Methods For Healing Complex Trauma

[ivankiss]

6 months of deep inner healing behind me. 

I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy or pleasant. I was scared out of my mind. But I knew it had to be done. And this whole lockdown situation seemed like the perfect opportunity to dive in deep. 

I will not go into details; but basically, I've been severely traumatized in my past. On many, many different occasions. I went through some dark stuff. Physical, mental and emotional abuse. Drug abuse. Debt. Starvation. At some point I was pretty much homeless... and a fugitive in a foreign country. 

So yeah... Needless to say; my nervous system got fucked. I stored all that trauma in me. Never really dedicated myself to healing it at the core. I was only trying to deal with or mask the symptoms.

So here's a few pointers/suggestions if you happened to be on the healing journey:

First you need to gain some understanding on how all that trauma affected you. It affected you on all levels of being. Mental, emotional and physical. 

So what I would recommend is that you split your healing process into 3 parts. That way you will automatically gain some clarity and a sense of direction. You will eliminate the confusion on what it is that you're actually healing. You will understand where the 'disturbance' is coming from and how to respond to it.

On the mental level; you're probably experiencing hardcore cognitive dissonance. You're constantly doubting and second-guessing everything. You have difficulties with deciding anything. You lack focus and have a short attention span. Mental fog. Endless negative thought loops. Rumination. Flashbacks. Memory loss. Etc...

On the emotional level; well, pretty much everything. And sometimes all of it at once. Grief, shame, fear, guilt, sadness, anger, pity, envy, jealousy, regret, despair, devastation, loneliness, etc. Lots of anxiety and depression.

On the physical level; headaches/migraines, pain in your bones and muscles, sleeping and eating disorders, poor body posture, lack of energy, feeling burnt-out, restlessness, grinding your teeth, biting your nails, poor hygiene, various digestion problems, etc.

So here are my tips: 

1. Educate yourself 

Learn about (C)PTSD. Watch some videos, read some books. There are many great resources out there. If you've been a victim of abuse; learn about your abuser. Understand where they're coming from and why they behave the way they do. It will help you during the forgiveness phase, too.

2. Shake your body!

Oh man. I can't describe you how helpful this was when I started practicing it. You see; your nervous system is on fire. It's inflated. It's basically freaking out all the time, while you're trying to act cool and remain calm. So do this every morning, first thing - as soon as you get up from your bed. Before you even brush your teeth or go to the toilet. Set your timer on 5 minutes and just randomly shake your whole body. Really get into it. This will pull you out of your head a bit and connect you to your breath and body. It will release some of that negative energy.

3. Stretch 

There is a lot of tension stored in your body. Doing a full-body stretch or even some yoga can help you release a lot of that tension. It can ground and center you. Anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes is great.

4. Hot/cold showers 

Obviously good for your blood flow. It's like a nice reset button. Showers can both energize and relax you.

5. Candle meditation

There are many forms of meditation. I found this one to be most beneficial during this period. It helps you with your focus, concentration and your attention span. Simply sit in a completely dark room and stare at the candlelight for at least 15 minutes. Whenever you notice yourself getting lost in thought; bring your attention back onto the flame and your breathing.

6. Screaming into a bucket full of water 

Another gem right here. I figured this out when I was in such deep pain that I simply didn't know what to do with myself. The only way out was screaming on the top of my lungs. I didn't want my neighbors to hear me, so I came up with this solution. It helped a lot. Not only when I was in pain, but also when I was numb and couldn't connect to my emotions at all. Watching the water being drained once you're done can be very therapeutic, too. You can imagine all your pain and trauma flowing away with the water. The only thing you have to be careful with when using this method is not to harm your voice. 

7. Punch some pillows

Ideally; you'd have access to a punching bag... But if you don't; a few pillows can work too. There's a lot of anger and frustration stored in your body. Gotta let it out somehow. Summon all those nasty feelings and punch the shit out of something. Maybe even curse at it a bit. You'll feel better.

