Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

Finish,  establish the basics (wellness) it will return,  it's already yours.  You can't go backwards.  

If you can't access it go the next route: Self compassion,  self non judgement.  Warmth. 

Turn your gaze upon yourself.  

Strengthen your core so you can be of service.  

The love will return.  

Edited September 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Focusing on ‘well’ days which is just a reset (from the habit app Intention) everyday. Aiming for a percentage of above 50% in the habit app Loop.  Also Self compassion meditation.

Well day 2 - percentage 10%

Edited September 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

On 25/9/2022 at 2:51 AM, Proserpina said:

I personally don’t believe the shadow masculine or the non integrated part of the masculine is a flaw.  It is a sign of self awareness, the unconscious becoming conscious.  It would otherwise remain unconscious and non integrated.  

Fairytales contain archetypes that I really resonated with during my ‘mystical experiences’.  Particularly Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and Snow White. 

Cinderella (first vision during second ‘psychosis’):

I was both protagonist and the Wise Old woman or the mother (fairy god mother).  I was the Protagonist in rags while outside integration and the Wise old woman/mother/protagonist transformed while integrated.  I was transforming between archetypes depending on level of integration.

Wise Old Woman was Cinderella from the future. Mentor. 
I would move in and out of integration.

Angelic projections- Prince Charming. Remained the same.

There were aspects already integrated within the masculine and there was evidence of that (magical objects in Beauty and the Beast, seven dwarves assisting) - angelic projections during second psychosis, Angel in first psychosis

But there still remained an aspect that remained a formidable character (Beast, Evil Queen)

Beast became out of control when I did not cease contact.  I always had the option but I didn’t take it.  Always go no contact with a narcissist.  Learn from the healthy masculine, Eva.

.

When I integrated the masculine (wise old woman/mother/protagonist transformed) I interpreted it at leaning back since it is a masculine quality.  My default was the feminine, leaning forward (protagonist in rags). 

When the extreme masculine projection integrated the feminine consequently and was not so extremely monstrous I interpreted it as leaning forward since it is a feminine quality.  

I was trying to understand.

.Haha, here I am talking about ‘prince charming’.  But dude, that was the archetype!  There’s no other way to say it.  It was like a fairy tale.  Especially that vision.  No other way to say it unless I want to lose accuracy in my journal. 

Fairytales resonate with me, always have.

Whatever happens in the inner-outer happens in the inner and outer.  The inner and inner-outer and inner and outer are not strictly separate.  It all flows together.   Which is why delusions occur, when you can’t separate it and you are unbalanced.  It’s not just in your head.  When I repaired the inner-outer I repaired the inner and the outer (there was evidence).

Nothing is separate and yet, it very much is.  So be subtle and remain balanced and positive in all undertakings regarding the inner-outer, inner and outer.

There was a counter reaction/balancing  within the inner when the inner-outer was balanced.  Just as there was a counter reaction/balancing within the inner-outer when the inner was balanced. 

They interact and communicate.

Edited September 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"All things are Spirit vibrating at different frequencies. Matter is solidified energy. Matter is Spirit energy vibrating at a slower frequency. Your body is solidified Spirit, crystallized Spirit. Your Spirit is not in your body. Your body is in your Spirit. As you raise your vibrations, you become more Spirit-like, moving closer towards fluid-like Spirit, thereby making your reality creation more malleable and easily changeable."

This is a significant quote.  My visions would coincide with a keen awareness of spirit, like it overwhelmed my experience.

"You must "see" the reality you prefer as now existing in the moment. Then, it will become tangible in your outer reality."

Inner - consciousness, spirit, belief, thought, feeling, intention

 

Edited September 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Had a nightmare.

My mum (who died from brain cancer)  was screaming at me in a call:

Eva, I’m sick.  I’m lost in a cave. I can’t find my way out. 
 

It felt like a recording of her soul just as she got sick before the brain damage. 

