Me and spiral dynamic

[Manusia]

Yeah in this topic I want to create some note on my journey in self-actualization from spiral dynamic perspective. I want to use spiral dynamic to see my journey because people can understand it from their point of view more easily. If I didnt use SD my content is just will be all over the place without proper context.

[Manusia]

This year becoming new beginning for me.

 

Lot of work I do to my personal life but anything never seems to works. Same problem still occuring. My way of thinking doesn't seems to be different, I feel I just masking my development. My always mind says yes I'm improving. In the reality all still same. Even I use psychedelic and have lot of really hard stuff about conscioussness and seems all connected. My mind transcended for some day every using shrooms, eventually all goes to the same ground. Yeah I see lot of my stubborn trauma in communication and self esteem improved, but the bottom ground doesn't go high enough to say its really work out. I admit psychedelic really give me the bigger picture of all Leo's work and make me stick to do the work. (I really recommend you use shroom if you not take it before, every I use that always reveal part of truth, and for me its really useful to take it at least one a year because it make the mind more flexible to do more self development).

Edited May 1, 2021 by Manusia

[Manusia]

This year has been doing lot of stuff :

1. I realized so much more how I am as an ego. Numerology is the big guy in this realization. My attitude with reality now is really different. I aligned all my doing in my real self. Some backstory, I have lot of personality in my life. I use that to avoid lot of emotional wound. In some situation I can become really different person. 

2. I walk out from my 4 years relationship. My relationship was really feels wrong for me. My intuition keeps telling me go out, go out, its enough, you forced it. But my mind is always not accept it. I always try to make it better. But eventually its all the same cycle, its all painful every single day like drop water purring my head every single second. I repressed my inner self and depressed. Now I knew I can't be mold so much in relationship. The good thing from that pain I found Leo, I found my inner deep value and have lot of healing from my girlfriend (ironically). Even my ex give lot of suffering in 4 years. I learned a lot. I heal a lot. I have thicker skin. In my eyes my ex is a hero healer of my journey. 

3. I speak up to my father and mother. For all of the inequality that happened to me. How they treat me so ignorantly. Show they how they make me have my bad trauma. My mother cry at that time because I use really high tone voice. I surpressed all that feeling resentment for 22 years. The situation is really gloomy for a weeks. But now it goes lot better than I exepcted. Our relationship be much deeper. And now I feel heared than ever before! The lesson is speak own truth, be in relationship with people with your own deep truth.

4. The fall of the blue value. Now I just get enough of blue. I dont know. I just feel really bad even from people with blue smell. My country is pretty dang blue. I indoctrinated with blue value since birth. I have a hard time to understanding how world works because lot of conformity trauma. I dont have any independent thinking. In my subconscious I just need to obey because it feels really save. Obey obey obey. Be kind of lot of people even they doing stupid stuff for you. Your voice doesnt matter if it can ruin the commumal dynamic. And lot lot lot of bullshit value that I absorbed. I just get enough now. I just want to be my authentic self. I dont care if it hurts your conformity and dogma. I want to say anything that I wanted to say. I hate you blue. Fuck blue authority.

5. The rise of Anima, finding my shadow masculinity. I never aware how my masculinity is so toxic. I always assume that I never be toxic in my masculinity aspect. But all of my assumption is burned out after I watched video from The Diamond Net channel down below. (Try to watch it, can be life transforming to you!)

I track all of what she said in my awareness. Then I have a healing sensation in my body. I sucessfully talk to my Anima. And wow its really beautiful! The ramification of unawareness Anima is the big obstacle in my development of consciousness. I place my anima in my shadow before and its becoming really dark devillish. 

Right now I still doing Anima integration. My attitude is changing from seeing that one video from the channel. Its feel more than little change, its like big transformation. People now act differently when I try talk to them. Before this, people just try avoiding conversation after we spent some time talking and I dont know why lol. I know I have some flaw but I never find it. I constantly changing my content when talking to people give hope it will help. Sure it help in some small extend. But this.. this structural change in my psyche. 

That video is really good I wonder why Leo didn't put Anima and Animus to the channel. 

[Manusia]

Sorry for my grammatical and vocabulary error. Didn't use english very much.

[Manusia]

SD value identification :

1. Purple 2%

 •Awareness about some sort unexplainable being outside what human see. I usually just avoid it if it have some weird energy.

• Unknown ability that I have. I can see some fact that beneath the surface of some stuff. But it really deep that need a big context to frame it. It gave me lot of trouble because the knowing distract me from what I really need to do in front of me. A shaman says the ability is a gift from your ancestor. But didnt explore it yet. I stop exploring it because it always attracting lot of bad energy to me. They can go inside my body and mind. 

2. Red 10%

Addiction of fap.

Still need to be more bold and solid. 

3. Blue 20%

I have a lot of blue magnet because my country still filled up with lots of blue people.

I still have a blue shadow.. but its really small percentage, like trauma trigger in pleasing others and conformity triggers. Still work on it.

4. Orange 30%

Sometimes overlogical, and my mind is just rolling over and over. But now I assume its healed.

5. Green 45%

In the progress of Anima integration I feel my heart chakra healed gradually. Im not afraid to feel as before. I become more authentic because I expresses my Anima feminity. In some sense It I become more masculine because Im not afraid to feel and be open to the present moment.

