Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

In terms of life purpose....

1. I want to live an experimental life. 

2. I have a vision of how I wish to be and act

3. I have certain practices I want to 'absorb'

4. I'm not as concerned with what I gain,  as rather who I choose to be

5.  I know there must be some place in or outside of time where who I choose to be will be appreciated.  Maybe in death or a peak lifetime or another planet/species after death or even inside my head in a world of my own. 

6.  I wish to be on the leading edge of healing, abundance and contentment practices.   Indulgence, satisfaction, abundance and contentment runs through my vision.  

Edited August 17, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Top three values, values I would die for: 

Kindness

Optimism/Positivity/Hope

Openmindedness/perspective

 

-I will do anything that will facilitate the fruition of these values.  

- the current valley lifetime I am in  (relatively speaking) does little to reward the fruition of these values

Edited August 17, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

What do I love?

I love art. Seeing my soul on the paper in any state or form.  The lines infused with my spirit.  The reminder of who I am.

I love writing.  The small breakthroughs I make in my writing.   I've always had difficulty writing and expressing since I was a child (I am lower density).  Any breakthrough in expression is massive in terms of development of intelligence and density. 

I love healing methods,  ambient music and asmr.  I want to immerse and bath myself, shifting my personality, my sense of worth, my identity.  A pretend sense of safety raising subconscious material,  cleansing me.  I will make myself a new Being, a new kind of species,  using the leading edge methods of healing and sound to change myself in some profound way.  

I love connection to spirit, the richness all around me.  The more I recognize this,  the more I radiate abundance and wealth, the more I attract abundance and wealth. But reality inherently gifts this to you. 

[Proserpina]

At  9 minutes in Aaron speaks about the energetics of leaning back and leaning forward.  New world allstar says feminine naturally leans forward.  The energetics are what makes up the feminine and masculine personalities, I think.  

Feminine is ‘cursed’ with leaning forward naturally.  She is on the hero’s journey to lean back.

Feminine leaning back causes some supernatural phenomena, I think.  

Maybe leaning forward is higher consciousness, although it repels, it is the way of God and when she leans back, she becomes god like. God is rooted in love first and foremost.

When I lean back I’m magnetic and the visions start up.

You’re supposed to be able to see reflections ‘below’, in the ordinary. 

To lean back:

 practice grounding

 connect with the earth, bury yourself

 dig deep inside the body, the inner energy field of the body (Eckhart tolle)

Enlightenment work

1st density work (become soil, become a chair)

Edited August 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I feel like the twin flame journey hits close to the truth of what it means to be god-like.  Although you don't need a twinflame, all you need is to be a new feminine species that is born/created leaning all the way forward and suffers for that.  Indigo children. 

.

I know what it feels like to lean all the way forward all the time.  It's not pleasant and will drive you to insanity unless you can cushion it.  I'm 100% certain it played a big role in my psychoses/decline of my mental health. I like to use sound healing, music and ASMR to cushion.  

I'll take on the insanity if it means I'll learn how to deal with leaning all the way forward at some point. Either by leaning back simultaneously or cushioning it.  I prefer to learn how to swim in deep waters.  
.

Edited August 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I can't tell if I'm a difficult,  reactive person or if I am surrounded by difficult people.  

I have to say it's quite a relief to be away from Jojo. Our relationship is tumultuous, especially during certain times of the month without fail. 

New themes moving forward: 

"Letting go makes space for the new"

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward"

"Be open to change, everything is temporary"

 

Space for the new

Moving forward

Change

Let go to let in

 

Hope (capitilize on what is working): 

Milk vortex (the times of the month I am effortlessly aligned)

Increased happiness/detachment from less difficult people in my life (people in general, Jojo, sisters, Dad)

Meditation (milk vortex)

Being 

 

I’m excited to see how much I can push my vortex forward, how much I can milk it for all that it is worth simply by doing the basics, removing obstacles and implementing very simple practices when it is easy. 

Edited September 5, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

On 28/8/2022 at 9:30 PM, Proserpina said:

Maybe leaning forward is higher consciousness, although it repels, it is the way of God and when she leans back, she becomes god like. God is rooted in love first and foremost.

An avatar is neither or both leaning forward and leaning back (it can look like both or neither and depending on the theory can be either way).  Leaning forward is more often likely to be a catalyst for doing the work than leaning back.  Although anything can be a catalyst.  Love (leaning forward) is more likely to do the work. 

Edited September 5, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Sweet sirens

 Today I heard them again on the radio.  I try to ignore but they speak such sweet words.  I know if I listen though I’ll be pulled down into the depths. The highs soon replaced and the barrier between ‘reality’ and ‘dream’ further and further broken until I’m at the bottom, choking, literally.  I cannot dare to listen for fun until I’m sure that my internal landscape is solid and cannot be uprooted.  That I’ve tied myself to the mast of my healing and spiritual practices. 

Yes, people on the radio.  But why can’t I have a bit of fun? I want to have fun. That’s all it is. A play with reality.   

[Proserpina]

“Except I personally see playfulness instead of wit or funniness. Not necessarily a source of humor or brilliant communicator/wordsmith, but does radiate a sense of 'play' (with words, ideas, concepts, abilities, anything)

“Magical powers' look a lot like delusion. And then someone has to come along and ruin the fun by telling you you're not amazing.”