 

Edited September 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I agree.  @Loba your work is deeply inspiring.   The further I get into this work the more I realize the less I know and the more inspired I become by people like you, masters at your craft of shadow work, individuation and channeling.  It's a pleasure reading your work. 

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I don't want to become too lost in Jung's theory,  ultimately ignoring my own experience.  My own experience is paramount. However his work is a potential glimpse into how to reach my goal, which is what all this work is for.   Visions influencing reality.  Fluidity.  

How to get there?

I'll need: 

Wellness and balance on all levels.  I need to be freed of this order on me. 

Passive work in the mean time.  

Study. Particularly Carl Jung's work.

Amplifying aspects of mania (don't consider my mania pathological) like sexuality and healthy grandiosity  

.

I think writing out my own experience (however 'wrong') is helping me to understand other teacher's perspectives and the significance of their teachings.  I have difficulty because I'm on the spectrum but writing helps me to raise in density and social awareness through self awareness. 

I think being on the spectrum can make it really hard to understand the significance of your own experience and awakenings.  You lack context and reference. 

.

Goals: 

Fluidity

Visions influencing reality

Integration

Transmutation

Preparation, awaiting for the capacity to strike.  Using my time wisely.  

Balance inner, outer, inner-outer

Quote

According to jung you cannot integrate the shadow itself, or the unconscious aspect of yourself because it is a different personality on a different level of awareness. it doesn't forget the way you do, it never sleeps, and it isnt limited by the biological and social/cultural imperatives the way your conscious ego is. and throughout life as the shadow grows more dense and becomes more powerful,, it starts trying to communicate with you through projections, visions, and dreams. and the more dense the shadow, especially if one has experienced a lot of trauma, the more influence it will have on your life unconsciously - it will be the one pulling your strings by controlling you emotionally and ideologically. most people are in fact utterly dominated by their shadow. but once you open your mind to the fact that another personality or alter-ego exist within you that you are otherwise unconscious of, you begin to experience synchronicity - which is how the unconscious manifests externally to communicate with our conscious ego's directly in the external world via causally unrelated coincidences. but it is important to remember that you cannot integrate the shadow itself because it is the unconscious part of your psyche, though you can integrate the psychic content which the shadow reveals once you become aware of it within you and consciously investigate it's nature. after that the shadow is revealed to be your higher "self", or the spirit within us that illuminates our conscious lives through the world of inspirational imagery and healthy sensuality. it becomes our daimon as it were, and no longer seeks to sabotage us but instead seeks to guide us. the self sabotage that happens before our recognizing the existence of the shadow is intentionally done by the unconcious/alt-ego in order to awaken us to it's existence within and our connection to nature and everything else in the universe. this is what the high mysteries of the ancient esoteric traditions were all about, and jung came to understand that on a very real level of personal conscious experience. he actually could see his own daimon via projection of his imagination or what you might call hallucination, and would communicate with it directly as if it were standing in the room with him.

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I think the word ‘projection’ has been overly and wrongfully demonised.  Projection, just like hallucinations and dreams can be a powerful and useful tool in the toolbox of integration and mindful and loving acknowledgment of unconscious content.  ‘Delusions’ and projection are deeply tied to a fluid malleable reality, a positive thing according to Bashar.  You just have to realise that there is a difference between the realms. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I have a feeling there are two layers to this and I am overlooking one layer. I feel claustrophobic and cramped in, like I’m missing something and stuck somewhere. I’m potentially mixing up the layers.  There is fluidity/projection/integration work and there is intuition/channeling/feeling of something.  Duality, masculine-feminine.

There is a divine balancing act that occurs in a blue moon between the masculine and feminine.  When the feminine has been misunderstood, beaten down and ignored long enough.  Something happens.  Something gives way. 

Fluid consciousness normally occurs simultaneously to this.

She is the light to his darkness.  His depression.  She shines a light ‘when all lights have gone out’.

 She is called out from her withdrawal. 

