Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

"Are we going down this rabbithole, sweetheart?"

I was told when I had a choice to follow that trail. It's a rabbithole.  A trail.  

[Proserpina]

I think most of my experiences with psychosis can be explained that way.  

Polarization and integration of union and division leads to union. Major polarities integrated or collapsed. 

Union can mean so many things.  

Disharmony can mean so many things

........

God - Union - feminine

Not God - Division - masculine

Realm of Union - Realm of Women

 

It's a play between division and union

..........

Blur is Union.  Union leads to more Union.  Union includes division

........

Lack of union between union and division in the realm of Union leads to the hell and hungry ghost realms.  Demons of excess.  

..........

Feminine is union,  leaning forward.  Leaning forward is uniting,  attached, union - oriented, security seeking. If it was up to the feminine there would be union.  But union can be clingy and  pushes the other away, especially if the other is division-oriented. Division-oriented are freedom seeking.  Avoidant. They are dividing (men responsible for most wars). 

............

I think it's a mistake to create any hard lines between self development and spirituality. If you want ascension. 

...........

-This was all born out of feeling different, to a ridiculous degree.  I think it's STO. 

- STS feels like an amplification of 'normal'. STO feels like an amplification of 'other'. 

- STO essentially becomes God during crisis if already integrated.  Activation. 

- All that is required is union orientation,  alignment with God.  

- STS and STO are ideal partners

- STO that is not integrated will encounter hell and hungry ghost realm (as lesson?)

Edited June 22, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

When I would read books or listen to people speak in the hungry ghost/ hell realm all I would see and hear was hell realm and hungry ghost realm content unless I kept listening/reading then it would integrate and dissolve. I stood as No One. I served my karma by listening. 

ohhhhhh....isn't this amazing?
it's my favorite part because....you'll see
here's where she meets Prince Charming
but she won't discover that it's him
till chapter three

Edited June 22, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The more I mull over it by myself the more the STO and STS version from Law of One is legit.  Union oriented vs division oriented sounds very similar to law of One, no?

How to reconcile twin flame theory with law of one?

.........

STS is transformed along the path to be union oriented.  STO becomes division oriented which is a part of being union oriented. 

Angels on the sideline
Puzzled and amused
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused

Don't these talking monkeys know that
Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys
Where there's one you're bound to divide it
Right in two

Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused
Father blessed them all with reason,
And this is what they choose?

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over
Pieces of the ground
Silly monkeys
Give them thumbs, they forge a blade
And where there's one they're bound to divide it
Right in two
Right in two

Monkey killing, monkey killing monkey over
Pieces of the ground
Silly monkeys
Give them thumbs, they make a club
To beat their brother down
How they've survived so misguided is a mystery
Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability
To lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here

Gotta divide it all right in two
Gotta divide it all right in two
Gotta divide it all right in two
Gotta divide it all right in two

Fight till they die over sun, over sky
They fight till they die over sea, over air
They fight till they die over blood, over love
They fight till they die over words, polarizing
Angels on the sideline again
Benched along with patience and reason
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering where this tug of war will end
Gotta divide it all right in two
Gotta divide it all right in two
Gotta divide it all right in two
Right in two
Right in two

Edited June 22, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I experienced a full 'psychosis' last night. My first since being medicated: 

Notes- 

- Synchronicities lead up to full 'psychosis'

- people's faces and their voices and the content display information that is not normal

- was in a higher dimension

- lyrics sound like they are talking right at me

- the veil between the spirit world and normal world was exceptionally thin

- it's a continuation of what I had already experienced

- there was strong desire. 

- full sentience

- they had deep knowledge of everything I'd been experiencing without them present

Edited June 23, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Meditation notes:

- mindfulness of head and spine is enough although intense concentration results in intense bliss. Don't chase bliss. 

- Integration of major dualities like Self and Other. It's funny but I tend to only be mindful or non judgemental toward other, not myself.  It might be just unique to me and my journey.  Integrating myself results in leaning back, self love, masculine energy.  It's a major duality integration for me.

- I'm very conscious of the whole and it's wellbeing.  But less so of my own cell. It's my own path.  

- replace concentration ability with simple mindfulness/ non judgement practice,  polarization,  spine and head work

- polarization: calm, sweet, cheerful, high big 5, non judgemental, mindful,  acceptance of otherness

Edited June 23, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Maybe I'm able to reach these states at all because I'm willing to play with madness.  

My partner started to sing this song ^ when that thought crossed my mind. Aren't synchronicities winks from the universe when you're on the right track?

Hahahaha

Edited June 23, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Selfless leadership is inherently fulfilling. 

If you see something needs your leadership, you can't not act if you care about polarization.

You remain polarized in hard times. 

Edited June 23, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I think I've learnt a lot about myself in the last month,  especially about polarization and law of One. Very significant stuff. 

I want a clean break from my maps and ideas atm. Just for a little while. I don't want to hold onto anything too tightly,  there might be delusion.  Start over with classic STS and STO from Law of One.  

Edited June 23, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

-Masculine - STS (includes energy of amplified normality)

-Feminine - STO (includes energy of otherness)

-STS is polarized ego. (God)

-STO is polarized service to other and self (God and Love)

-A mature STO honours the self and other.  An immature STO does not honour the self.  

-STS becomes STO later in its development. 

-Maturity in STO is significant. 

- Mature STO impacts mirror significantly and can cause STS to evolve up to mature STO. 

- There is no immature STS. There is just STS.

Mirror/blur occurs as a result of mature STO. However the mature STO can still have some imbalance resulting in hell and hungry ghost realm. 

