Why do I feel like my life isn't good after practicing mindfulness and meditation?

[fopylo]

I just came back from a trip (travel and camp) of 2.5 days with a group of people in my same age group and I feel that my mindfulness has grown as I am being forced to feel my surrounding while walking and seeing the view as it is (it also helped me socialize a bit). But now I am starting to notice more nuance aspects of my life, such as my hardship in being authentic, loving to myself and to others, not exactly feeling the emotio In as it is (which means that also when I feel kind of down/shy/not so in the mood I will always trick myself into feeling better and it usually causes a bit of resistance, or I will kind of force myself to be authentic which is quite paradoxical because then my authentic self is changing without me realizing). Today I've managed to actually feel some vague feelings for a while and I just let them be without even trying to label it. Just curious about the sensations of my body and my thoughts in the passing moment. It was quite big for me, but I think it is because I am slowly getting to a development stage where I start to let myself to feel more. This makes my understanding of life way bigger than most people I see, but at the same time I am starting to realize that I'm not actually living how I really  want to live, and I'm becoming aware of it more with time.
All of this said, but still I am quite behind in the basic self help. I need to develop my social skills and my management in life in general. My understanding of the higher stages are way above the practical self help. So I am expanding my awareness in order to see my position in a more clear way lol.
I really don't want to be stuck in life and feel like I am always behind. I have desires which 99% of people I see don't even consider (or so, I guess) such as becoming mindful of emotions and letting them be which is quite hard and I don't know how to do it. I am talking all this and it's nice, but on the practical level I am quite behind and I am questioning whether I am even on the right track
I'd appreciate it if you could give me a better understanding of where I am and help me understand things from above. All I want is to live a good life in peace with myself with no resistance. I can feel happy, sad, depressed, anxious, scared, embarrassed, shy. I can see nice colors in the sky, terrible looking tree, my messy room, the nice landscape, the magical place. I can hear all the sounds, whether they hurt or are a pleasant tune. I can think anything I want, whether it's anxious or some fantasy. Basically, I can experience anything - Just without this resistance. This will truly change my life I believe

[Shin]

2 hours ago, fopylo said:

I just came back from a trip (travel and camp) of 2.5 days with a group of people in my same age group and I feel that my mindfulness has grown as I am being forced to feel my surrounding while walking and seeing the view as it is (it also helped me socialize a bit).

But now I am starting to notice more nuance aspects of my life, such as my hardship in being authentic, loving to myself and to others, not exactly feeling the emotio In as it is (which means that also when I feel kind of down/shy/not so in the mood I will always trick myself into feeling better and it usually causes a bit of resistance, or I will kind of force myself to be authentic which is quite paradoxical because then my authentic self is changing without me realizing). Today I've managed to actually feel some vague feelings for a while and I just let them be without even trying to label it.

Just curious about the sensations of my body and my thoughts in the passing moment. It was quite big for me, but I think it is because I am slowly getting to a development stage where I start to let myself to feel more.

This makes my understanding of life way bigger than most people I see, but at the same time I am starting to realize that I'm not actually living how I really  want to live, and I'm becoming aware of it more with time.
All of this said, but still I am quite behind in the basic self help. I need to develop my social skills and my management in life in general.

My understanding of the higher stages are way above the practical self help. So I am expanding my awareness in order to see my position in a more clear way lol.
I really don't want to be stuck in life and feel like I am always behind. I have desires which 99% of people I see don't even consider (or so, I guess) such as becoming mindful of emotions and letting them be which is quite hard and I don't know how to do it.

I am talking all this and it's nice, but on the practical level I am quite behind and I am questioning whether I am even on the right track
I'd appreciate it if you could give me a better understanding of where I am and help me understand things from above.

All I want is to live a good life in peace with myself with no resistance. I can feel happy, sad, depressed, anxious, scared, embarrassed, shy. I can see nice colors in the sky, terrible looking tree, my messy room, the nice landscape, the magical place.

I can hear all the sounds, whether they hurt or are a pleasant tune. I can think anything I want, whether it's anxious or some fantasy. Basically, I can experience anything - Just without this resistance. This will truly change my life I believe

What do you mean by "just without this resistance" ( at the end) ? And from "behind in the basic self help" ?

Don't worry too much about getting results, as long as you are sincere and work towards the thing you need to do to grow, it's all good, no need to rush anything, enjoy life as it is

We usually tends to see all the stuff that we could do (life purpose, mastery of relationships and daily routines etc.) and embody (non judgment, peace, love, principles etc.), but each of those things can take several years to get to, you are where you are, and it's allllll gooood  

EDIT: Please do use the enter button of your keayboard next time

[Bodhitree]

It seems to me you need more time spent in plain awareness. You do feel emotions, they just come when you are not so aware. So practice looking at yourself, looking within. You will find that as you go through your day you can become aware of the feelings that you encounter, noting them “I feel anger”, “I feel anxiety”, and so on. Once you can note them you will see that you start to become aware of the root causes of your emotions. 

Meditation helps with this as well, if you try and do 20 mins of just sitting every day, it will help you unwind your thoughts. When you are tense internally, focussed on doing things, it is hard to accurately see what happens within. It helps to feel at peace, relaxed. 

That you feel that your life isn’t good is a natural consequence of your life not being in balance with your development. Once you start getting a feel for the things that make you feel good, the areas in life that speak to your passion, you can turn the sense of your emotions into a real benefit. 

Edited May 2, 2021 by Bodhitree

[fopylo]

@Shin

16 hours ago, Shin said:

What do you mean by "just without this resistance" ( at the end) ? And from "behind in the basic self help" ?

By resistance I mean the overall resistances I have in me. With vision - not seeing things as they are and tend to see mind-created grayish spots to mask on reality. With sound - I tend to muff the sounds a bit to avoid it. With feeling - I tend to not notice the sensations of my body exactly and there is a big delay. With thoughts - I suppress them sometimes. Basically resistance is delaying me and masking reality.

Behind in the basic self help - I mean that my practical skills (social skills, hobbies, relationships, leadership, life purpose, etc.) are quite behind most people I see.

[Thought Art]

It is hard in the beginning

 

[Shin]

On 5/2/2021 at 3:59 PM, fopylo said:

@Shin

By resistance I mean the overall resistances I have in me. With vision - not seeing things as they are and tend to see mind-created grayish spots to mask on reality. With sound - I tend to muff the sounds a bit to avoid it. With feeling - I tend to not notice the sensations of my body exactly and there is a big delay. With thoughts - I suppress them sometimes. Basically resistance is delaying me and masking reality.

Behind in the basic self help - I mean that my practical skills (social skills, hobbies, relationships, leadership, life purpose, etc.) are quite behind most people I see.

Give it time, it's gonna be ok, you have the right mindset ?

[Inva]

@fopylo ive been doin mindfulness for a while now it brings up a lot of stuff, took me a good few weeks to get through it after it came after the month mark or so