8. Walk

A nice 30 minute walk can do a lot. Let alone a 2hr walk. Even if you have no motivation to do absolutely anything... Try forcing yourself to go for a walk everyday. Let that be the one thing you must accomplish. It will help you put the rest of your day in a perspective. It will provide you with some mental space and clarity. Your body will be thankful, too.

9. Jogging/working out 

In a sense; this is on a higher level already. I know damn well it's impossible to get yourself to workout or run in your darkest hour. That's why shaking your body is a nice link in-between. So once you do gain some strength and motivation you can hit that gym or develop a workout routine at home. The benefits are  pretty obvious.

10. ASMR

Oh boy do I love these. I pretty much listen to ASMR videos every night before I fall asleep. Your main focus during the healing process should be on relaxing your entire system. And this stuff is incredibly soothing. Find the videos that you like the most and make a nice little relaxation routine. These are my two favorite YT channels;

https://youtu.be/pYuljjR_6Fc

https://youtu.be/-TbhTHeKBSQ

11. Binaural Beats

Yet another way to soothe and massage the mind.

12. Cry. A lot.

I cannot tell you how many times I felt like shit throughout my whole day just because I was avoiding those tears. This is the meat and potatoes of your healing process. It's how you release all that stuff you've been suppressing. It's how you make peace with whatever happened. It's how you forgive yourself or anyone else. In tears.

Sometimes it can be difficult to connect with that part of you. You wanna cry but you just can't. This is where the screaming into a bucket method can help you, too. Once you scream it all out; those tears will come. But also; music can trigger you into crying too. Not just any kind of music, of course. So choose wisely. Make a sad playlist that speaks to you. Here's some music that hits the spot for me;

https://youtu.be/os5Z-rtQitE - this whole album is just incredible. Very deep. Very therapeutic. Here's the whole thing;

https://youtu.be/IFhc-bmcgI8

https://youtu.be/np2HtyhjUhY - another gem

https://youtu.be/u4XevlloPY4 - and another one

https://youtu.be/ycYewhiaVBk - and another one

13. Breathwork 

I'd say this is essential to the healing process. You can trigger a lot by simply breathing consciously for longer periods of time. You can also learn how to locate the trauma in your body and slowly breathe your way through it. I'd recommend you find some videos on YouTube and follow along. It will be easier for you not to get lost in thought and maintain a steady rhythm.

14. Talk therapy 

This can be another great option. If you find someone that resonates with you and you can open up yourself to them freely; that would help a lot. Simply talking it all out can make a huge difference. And if you pay a professional; it's their job to listen. They do not get involved emotionally like your friends or family might. So it will be much easier for you to feel heard and understood. Preferably, find someone who's specialized in this area.

15. Be creative 

Try finding a way to turn your thoughts and feelings into something. A way to express yourself. I know it can be extremely difficult. Trust me - I've been making music for 15 years, non stop. But when this stuff hit me; I could not do shit. I could not even begin to articulate all those thoughts and feelings, let alone translate them into a song... But I sure tried. It was all crap and I never finished what I started writing...But it was something. I was being creative - and that's the only thing that mattered. If you don't already have something; try picking up a new thing. Sketch, paint, write... Whatever allows you to express yourself.

16. Socialize

It can be tempting to completely isolate yourself and cut off all connections while you're going through this. And while on some point that may be beneficial or even necessary... In the long run it will do you more harm than good. So start interacting with people. You don't have to let anyone too close or open yourself too much... Just do the basic, surface - level stuff, here and there. It will energize you and give you a broader perspective.

17. CBD Oil and Oxytocin 

I have yet to put my hands onto these, but I hear great things. CBD is great for relaxing your system. I'd suggest you get the non-psychoactive version. Oxytocin is basically known as the 'love hormone', and if you've been traumatized; your system needs this stuff. I'd suggest you to be very careful with supplements though. Know what you're taking.

So there you go. That's what I got for you for now. Might add some more later...

