Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

This is why I appreciate Jojo. He doesn't make me feel like a disordered psychotic freak.  He sees my value. I'm normal in his eyes and it heals me.  Being around someone normal is also helpful.  

[Proserpina]

I say embrace the Fool archetype. I'm the Fool.  A beautiful major arcana Fool. Not a minor, a major player.  

Can't we all relate to the Fool archetype on some level?

Edited June 14, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

[Proserpina]

I disagree with the notion that the fool is the beginning.  I see it is an archetype for those who don't really fit to any archetypes.  Those who are different, rather than 'less advanced'. Different is okay.  For those who have been shamed and laughed at.  Being laughed at is okay.  For those who are ignored and dismissed.  Being ignored is okay.  And you can be the fool as a major player, as a service to other, who listens and is receptive and moldable, who has the best interests for humanity.  Something I aspire to, whether or not I mess up,  aspiration is polarization.  

Edited June 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

 

[Proserpina]

Arthur Fleck (the joker) is a major player because he fully accepts his difference and made a choice for polarization - either STS or a STO who messes up a lot as a result of being different. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I was just discussing with my partner how the Joker is already a major player,  he doesn't have to change himself to become like another one of the major tarot cards like 'strength' or 'temperance'. He's already in the major suit. My partner emphasizes that the joker needs to change, to improve and become like one of the other cards or neurotypical if he can but I disagree. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I'm still on the fence as to what the disembodied voices are.  I've considered timeline shifts but the voices don't seem to obey time at all and don't obey embodiment either.  They seem sentient and have opinions, feelings and thoughts.  

I wrote this when I was seeing them:

"The Demons/higher god with excess are fully alive and sentiment. They are watching your every movement, your every screw up. They see you on the toilet, in the shower. It's extremely intimate. They all have their own opinions and feelings on what you are doing. They will judge you harshly. They will 'encourage' you to be prettier, smarter, better (that's not love). They will call you ugly and dumb. They know everything about you. 

It's super intimate. "

"The Demon/Gods scoff at the idea of me ascending or realizing I am God. I am a God of excess just like them. I am a Demon too. 

They want me to free them, to help them break free of excess. I am their hope, their light. They put all their hope in me. And I continuously disappoint and anger them them because I am a Demon,  a God of excess just like them.  

That's why they are so angry. I won't set them free. "

"They might not put their hope in me anymore. That was a long time ago. 

I had momentarily broken all/most excess for all the demons and myself during my 1st and 2nd Mystical experience. That's why they they put their hope in me. I was their saviour and then I kept disappointing them by not saving them/setting them free. And they became angry, murderous."

"All they want is to be set free from their excess. 

They get really really upset when that doesn't happen. 

They want to make you suffer, boil you alive and eat you. Hell realm. They despise you for being a Demon and not freeing them.

"They despise you that you aren't smart enough to set them free. 

The more hope of being set free the nicer they are to you. But you have to demonstrate that you can do it. 

Mystical experiences are like the death for a newbie. The Demons put all their hope into you and become increasingly more angry and murderous when you can't duplicate the Mystical experience. They you are just a worthless Demon like them. "

"The more you evolve spiritually, the nicer they are to you. They have more hope, more faith. But still that is samsara. You are a slave to the Demons. You are imprisoned and forced to evolve. 

The real work happens when you go no contact and accept God's love. Evolve spiritually for yourself, not for them. "

"By writing to you right now, it's extremely dangerous. I'm acting like I'm the buddha (Note: you have to act normal, or they see you). The Demons know who I am. They want to scare me into freeing them. They want to enslave me into freeing them. They want to hurt me for being a Demon. All Demons deserve the worst suffering to them. 

But I have to write. "

"The less you act like the buddha/tell people you are the buddha, the less they know who you are. 

So then they don't have as many opinions and thoughts about you. Because they don't know who you are. 

The higher God with excess is not always watching you if you remain masked/quiet. If you don't act or tell anyone you're the buddha. "

"I found the wizard of Oz. The man behind the Veil. His whereabouts was a woman's love. 

