Drunk to be authentic.

[Manusia]

Yep that's caption its really tell the stories. For me autenticity become big bummer in my life. I can't really say what I say, do what I really want to do. I grew in Asian family stage pretty dang blue... until last 3 years, now the SD become more orange look. Inauthenticity rob my masculinity, joy, awareness, love, communication skill, trauma, lot of monkey mind, lying to the self, Self trust issue and many more. That's really shit. Even my happiness, I oftenly convienced that I'm happy in particular moment. I have lucky to go to the collage and separated from my family, I heal a lot without my family. Meet lot of people with different stage of ego development and background. And I find my girlfriend (that now became my ex), she is very loving and intellegence. She have a lot of issue from abusive family too, she heal me in many ways that I didnt aware that time. Yeah lots of stories that I didnt tell here but..

Now I'm drunk from my wine. Its feel's really airy. I dont know but my ordinary life feels lifeless compare to this state of drunk. I feel more loving, I let go of all my worry, all my mental scars and lot of attachment. I just let go of it and enjoy of what in front of me, enjoying moment. Every moment I can enjoy. Yeah I know I have some unconsciouss manner but in other hand I feel this state of drunk is better than my ordinary life. Life with lot of brainwashing through social media. That's even worse than drunk with wine. That's even more unloving. 

I dont know but even when I drunk I still be able to become conscious to what the drunk people should avoid to do lol. Yeah this wine and beer is amazing. I'm drunk. But more loving 

[Manusia]

Drunk insight : Seeking validation from social media is a fucking spritual sucking mechanism. I will not come back really alive after it.

[Manusia]

I found love in this state. Not some sort high intellegence love but just love that I not recieve in long time. I move like crazy but my heart full of love.

[Manusia]

What is this love that I really searching for? I wonder so many times. What is exactly the love that will fill the gap in our soul?

[Manusia]

Yeah I realized I really suppressed lot of things here. Drunk really help me a lot to do shadow work so to speak. Yeah so the other side of me appeared in my consciousness, my drunk self really doesnt drunk at all. My drunk self remind me a lot of things, say some bold stuff to other people and really doesnt care about what other people think. My drunk self remind me that I need to say what I need to say, do what I need to do. And even thinking in other side of perspective in this drunk state did'nt exist. You just full of your self, and at the same time you don't try to deny it. You just become you, be yourself at the moment. This drunk experienc is just amazing, im connected to my other self and talk to them. Its just crazy. I dont know but other people seems to want to talk to me. I dunno but I seems to be magnetic. I dont care about other feelings, even other feelings doesnt exist in my dictionary. Yeah I know its dangerous to drive motorcycle when drunk, but I just do it without any doubt. I know the risk and take it wilth boldy move. Im still drunk and I wanna eat all meals that I buy. Yeah.

[Manusia]

Idk but drunk can be veichle of self develipment even spiritual understanding in my pov.

[Manusia]

Yeah I wake up in the floor with my stomach hurt because I'm drinking too much. But that is nice experience to have, Remembering you can be bold, be full of yourself. In some sense my psychedelic experience rising up, I devalue 'other perspective' so much until almost there is no other perspective than yours. In sobering up I realize I create other people perspective in my head, I totally aware I valuing that up, making it more-more of perspective and they became eye to me. I feel I need to please all of that. Ex people pleaser tendencies still kick in sometimes.

[Manusia]

Yeah alcohol and authenticity is relatable but did I really can grasp the lesson after sober?

[Manusia]

Btw when I buy the alcohol I buy it in some sort of place that is hidden from main the street. Yeah ofc because my country is very islamic religious. Alcohol is red flag for the communities. 

People in the shop literally have some love and understanding of pain in some way. I just feel the vibe, the tonality of their voice. They like stage orange/green and some reddish paint too. They have lot of tatto in the body and face. But I did'nt afraid of that kind of 'bad people', I just feel their prescence is somehow warm. If I have really bad day I think they will understand me more than my own family. I honestly more afraid with moralistic and dogmaticly blue people. And like want to punch their identitiy at the same time, I have lot of resentment to that kind of people.