Her unconscious comes out to play around the same time. 
.

“Feminine” may actually be something else.  I’m just pointing to something. 

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed
Will set two lovers' souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then
Has burned a hole between us so
We cannot seem to reach an end
Crippling our communication

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire
To point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication

The poetry
That comes from the squaring off between
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication

Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion

Between supposed brothers
Between supposed lovers

I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit

Edited October 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Loba]

9 hours ago, Proserpina said:

I agree.  @Loba your work is deeply inspiring.   The further I get into this work the more I realize the less I know and the more inspired I become by people like you, masters at your craft of shadow work, individuation and channeling.  It's a pleasure reading your work. 

That is really sweet, I enjoy reading your journal, too.  When you post something new, you are one of the first people I check out.  You have a really good grasp on what you are doing, I can tell that you have already put a lot of work into yourself and have a lot of knowledge on this as well.  I feel the exact same way!  Like, I learn from what you write and feel how you feel about me, that your work is really intuitive and on point and I can read it and have a pretty good understanding of what you're talking about in relation to your own path and I am able to learn from your insights.

You made my day with this comment, I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.  *big hugs*

Edited October 1, 2022 by Loba

[Proserpina]

During mystical experience: 

Quote

Speaking to [blank] on [blank] was like speaking to Hitler.  And that's not an insult. Hitler was incredibly charismatic,  influential and powerful.  It is extremely possible that Hitler was an accidental highly awakened masculine, who didn't properly balance the feminine. I mean he didn't just get followers for no reason.

Masculine (truth) and feminine (untruth) need to be balanced. 

 

[blank] (truth) and identifying the other as God (untruth) needs to be balanced.

Or a holocaust will happen.

This speaks of the balancing of the feminine and masculine or a holocaust would happen.  I had a gun to my head (metaphorically) to express the urgency of the situation or a holocaust would happen.

The energies were very similar to world war 2 

Now either that’s my shadow/inner-outer OR the masculine and feminine were out of balance OR both.  Likely both. 
.

Feminine: 

Other-love

Echo/empath

 leaning forward

 

 masculine:

 narcissus

 self love

leaning back
 

I got to the state of self love through my healthy animus/self projection.  He leaned forward even though I was leaning forward.  A person naturally leans back and stays leaning back when someone leans forward.  A positive of active imagination is tapping into these forms.  And according to Jung the more you tap in/attempt to communicate, the more you receive (synchronicities etc.).  Good luck finding a masculine that leans forward.  Good luck finding anyone in fact who remains leaning forward to the extent needed if you are in pain and leaning forward.

.

I saw in a vision a perfect society where everyone was leaning forward no matter what.  It was love. 

 

Interpretation of God and not God:
When there is an imbalance everyone naturally leans forward subconsciously and around the same time I begin to have visions/projections.  Hence the realm of the ‘Gods’ is the realm of leaning forward.  Leaning forward is significant, it is heaven and the default orientation of the feminine.  Naturally things go downhill as feminine naturally leans forward and masculine naturally leans back in realm of leaning forward. She has to ultimately lean back and he has to ultimately lean forward in the realm of leaning forward.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Quote

Active imagination exploring characters from psychosis

The cruel leader/shadow animus

• Smiles a sinister smile
• Stabs me straight through, my insides pouring out
• Holds me down to the floor and proceeds to molest me
• Removes my jaw

The Angel/integrated animus

• Holds out a sword of truth
• Closes a box that holds all the evils of my mind
• Levitates in a meditative position and stares into my heart, awakening me
• Tells me ‘not to look’ 

Quote

The shadow self refers to parts of yourself—whether personality traits, emotions, thoughts—that are difficult to accept. As licensed clinical psychologist Claire Nicogossian, Psy. D., explains to mbg, you often don't want to acknowledge, identify, or embrace these things.

Analysis:

My shadow is DENSE. For some reason.  Although highly fluid and open and communicative. Receptive. 