Layer 4 is layer 2 without excess. It's God without excess. The feminine also becomes only layer 2, when she integrates layer 4 and dissolves layer 3/transforms layer 3. "

Edited June 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

For anyone interested in disembodied voices, I created a theory while I was transitioning over.  Don't take any of it literally, including the terms 'God' and 'not God', 'feminine' and 'masculine', 'woman', 'man'. 

to summarise my writings:

1. There is a hidden duality. This duality is the connection to the 'other world'.

2. I call it masculine and feminine because it seems to align with the attributes of masculine and feminine

3. There are groups of people who have this 'extra' duality.

4. When there is an imbalance one side of the duality calls to the other side of the duality. The feminine can either respond or ignore. 

5. Masculine mostly leans back.  Feminine leans forward.  'Man' leans back.  'Woman' leans forward.  Feminine/ 'woman' has to learn to lean back (becoming masculine/'man') through recieving love or other means. Masculine /man has to learn to lean forward (becoming feminine/'woman') through giving love or other means. 

Disclaimer: Take this extremely loosely. Including the term God, feminine and masculine. I only wrote this for myself as a pointer during transition:

"God created a duality.  God and not God. Love individuals (feminine) are God. God individuals are not God (masculine)"

"God (Love) created not God so he could be loved. 

Everything is God, including not God. Not God is God giving love to himself,  God. "

"All feminine are God, whether or not merged. 

Merging is what happens when she starts to accept love from not God. 

Then she becomes a part of the Trinity "

"Then she becomes who she always was, God."

"And so does not God become God, because he was always God. 

But there will always be that duality of God and not God. Because God seeks Love."

"God hides his face from her (God) until she receives his love.  "

"Merge occurs when there is an imbalance. 

Imbalance is apart of being merged. There has to be an imbalance to remain merged. 

Imbalance = stay running. Don't stop running.  "

"There's an imbalance now.  So I'm merging. "

Disclaimer: Take this extremely loosely. Including the term God, woman and man. I only wrote this for myself as a pointer during transition:

" Basically God is a woman. Who she is has the perfect amount of love. Although she can have excess of Love. 

To access the realm of the Gods you have to access the realm of women.  

God's love is a woman's love. 

God's whereabouts is a woman's love and God's intentions is a woman's love.

Women can be clingy and have an excess of Love but they are still women at their core. 

Not God has to become a woman with no excess of Love and God, who is a woman,  has to become not God/lean back. "

"Only a woman can access the realm of women and women's love by being a man/leaning back. "

"A woman (God) merges by becoming a man (leaning back)"

"In response to the woman (God) becoming a man, the men become women and have women's love. "

"Even though the woman becomes a man when she merges, she is still a woman.

She's just dressing up as a man. But she identifies as a woman. "

"Merging is what happens when a woman realises her power as a woman and becomes/dresses up as a man."

"Once she becomes/dresses up as a man she can see the realm of women and women's love.

The men around her dress up as/become women and have women's love. He is still a man even though he becomes/is dressed up as a woman.  

The energy dynamics then determine if there is an excess of woman-ness and man-ness in the relationship between the man and woman. "

"I suspect the feminine has to focus on feeling loved, since New world allstar talks about pulling your energy in (leaning back). 

It's possible her excess of man-ness and woman-ness is an excess of love/leaning forward still. "

"Layer 1: human man (mirror: feminine is a human)

Layer 2: realm of gods (mirror: feminine is a God. )

Layer 3: Gods of excess (mirror: feminine is a God of excess)

Layer 4: Love (mirror: feminine chooses love)

Layer 4 transforms and dissolves Layer 3."

"The mirror is you in the opposite form

Layer 1: woman (man)

Layer 2: becomes a man (becomes a woman)

Layer 3: Excess- leaning forward (Excess- leaning back)

Layer 4: Feels loved (Is loving) "

"The mirror is you in the opposite form and switches genders each level typically: 

Layer 1: woman (man)

Layer 2: man (woman)

Layer 3: excess- woman (excess-man) 

Layer 4: man (woman)"

"Layer 3 dissolves because love causes you to be zen with no excess. You are perfectly balanced in leaning forward and leaning back. Layer 3 still exists but it is zen, perfectly balanced. 

