Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

I used to self harm when I was young. I thought I could somehow claw the fool out of me. I still have some demonising (a type of self harm) tendencies. No matter how how much I clawed I could never get it out until I clawed so hard one day I learnt the value of acceptance inadvertently.  In mastering your inner fool through acceptance, you'll unlock a wealth of wisdom, kinda like how in the shadow hides creativity.  You'll still be a fool but a wise fool that walks with Being. 

 

Edited June 27, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

In the Lord of the Rings, the ring was destroyed when the fool was listen to,  accepted,  integrated and appreciated.  Hobbits are youthful, ignorant,  overlooked and underestimated, 'the fool'. The fool remains a fool (hobbit) until the very end,  only they have been integrated and the strengths have come to fruition. 

Fool's Anthem

 

Edited June 27, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I think Law of One is correct. 

Integration of Self and Other. 

It lines up too closely with my experience. Not to mention there is an alien entity channeling the message. Very similar to my experience of an alien entity channeling the same message through me. 

It's so subtle, you can confuse it for other things.  I confused integration for God realization (God) and God realization for integration (Love).  It's a mistake I make again and again.  I made the mistake while I was channeling, I'm bound to make the same mistake now that I'm not channeling. I got it wrong. 

Okay. So atleast I have that down.  I have to study the ra material.

Edited June 27, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Notes: 

- I'm getting synchronicities very frequently now. It's building up.

- All describing the same territory: Paradox effect, Narcissism - empath, Runner - chaser, STO STS , Masculine feminine.

-STO and STS goes into more detail. 

- Paradox effect or runner/chaser describes relationship best and the ideal outcome. Leaning forward purposefully.  

- HG Tudor's super empath describes STO in more detail in its development.  

- masculine and feminine shows the dynamic in every day interaction

- I'm going to continue on with my observation that there is self dominant and other dominant STO and a STS. STS does not honour both other and self,  self dominant STO does.  Both are masculine, self dominant STO more balanced masculine than STS. Less extreme.  Like stage red vs stage yellow masculine. 

- Paradox effect, runner/chaser, leaning back/ leaning forward is the feeling, it's not an action.  It's the feeling of integration of Self and Other. 

Edited June 27, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"

80.11 Questioner: Could I say, then, that implicit in the process of becoming adept is the possible partial polarization towards service to self because simply the adept becomes disassociated with many of his kind or like in the particular density which he inhabits?

Ra: I am Ra. This is likely to occur. The apparent happening is disassociation whether the truth is service to self and thus true disassociation from other-selves or service to others and thus true association with the heart of all other-selves and disassociation only from the illusory husks which prevent the adept from correctly perceiving the self and other-self as one"

So Love realization is a part of service to other. I didn't get that wrong.  

.

I'm still debating Steve Pavlina's version.  I think it might be wrong because my very first vision had no self dominant. Might be a distortion. Self dominant was immature during first mystic state, the other was mature and could change self dominant.  My third and fourth vision there was no self and other dominant, only STS and STO, STS ultimately being less mature.  STO other dominant was immature aswell. STO self dominant or other dominant are not properly polarized. 

Edited June 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Healing

My stomach pain disappeared ever since my discovery and practices.  I can feel wellness flowing through my body.  Body flows wellness when it is not blocked and is thriving.  Anyone who knows LOA knows this is significant for manifestation.  Explodes with a golden light, body and mental spheres are transformed.  Lit on fire.  Beautiful energies.  All healing and manifestation and awakening takes is being held with Love. 

Jesus practiced his knowing of their wellness

Healing and manifestation is also tied to awakening.  It stems from God realization.  'I am that'. Understanding who you are in your full glory. It radiates outwards into the body etc.  

Edited June 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

You can feel when wellness is flowing in your body, when healing is taking place.  It's a distinct feeling. The body perks up, 

But that is only a bonus, the icing on the cake.  

It is blissful for the body to be immediately well. Totally and completely well. Healing is just a bonus.  You are already healed. 

Your body is already perfect.  

Edited June 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Of course self dominant and other dominant could mean the 5% that is unpolarized in a polarized individual.  But that isn't what I'm referring to.  I'm referring to a larger portion. So it's unpolarized or it's service to self. 

STO was clean perception with STS.

STS was unclean perception and stubborn (polarized)

Edited June 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Embracing the inner poverty of the fool would be the left hand path.  Of course education is important, but I'm talking about a foolishness that cannot be educated out or improved upon. You are born into a poverty. Through the fool's poverty of not knowing you can find wealth and abundance. It's a difficult existence,  full of revulsion. Their lack of humanness would make them the lowest of the low. They cannot relate with others,  they are alien.  

"Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you that weep now, for you shall laugh."

Edited June 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The voice of God was like an organism speaking as one voice.  Highly intelligent, humorous.  Very 'now'.  As if he knew our culture inside out.  It would come from many sides, angles, tones, all one voice.  The darkest voices were him. The wisest voices were him.  It wasn't about the content though so much, it was aura behind it.  All the voices were one being.  It was more obvious during the first mystic when there was less content but as the content expanded until the entire planet spoke as one voice then it became fuzzy.  He would tell me he was showing me all his sides, that he was the beast but I didn't get it.  

Edited June 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

On 26/06/2022 at 10:07 AM, Proserpina said:

I have distinct sides to myself.  An extraordinarily babyish feminine side and a serious masculine side.  They are split off from eachother as separate personalities,  although very rarely they unite. When they unite its a maturity that includes a softer yielding side.  It's quite pleasant. It's easy to pathologize it,  to say it's an aspect of my bipolar,  Mania and sobriety/ mild depressive but I don't think that's quite right.  It's more like the 'mania' is there to fully explore the Mystical,  since it is tied to an otherworldly playfulness and pleasantness when on its own.  That side of me is easily dismissed though,  even though it's the more mystical side.  The masculine gets taken more seriously.  

Experiencing that more feminine side and ugh, I get treated like a little girl.  Patted on the head. Dismissed.  It's better than the psychic attacks later in the month as the masculine.  Everyone hates me as the masculine because I'm not sucking their d*ck. I go back and forth because I can't stand being the feminine forever. 

There is no one who understands my masculine better than my feminine, including my masculine itself.  'Conceptual, serious, singleminded focus'- partner says the masculine is.  

My feminine is a master who gets tired of being the master.  Wants to be alone, lost in solitude and writing. Lost to the world,  lost to herself.  The Great Pretend. The forgetting.  Beginning again.  The feminine holds the secret to my masculine's existence. 

Major channelings are when I get exhausted of the masculine (rarely) and move into the feminine on a more permanent level than cyclically. Or when I build up to the feminine after falling down. 

Feminine Notes: 

- Channelings are the 'feminine'

- Premonitions, knowing,  strange energy present.  Mystical experiences 

- mastery

- conscious

- playful,  secure,  bored/ contented,  sweet,  calm,  cheerful

- STO, super empath, leaning back-leaning forward, detached- attached

- masculine is the great pretend, the forgetting, beginning again.  

- feminine is cyclical. Forgetting and remembering

- holds the reasoning for everything

- feminine is cyclical or rising up after falling down

- masculine is cyclical or falling down after rising up

- feminine is conscious,  masculine is less conscious.  

During certain times of the month Feminine remembers she is God and during other times of the month she forgets.  It's cyclical. Both states are equal to her (that's why I call it masculine and feminine,  it's equal) and she enjoys both states.  

"My favourite part on the path: Being a beginner again. Forgetting it all. " - I channeled while transitioning out of 'feminine'.

Edited June 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

-'Feminine' is nice inadvertently. None of the descriptors do it justice. She is 'conscious'. 'Masculine' is less conscious. She is also in alignment. 

-'Masculine' is attached, suffering,   leaning forward,  empath, unpolarized. 'Feminine' includes detached, leaning back, STO. So the labels should be 'feminine' (masculine) and feminine- Masculine (feminine).

-'Leaning back'/detaching is not necessarily nice but it's what the feminine needs to rebalance and/or awaken.

Edited June 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

If everything is God,  why wouldn't you be nice to God? Being is Beautiful and Good. You really wouldn't be able to help it but fall to your knees and kiss the ground if it were in 'sight'.  You can tell someone's level of realization by how they treat 'others'. 

Edited June 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The Smell of Death notes

- any zone where smell of death was present or strong was a zone where illness or violence was more likely to occur

- it's a warning for very likely violence and illness

-  meditating on the smell of death would ease it

- it was all over the planet during my second 'psychosis'

- it has the capacity to kill you

- my mother, who was dying,  had the smell all over her. I tried to heal her by inhaling and meditating but it was too strong

- inhaling the smell and taking it into yourself also decreases the smell but can make you unwell unless you meditate simultaneously. 

- was strong in my parents house where abuse and violence often took place. Especially in my bedroom. It was like a coffin in my bedroom. 

- there was incense in my bedroom that smelt very strongly of the smell of death. I inhaled it, making myself unwell and meditated over it.    I cleared the room and put the incense in the shed, away from my mum. 

- it is negative energy

.

Speaking to a higher being for 8 months straight on this forum:

- feelings of satisfaction and peace pervaded the experience. 

