Feel like I am dying after breakup. Help?

[Seven7]

Hello everyone

 

I’ve been a big fan of Leo and his content for years and have frequently checked this forum though never making an account. Really has helped me in multiple aspects of my life. However I finally pulled the trigger and made my account because I am going through a really difficult time right now and need perspective and I guess also just some people to talk to 

 

Recently my (ex) girlfriend broke up with me. We dated nearly 3 years. I 100% deserved it as I was not a good boyfriend towards the end. We had a very loving and healthy relationship at first but the last 6-8 months I had been extremely distant and treated her worse. This stemmed from the fact that in all honesty, I wanted to have sex with other women. I wanted to be single. She is absolutely gorgeous and attractive but I couldn’t shake this feeling no matter how hard I tried so I knew it was ending, I guess my way of dealing with it was to slowly let it die(my mistake) instead of cutting it off. 
 

Anyways about last month she decided to end it. I was hurt really bad and we spent the last month in a toxic cycle of the breakup, but me clinging and promising to change, us getting back, but similar patterns repeating, so breakup again. All until last night when she went to a party and I called her wanting to talk but she didn’t pickup, causing me to freak out and call a couple more times until she did. Then she basically tells me it’s done there’s no chance and I can hear her friends in the background calling me a horrible person and a liar etc etc. All of this plus my prior freakout led me to have a bit of a mental breakdown and I cried while on the phone lol yes very pathetic. Then we said our goodbyes and I blocked her 

 

This is causing me a ton of distress. I have always been affected extremely hard by breakups. I had a 3-4 year relationship a few years ago and with that breakup I was an absolute wreck for months. This breakup I feel is hitting me even worse. She is an incredible high quality woman. Very authentic and has a lot of integrity. Extremely loyal and very beautiful and hard working. Really she was perfect, but I’m not trying to get her back, I just want to move on. I physically feel like I am dying. I get massive waves of really intense painful sensations throughout my body. My thoughts are chaotic and irrational. I keep wanting to breakdown and cry and I feel like I’m in a strange weird nightmare world. Very depressed and anxious, I dream of her 2-3 different dreams a night or during a nap. I’m super close to quitting my job right now because I can’t handle dealing with customers in my mental state. 
 

I know what I have to do is basically level up. Become a better person and also improve my life in other aspects like finance and physically. I’m huge on self improvement (I’m sure we all are if we’re here right) so that part I have down, and I meditate 1 hour a day 30 minutes in the morning and 30 at night. I also know I can get another girl relatively quickly as I’m pretty attractive, 6’2” and muscular but I don’t think that will help right now lol. Basically I’m just really desperate for help and for someone to talk to. Why do breakups affect me so hard? I’m sure I have some type of Abandonment issues. How do I work through those? How do I survive this friends because it legit feels like my entire sense of self is being brutally shredded away. Thank you if you took the time to read this! 

[Harlen Kelly]

Take it easy bro, you ain't going to die. Watch this video from Leo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l96TZeZGlDg   

 

I would recommend you to not get involved in another relationship for at least a couple of months. You alienated her and were acting distant, but as soon as she broke it off, that triggered a lot of emotional pain and anguish on you. You need to work on your emotional attachments and change your mindset on relationships, otherwise this will continue to happen to you again, and again, and again. 

 

As long as you ''need'' a relationship or a person, first you won't really ever love that person unconditionally and second you will create unnecessary pain for you and that person. So stay off relationships for now, evolve your mentality in regards to relationships and watch the video I linked. 

 

And last but not least, there is no such a thing as ''the one''. That is an incredibly childish and juvenile notion. Unwire that belief. If you develop yourself and open yourself to unconditional love, you would never try to selfishly use another person as an emotional crutch, and therefore, you won't get attached. So work towards unconditional Love (which will enrich your relationships), instead of egoic, limited, dissatisfactory love (which is not even love). 

 

After you watch the first video, watch this from Rubert Spira https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7OwLAONIm8. You need to get this through your skull, otherwise this will become a recurring theme in your life. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[max duewel]

I feel you, man. That sounds like a rough breakup.
I know It's cliche but you just got to hang in there. Listen to nostalgic music that reminds you of your time together and cry your guts out.
Keep in mind that in an absolute sense it's not the fault of any of you. Reflect of might have gone wrong without guilt and entertain the thought that your life might get positively impacted by the pain you are now going through. 

From what you are sharing it sounds like she was a great woman, but keep in mind that you will find someone equally great if not better when you focus on your healing.

And now the most cliche thing: You will get better with time and If you survive the next months you will have grown a lot and you'll be ready at some point again for even deeper love.
Godspeed Man, I wish you the best.