I learn a lot of green value from Instagram. They really good doing their campaign. 

6. Yellow 3%

Yeah I keep watching and watching Leo video and learning to connect the dots. In my experience I can use my visualization to do the system thinking. 

The Diamond Net youtube channel is yellow based too.. Started to watch her vids. I really resonate with her. She is beautifully mature.

[Manusia]

Yup.. yellow thinking is more often occured due watching more of Diamond Net youtube channel. The way she talk really resonate with my self. 

The biggest pull in my meta thinking is my own urgent to 'Take full responsibility/ownership over anything that happened in my reality'. And one my biggest problem is to take ownership over my own thought process. The problem is really deep when I peeling the layer of it. The implication is, everywhere. 

I have a deep trauma in my life. I dont know but I found I'm really sensitive to energy. When some weird energy approach me I feel really anxious and unconsciously try to hide the fact that I'm disturbed mentally with that and put the fact in my shadow. The effect is like crazy, I dont even know what I'm feeling, thinking, want. I just feeling all shadow bubble in my mind and body. I became super duper mechanical. The problem that I got is very much nuance.

Lot of story to tell, in short I have a guidance last month from something that clearly I'm not sure of it (maybe angel, higher self, some sort of entitiy). The message is I need to have ownership to anything that happened in my direct experience. And it somehow point to my thought process. And I try to put all of my awareness as hard as possible to my thought process that always bother me. And I cry, I realized I really never have awareness. I realized how small is it my awareness. I realized my cope mechanism is to always avoid take awareness in my thought process. ......That was a long motorcycle ride in the misty forest, at midnight with heavy rain. It's one of my dark place in life. That time I broken mentally.....

2 days after that.. have a question to myself.. 'how I can be responsible in my thought if I dont aware anything about what I'm thinking?'. 'How can I know if its really my thought if I dont watch it by myself?'. And yeah afterthat I tell to myself I need to have constant awareness in my thinking process. And its was really though. Is really make me tired to watch every thought especially the thought process that feels weird in negative way. Or when some entity hitched to my body/mind.. Its really hard as fuck. But I knew this is the way. I knew it. It feels right to my soul.

Gradually now my muscle of awareness in my thinking process become stronger. Its not really make me tired as before. And the benefit is really huge. I can carry myself differently. And most importantly related to SD. I can much more thinking integrally. I know it still weak but not as outlandish as before. Yellow thinking started to look like real land for me.. not a dream.

And I found some disscusion in relationship subforum.. and some people talk about Anima integration in it. I just think it's not really useful before. But when I see the video from The Diamond Net.. Wow.. I have direct healing impact. Its liberating. My shadow devil have the light to himself and merge with the light. 

Beside it, now I really love yellow thinking. It feels like the right way to think for me. Its just fit. Like I just looking for this in my whole life. And now I found it. 

[Manusia]

My mind in nutshell when the thought is balloning with unconsciouss energy.

[Manusia]

Back and forth healing my value. To the Blue. The family.

Feels this early year is about blue integrating to my psyche system. Got myself grounded. Family and village people that I think is bullshit and no need to learn overthere is truly something I missed out. Yeah its true most village in my place is really undeveloped blue and have some big pendelum. My province especially have collective toxic blue value in conformity. Thanks to covid-19 this issue is little bit better. I observe it. People became hugely more individuated here. 

Back to my village.. in my village there is some people that I see is wise in their level of perception. I dont know this is weird but I channeled their wisdom in my psychedelic experience. I have vision about some people that have inner wisdom including my mom, my dad, my grandfather and my uncle. Its like channeled in some sense and I got the essence and integrated to my own system. Its really weird because I see my family in some sort of tribe family vibe, tribe family in ancient mountain (yes I live in near ancient mountain)... mmm I dont know to reframe it actually. The information that I got is much and it barely cover my language articulation skill. Maybe its even deeper than blue.. but its cover blue. Or it not have a correlation to this topic.. really strange but make sense to me in deep level.

The deepest thing that I learn in blue territorial is grasp responsibility of oneself mind. Awareness of whats mind doing and own it. In some case it lead me to the yellow territory. I know how my mind and emotion intertwined and continous making meaning. The hardest part of it is the need of continous awareness. This practice is really hard and exhausting. But it got better and better. Its like muscle.

Own anything that happened to you. Own it. Its your responsibility. Take full responsibility. Because its you. Really you. Just you. You.

Now I understand how blue people really think.. and the essence of it. How they do for love. The sarcifice. The big unconscious. Big conformity for security sake of feeling. And the robot of belief. But what I got from my small family, even they think and do lot of unconscious thing and make me mad lot of times.. they love me and its big love. They ready to sarcifice a lot. And already.

The Family.

The mistake that I do is constantly judging my family from my point of view for what they do to me. They not hear me. They not give what I need to learn. They dont understand my real feeling. They even never asking me 'how do you feel?' never. They not see me as a full human being. They see me as a child label that dont know anything. Then I never say it to them. And repressed all of nasty feeling. Eventually 1 month ago I spoke up all the heavy emotion and just fuck it. My mother cry, my dad got mad. But now its got far better. Our connection grow stronger than ever. 

I know my family is far from perfect. But I still really grateful for my family. I see lot of more awful family. Far far worse.