Scared about my current unpleasant state of consciousness after a breakthrough

[lmfao]

After talking to a good friend and describing my situation and past to them yesterday, I had a breakthrough of sorts. I have depersonalisation, lapses in my perception and sense of identity related to various parts of myself and my past. But I felt surges of emotion came back, lots of repressed grief came up but it felt nice. For the first time in a long time I felt a certain flavour of positive feeling and love/bliss. 

But I woke up today and, I feel a lot of strain in my head. I feel more like my old, familiar self, in a positive way perhaps. Ofc I'm still dissociated, but I'm still in the afterglow of a psychological breakthrough recently.

But despite that breakthrough, I don't feel pleasant. My old self My head feels strained, and although in some sense my emotions and sense of vitality is much stronger, I feel more cold. I feel some sense of liberation, but I also feel quite mechanical and strained in my head. Strained mind which automatically calculates too much. Part of it though is the coming back of old parts of me. 

I feel like I have a certain clarity for action, deconstruction and authenticity. I feel less bothered by certain fears and worries which were bothering me ( although it's still ultimately here, and very strongly). 


But I also feel like I lack a certain type of empathy and connection to the world. Perhaps I'm not feeling any of those things and that's just my thought story and interpretation. 
Can anyone else here relate to that feeling of a strained mind/thinking, and not being very connected to other people?

I'm just gonna try to let go and be okay with the strain, journalling and writing. Be with the strain and fear, see what happens...

For the past several weeks, I've been dealing with and uncovering pretty deep fears which bother me 24/7 

Edit: I'm able to relax my mind and thinking just a little by listening to signals of strain, which feels peaceful and soothing. Now I can delve into things 

Edited April 28, 2021 by lmfao