[Shin]

22 minutes ago, max duewel said:

I feel you, man. That sounds like a rough breakup.
I know It's cliche but you just got to hang in there. Listen to nostalgic music that reminds you of your time together and cry your guts out.
Keep in mind that in an absolute sense it's not the fault of any of you. Reflect of might have gone wrong without guilt and entertain the thought that your life might get positively impacted by the pain you are now going through. 

From what you are sharing it sounds like she was a great woman, but keep in mind that you will find someone equally great if not better when you focus on your healing.

And now the most cliche thing: You will get better with time and If you survive the next months you will have grown a lot and you'll be ready at some point again for even deeper love.
Godspeed Man, I wish you the best.

[Seven7]

21 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

Take it easy bro, you ain't going to die. Watch this video from Leo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l96TZeZGlDg   

 

I would recommend you to not get involved in another relationship for at least a couple of months. You alienated her and were acting distant, but as soon as she broke it off, that triggered a lot of emotional pain and anguish on you. You need to work on your emotional attachments and change your mindset on relationships, otherwise this will continue to happen to you again, and again, and again. 

 

As long as you ''need'' a relationship or a person, first you won't really ever love that person unconditionally and second you will create unnecessary pain for you and that person. So stay off relationships for now, evolve your mentality in regards to relationships and watch the video I linked. 

 

And last but not least, there is no such a thing as ''the one''. That is an incredibly childish and juvenile notion. Unwire that belief. If you develop yourself and open yourself to unconditional love, you would never try to selfishly use another person as an emotional crutch, and therefore, you won't get attached. So work towards unconditional Love (which will enrich your relationships), instead of egoic, limited, dissatisfactory love (which is not even love). 

 

After you watch the first video, watch this from Rubert Spira https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7OwLAONIm8. You need to get this through your skull, otherwise this will become a recurring theme in your life. 

Thank you brother, both of these videos helped a lot (especially that first one which I am doing constantly now) and I’m feeling lots of insights. Like the poster above said it seems like I am craving after what I don’t have to fill that void. My ex left me because I wasn’t loving her properly, and that’s because I didn’t love myself. 
 

Suffering is brutal lol. What a wake up call it is 

[Inva]

@Seven7 Just keep on seeking support as you're doing here, breakups can be so difficult for the mind to adjust to. All the best pal 

[Flowerfaeiry]

You're going to feel like shit for a few weeks, but it will get better. I promise you will feel better. For now, try and really feel into your pain. Take good care of yourself and don't run away from it as best you can. Be super kind to yourself. Definitely watch Leo's video on breakups and also his video on how to deal with strong negative emotions. 

 

 

[museumoftrees]

I did the same thing in my last relationship that ended 3 months ago. I was getting more distant and less aware of her emotional needs towards the last 2-3 months because I wanted to have sex with other women. Just like you I let it die slowly instead of cutting it off. I sabotaged it.

I thought I was going to break up with her. She forecasted the slow death of our relationship with her hyper feminine intuition and broke things off before I did though... And just like you I was devastated.

I suggest you go to therapy and do serious contemplation. You need to figure out why you didn't cut it off immediately to go get yourself other women or why you couldn't chase the thoughts of other women and recommit to the one you had. That's what i'm currently doing.

[Seven7]

3 hours ago, museumoftrees said:

I did the same thing in my last relationship that ended 3 months ago. I was getting more distant and less aware of her emotional needs towards the last 2-3 months because I wanted to have sex with other women. Just like you I let it die slowly instead of cutting it off. I sabotaged it.

I thought I was going to break up with her. She forecasted the slow death of our relationship with her hyper feminine intuition and broke things off before I did though... And just like you I was devastated.

I suggest you go to therapy and do serious contemplation. You need to figure out why you didn't cut it off immediately to go get yourself other women or why you couldn't chase the thoughts of other women and recommit to the one you had. That's what i'm currently doing.

How do you deal with the guilt and regret? That is eating my alive right now. That knowing that I could have and should have done better but now will not get a chance. I keep re reading her last message and it just hits me so hard, it brings up feelings of being a terrible person, and reminds me of how selfish I have been throughout my life to all the people I love 

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Seven7 said:

How do you deal with the guilt and regret? That is eating my alive right now. That knowing that I could have and should have done better but now will not get a chance. I keep re reading her last message and it just hits me so hard, it brings up feelings of being a terrible person, and reminds me of how selfish I have been throughout my life to all the people I love 

Forgive yourself and learn from your lessons.

Guilt and regrets doesn't serves you or the next girlfriend you'll have.

They only waste your time and energy, time and energy you could use to be a better man.