- he taught me ascetism and purification. 

- my values shifted significantly. I became a different person.  

- my first 'psychosis' 

- this being was speaking to me through a human.  An extra overlay of reality.  The human was Joseph. 

- Teachings: Love, how to evoke spirit world, true identity, Being. 

- was having individual visions along side

- he was unconditionally loving, mentoring, humorous.  

- my introduction to the spirit world.  After that first experience I was assumed to be capable and could handle more difficult things. 

- Joseph became my partner not long afterwards

- it happened not long after an awakening from smoking weed and 6 months of habit work. I had quit all Junkfood and all addictions.  

.

Beautiful unknown smells:

- Positive energy. 

- The opposite of the smell of death.  

- When I meditated for a long enough stretch and there had previously been the smell of death.  

- Became less common as I meditated more and more often. 

- The initial reaction, feelings of relief,  after a terrible ordeal. 

- I would walk around the city and the smell would waft off near everyone.  Homeless people.

- My room would fill up with the smell as I meditated.  It reminded me of a temple.  A holy place.  

- My clothes smelt of the smell for weeks

Edited July 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"Generally speaking, nice people are not popular.  The egoically valuable (maybe smart or rich or powerful) asshole is popular.  We tend to seek approval of these assholes.  We’re attracted to people who exude confidence, certainty, and high energy." Joseph Maynor.  

The moment you go around being humble,  admitting any fault,  forget it. People will jump on that with glee. 

.

Ambient rooms are a good balance between boredom and contentment, between sitting with pain and relaxing the body. Too much of sitting with pain and you're writhing unnecessarily. Too much of relaxing the body and you'll be taking dopamine hits all the time.  

Edited July 1, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I have a feeling that the afterlife is very similar to 'psychosis'.  I'll be tested.  The beings there are highly reasonable though, intelligent, moral, half awake,  genies/jinn.  They don't torment just anyone.   Even while in a hell realm,  it is very much a heavenly realm.  I chose a hell realm over death many times.  I won't be given anything I can't handle.  Someone could just go straight to a heavenly realm. 

Hell realms are a type of heavenly realm. 

Hell realms have the building blocks for a heavenly realm. 

That's why some people who have schizophrenia don't want to take medication. It's because even though they are tormented and are drowning, they are being tormented by angels and are drowning in a heavenly realm. 

Edited July 2, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Me sheet (from life purpose course):

 

Life purpose:

To live in and to be beauty itself. To bring goodness and beauty into others' lives.
 

Domain of mastery:

Spirituality
 

Zone of genius: 

Service/Helper role

 

Medium: 

One on one

 

Top 10 values: 

Truth/ reality

Kindness/generosity/service

Beauty

Optimism/Positivity/ hope

Playfulness/spontaneity

Honesty

Modesty/ Humility

Honour/ leadership

Openmindedness/ perspective

Joy

 

Strengths: 

1. Spirituality, Transcendence

2. Hope, Transcendence 

3. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Transcendence 

4. Judgement,  Wisdom

5. Love of Learning,  Wisdom

 

Top 5 goals: 

1. Health

2. Enlightenment

3. Mysticism

4. Self actualization

5. Emotional mastery

 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"Let me give you some advice, bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." 

 Tyrion Lannister

Integration,  appreciation,  love

Edited July 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Bringing It All Together Worksheet

My top 3 values are…
1. Truth/reality
2. Kindness/generosity/ service
3. Optimism/Positivity/ hope

My 3 signature strengths are…
1.Spirituality, Transcendence

2. Hope, Transcendence 

3. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Transcendence 

The high-consciousness virtue I want to build my career around is…
• Kindness/Generosity/Service

The 1 domain I want to commit to mastering is…
•Spirituality

My greatest personal struggle in life has been…
• 'Fool' archetype.  Different, childlike. 

• Physical illness

 

The top 5 questions that fascinate me the most about life are…
1. Who am I?
2. What is life?
3. How does healing work?
4. How do I be my ideal self?
5. How do I integrate my struggles?

The top 3 moments that inspired me most in the past were…
1. Communication with higher being at 26
2. Awakening at 15
3. Communication with higher beings at 28

My Zone of Genius is…
•Service/Helper role

The most meaningful impact that I can have in the world is…

My gift for spirituality and my love for service and spreading goodness. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Sometimes I can't relate to others not seeing the divine because I've seen it my entire life,  since I was 7 and had the ability to. So I speak as if it's easy or something natural.  To me,  its seeing what is right in front of your face. 

I mean I don't have a million insights (I'm not wired that way) but I see the divine.