While I already came pretty far and healed quite a lot; I am nowhere near done. This stuff has been holding me back for ages. I am unable to move forward and accomplish my goals until I am healed. What keeps me going though (besides my highest calling) is the fact that I already survived the worst. I am safe now. No one can disturb my peace. 

However; peace will take some time to get used to.

Hope someone finds this helpful.

Much love and respect.

Edited April 30, 2021 by ivankiss

[Thomas_VH]

Thanks for sharing your insights! I've recently been interested in healing my childhood trauma and your post is going to be a great help. I hope you can leave all the nasty stuff from your past completely behind you one day.

[ivankiss]

@Thomas_VH Thanks. I'm glad to hear that.

Best of luck to you, too.

[EmptyInside]

Great post brother. Honest and real. Thank you for sharing.

[OctagonOctopus]

Great list, I like the screaming into the bucket method, good solution to not disturb those around you with your healing. 

I wish you well releasing all the trauma knots! 

[Tim R]

@ivankiss That's a great post mate, thanks for sharing

[Eternal Unity]

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

6 months of deep inner healing behind me. 

I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy or pleasant. I was scared out of my mind. But I knew it had to be done. And this whole lockdown situation seemed like the perfect opportunity to dive in deep. 

I will not go into details; but basically, I've been severely traumatized in my past. On many, many different occasions. I went through some dark stuff. Physical, mental and emotional abuse. Drug abuse. Debt. Starvation. At some point I was pretty much homeless... and a fugitive in a foreign country. 

So yeah... Needless to say; my nervous system got fucked. I stored all that trauma in me. Never really dedicated myself to healing it at the core. I was only trying to deal with or mask the symptoms.

So here's a few pointers/suggestions if you happened to be on the healing journey:

First you need to gain some understanding on how all that trauma affected you. It affected you on all levels of being. Mental, emotional and physical. 

So what I would recommend is that you split your healing process into 3 parts. That way you will automatically gain some clarity and a sense of direction. You will eliminate the confusion on what it is that you're actually healing. You will understand where the 'disturbance' is coming from and how to respond to it.

On the mental level; you're probably experiencing hardcore cognitive dissonance. You're constantly doubting and second-guessing everything. You have difficulties with deciding anything. You lack focus and have a short attention span. Mental fog. Endless negative thought loops. Rumination. Flashbacks. Memory loss. Etc...

On the emotional level; well, pretty much everything. And sometimes all of it at once. Grief, shame, fear, guilt, sadness, anger, pity, envy, jealousy, regret, despair, devastation, loneliness, etc. Lots of anxiety and depression.

On the physical level; headaches/migraines, pain in your bones and muscles, sleeping and eating disorders, poor body posture, lack of energy, feeling burnt-out, restlessness, grinding your teeth, biting your nails, poor hygiene, various digestion problems, etc.

So here are my tips: 

1. Educate yourself 

Learn about (C)PTSD. Watch some videos, read some books. There are many great resources out there. If you've been a victim of abuse; learn about your abuser. Understand where they're coming from and why they behave the way they do. It will help you during the forgiveness phase, too.

2. Shake your body!

Oh man. I can't describe you how helpful this was when I started practicing it. You see; your nervous system is on fire. It's inflated. It's basically freaking out all the time, while you're trying to act cool and remain calm. So do this every morning, first thing - as soon as you get up from your bed. Before you even brush your teeth or go to the toilet. Set your timer on 5 minutes and just randomly shake your whole body. Really get into it. This will pull you out of your head a bit and connect you to your breath and body. It will release some of that negative energy.

3. Stretch 

There is a lot of tension stored in your body. Doing a full-body stretch or even some yoga can help you release a lot of that tension. It can ground and center you. Anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes is great.

4. Hot/cold showers 

Obviously good for your blood flow. It's like a nice reset button. Showers can both energize and relax you.