I would guess that my shadow is dense because of trauma.  There are sides of reality I have a great deal of difficulty coming to terms with.  I don't entirely understand why it is so violent and angry and sinister. Because it is fluid and open I would guess I must have done something right. Revealing sides of its true nature; the Daimon or higher self. A guide, helpful and receptive. 

The angelic part of my psyche is trying to assist me to free myself of my shadow.  To help me to awaken to reality.  Seems to reference Pandora's box.  He had a sword of truth during my visions (thank you for being a sword of truth in the darkness).  Telling me not to look may be a reference to how I would incessantly feed the shadow during The Descent.  I kept feeding it and feeding it with more and more trauma, as it broke me down. I wouldn't stop. The damage I have is pretty bad at this point and the reason for much of the dense shadow.  I willingly Descended.  

Quote

Active imagination: 

Cruel leader/shadow animus:

•  caresses my hair, tells me everything will be okay
•  leads me to a room of people, his followers
•  they seem friendly.  They send me energy to awaken me.
•  I’m led to a throne

 The Angel/integrated animus: 

• He stands tall and erect.  With a sword in his hands. On guard
• He turns his head, his eyes piercing into mine.  He nods at me.
•  He allows other archetypes to move through my psyche. He seems much more fluid, less overly protective
•  He cuts me through with the sword and inside a shimmering liquid pours out

Analysis: 

Shadow is fluid and receptive. Like I said above. Easily shifts.  Full transformation. The throne symbolizes integration. Helpful, guiding, awakening.

The angelic part of my psyche yet again holds his sword of truth.  His eyes are the doors to transmission.  Seems to trust that I won't willingly descend now. That I may have learned my lesson.  His sword of truth reveals my True Self.    

Edited October 2, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

What will I do next time it/he calls?  The Great Hoovering. 

When there is to be a rebalancing. 

Do I ignore?  Do I surrender?

I placed a curse upon its house. 

How can the Beast learn to love except by a curse?

"But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty"

But I can't.  Bitterness will only block the flow.  It is not a match.  I won't put that part of myself at risk at any cost.  Even if that means I have to do jigsaw puzzles and colouring in till I'm blue in the face - as I did during psychosis to hold off bitterness.  I won't become bitter at any cost.  

The Beast can have his way with me. 

He/It can damage me until I'm focused elsewhere but I won't become bitter.  If a curse were to fall, it would be inadvertent than by direct cause. 

Edited October 2, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

'Incelhood' 

My definition of incel is a little different I suppose than the typical definition.  

I've always been a little 'Off'. That's my definition.  It's a little different than being on the spectrum or low IQ.  It's a deep lack of social calibration, a foolishness, a silliness, a difference.  It's inherited.  And also a part of my personality (So/sx energy).  Think Donald Trump minus the narcissism. 

Being in contact with people for a long length of time tends to have negative effects due to it so I'm deeply introverted.  I don't know how my Dad and my sister do it.  I think it's because they were blessed with extroverted charisma and craftiness/manipulation.  Donald Trump plus the narcissism.  My Dad commented the other day how similar Donald Trump and him are. 

Donald Trump is the ultimate incel in my eyes.  

Of course I have a partner who I love and adore to bits and spend every waking moment with, when we're not fighting all the time.  He is completely normal,  no incelhood or autism.  He tells me he is attracted to me.  And also I'm mostly asexual so celibacy is irrelevant to me.  

This side of me that is 'Off' is a big reason for my gifting in fluidity/'schizophrenia'.  I do not conform to norms and I have no social frame of reference.  

It is something I have to learn to integrate.  I was making progress earlier

Along with not conforming to norms and not having any social frame of reference, I don't have a clue about reality.  Like I embody 'not knowing'.  This has upsides and downsides.   Downsides: I have no clue. Upsides: I have no clue so reality can be as fluid as it wants.  No limits.  I am not solidified in beliefs. I have no solid beliefs and expectations.  I'm like a child.  