[Seven7]

3 hours ago, Shin said:

Forgive yourself and learn from your lessons.

Guilt and regrets doesn't serves you or the next girlfriend you'll have.

They only waste your time and energy, time and energy you could use to be a better man.

I feel the most intense desire to get her back. Like I will do anything to get her back. In my mind right now I will 10000% percent become the right man. It’s insane how strongly I feel this lol. What can I do about this? Should I try and get her back? This feeling is too intense.

[Shin]

Just now, Seven7 said:

I feel the most intense desire to get her back. Like I will do anything to get her back. In my mind right now I will 10000% percent become the right man. It’s insane how strongly I feel this lol. What can I do about this? Should I try and get her back? This feeling is too intense.

It's not her you want back, it's how you felt being with her.

The good thing is, you can get this with any girl,
Or better, feel this way by yourself.

Think about it, the feeling is generated in you, it comes from inside you, not from her ...

 

[Preety_India]

Don't be so attached to someone. I know it's easier said than done. But remember this next time. 

Being so attached to someone who is not going to be around forever will bring you misery. 

 

[Tetcher]

It's a good opportunity to hop into monkhood. Because what are the possible outcomes of a relationship ? Either you break up like you just did but then what's the point of pursuing more, either you marry and you die together as in your souls fuse and leave at the same time, because if you live as two individual and you die years appart then there is no real difference as if you lived alone is there ? But how do you fuse together it doesn't seem an easy thing, you both have to want it absolutely. It then appears that the clearest and most certain path is monkhood, you pursue your own liberation and there are no shenanigans.

[Roy]

What you want to do is take time alone to really think about this, and focus on it. Go for a walk for an hour, not to any destination, just start walking, and don't bring your phone with you it's a distraction. Think about your relationship and where you went wrong, and her breaking up with you.

The way out of hell is THROUGH. Confront and move through all the emotions that come up. Cry like a baby. there is nothing wrong with crying at all. Even if you are a man! The sooner you feel and accept the present emotions the sooner and healthier you can move on.

It sounds like you actually already know what you're capable of with getting another girl, and taking care of yourself in general. So do that. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself, go buy yourself some ice cream! Does another person not wanting to be with you anymore affect any of your value? No absolutely not.

You want to accept and move through whatever comes up, and talk yourself through it so you get some closure. If you run away from those feelings or distract yourself they will just come up again, especially at inconvenient times like work.

Move forward, one steady step at a time. DO NOT seriously consider trying to get her back, destroy that possibility in your mind. The feelings and thoughts of wanting her back are your ego mind trying to seek comfort and avoid pain.

You cannot grow and move on without pain.

Hope this helps @Seven7. You are worthy

Edited May 4, 2021 by Roy

[Seven7]

7 minutes ago, Roy said:

What you want to do is take time alone to really think about this, and focus on it. Go for a walk for an hour, not to any destination, just start walking, and don't bring your phone with you it's a distraction. Think about your relationship and where you went wrong, and her breaking up with you.

The way out of hell is THROUGH. Confront and move through all the emotions that come up. Cry like a baby. there is nothing wrong with crying at all. Even if you are a man! The sooner you feel and accept the present emotions the sooner and healthier you can move on.

It sounds like you actually already know what you're capable of with getting another girl, and taking care of yourself in general. So do that. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself, go buy yourself some ice cream! Does another person not wanting to be with you anymore affect any of your value? No absolutely not.

You want to accept and move through whatever comes up, and talk yourself through it so you get some closure. If you run away from those feelings or distract yourself they will just come up again, especially at inconvenient times like work.

Move forward, one steady step at a time. DO NOT seriously consider trying to get her back, destroy that possibility in your mind. The feelings and thoughts of wanting her back are your ego mind trying to seek comfort and avoid pain.

You cannot grow and move on without pain.

Hope this helps @Seven7. You are worthy

I need help with destroying that thought. My father actually went through a similar thing with my mother, and he went through a long process to get her back. Do you think it’s a generational thing I need to break? Mentally where I’m at is: this hurts so bad, I would literally do anything to get her back. And be the right man. With complete certainty. There is that little knowing in the back that tells me not to avoid this pain though but it’s just SO strong  

[Roy]

23 minutes ago, Seven7 said:

Do you think it’s a generational thing I need to break?

I believe when people break up they should NEVER get back together. The ONLY scenario where I think it should happen is when there is a child that must be raised. Then it's in the best interests of everyone and primarily the kid to have stable parenting and resources for a heathy life. People who are raised by single parents and step parents usually end up messed up sadly.