5. Candle meditation

There are many forms of meditation. I found this one to be most beneficial during this period. It helps you with your focus, concentration and your attention span. Simply sit in a completely dark room and stare at the candlelight for at least 15 minutes. Whenever you notice yourself getting lost in thought; bring your attention back onto the flame and your breathing.

6. Screaming into a bucket full of water 

Another gem right here. I figured this out when I was in such deep pain that I simply didn't know what to do with myself. The only way out was screaming on the top of my lungs. I didn't want my neighbors to hear me, so I came up with this solution. It helped a lot. Not only when I was in pain, but also when I was numb and couldn't connect to my emotions at all. Watching the water being drained once you're done can be very therapeutic, too. You can imagine all your pain and trauma flowing away with the water. The only thing you have to be careful with when using this method is not to harm your voice. 

7. Punch some pillows

Ideally; you'd have access to a punching bag... But if you don't; a few pillows can work too. There's a lot of anger and frustration stored in your body. Gotta let it out somehow. Summon all those nasty feelings and punch the shit out of something. Maybe even curse at it a bit. You'll feel better.

8. Walk

A nice 30 minute walk can do a lot. Let alone a 2hr walk. Even if you have no motivation to do absolutely anything... Try forcing yourself to go for a walk everyday. Let that be the one thing you must accomplish. It will help you put the rest of your day in a perspective. It will provide you with some mental space and clarity. Your body will be thankful, too.

9. Jogging/working out 

In a sense; this is on a higher level already. I know damn well it's impossible to get yourself to workout or run in your darkest hour. That's why shaking your body is a nice link in-between. So once you do gain some strength and motivation you can hit that gym or develop a workout routine at home. The benefits are  pretty obvious.

10. ASMR

Oh boy do I love these. I pretty much listen to ASMR videos every night before I fall asleep. Your main focus during the healing process should be on relaxing your entire system. And this stuff is incredibly soothing. Find the videos that you like the most and make a nice little relaxation routine. These are my two favorite YT channels;

https://youtu.be/pYuljjR_6Fc

https://youtu.be/-TbhTHeKBSQ

11. Binaural Beats

Yet another way to soothe and massage the mind.

12. Cry. A lot.

I cannot tell you how many times I felt like shit throughout my whole day just because I was avoiding those tears. This is the meat and potatoes of your healing process. It's how you release all that stuff you've been suppressing. It's how you make peace with whatever happened. It's how you forgive yourself or anyone else. In tears.

Sometimes it can be difficult to connect with that part of you. You wanna cry but you just can't. This is where the screaming into a bucket method can help you, too. Once you scream it all out; those tears will come. But also; music can trigger you into crying too. Not just any kind of music, of course. So choose wisely. Make a sad playlist that speaks to you. Here's some music that hits the spot for me;

https://youtu.be/os5Z-rtQitE - this whole album is just incredible. Very deep. Very therapeutic. Here's the whole thing;

https://youtu.be/IFhc-bmcgI8

https://youtu.be/np2HtyhjUhY - another gem

https://youtu.be/u4XevlloPY4 - and another one

https://youtu.be/ycYewhiaVBk - and another one

13. Breathwork 

I'd say this is essential to the healing process. You can trigger a lot by simply breathing consciously for longer periods of time. You can also learn how to locate the trauma in your body and slowly breathe your way through it. I'd recommend you find some videos on YouTube and follow along. It will be easier for you not to get lost in thought and maintain a steady rhythm.

14. Talk therapy 

This can be another great option. If you find someone that resonates with you and you can open up yourself to them freely; that would help a lot. Simply talking it all out can make a huge difference. And if you pay a professional; it's their job to listen. They do not get involved emotionally like your friends or family might. So it will be much easier for you to feel heard and understood. Preferably, find someone who's specialized in this area.