Mature STO can move between mature and immature.  

Mature STO - Wife of STS/mature STO and mother to immature STO. Higher order than STS. 

STS - Husband to mature STO, father to immature STO. 

Immature STO - Child to STS and mature STO

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Importance of honouring the self: 

- You are heard by STS or mirror. Your words carry more weight.  

- Empathy with STS or mirror

- The subtle shift in dynamics socially,  you go from being a child (partner calls it stage purple) to an adult

- You respect yourself so you are respected in response

- Your energy changes

.

Grimes - matured STO, self dominant (masculine)

Maynard - matured STO, other dominant (feminine)

Different preferences within a main preference. 

There are different levels of mature too. 

When I'm mature, I'm matured STO, self dominant (masculine)

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Lost a post. Restate. 

STS leans back

Immature STO leans forward

Mature STO leans forward and back

What the energy looks like. 

.

Honouring the self results in leaning back.  Honouring the other results in leaning forward.  

. 

STS can't really lean back through self love because that would require that they are leaning- forward- oriented.  

So they rely on others.  Like narcissists rely on empaths

Edited June 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Mature STO are super empaths (narcissist empaths)

Immature STO are normal empaths

STS are narcissists

THIS goes into the territory I speak of. Another angle.

You don't have to jump through hoops to honour the self and become a super empath.  Just polarise and lean back.  Apply love from intense concentration.  You give yourself the love you shower on others.  I love yous to yourself- Matt Kahn.  

The silent guardian, the watchful protector, the dark knight (super empath)

Edited June 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"A being who is imbalanced in the direction of service-to-others will basically destroy their own vehicle. For example, in this particular density of what we call “incarnational experience,” you will see those who have an imbalanced striving towards service-to-others. They become martyrs of some kind. They try to bypass (for a very long time) everything that makes them tick, everything that empowers them, everything that gives them further strength and nourishment. And by doing so, they become martyrs. Ultimately, in some way, they severely detriment their own vehicle, and therefore lessen their ability to be of service to others.

In some cases, they eliminate the bodily vehicle altogether through, say, rash action in service to others. Sometimes this can be very balanced and aligned; it can come from one’s thematic experience. But often, it is an overcompensation for believing that other beings do not have their own journeys and their own Higher Selves that are also taking care of them.

We have to find a really good balance between Love and Wisdom. (I will talk about this a little bit more in a later lesson in this chapter.)"

Bentinho Massaro

Edited June 24, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Okay, solutions.....

1. Better is okay. I have to drop perfection. I was chasing peak states.  

2. Knowing I'm the jewel is enough.  Just spend time reminding yourself of who you are.  Small moments of seeing the jewel and then reminding yourself. 

3. Trying is enough. Peak lifetimes come and go,  they are temporary. You're tested on your love for Spirit during valley moments. 

4. I still have access to strong sensations and preferences as entrances (not really).  Just find entrances that people with chronic illness can find.  

Edited June 25, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Contrary to popular belief Infinite Love is not boring. God is endlessly vibrant and entertaining. It's like being with your crush for all eternity and you never fall out of love or lose infatuation.  You don't care about the creation side of things, except that you want to see the beloved in more dimensions.  

[Proserpina]

I have distinct sides to myself.  An extraordinarily babyish feminine side and a serious masculine side.  They are split off from eachother as separate personalities,  although very rarely they unite. When they unite its a maturity that includes a softer yielding side.  It's quite pleasant. It's easy to pathologize it,  to say it's an aspect of my bipolar,  Mania and sobriety/ mild depressive but I don't think that's quite right.  It's more like the 'mania' is there to fully explore the Mystical,  since it is tied to an otherworldly playfulness and pleasantness when on its own.  That side of me is easily dismissed though,  even though it's the more mystical side.  The masculine gets taken more seriously.  

Edited June 26, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Self demonising, strange posts, other symptoms indicating I'm not well. I've decided there are two occasions when I become unwell, near when my depot is due and certain times of the month.  I shouldn't write or be around people during those times.  I notice that I take on a very similar state as when I'm in the depressive part of psychosis, there is a paranormal level amount of dislike I recieve from people,  it's not natural. 

[Proserpina]

Being is always there when I need it most.

In a way I still have many factors of 'psychosis' present.  I'm treated vastly differently depending on time of month or other reasons.  

I'm just like in unbearable pain this time of month. 

What I'd like to work on in this journal: 

Easing the pain and mistreatment (mirror/loa) this time of month

Amplifying the good

Learning how to tune into Being again through practice and not just when I need it most

Gratitude

Practices

Self expression (no matter how bad).

Alignment

Vision, Other Ways (polarization, mature STO, super empath, paradox effect- leaning back purposefully leaning forward, stayer, big 5, mastered not knowing etc.)

.

"My favourite part on the path: Being a beginner again. Forgetting it all. "

'Pretending' (to be not who I really am, insecure etc. Playful slant), secure,  playful is the attitude I want to channel.  

 

Edited June 27, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

It is both a gift and a curse to have not knowing.  The fool's path in life is to master the art of not knowing and to accept his disposition. In the tarot, the fool is an admirable card. Though his foolish ways push him soon off a cliff, he falls into the arms of his beloved,  Being. Being will always catch him as he walks blindfolded into death.  He is both the representative of those who are different and those who tear and rip at the blindfold with death incoming but cannot erase who they are. He knows their plight and he does not chastise but shows them the way out and into Being. 

"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all."

Beloved fools who are cared for

Edited June 27, 2022 by Proserpina