Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

I realised I don't need to chase. I already have what I want and I remained close to it during that time. That's all I can ask of myself.  Everything 'bad' will inevitably pass away with time.  

Edited May 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

It is the hero's journey to remain steadfast to the Jewel -the self and all of life- even while the enemy enters your house.  I've been blessed with rest but even if I wasn't blessed with rest I would remain steadfast and be infinitely blessed.  

[Proserpina]

I have some personal grievances toward some members on this forum. Mostly that I was mistreated during psychosis (diagnosed with psychosis and schizoaffective) and shown very little compassion when I was disabled. That makes me mad. People's lack of compassion on this forum caused me to enter a very dark psychosis lasting months. Makes me want to break shit. But I don't let it affect my journal or my participation on the forum. I still love this forum and the people on it and always will. 

[Proserpina]

I experienced a oneness with members on this forum when I was high as a kite. Not on drugs.  

I have a lot of love toward people on this forum for that reason who don't know me at all, don't care at all or even hate me.  My memories don't match up with theirs. 

It kinda hurts.  

[Proserpina]

These disorders make you so vulnerable.  It's insane.  

I have a pain that will never leave.  

I'm just a girl who has learning difficulties,  'special needs'. I have God too. Don't ask me to explain anything to you, I'm not wired that way.  I don't want this vulnerability.  

And yet, it's all I want.  I want it so badly. 

[Proserpina]

I don't feed the pain.  But the pain is bottomless. Its serious.

I didn't cause my psychosis, I didn't feed it. I meditated 24/7 during psychosis. I did EVERYTHING to alleviate it. 

And I still failed.  But I have the Jewel so I can never fail.  

I do know if I hadn't meditated I would be locked up in a psychward or jail right now. 

[Proserpina]

My Dad punched me twice in the head the other day.  He doesn't like my disorder, says he is ashamed of me. That he didn't bring me up to have schizoaffective. He read my psych report about how I thought demons were trying to drag me to hell.  He punched me and and then he said he would deny it. 

[Proserpina]

People can be so cruel. 

I'm not even violent or mean during psychosis. I'm polite and all I do is meditate.  People laugh at me because I meditate with my hands and my eyes closed while walking.

[Proserpina]

My boyfriend Joseph. Sometimes we play minecraft together.  Now he's addicted (thanks to moi). He analysed it to death hahaha. 

Intuitives what ya gonna do. 

Intuitives analyse to death.  

Feelers cry. 

Combine them both and you have me.

Edited May 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

My boyfriend has to deal with questions all day concerning my journal:

"Why aren't I funny?"

"WHY aren't I a good writer?"

"Does this make any sense?"

"Why does no one talk to me? No one likes me" *someone tries talking to me and I run away*

Drives my boyfriend crazy. He usually just nods his head in agreement or says something I want to hear. He's a great writer and speaker.  I'm jealous of him.  

Edited May 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I met my boyfriend during my very first psychosis. I thought he was talking to me in his journals and posts when he wasn't.  A common theme in my psychoses. He was my mentor and spiritual teacher at that time, atleast in my head.  I would message him and tell my thoughts to this person who really didn't exist.  Something I tried to pull off with Leo when a similar thing happened during my second psychosis that cost me 10 points and a ban warning and then a spiral down into a horrific depressive psychosis. Joseph was very gentle and kind toward me however that first time so I never entered a depressive psychosis that time.  

When we finally did talk we discovered we were compatible and fell in love. I frequently experience premonitions and and clairvoyance during psychosis and a part of me knew he was the one. I often say I spoke to a God-avatar and then my soulmate was birthed out of that when I snapped out of trance. 

That first psychosis was only positive and my first true experience with a God avatar that lasted 7 months.  

He's my best friend.  I spend every waking moment with him.  

[Proserpina]

 

Edited May 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

My psychoses and experiences with God aren't so separated, they're combined.  I'll meet a God-avatar at the same time I'm witnessing 'demons' or Genies/Jinn. He is very chill, humorous and cool though and doesn't seem involved with the drama. He gives instructions and helpful advice. He tells me it is only a dream and to wake up.  

Walking helps with waking up.  

 

[Proserpina]

It is an issue of processing. How am I processing truth? 

I studied my 'delusions' and hallucinations recently that I've been having.  

[Proserpina]

I remember breaking down crying because I couldn't meditate anymore and I couldn't remember what it meant to meditate. That meant disaster in psychosis. I've always been gifted at noticing awareness but I never knew what that meant.  Now I know how to tap into that deliberately and won't suddenly lose it.  

"Give thanks to the Lord" my deceased mother reminds me.  

Edited May 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

When people talk about seeing messages when they have schizophrenia what they are really seeing is messages to their true selves. When someone is talking to someone else they are really talking to THEM. That is how they see it.  Because they are fully identified as the true self. 

People with schizophrenia are aware of their true self but it's distorted due to inexperience.  

[Proserpina]

Messages to the true self and messages from the true self.  It's how there can be communication that transcends time and space.  

[Proserpina]

12 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

When people talk about seeing messages when they have schizophrenia what they are really seeing is messages to their true selves. When someone is talking to someone else they are really talking to THEM. That is how they see it.  Because they are fully identified as the true self. 

People with schizophrenia are aware of their true self but it's distorted due to inexperience.  

They have to become aware that the person talking to them is the self as well (they are half aware,  that the RECIEVER is the self,  not the sender, when its both). They are not separate. And at that point their thoughts will start to impact reality like what happened with me.  

Edited May 30, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

So in a way there are two Awakenings that have to unify and one without the other causes distortions.  If someone else is the wizard/the sender that's also a half awakening and a distortion. 

The Sender is the Self.  (Everyone is Eva - Leo/God pretending to be everyone, we are legion, 'demon possession', aliens)

The Reciever is the Self (Everyone is Eva - messages,  personal)

[Proserpina]

In a way the Sender is the Self is a higher awakening.