15. Be creative 

Try finding a way to turn your thoughts and feelings into something. A way to express yourself. I know it can be extremely difficult. Trust me - I've been making music for 15 years, non stop. But when this stuff hit me; I could not do shit. I could not even begin to articulate all those thoughts and feelings, let alone translate them into a song... But I sure tried. It was all crap and I never finished what I started writing...But it was something. I was being creative - and that's the only thing that mattered. If you don't already have something; try picking up a new thing. Sketch, paint, write... Whatever allows you to express yourself.

16. Socialize

It can be tempting to completely isolate yourself and cut off all connections while you're going through this. And while on some point that may be beneficial or even necessary... In the long run it will do you more harm than good. So start interacting with people. You don't have to let anyone too close or open yourself too much... Just do the basic, surface - level stuff, here and there. It will energize you and give you a broader perspective.

17. CBD Oil and Oxytocin 

I have yet to put my hands onto these, but I hear great things. CBD is great for relaxing your system. I'd suggest you get the non-psychoactive version. Oxytocin is basically known as the 'love hormone', and if you've been traumatized; your system needs this stuff. I'd suggest you to be very careful with supplements though. Know what you're taking.

So there you go. That's what I got for you for now. Might add some more later...

While I already came pretty far and healed quite a lot; I am nowhere near done. This stuff has been holding me back for ages. I am unable to move forward and accomplish my goals until I am healed. What keeps me going though (besides my highest calling) is the fact that I already survived the worst. I am safe now. No one can disturb my peace. 

However; peace will take some time to get used to.

Hope someone finds this helpful.

Much love and respect.

The highest love and even greater respect ?

[JonasVE12]

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

6. Screaming into a bucket full of water 

Another gem right here. I figured this out when I was in such deep pain that I simply didn't know what to do with myself. The only way out was screaming on the top of my lungs. I didn't want my neighbors to hear me, so I came up with this solution. It helped a lot. Not only when I was in pain, but also when I was numb and couldn't connect to my emotions at all. Watching the water being drained once you're done can be very therapeutic, too. You can imagine all your pain and trauma flowing away with the water. The only thing you have to be careful with when using this method is not to harm your voice. 

 

Amazing post. Thank you. I love the above. When I had deep shame and fear related to self-expression, I sometimes screamed at the top of my lunghs outside on the street at night. It was liberating. It helped releasing some tension in my throat area. 

I know a girl who lost her dad many years ago, but she is still crying to this day about her loss. Is this natural or hasn't she processed her emotions fully yet? On one side, I think it's perfectly healthy and normal that one cries if they think about the death of a loved one. But on the other side, I think she might not yet have processed her emotions yet & healed her hurt. I wouldn'tknow. I would not want to say to the person that it is wrong feeling grief about the death of a loved one. But on the other side, I would want her to process her emotions so she can accept it and find peace. What do you think?

[Megan Alecia]

Ayahuasca probably

Or just some really emotional psychedelic. I've heard LSD is good for it.

Edited April 30, 2021 by Megan Alecia

[peqkno]

19 hours ago, ivankiss said:

6. Screaming into a bucket full of water 

Another gem right here. I figured this out when I was in such deep pain that I simply didn't know what to do with myself. The only way out was screaming on the top of my lungs. I didn't want my neighbors to hear me, so I came up with this solution. It helped a lot. Not only when I was in pain, but also when I was numb and couldn't connect to my emotions at all. Watching the water being drained once you're done can be very therapeutic, too. You can imagine all your pain and trauma flowing away with the water. The only thing you have to be careful with when using this method is not to harm your voice. 

Thanks for the list! I'll do this ^one.

 

Here's some additions, which worked well for me:

 

Getting a massage
or using some tools to give one yourself.

Petting/caressing oneself
In my case, it feels like some body parts need that kind of gentle touch at (many) times. Maybe you (the reader) would benefit form it just now. Good for consoling oneself.

Kneipping
Like cold exposure, but basically wading through cold water. Really really calms the body and mind, removes stress (activates the parasympathetic). Many cities / parks have some kind of basin for this.

Lying down, just feeling into your body
... self explanatory

[Bojan V]

Thank you for sharing with us your healing journey.

