Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

"God is just a deep insight into the nature of what Being is.

It's easier to realize Being than it is to realize God.

Realizing Being is like a fish in water realizing water. Realizing God is like a fish in water realizing the whole ocean as one giant superorganism." -Leo Gura

Exactly. I'm focused on the second realization.  It does not surpass the first realization,  it is a further appreciation.  

Being is everything to me.  

[Proserpina]

I don't think the voices I see are directed to me specifically. At first.  They are directed toward who I really am,  who I'm in touch with in that state.  

If I believe they are directed toward me specifically (my ego self), they actually become that way but are almost always negative.  They tell me I'm ugly, stupid, immoral etc.. which causes me to lose touch with who I really am,  which causes the negative voices.  God-avatar lifts me up and directs me to who I really am.  Being trapped in the illusion lowers my state of consciousness. 

[Proserpina]

I am my ego self but I'm also so much more than that.  Some voices try to limit me and make me feel small and separated. 

I feel a bonding and love with the wise voices. 

[Proserpina]

Just heard -"Pay no mind what other voices say,  they don't care about you like I do" - Pet, A Perfect Circle

This is what I mean by I hear disembodied voices.  Along with olfactory and other types of hallucinations/ supernatural phenomenon. 

 

[Proserpina]

The manifestation/ translation of Being is usually a quality (like love or wisdom) behind other voices or forms rather than a full manifestation like above. 

Edited May 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

1 hour ago, Proserpina said:

I don't think the voices I see are directed to me specifically. At first.  They are directed toward who I really am,  who I'm in touch with in that state.  

If I believe they are directed toward me specifically (my ego self), they actually become that way but are almost always negative.  They tell me I'm ugly, stupid, immoral etc.. which causes me to lose touch with who I really am,  which causes the negative voices.  God-avatar lifts me up and directs me to who I really am.  Being trapped in the illusion lowers my state of consciousness. 

Also in that state you realize it's all imaginary, everyone is you and you are all alone as God.  Which is terrifying and can turn the voices negative. 

[Proserpina]

It's so hard not to take the voices personally when it is personal. 

[Proserpina]

Sometimes I feel like God holds a counsel to decide whether or not to wake up/ go back into 'psychosis'. Based on my growth/ understanding and writings. 

He's been telling me to stay asleep for awhile now. 

I can be incompetent, manic, Megalomaniac, delusional when awake/semi awake. 

The beings kept warning me they were going to doorslam me if I didn't fix things.  And it happened.  Treatment order.  But God can always override that, like he has been. 

Edited May 28, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

At one point during psychosis I was able to hear a voice in my head that I was semi controlling.  It was both a 'voice' -like how I talk about voices normally- and a thought in my head.  It would control everything around me and cause lining up or synchronicities in the world. 

I think it was the voice of God. 

Edited May 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

It taught me the importance of sexuality in being able to control my mystic states. 

 

[Proserpina]

It's a very subtle shift from person to consciousness. Emotions and law of attraction are an indicator but don't have to be. You can get there through awareness (deliberate, more stable, fully awake) or embodiment. 

The voice being my own is a further realization that I am consciousness or God. Even though in that state you are aware that everything is you already. 

[Proserpina]

The first time I spoke to God-avatar it was through embodiment AND awareness (and recognition).

Gotta learn to do it deliberately with awareness.  Embodiment takes too long and the voices can quickly destroy any progress.  Embodiment = awareness, but awareness is deliberate, stable and fast.  

That in tangent with recognition of God-avatar disempowers the voices.  Any negativity will either become information or I won't be drawn to it.  

Edited May 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Psychosis: Voices are empowered. No awareness, embodiment, recognition.

Experiences with God: Voices are disempowered. Awareness, embodiment, recognition. 

 

[Proserpina]

Angels or God-avatar show up sometimes when you are really lost in person hood while awake (so you are in some kind of limbo state between awake and asleep) and remind you who you really are so you can get back home. 

They are guides shifting through any realms, unlimited but especially when you are lost.  

[Proserpina]

Person hood/ lack of awareness causes the voices to become empowered. You deal with lower realms where there are voices/ entities that want to disempower you and empower themselves.  

[Proserpina]

Listening to the voices/entities while in personhood is like listening to a sweet siren. Soon enough they will drag you down into the depths. 

[Proserpina]

Note to self: Mania and depressive. High and low.  

Careful how you play with heaven.  Take control,  tie yourself to the mast. 

[Proserpina]

Heaven is limbo that hasn't yet reached the depths.  The siren's song.  The depths are hell.  

[Proserpina]

I think it's great that there is a space here for people like me to process and heal.  

[Proserpina]

Benton phrases the difference between psychosis and God really well: 

"As far as I can tell recognizing "other" as self is a big step in figuring it out. Everything makes a lot more sense for me knowing that it is all me. Being actually conscious of it is necessary though. Consciousness is required for understanding.

Psychosis: lost in content.

God: Aware as all."

"So What is the difference for me? Clarity.

Nothing is clear when psychotic. Everything is clear as God. The amount of self judgment is very high for me when psychotic as well. While God consciousness is characterized by a lack of judgment. I lean more towards understanding rather than judging. Also I am not aware of myself as the one who is imaging what I experience during psychosis. And if I am, I'm still making some subtle distinction between me and the me that is imagining.

 I have insights into God during a psychosis. It just gets real warped.

Psychosis: I don't have choices I need to follow my destiny that is for the highest love. And if I don't follow these certain things I am bad. God wants me to do so and so. And then crank up the imagination juice too. God is secondary to me. 

God: I am infinitely free. And I love myself completely and accept every part of myself. No bias one way or the other. Everything is ok. I am conscious of myself as imagination/consciousness. God is primary to everything.

definitely experienced some truth with what I was calling psychosis. It's just so warped when compared to me being directly conscious of myself without anything in between. 

Things are much clearer for me now than they once where. But I still have to be careful."

Edited May 29, 2022 by Proserpina