My journey to turquoise

[blackchair]

My journey to turquoise

Grow up in household of 8, i was 7th. Mother was agressive alchoholic and father was passive bystander. Extreme poverty. But still my soul didnt give up i had decent childhood, i was happy as i could be. I did everything every other children did. Genetics played big part of it all, we were all good in school, we live in small town, everyone knew we were good in school and raging alcholism in our family. Enter high school, catholic school, i aced it, but my gayness didnt help, i knew from age 11.

Our family was very traditional (pure blue) women need to finish womenly colleges, men have to be men. So I enrolled in engineering college. I aced it till mid way. Whole family was watching, everyone did what they was told to do.  Except me. I move to Zagreb from Split and by 19years i came out to my whole family. Croatia in 2009 is the most homophobic country in Balkan. It didnt end well. They disowend me completly and cut me off. I had best friend, he was light in my life, he lift my spirits up, we had beautiful friendship for 10 years, 'couse of him im a man today who i am. We had drinking therapy how i would call it, it was therapeutic as fuck, i struggle with my idea of being good at something and not being average. I could finish my engeering diploma and be averege. My soul wanted more. I dropped out, i follow my heart, soul and my passion. I started tutoring high school children for a living, it was dream come true, i was EXCELLENT at it, i had results, i had money, i had purpose. Then i met my now teachers. I felt wisdom in them and they blend spirituality with bussiness perfect. They tought me there is always a way. At this point i was all alone from my family. But i had so much good time, lots of sex, great friends (Extrovert here) great job. But i pushed further, i always wanted study psychology. I tried 3 years in a roll and didnt give up. Finally i enrolled, and everthing fell in its place. I got scholarship for coaching (not life coaching but bussiness) from my mentors, i had EVERYTHING my soul wanted, i rose to top of Maslow pyramid. I self actualised, i was fucking great at coaching, i helped people to connect to themselfs, they were grateful. I had life purpose. Then all hell broke loose. I was only 27years old, too much too soon. I broke down but in that moment everything made sense. I opet eckhart tolle's book, and first sentence was as long of this lines, like if you are experienced listend to silence, for „lower“ people you need to read the whole book. I stoped at silence. At first sentence. Everything was clear, i was contempt. How can this be. Fucking Eckhart Tolle and I? That cant be. I dismissed it. Moving on. Mentors sat me down and said i was cut out of coaching program, my heart sink. I was unwell. They said you need to move from red to blue (so clever of them! i love them with all of my heart). Then everything changed people started to act diffrent around me, they could not look me in my eyes, why? Mistical experiences:  Little unknown baby ran towards me shouting daddy, daddy. Mother was confused. I was scared shitless. I was sitting in a tram, little boy aged 4-5 in mother's lap pointed to me and asked his mother is this Jesus, mother said yes, (scared shitless i am to the fullest), i went to church to pray, i was alone in the room except one man, he said to my face how can Jesus be gay?? Holy fucking God, let alone the Jesus part, but how can he know that im Gay? I let it go. I dissmissed it as everything else. From 27 to 31y. i had 3 psych hospitalisation, the truth was too much to bear. I was controling animals with my laughter, i was protecting cat from a dog with my laughter and it worked. I was scared shitless again. The trickster my teachers are, i was living in delusion that i need to move from red to blue for three years, couple of YT songs on that theme, ok i need to move up the spiral. No big deal. Bam last year Beyonce released song Already, everything is turqouise in it. My heart stopped. How can this be? ME? This can't be. I didnt „earned“ to be turquoise, i didnt „work“ enough, i didnt dwell in spirituality long enough, turqouise at 32? is it possible, so much responsibility, so much suffering and so much bliss mixed all together. My sister said to me cold blooded: you have no ego. How can this be??? Friend told me im closer to God then everyone he met. Me?  Me egoless. Such funny concept. Then i connected the dots, I doubt everything till this day but i will make a world a better place for all humankind. But patience my darling. That's all.

[blackchair]

In september i  will meet my teachers, after 4 years of radio silence. It's painting course but deep down i know its more than that. What will become of this? Will we  hug, will  we cry together will we be drinking coffee in complete silence and enjoy the present moment? Will they evaluate my progress? Will I've been given constructive feedback? I'm little bit scared to be honest…..they  can be tough if needed be. But im keeping my hopes high. They made me. I would give my life for them and they would for me. It's deeper connection. The whole world will be watching, it will be fun. We will have 7 days together. Last year on my facebook feed popped up picture of her (my teacher) hugging Ken Wilber, i was jelous at first then happy. Human condition, simple as that. 

[blackchair]

First deep soul crying in 6 months from the begginning with my problems with eyes. Healing will occur in time. Humble i am. I've done everything i was asked from God to do. I felt grace, i felt humble, i felt relief i felt joy, i felt hope. I felt faith in true sense. I need to be of service deeper.

[blackchair]

i went to church, nobody was there, i made a vow. God i give you my eyes and my soul. Silence was comforting.