For people who wish more professional help...there is a type of psychotherapy called developmental analytic psychotherapy. It is an integrative therapy. It includes the approaches of Freud, Jung and also the newest schools and discoveries of the psychotherapeutic science. It is available here in Slovenia but maybe it exists elswhere too...

[DIDego]

@ivankiss Thank you for sharing 

Wonderful. Glad on your behalf.    

Awesome list, impressing how you distilled, so much important into a readable short list.

These kind of summarizing are something i would like to have done a long time.

Will save yours and maybe use some of it and remodel some into what suits my situation or period in life.

This forum are amazing.   

[ivankiss]

Thanks everyone for your input. I appreciate it a lot. 

On 4/30/2021 at 9:28 PM, JonasVE12 said:

I know a girl who lost her dad many years ago, but she is still crying to this day about her loss. Is this natural or hasn't she processed her emotions fully yet? 

Interestingly enough; I know a girl like that, too.

What's important to understand, is that everyone processes their pain in their own unique way. And of course there are going to be all kinds of avoidance methods involved. It's only natural. Facing the pain of loss is not easy. 

I'd say there is nothing wrong with her crying here and there when thinking of her father. What's more important, is how that pain/grief affects her everyday behaviour. Her views on life. Her values. Etc. More often than not; if that kind of pain remains unprocessed; it's going to be seen and felt in all areas of life. And there's not much you can do. She must find the strength within herself to face her thoughts and feelings. Trust me; I tried everything. I wanted to be her saviour. I wanted to end her suffering and show her unconditional love and support - even at the cost of my own well-being. Needless to say; she was unable to meet me halfway and receive what I was offering. It's really sad. But truth is; she's alone in this. Only she can heal herself. 

Wish you both the best.

On 4/30/2021 at 11:24 PM, Megan Alecia said:

Ayahuasca probably

Or just some really emotional psychedelic. I've heard LSD is good for it.

Yup. Definitely. But not always and not in all cases.

For example; rn psychedelics would do me more harm than good. They did so in the past, too. All because I wasn't listening to my inner truth. I kinda forced it. And ofc; it was hell. It only contributed to my trauma.

So yeah... Know when and if, at all.

18 hours ago, Bojan V said:

It is available here in Slovenia but maybe it exists elswhere too...

Slovenia? We should grab a coffee sometimes ? And thanks for the info!

6 hours ago, DIDego said:

This forum are amazing.   

Ineed it is. Helped me so much in so many different areas. It sped up my overall progress - big time.

All hail actualized.org ?

[ivankiss]

Some more comes to mind;

Journaling 

Obviously good for ya. It's a nice way to express and study yourself. While I do look forward to it; rn I don't write consistently in my journal. But I do post on this forum quite often. So that's how I'm tracking my progress.

Short term/long term goals

Write these down. It allows you to have a both small and big picture perspective on your life. For example; some short term goals for me are fixing my diet, getting in shape and being more creative, etc. And long term; success in business, collaborations, shows, travelling, etc. 

Prayer

This is a big one. When all the walls are closing in on you and you're brought down to your knees; put your hands together and pray to the Heavens. No need to be formal. Use your own words. Speak from your heart. But speak out loud. And don't let those nondual realizations hold you back in this - if you had any. It may seem like there is a contradiction; but there really is none.

God is always listening.

Edited May 2, 2021 by ivankiss

[RickyFitts]

Thank you for sharing so articulately what helped you come to terms with your trauma, I've been there too so I know how hopeless things can seem when you're in great turmoil, but I can attest to the effectiveness of a lot of the suggestions you've made in this thread (stretching the body is a great one, boy did that help me when I was suffering with severe anxiety).

You're one of the good guys, Ivan, I wish you only the best going forward, my friend 

[ted73104]

Awesome post! I can totally relate with you!

Man, thanks some much for summarizing this stuff for us. The last point is so important, you really need to cry and forgive. I really feel the pain of folks who have had traumatic pasts out there.