 It looks like it was for fun, play.  I was just messing around. 

Then things got too deep.

[Proserpina]

I think it’s very complex. You can be social in that you have empathy and you know the  bells and whistles for how to appear ‘socialised’. No one would ever guess you struggle.  On the surface.  You know how to keep up appearances.  But any deeper and your system starts to break down.  Lightheaded, brain fog, autism, all your cognitive issues, all those things you want to and normally keep hidden as a girl.

 You know how to open your heart to a stranger

 you know how to smile and the pleasantries

I wish people would just get that being on the spectrum is much more different for girls than it is for guys.  We ‘socialize’ but we don’t socialize. See above. We are expected to be far more advanced when we are already are socially advanced compared to the  masculine on the spectrum. The expectations from society are different.  

Friends and socialisation are overrated if you are shunned for shallow reasons.  If you have empathy and a heart and you are shunned for being different, screw those people and screw socialisation. 

Edited September 6, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I’m going to commit to becoming genuinely conscious instead of playing conscious.  A part of me performs kind acts and conscious behaviour but it’s not 100% genuine (stage blue?) so there is a slow build up of inner tension and then an eventual explosion, where people then hate me.  I want to become genuinely conscious.

 

Edited September 6, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Just had a psychology session: 

She requested that I summarise the session- 

- Value of solitude and finding a balance

- mindfulness is core to social issues (my strong emotions,  attachment and inferiority complex scares people away. Mindfulness essentially solves these issues for me)

- Begin stepping out into social situations now that solitude and mindfulness has trained my vibration.  Push my limits.  Trigger difficult emotions now that I am stronger. 

- Leverage non PMS to train vibration.  Utilise where I am strong and allow it to shift my baseline (use mindfulness during non pms. Similar to how solitude has trained my vibration in the past)

- made a visual diagram of cycle of strong emotion and being clingy + attached.  Strong emotion > clingy + attached > others pull away (paradox affect, too much leaning forward) > strong emotions > clingy + attached

Edited September 7, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The strong unregulated emotions can be explained by my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Although my most recent psych report analysed it was a misdiagnosis and was actually bipolar (as a part of schizoaffective).  Bipolar and psychosis can easily be misdiagnosed as BPD apparently.

Idk.  All I know is I have very strong emotions, always have,  that I’ve learnt to regulate with mindfulness and solitude.  People don’t know what it’s like to have such strong emotions that cause you to become clingy, driving people away. 

 

Edited September 7, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

In terms of why I’m alone: solitude and strong emotions/clinging are the primary culprits.  The ideal solution would be pushing my limits socially and integrating dormant aspects through mindfulness after regulating my emotions/detaching (through mindfulness and solitude). Therefore removing the culprits of solitude and strong emotions/clinging.

[Proserpina]

Rather clinging/attaching (and then the consequential pull away over and over) causes strong emotions and then more clinging/attaching.  Until it’s pathological.

Edited September 7, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Breath

Let go

Breath

Edited September 8, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Feel suicidal ideation. LOA fucks with you too. Everyone hates me this time of the month.  Painbodies trigger dormant painbodies.

“My first inkling that something transformative could happen at menstruation was 8 years ago while pregnant with my second son. I was reading Eckhart Tolle’s ‘A New Earth’ and he wrote at length about the individual pain body that we each carry around with us. He discussed that we also each belong to several collective pain bodies and that as a woman I also carried the collective female pain body. 

This he described becomes activated at pre-menstruum and that as women we were ‘blessed’ with this body based opportunity for awakening. It was a way, he trusted, into experiencing the present moment. I felt as if I had received an awakening just by reading this acknowledgement.”

Joseph calls it the ‘monster’.  It’s called PMDD.  My energy is just terrible, it’s clingy and in ‘unbearable pain’.  The more I’m rejected (the more others lean back in response) the worse it is, the more I cling, the more pain I’m in.   It peaks at the later stages.

Edited September 9, 2022 by Proserpina

[Tyler Robinson]

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. 

Bipolar psychosis can be easily misdiagnosed as bpd. 

 

[Proserpina]

1 hour ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. 

Bipolar psychosis can be easily misdiagnosed as bpd. 

 

Mhm

Also PMDD is like miniature bipolar psychosis for me.  It's more obvious during actual psychosis but every month I reach the lowest lows and the highest highs.  That's where my schizoaffective bipolar reveals itself outside of psychosis. 

[Proserpina]

I really feel strongly that there is nothing wrong with low 'social calibration' as long as the person has right Intention and is willing to admit wrong.  One of the first steps in accepting people with mental illness and disability is removing this idea that low social calibration is somehow fundamentally wrong and needs to be exorcised.  Social calibration is not the end all, be all, it is but only one factor. 

Low social calibration frequently goes hand in hand with disability/ mental illness.  Are we to shun those with a disability or force them to change.  If they have right intention maybe that's enough. Sometimes right action just is not completely possible but they can maximise every other area of the eightfold path. 

Edited September 10, 2022 by Proserpina