It becomes: 

Layer 1: woman/man

Layer 2: realm of Gods

Layer 3: Zen

Layer 4: Love

From: 

Layer: woman/man

Layer 2: realm of Gods

Layer 3: Gods of excess

Layer 4: No love

"Stages: 

Stage 1-

Layer: woman/man

Layer 2: realm of Gods

Layer 3: Gods of excess

Layer 4: No love

Stage 2: 

Layer: woman/man

Layer 2: realm of Gods

Layer 3: Gods of excess

Layer 4: Love

Stage 3:

Layer 1: woman/man

Layer 2: realm of Gods

Layer 3: Zen

Layer 4: Love"

Edited June 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

It's like the twin flame journey but on a grander scale. 

When I transition its almost like I'm being hoovered. 

[Proserpina]

What I'm trying to indicate in my post and writings about 'god' and 'not god' is that whatever was happening was a type of mirror that eventually dissolved into pure God. 

A transitional phase between the normal realm and pure God. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I say it's feminine and masculine because it appears as the twin flame journey but on a larger scale.  (Don't take what I say next literally, it's an energy.)  The feminine is long suffering, aware and spiritually connected.  The masculine is narcisstic but beautiful, cold hearted, a 'spoiled' prince.  His energy pulls back, her energy leans forward, at her own expense, she gets taken for granted.  If you are familiar with the twin flame journey, particularly the way New world all star describes it, you'll see it's a very similar energy dynamic and duality. 

Edited June 16, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

We're talking about abstract energies and their interaction. There are patterns of interaction.  These patterns resemble already existing patterns (like twinflame journey) just as the dualities follow a core pattern that desribe their disposition even though it is highly subtle. 

[Proserpina]

My mother just died and I've been stressed out and not thinking clearly.  I've been in a perpetual state of stress the last two years with my mother sick and experiencing hell states. It's like I'm in a state of shock still.  It took everything in me not to become a total asshole. I actually like everyone on here, I'm just reactive and processing trauma,  which can mean I bring up part hurt when I shouldn't. And I act irrationally and make a big deal out of nothing. 

Edited June 16, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Going to take a long break. I can sense I'm becoming unwell. I'm demonizing myself, no. 1 sign. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Proserpina I'm here if you want to talk. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. 

 

[Proserpina]

@Preety_India Thank you. You're a good person. 

[Preety_India]

@Proserpina please take care of yourself. You are in my prayers. 

 

[Proserpina]

-Feminine and masculine holds the key to intentionally connecting with the spirit world. Leaning back, leaning forward

-Integration of anima/animus

-Realm of Gods is the spirit world.  Realm of Women is how you get there (for STO), the normal world crossing over. Leaning back for the feminine (integration) results in total leaning forward mirror and spirit world. 

-Higher Beings have Self and Other,  masculine and feminine, leaning back and leaning forward totally integrated

-Spirit realm leans back for STS. Spirit realm leans forward for STO. 

-Spirit realm coincides with aspects of normal reality. They're influenced by each other, cross over, overlap. Its not so separate, it's blurred. Alchemy. Learning the aspects is like learning the Philosopher's stone. 

-Healing and manifestation abilities coincide with integration and polarization and the spirit world. Integration yet again the key. 

-The spirit world is around us all the time. There are doorways by mimicking it. Mimicking is one of the most powerful ways of entrance since the normal reality and the spirit realm overlap significantly. Its a kind of witchcraft. 

-Mimicking is also useful for manifestation and healing but in this case you'd be using spirit rather than 'the elements' or energy, although there's an interaction between spirit and wellbeing. 

-STS and STO are in a relationship with the earth and its people and the spirit world. The earth, its people and the spirit world are overlapping. When they practice reverence and integration it transforms.  STS has to learn to lean forward through soul lessons and STO has to learn to lean back through soul lessons.  

-Integration = Imbalance. Same thing. New world allstar teaches STO how to pull in energy and how it feels. 

-'God' and 'not God' is wrong label (I think? I'm not certain. I was in a drastically different state when I wrote that).  But it pointed me to how spirit world and normal world overlap. I had a bias toward feminine. 

