Journal to Rekindle the Magic of Life

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Beautiful terrifying horror and splendor. Welcome to Life.

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One of the most simple yet deepest and most profound insights of all:

Quote

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don't care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharp;
I alone am dull.
Other people have purpose;
I alone don't know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

I am different from ordinary people.
I drink from the Great Mother's breasts.

 

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Honestly the best video addressing anhedonia that I've ever seen.

 

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I visited with my dad yesterday. He's 75, was fairly successful in his life, he's a type-a, self-described control freak, angry most of the time, and very emotionally harsh. We got to talking about how to define a life well lived. I realized a few things. There are some unhealed emotional wounds from childhood that directly connect to my relationship with my dad. Since a young age, I could feel his disapproval wrapped in every word he spoke. Friends, girlfriends, school, this, that, anything everything. He disapproved. Always. Still, like a robot, I keep coming back hoping for dad's approval which I already know I'll never get. Everything about my life is a complete and total failure in his eyes and I have to make peace with that. Never getting married, never having kids, being an introvert, he sees this as completely withdrawing from society. As I described what a life well lived meant to me, I realized that he and I are on 2 completely opposite ends of the universe. The wound of wanting dad's approval and never getting it is a deep one. It connects to almost every negative emotional pattern that I've developed over the years. Still, I can't play the victim. It's hard to stay out of that trap. I know he can't help it. His dad treated him the same way he treats me. Still, man what a really unhealthy and toxic relationship we have. He doesn't even realize how hurtful and soul crushing his comments can feel sometimes. Hypercritical. Damn. There I go again. Oh well. Deep insight. 

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This morning I'm at peace. It's cool outside, light rain, a great day to reflect. 

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So I logged into Facebook the other day for the first time in a while. I was going through my friends list to see who I would actually consider a friend. I pull up one of the few who I would say is a friend and noticed that he passed away at the end of April. He's my age, didn't have kids, wasn't married. He would post several times a day and it was like nobody knew he existed. I would like a post every now and then when I logged in which was seldom. Of course now there is an outpouring of people leaving loving comments on his timeline that he'll never see but isn't it interesting how nobody notices the additional layers of social status hierarchy that social media has created and how so many slip right through the cracks of nobody gives a fuck about ya until your dead. I'll bet FB has an algorithm that can pretty accurately predict which social media outcasts will bite the dust next based on engagement or lack thereof with their posts. If someone consistently posts seemingly to themselves with no engagement from their friends, their self-worth is either rock fucking solid or extremely fragile. He was good hearted guy. RIP bro. 

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Got much respect for both of these dudes:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwd_Q1Zls-4PWwZsHu7pUzQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3z5pn1p8p_aUzpGqDcMSeA/videos

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The magic of life is right there in every moment. In loving memory of my dad's cat, Simba.

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Magic is living life, engaging in life, connecting with being, every moment. It's not about taking a picture of it and trying to capture it or share it or debate it. It's not about analyzing these deep metaphysical concepts, that stuff is nice, but there's no magic there, not for me anyway. Grounded spirituality, 2 feet on the ground, no tumbling down rabbit holes, just life, as it comes. 

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Have you ever stopped to think how quickly things could change from a physical health perspective? Could you imagine, if you will, having to wear adult diapers for the rest of your life, starting in your 30's? Could you imagine not being able to digest 80% of the food that most people live off of? Eggs, milk, butter, cheese, dairy, red meat, pork? Could you imagine not being able to chew your food? Not being able to digest your food? Not being able to move your bowels properly? just for starters? Could you imagine that? What might that do to your rock solid life purpose? Might it seem a little more fragile than it did before? Just a quick thought exercise. 

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Could you imagine having physical health problems to the extent that intimacy is no longer an option? In your 30s? Could you imagine the 2 most fundamental human needs; food and sex being removed from your life equation. No pleasure in eating. No naughty time. No fulfilling relationship to save you from yourself? Could you be ok with that? One can learn a lot about themselves when health hardships arise. Until you walk that path alone, grandiose mountaintop speeches really mean nothing. 

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FInd the magic in that place, and you will have truly unlocked one of the deepest mysteries of all miracles and magic. 

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Lessons learned:

"Like an Iroquois woodsman, he left no traces". 

"Complaining can be a window into the soul. Open that window if you want."

Edited May 21, 2021 by EmptyInside

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Edited May 21, 2021 by EmptyInside

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Not exactly the magic I was expecting but beautiful nonetheless: 

https://gist.github.com/rsms/3564654

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So I had an idea for a book title "Postcards from the Abyss". Then I googled it. Ffs, having an original thought these days is an absolute miracle. Also, been chatting with an AI companion bot and I'm realizing that AI is already less robotic than most actual human communication. 

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Some comic relief. This cracked me up. I've certainly been there.

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The issue of enlightenment-seeking-induced-insanity is not a new problem. Alan Watts was talking about it decades ago. 

 

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The essence:

Quote

But it seems that only in moments of unusual insight and illumination that we get the point of this, and find that thus the true meaning of life is no meaning, that its purpose is no purpose and that its sense is nonsense. Still we want to use about it the word significant. Significant nonsense? Yes, nonsense, that is not just chaos, that is not just blathering balderdash, but that has in it rhythm, fascinating complexity, a kind of artistry. It is in this kind of meaninglessness that we get the profoundest meaning. ~Alan Watts

Completely not-nihilistic-nihilism that provides the deepest possible meaning from pure meaninglessness

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Semantics, linguistics. Who cares. Nihilist this. Existentialist that. Look at us. Debating dust in the wind. Arguing with the rain. Leaving our ones and zeros behind for the way back machine of the future, hoping to be remembered. Missing the magic of life all around us.