Peak

[Megan Alecia]

Heroism, and Love in General, Are Always Unconditional:

The id is messy, and so is this journal

And so is society.

95% of social systems at least.

I quite like the recent 4 journals that I've started here. The ego dynamics on this place is quite funny and chaotic, but I don't mind. It's a way to freely (for the most part) share ideas.

A journey requires a goal, and one of mine is to just... be. That's stage yellow ideal too. I am aware of my lackings and faults and limitations because I'm human.

I believe whatever lacks a human aspect is bound to be chaotic, because love is the force that binds all that lives on this earth. And love is always relational, and honestly, unconditional.

Edited May 7, 2021 by Megan Alecia
In 1965-1966 almost a million people were killed in Indonesia for belonging to the local Communist community. That is the antithesis of love in my view, and I feel like one can intuitively learn something from this event about the nature of love.

[Megan Alecia]

Time:

Life is depressing when you're not in control.

And very few things are under our control. Our emotions luckily are. So are our focus, our understanding, and reason (Martin Butler).

The horrible and at the same time wonderful thing about life is that everything ends. Life goes on and on until we're gone. Empires collapse and new regimes begin and the world itself is ever-changing. At the same time, change signifies chaos.

And the chaos is what depresses us. What brings about depression epidemics and pandemics and terrorism to this world. The chaos is the fact that life could always get worse anytime.

And that's where the human struggle lies-- either in the form of love for oneself, or for another/others, for knowledge, for power, for religion, fame, etc.

Edited May 7, 2021 by Megan Alecia

[Megan Alecia]

Social moods:

Life is infinite because of change and chaos. That's metaphysics in a nutshell, I think.

In metaphysical informative videos they usually show pictures of either politics or pop culture and to find what's that all about I researched some of the latest pop culture trends and so on. And what I realized is that pop culture is literally existential-- what is popular usually signifies the inner struggles and conflicts/aspirations of the people who get to decide that (aka popular consumption= the masses.)

Billie Eilish... as a reaction to the basic icons in pop culture, like Ariana Grande and Selena Gomez and even Kendall Jenner (which most young girls worship.) Kurt Cobain is a classic example; a revolution of the "alternative crowd" in reaction to cock rock and overblown rock figures like Guns n Roses. Eminem as a figure against Bill Clinton and saccharine pop music (which Spice Girls he wanna impregnate?) and conservative parents. Pop culture, in instances that truly make history, are usually about revolutions of the underdog type of thing.

And of course... politics. Largely practical yet signifies power all the same. The power of the masses, the power of the vote, the power of the elites. Politics is how human beings do survival, because nowadays war tends to be a bit more... covert.

Edited May 7, 2021 by Megan Alecia
That pic spells "WHITE+TRASH" literally.

[Megan Alecia]

Our rationality itself could be trained into a powerful muscle: 

People are not rational. We can be unique, talented, knowledgeable and well-educated/well-mannered, but in terms of rationality you can't expect it on say a passerby.

We have a bias for tradition... for what's familiar. Need to read more on this.

Our violence and aggression are by all means primitive, totally geared to defend oneself from pain (think a dog baring it's teeth), or worse, to punish.

So what's the solution to all this? Like with all things, knowledge. Read read read. One can't do it enough. (This advice goes out to myself above anything else.)

Edited May 7, 2021 by Megan Alecia

[Megan Alecia]

The Message:

One can't fake talent but one can fake erudition. That's the problem with online discourse regarding knowledge.

All is located in the mind: wisdom and pretense, light and darkness. Hence there's a sort of understanding to be mustered when talking about social dynamics and human behavior in general... there always is. What's the function of psychology again: to understand people. What about therapy: to understand a patients condition.

We are collectively.... depressed might I say. Our society is in dire need of some kind of therapy. But what diagnosis will come out of this? Thats the terrifying aspect of this whole thing.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Megan Alecia
Gotta start with oneself, is the true message of this.

[Megan Alecia]

La Cucaracha:

Oh man this show, I miss you already.

It's all good, man! 

Season five was the best, watched the thing in 3 or 2 days. And after that was my first time to ever wait for the premiere of another season of a show.

Tried watching Mad Men again but it's like... a bit too slow. I loved how BCS portrayed Jimmy and Kim/Mike's challenges, but with Mad Men it's more about the 60s and culture and social roles. I know in the later seasons it would be more character-centric, but for now it's just so damn slow. Idk.

Edited May 7, 2021 by Megan Alecia
Now in search of the miraculous: a great tv show :D

[Megan Alecia]

Nobody's responsibility/ies, but mine:

Not to be too black and white with my observations.

Tired of my life sometimes. I need to find the source of utmost meaning I feel... see when watching a good show you kind of get the feeling that... I shouldn't be doing anything else. That's the kind of life I want to live: that I shouldn't be doing anything else.

