Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

I'm discovering more and more that I appreciate bluntness and masculine compassion when it comes from a place of detachment and minimal ego.  Where the past and personal grievances do not factor so much into the equation. A very difficult feat to pull off apparently.  

I won't pretend to have mastered it. 

I keep idealising males or persons in general as having possessing this quality when it isn't present. 

When you really know what you don't want,  you really know what you do want - AH

Edited September 10, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Persephone could be a symbol for bipolar/PMDD if you look at it a certain way.  Cursed to live in the underworld as Queen with Hades for half a year and then rising back up for the second half of the year as the Spring Goddess along side her mother Demeter.  Having inspired the fairytale 'Beauty and the Beast', Beauty (Persephone) then transforms the beast (Hades) and the castle (underworld) once she breaks the spell through love. 

Edited September 10, 2022 by Proserpina

[Zeroguy]

You do understand that it's metaphor for seasons.

[Proserpina]

2 minutes ago, Zeroguy said:

You do understand that it's metaphor for seasons.

I know.  But you can use the seasons as a metaphor for the rise and fall of internal spring and winter.  As an internal symbol,  rather than strictly physical. 

Edited September 10, 2022 by Proserpina

[Zeroguy]

1 minute ago, Proserpina said:

I know.  But you can use the seasons as a metaphor for the rise and fall of internal spring and winter. 

Sounds like you're bipolar.Do you take your meds regularly?

[Proserpina]

@Zeroguy Yes.  I do.  

[Zeroguy]

I was diagnosed with psychosis.Meds helped me.

[Proserpina]

I was just curious why I'm attracted to that symbology. 

I once performed a spell dedicated to the goddess Persephone with my own blood asking for a relationship in exchange that she may have my soul.  Or something like that.  

Now every relationship I've been in has gone south for 6 months of the year. 
.

Winter and autumn is time for hibernation, solitude, silence and contemplation.   Enlightenment work during the valley. 

Spring and summer is a time of manifestation,  empowerment, celebration,  love. 

"Spring has traditionally been the symbol of love, joy, spirituality, youth and melancholy and most importantly beginning of a new life for a person after suffering at the hands of the 'cold world of autumn'."

Edited September 11, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

On 10/9/2022 at 2:11 PM, Proserpina said:

I really feel strongly that there is nothing wrong with low 'social calibration' as long as the person has right Intention and is willing to admit wrong.  One of the first steps in accepting people with mental illness and disability is removing this idea that low social calibration is somehow fundamentally wrong and needs to be exorcised.  Social calibration is not the end all, be all, it is but only one factor. 

Low social calibration frequently goes hand in hand with disability/ mental illness.  Are we to shun those with a disability or force them to change.  If they have right intention maybe that's enough. Sometimes right action just is not completely possible but they can maximise every other area of the eightfold path. 

I experienced a situation where I was being bullied and I was able to completely turn the situation around by accepting my different nature.

But I did have to be detached and mindful of which season I was in. 
.

I think they should have to change to an extent but sometimes they simply can’t.  They are too different, they can’t bridge the gap, nor do they want to.  They want to be themselves.

That doesn’t mean they don’t try, for instance I practiced many aspects of social calibration (including looksmaxing) and I’ve had multiple relationships.  I haven’t felt real loneliness for 10 years since I’ve tried to change.

 BUT I am so different there’s no getting around that, I can only change it so much.  So I practice accepting myself instead of being hard on myself.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I’m coming to accept that much of my delusions were inside my head (which is significant in and of itself - the beings I met were stunning ) and not of an external reality.  Although detaching did come as a consequence of delusions, which fed into itself. Detaching resulted in beautiful outcomes, beautiful outcomes resulted in detaching.

Some of my arguments seem clueless because actually it’s detaching at the root, a result of my condition. I benefitted from something that just ‘happened to me’. in many ways, aside from that, I’m clueless and it shows through.

I should practice silence more but of course I don’t because I’m in pain.

I could really do with some silence. 

Edited September 11, 2022 by Proserpina

[Zeroguy]

Forgot to say great journal and great video.You should definitely make more of it.

Full support.

[Proserpina]

This is actually exceptionally helpful to my development since it forces me to become organised in my thoughts and in my words, while still giving me that space to be spontaneous in my tone and expression. I need notes but I’m lazy.  

Edited September 11, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I dislike having such high standards for myself and never being able to meet them.  Cursed with a brilliant mother and a not so brilliant (and cruel) father. 

[Proserpina]

Admitting to difficulties puts you at an advantage and sets  you up in the right frame for spiritual and developmental growth.  It’s like a type of lifestyle or ‘religion’, following it will lead you in the right direction despite the discomfort. I do think my ability to say I have this or that condition is an indicator of no ego, despite my difficulties.  It takes a certain level of no ego to admit to faults, flaws and weaknesses.  Admitting when you’re wrong.  Sometimes it’s okay to acknowledge that and then get back to work.

Edited September 12, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Socialisation and community is great for schizoaffective as it forces you to take a hard look at delusions.  It grounds you. 

[Proserpina]

CS Joseph typing system: 

Responding vs initiating - responding

Fire and wind (Ni/Se) vs earth and water (Ne/Si) - Fire and wind (Ni/Se)

Affiliative vs pragmatic  - Affiliative

Templar vs Wayfarer vs philosopher - Templar 

= INFJ (introspective)

[Proserpina]

TEMPLARS
TEMPLARS seek to make people better. They are interested in others’ well-being and strengthening their character. Templars require freedom to make their own choices and find their own way in life. They teach, mentor, and counsel. They forgive and help people heal, yet they can also ghost people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves or who betray them.

PHILOSOPHERS
are studious and
academic. Faith,
belief,ideas,and
prestige are all
important. They are
drawn to civic duty,
charity, and politics.
Philosophers live their lives
committed to doing the right
thing. They also seek to create rules
and guidelines for others to follow. They are focused on their own happiness and comfort over that of others.

Edited September 13, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I can feel something coming, like something is about to pop. I’m not sure what it is.  I have a feeling I’m going to be dragged through the dirt for a long time yet though. Until I figure something out. Right now I’m floundering in the waters.  This is bigger than before, the waves are much bigger.  I’m slowly learning how to swim in these waters, it might be related to why I can feel something coming.

 I’ll hold onto my ‘curse’ I made after my mother got sick right after I went into the deepest depths:

”One day the sun won’t rise and you will mourn.  Your world will fall to dust, your humiliation will be ten fold.  Do not mistreat the feminine, do not mistreat the vulnerable. Do not commit evil.”

“If you have to wait for it to roar out of you then wait, patiently “

Edited September 13, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Partner says I'm directive rather than informative.   I'm really pushy in real life.  So that means IxFJ

[Proserpina]

I can't help but think there is a major part missing from the story.  Only God knows if I can piece it together though.  A highly evolved species would be tapped into this missing piece though.  Why aren't we trying a little harder as a collective to piece it together?  I imagine it's terrible karma not to understand.  It's like people are completely oblivious to it.