-Paranoia/delusion is to be expected and may not even be totally delusion/paranoia since it's all blurred and overlapping. Face the darkness. Stand in your conviction that you are ultimately powerful, immortal and cannot be harmed. 

-Hell realm caused by delusion and lack of integration, but primarily delusion. Running around trying to integrate and meditate is not the solution. Solve by dropping delusion. 

-STS and STO also interact.  STS and STO stand out to each other. Depressed STS can trigger 'activation' in STO and STO will evoke spirit realm and try to convince STS to practice Love (message of Love) with the help of activation, her presence and the spirit realm. 

STO and STS will feel like 'old friends'. STS will particularly be sensitive to any imbalance within humanity and within himself that is due to his long held stubbornness and STO's gradual absence.  He will call out to STO and may become depressed when he receives no response.

STS is a reflection of what the mirror (humanity etc.) does at large,  but more exaggerated with worrisome results.  STS will become more and more depressed and therefore selfish. He will become stubborn in his polarization, not feeling the need or desire to integrate the opposite polarity.  

Eventually STO will be forced to respond. And she'll respond with everything she has in her. She'll use the spirit realm, her presence/polarity/strength and activation, all to avoid a possibly dire situation. 

- Medication is an illusion.  I leaned too far forward and broke the mirror (I see signs of that frequently, broken mirrors). There's a lack of imbalance/integration. 

- Mastery of the human realm and the appearance of the spirit realm occur simultaneously. 

- There is still excess in the spirit realm and lessons to be learnt

- The spirit realm feels like being dead.  There can be temporary hells and heavens (realms of samsara) but only souls that can more than handle it will go there.  Incapable souls are protected. 

- Demons of excess are very reasonable.  Anyone incapable is protected. 

Edited June 19, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Analysis of 'channeling'/ mystic state, under "Artaemis": 

"I've noticed a pattern where at some point in your purification journey people begin to interpret you as entitled and arrogant. That could be due to many reasons. It may be the case here. Something is going on as a collective in this community. I don't think it's negative. "

Noticing mass STS polarization OR leaning back for some reason. 

"Angels hold you in the highest regard (because you are God). That's bound to have an impact. "

Thought perhaps leaning back may have been caused by presence , activation and spirit world.  

"@Martin123 I admire your heart. You have a beautiful heart. "

See another STO being attacked by depressed STS/ leaning back people. 

"@remember Your masculine approach is cool but right now it's not going to get through to anyone when they feel devalued and unsafe. The feminine approach exists for a reason as well. The divine masculine naturally embodies the aspect of GOD. The divine feminine the aspect of (feminine) LOVE and HEART.  Both need to be honored. "

The importance of both polarities. Masculine and feminine, Self and Other, leaning back and leaning forward.  I was looking strictly at the territory, no logic.  STS/ masculine/ leaning back looked like what most people think of as God realization. I had no logic *shrugs*

 

"I find Maynard (who has done a lot of spiritual work on himself, and no doubt psychedelics) is an example of someone who has embodied both aspects of God and of Love. And he is INTJ, with not much persona or Fe. It is possible. Making people feel loved with the warm fuzzies is not shallow, ego serving or surface-level necessarily. "

Maynard is crossing over. 

"The warmth is missing. 

'Compassion and understanding' alone doesn't quite describe the energy missing. Lackluster description."

Trying to get them to integrate the opposite duality.  STO/ leaning forward/ the Other (it works)

"@Martin123 I believe you're aware of this too. So you walk in truth I think. "

"@Martin123 Just some criticism. You need to work on recognizing your divinity a little more. It's impacting your interactions with others and the energy you are emitting. If you keep following on the path of love (your strength) this will all sort itself."

Trying to help STO. Come across as rude instead. 

"I love you <3"

Trying to get STO to lean back through love. 

"@Martin123 I apologize. Sometimes I like to preach after my most recent major awakening because it SO significantly shifted how others engage with me, its ridiculous. It's still fresh and I'm still adjusting. I didn't mean to make it seem that I'm 'further along' on the path. Next time I'll try to be more careful in my approach."

............

Right after that a huge wave of peace hit humanity and myself and everyone became higher beings for a time because they understood what I meant.  

Edited June 19, 2022 by Proserpina