When people break up it's usually for a reason, and a good one at that. Think about it, if it was meant to work and you were supposed to be together, then it would have worked and any issues that have come up wouldn't be ones that destroy the connection. ALL couples go through rough patches and bad events, but the successful couples work through it. If it's broken up that means it simply wasn't meant to be, and that must be accepted.

People don't move on or learn anything if they keep thinking backwards. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. Chances are if you got back together the same thing would have happened again. There would be the high of making it work for a while, and then old habits and issues would creep in again and spoil things.

You develop as a person by absorbing failure and moving onto the next thing. Dwelling and "what if?"s holds you back.

23 minutes ago, Seven7 said:

I would literally do anything to get her back. And be the right man. With complete certainty.

Can I challenge you on that? Why can't you be the right man, for yourself?

23 minutes ago, Seven7 said:

There is that little knowing in the back that tells me not to avoid this pain though but it’s just SO strong  

I know it sucks, but take your time. There is no rush to get into another relationship. Take a few weeks or couple months to process things.

It took me a few months and moving across the country to get over my ex ending things after we lived together. Remember love and attachment blinds you to the realities of the relationship. Once you have time and distance from it you can look at things objectively and realize.........

Hey, yeah it wasn't meant to be. But I'm actually better off now, and a stronger person!

Eventually you will actually be HAPPY she dumped you. You just can't see that now because of the pain.

Edited May 4, 2021 by Roy

[museumoftrees]

5 hours ago, Seven7 said:

How do you deal with the guilt and regret? That is eating my alive right now. That knowing that I could have and should have done better but now will not get a chance. I keep re reading her last message and it just hits me so hard, it brings up feelings of being a terrible person, and reminds me of how selfish I have been throughout my life to all the people I love 

A good way to forgive yourself for your selfishness is to understand that ultimately you are an ego that is acting out a survival script (watch Leo's latest video How Survival Shapes You). Forgive yourself for not knowing better, you are a child that will learn forever. Her leaving you, in a sense, is consciousness or ''god's'' way of loving you, teaching you a lesson. If she would have stayed with you what would have likely happened is either you ending up cheating on her or discarding her and momentarily coming back in her life to use her for emotional comfort and sex without commitment.

It's a part of her agenda to leave you. She did it out of love. Understand her survival agenda and honour it.

If you take the lessons, let her go lovingly and move on, you will get the chance to repair what you did and heal the world with another person. For a while you are going to want to get back with her a lot, I understand that, i'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't and that exes are exes for a reason, that's your choice. However, understand that no amount of talking to her, convincing her, begging, calling, etcetera will get her back. Don't do anything to get her back. Until she misses you a few months from now, every conversation you initiate with her will confirm her bias that you don't deserve her and that she's right for breaking up with you.

Leave her completely alone and level yourself up.  Take the lesson, move on and be excited because this is a great opportunity for growth and self-improvement which is probably the purpose of why you are here.

She might reach out in the future and you guys can work things out I guess, but you need to heal, change, improve and focus on growing right now. Do it as an investment in yourself. Don't cling to the hope of her coming back. Keep imagining a positive future for yourself. I recommend you delete every conversations you have with her, every picture you have of her, nudes of her and put physical reminders in a box somewhere you can't see for now. Focus on healing and moving on.

I'm going through an almost identical situation man, i'll be there if you have more questions. Good luck Seven

[Growly]

Just compare yourself to low status men and you'll feel better

[Seven7]

Hey guys, small update. Some of you may be disappointed in me lol but here’s what happened 

 

I think my ego rationalized to me that if I dedicate 100% of it to her and become exactly what I should have been, that she will take me back. I was ready to dedicate myself and be serious about this girl, no matter what. So after work I called her up and explained very thoroughly and genuinely how I felt, what I planned to do, and that I will take whatever response she has head on. After a lot of talking and some crying on her end she denied me, saying it’s too late, and that she physically cannot trust me at this time with words, and has accepted that it’s time to move on. It hit me hard but at that moment I realized it truly is finished and that is her feminine intuition doing it’s magic. Like @museumoftrees said above, it’s the universes way of teaching me a lesson.
 

We talked for another hour, reminiscing on times we had, going through photos, and then we both said a strong loving goodbye and hung up. Then I went for a long drive and got home, drank a protein shake and some fruit, then wrote this up. Going to meditate some more before bed. I actually feel okay, I’m sad af but that was a good ending and the closure I needed and I think she did too. Tomorrow and for the next few weeks I know I will be really sad but this time it feels a little “lighter” so to speak. Not with the same crushing intensity. Thank you all for the help, really a beautiful community. I have a long ways to go with healing, but I’m definitely gonna be more active on here and try to give my perspective on things where I can help ??❤️