And here's the kicker. I purposefully make myself that way. Childlike. 

The Bible doesn't demonise the fool or weak things always: 

"But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty"

My Dad: "People of the world think we are fools, because we are small but God exalts us. People of the world are very prideful and God uses those who humble themselves and exalts them"

A childlike (not childish) perception makes the world very beautiful.  The divine shines through when you are not clogged up with heavy judgement and beliefs, what I often see in other people/adults. 

You can feel a divinity shining through everything. 

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.”

Edited October 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I have yet to mature into the path I have chosen.  'Knowing' and wisdom comes with that maturation but you start as the fool necessarily, just like in the Tarot. The fool already has value/is a major arcana in that it has a keen experience of the divine.  Maturation is a bonus.  Your fundamental nature also remains the same (the fool) but you have matured.  Foolishness and the divine go hand in hand like a childlike nature and the divine does.  It is a struggle,  but worth it.  

 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The divine shines through.  Integration.  Fluidity/'schizophrenia'. 

Although he's very immature.  Has a dense shadow and has been pushed over the edge. 

Integration of the fool is a part of maturation so the Joker is going through a maturation process even though he's immature. To embrace your 'incelhood' (as the joker did) is to blossom and mature,  grow in wisdom and knowledge and skill. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Chaos.  The beginning of the path. 

"Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper!"

This joker is a little more complex.  But chaotic is another way of saying childlike or foolish. So is empty (empty cup).  Batman is a matured version, hence Joker's feeling of camaraderie with Batman. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

There is a certain ‘setup’ that pertains to Being.  And also a certain attitude and way of being that can potentially indicate a relationship with Being. The real thing is messy, unexpected, and doesn’t fit into neat little boxes.  

[Proserpina]

“At the same time, there will still always be a faint air of insanity about people who have walked the Madness Road, even when they are acting completely sane and normal, just like there will be a faint aura of "death" around those who have walked the Death Road - and for people with the Sight, they may be able to see and smell Death in their auras. (That "smell of death" is difficult for most non-Sighted people to interpret, and they may end up associating it mentally with "evil" or "wrongdoer" or just "creepy". Even if they are lawful and upright people who never harm anyone, people may just "feel" after being around them for five minutes that this is someone dangerous or harmful.) That's because shamans don't ever really come all the way back. One spirit-worker, however, pointed out to me that walking the Madness Road has one significant benefit: A shaman may well be asked to deal with people who are broken in all sorts of ways, and having spent time insane can give insight and compassion in those cases. When one spends time delving into damaged psyches, it's good to know the territory intimately.” Props to @Loba for finding this. 
 

• I had the smell of death almost overwhelm me several times in the past.  Would almost pass out while burning up and smelling a strong smell of death around my aura.
• Becoming unwell was always a threat during the mystical experience
•  the incense holder that caused a strong smell of death in the bedroom where I became deathly ill at 21 was not a coincidence I think.
•  my mums bedroom wasn’t far from the incense holder. I wonder if….I remember during the mystical experience that my mum and I were tied together
•  I’m constantly battling with physical illness. 

On a side note: I had an aboriginal shaman lady tell me I was her daughter in the hospital.  I felt like we knew each other, but on a spiritual level.  She told me not to be afraid of the ‘big men’. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Loba]

You're welcome, glad you found it of some use.
I'm going to be doing a video tomorrow evening to discuss what I have found over the years and see if I can give it any structure.  I'm feeling insecure about my place with this work and I'm hoping if I can talk it out that maybe I might see that I'm not so crazy after all, that maybe there is method to this process that I'm just not privy to within writing.

Yeah I am noticing that for sensitives, they end up emotionally or physically unwell much of the time.  My belief is that some people are not an energetic match for this planet, they are supposed to be higher up, and the density of this world over time damages your mind and nervous system, taking too much in at once.  There seems to be a huge connection between disease and spiritual development.