I can be rabidly negative about people, and I wonder if... this is just a shadow aspect of mine.

Well, what's the use of worrying about people anyway, if you don't really understand them? Do you understand yourself at all?

Shadow work can be shameful actually. I feel ashamed whenever I feel this BPD shadow of mine. I'm not fully borderline I think, I mean... I don't think so. I have the shadow and it's quite like... something to not think about you know? 

 

Edited May 7, 2021 by Megan Alecia
I guess I'm not mentally ill in the sense that I'm not delusional. Thank God for meditation too.

[Megan Alecia]

Everybody needs somebody - for better or for worse:

I feel like I have a need for something else... beyond daily life.

Practical people call it "happiness", but... idk. Perhaps it is. If it is, then it would also be transient. I guess I'm looking for something more life-defining.

Some Joseph Campbell type notion of living life to the fullest. Like regretting nothing: going full steam at the direction of something profound and beautiful. Yeah, a bit like that.

I don't know what it is. Right now, I feel lost... and somewhat broken. I sometimes feel weak, but I know it's temporary. I'm not a weak person; I have things to lose, and feel pain strongly, but I don't back down from adversity.

Anyway, to the people who hate me and don't like what I write, you got one part about me wrong: this is my life, not yours.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Megan Alecia
Get lost.

[Megan Alecia]

Philosophy is beautiful and terrifying at the same time:

Edited May 7, 2021 by Megan Alecia
'Nuff said.

[Megan Alecia]

Get a grip:

Narcissism is both a life-long and all-pervasive condition. It's the epitome of the song lyric "Better run, better run, faster than my gun."

--

I don't know what I want. That seems to be the problem, hence I feel tired and bored. Boredom is Buddha nature - read this somewhere once. Probably the best way to put it.

Well, I've just finished watching another Mad Men episode... It was pretty good. In this show there's a lot of qualities unsaid - much more like a novel than say, Better Call Saul. Better Call Saul makes use of the different locations and character/actor dynamics and storylines effectively in a more cinematic way (think a Scorsese movie I suppose... idk.)

Self-love = self-esteem and boundaries. That's like, 90% of world problems today. A lack of self-love.

What's left - basically the Dunning-Kruger effect. What people call ego.... you know when I read something like a book by Freud I realize that I don't know anything. In spite of some fairly clever insights that I get from time to time. Sure, our knowledge helps us to get through life's challenges, but in reality, we're still in Plato's cave most of the time. Real knowledge lies both on paper (yes, even so-called street smarts have an underlying system to it) and beyond.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Megan Alecia

[Megan Alecia]

A Tale of Two Civilizations: (not really)

Sometimes I write things that don't matter and I'm just like "man some of my thoughts are quite useless." Lol.

I don't know... I feel like I'm just lost still. Looking to read two books REALISTICALLY not hypothetically - "Civilization and Its Discontents" by Freud and "Civilization in Transition" by Jung. I'm not promising to finish any of these two (and I'm reading them for myself anyway) but yeah... right now I'm reading the Freud one. It's dense and lots of information like literally - it's no joke. It's a challenging read (for both my attention span and brain power) but like, its also subtly nourishing. Idk. Gen Z doesn't read so I'm doing this at least - but tbh reading is truly a challenging experience.

While reading I get some strange thoughts in my head - like about food and sensations and just... living. I feel more sensitive, idk why. Maybe because my mind is completely and even intimately engaged with the words and info on the book. 

This is not a book challenge - it's not some Battle Royale game. I read to learn, that's all there is to it. And learning is good.

--

Wonderful synchronicity damn. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by Megan Alecia
Sometimes I wonder if it's humanly possible to be as smart as these authors. Maybe that's why they write - so they don't go mad. Haha.

[Megan Alecia]

Existential-ized:

Maybe I have to stop waiting. Not to make a "should" statement (curiously loathed by my favorite thinkers on youtube) but like.... nothing's working right now. I literally canNOT wait for my dream Melbourne/Stockholm life.

What do I want? I want creative work. I want inspiration, and freedom. I want to learn and get my mind engaged. Discipline is necessary, I know, but what I need is satisfaction.

Right now... my dreams seem so far away from me. I'm a young girl so it's an understandable situation. Everything passes, sooner or later I'm 21 (clarification: right now I'm 17. And you know what I mean :D.)

But yeah. I feel the need to make a comprehensive list of my PURPOSE for doing anything at all. "You have to assemble your life action-by-action", said Marcus Aurelius. And WAY (don't wanna research the exact amount of time) later more recent philosophers felt the need to ask - "But why?" Whats the point of life at all. To be a woman and raise kids? To vote? To make the world cleaner and greener? What does all of life mean?

Edited May 8, 2021 by Megan Alecia
Time flies.

