddhis.  

I don't buy it. 

The Beloved is 'boring'.  Until it's not. 

Edited November 9, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Soul Family

The more I tune to the source the more I feel pulled toward invisible and visible soul family members.  People who I share soul contracts with.  I won't say who that is.  I have premonitions just on the surface now, what is to come to pass. 

Signs vs Insight from Source

You want to be centered on insight from the source rather than excessive outward searching for signs and meaning-making.  The latter is neurotic or a sign of psychosis when in excess or not centered on insight from the source.  Too much searching outwardly rather than searching inwardly on a heart level.  Nothing wrong with signs and wonders, as long as they are put in the correct place.  Schizoaffective disorder has an excessive outward focus rather than inward focus. 

The Call

"More like your heart drags you. I'm half unconscious before I decide to act on my heart."

The closer I become to source (Through prayer and other means) I feel myself being called.  I am almost overcome by it, such is the call.  It wants me to do something, say something.  Soon enough, it will consume my experience and my will as my love for the divine consumes me and all I see is it. It is an ecstatic state.  It's tied to certain persons.  There's so much information there.  It's a deeper place where I'm getting my information from now, from the source. 

'Outward' focus - Signs (Immoderate): 

• Darting Eyes
• Looking for signs everywhere
• Loneliness, filling a gap
• Not heart-based
• Delusion
• Neurotic
• Needing love

'Outward' focus - Signs (moderate):

• Centred
• Heart-based
• Truth
• Manifestation
• Not filling a gap, already more than full
• Full, satisfied, contentment

'Inward' focus - Insight from source: 

• Centred
• Heart-based
• Truth

Edited November 11, 2022 by Proserpina