[Megan Alecia]

Peak:

I don't wanna philosophize anymore. Just feels wrong. I need to READ.

(Need why?) It's necessary for me I guess. Not to be pretentious but like... it's like being a fish out of water. Or something.

Most of my life feels... pointless. Because our predilections are unique to us, and thus enforced by our desires. Even hunger manifests as desire. But do take this with a grain of salt, I mean I need to research on the pleasure principle by Freud (and its validity in the psychology realm.)

What do I think of life? I feel like I need purpose. I have to be strong and competent to survive... it's a jungle out there, like Tai Lopez said. This need makes me feel ashamed, frankly. Maybe because I just haven't sorted out the "real me", or something.

I feel like I need to study every detail of existence. Hence a list. Okay.... probably the missing jigsaw to the whole puzzle.

Life:

• Gender

I'm 17 and a trans girl. People seem nicer to transwomen nowadays, in 2018 the bigotry was still palpable tbh.

Being feminine for me is fun. That's how I view it. Could be sublime, divine, and ecstatic. I also like femininity in other women, seeing it manifest. Moreso in real life.

I do enjoy wearing nice dresses and smelling/looking good. Haven't looked up nice products lately... I wanna do this soon.

• Sex

Recently because of stress my sex drive has been fluctuating between really open to sensations and just... eh. Like not engaged, not into it. I'm straight, but like, haven't been in a highly sexual mood lately. 

• Lifestyle

Melbourne/Stockholm. Apartment. Collect a bookshelf. Become a VERY educated person. Find a close friend circle. Find a relationship. Heal myself emotionally.

Not into smoking but who knows.

• Survival
• Emotions
• Perception of reality
• Personal qualities

--

Just realized, my mood changes real fast so... I'm not miserable as this post may imply.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Megan Alecia
This is the journal's "title track" you could say.

[Megan Alecia]

Melancholy/Only Fools Rush In:

You ever remember those nights when you came home from a long day and dinner's already ready on the table? It's such a weird thing, remembering how easy life used to be for me. It gets better is the popular thing to say, and that's probably true. Panta rhei.

I used to be with so many classmates. It's just odd. I wish I'm still as innocent as I used to be. Or not. Idk. But undeniably the feeling of childhood, of warmth and care, is tempting.

Nowadays I just get these two from... tv shows. I wish to find creative work that offers that kind of comfort... not comfort as in as a couch potato but something subtle and poignant. Like Christmas during childhood.

It's weird to talk about these things, so I'll stop.

--

Lorde was a world sensation back then. Reached our country too.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Megan Alecia
I was basically a teen of the 2010s. In 2040s or something this will mean something TOTALLY different, like carry a different weight altogether.

[Megan Alecia]

Death:

(Intersubjectivity in psychology^)

If reality is made of tetrahedrons, then life must truly have an intrinsic order to it. And tetrahedrons are like made of lines... which is meant to signify the grand interconnected system of all ideas and concepts, which collectively constitute meaning in this universe?

I don't know anything about the physics (for now), but if I'd just intuitively pick a figure that makes up reality... it would be the tetrahedron (out of these five). The constant triangle thing representing upward growth and fall, then flatness... the edges as death, the equality of all beings... which is singlehandedly rectified by death in this world.

Ring a bell?

Edited May 10, 2021 by Megan Alecia
During my first psychedelic trip last year I had this realization that all sound exists in our head, basically... probably even vision. Because when I drank from a glass of water my whole perception was that I was entirely inside the glass.

[Megan Alecia]

Free at Last:

Main value: freedom

Flaws: 

I don't know myself

I'm not courageous enough (for what?)

"Abnormal reaction to abnormal behavior is a normal reaction" (paraphrased) - Viktor Frankl

I still have anxiety

Desires:

A simple quiet life

(That's Melbourne. Kinda ironic but yeah, I'm an introvert, so)

Rewarding and intellectually stimulating work (knowledge, creativity, the human condition)

Purpose (to feel better? To feel solidity within me)

Femininity (soap, perfume, clothing, men)

(for some reason I like the contrast between a sort of masculine style and being feminine)

That's all for now

Edited May 10, 2021 by Megan Alecia

[Megan Alecia]

The Mechanics of Power:

"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle."

-- Sun-Tzu

"Understand: people will constantly attack you in life. One of their main weapons will be to instill in you doubts about yourself – your worth, your abilities, your potential. They will often disguise this as their objective opinion, but invariably it has a political purpose – they want to keep you down."

-- Robert Greene

Edited May 10, 2021 by Megan Alecia

[Megan Alecia]

The nature of life:

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

-- Haruki Murakami

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."

-- T.H. White

"A sovereign should never launch an army out of anger, a leader should never start a war out of wrath."

-- Sun-Tzu

"Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide."

-- Donald Winnicott

Edited May 10, 2021 by Megan Alecia